Why I Blog, Risks for All Parties & What I Want

I have written a few more things, in the last day, about people and things that have happened in Wenatchee. I was writing about "butterflies and puppydogs" and there is no "compulsion" for me to write outside of this.

I explained why I blog to my housemate in Seattle this morning. It is not a compulsion that motivates me, it is concern.

First of all, some of the blogging is fictional and creative. But when I write about corruption or injustice, and about my son and what's happened, it is not to "harm" or punish other people. It is mainly to protect MYSELF.

For example, if I am being cited for something I did not do, for which I was set up, I feel having no one know about it, on the outside, puts me in further danger. I'm not able to clear my name, and articulate what abuses are happening. It may not be getting the message to people who are willing to help me, or able, but it still documents and keeps a record of injustice which I always hope someone in a position of power will eventually take notice of.

When I write about police harassing me in Wenatchee, for example, it doesn't help me with most of them, but some of them do know what's going on and that it's not right and I know a lot of people in other states believe me. If I say nothing, how good is it for me to have people assume I'm getting into all kinds of trouble I'm not responsible for?

So I document, and it works against me, but if I don't document, my silence also works against me.

Same thing with documenting bruises and marks on my son or his medical issues. If I document, the state tries to say I'm delusional or that I'm paranoid or overly concerned about something I shouldn't be concerned about. But it is happening, and I know my concerns are justified. If I do NOT document, there is absolutely no record of what I constantly see in my son, not even from me.

My housemate asked why I didn't bring the mark on my son's buttocks to the state's attention. Why? because the state had just observed bruises on my son's legs and shrugged it off and tried to make ME look like I was the one with issues. So, I knew they'd do the same thing about the mark on his bottom, and they would claim either it wasn't there at all, or that it was natural for some reason and I was paranoid.

Does it really help my son, if I am silent?

And yet, it has not helped my son for me to try to advocate for him.

Anything I do, no matter what it is, is twisted and used against me.

One minute I'm so "mentally ill" I cannot care for my son and yet all this time, I've never had a competency hearing to ascertain my ability to be forced to be "pro se" in these hearings. And in Washington state, it is a right, not a privilege, to have public representation.

And so, I still struggle with this. I struggle with the idea that my "silence" is actually helpful.

I had a lot of abuse and harassment until I filed public lawsuits in Oregon and only then, when some of the issues were made available to the public, did it change. They still went after me in other ways, but almost all of the car vandalisms and police harassent and false accusations quit. At least temporarily. I think it's because they knew someone could be taking notice and might, eventually, do something about it, or investigate.

Can I quit writing in a blog? yes. It is possible. Can I agree to taking the whole thing down? Yes. That is also possible.

But what I want, if you want to know what I want, is for the abuse of authority to end, and for the return of my son.

If my rights are terminated, I will never quit blogging and I will never cease to take up matters and investigate and report on abuses from tips I get from others. I might take it down temporarily, but the minute someone tries to keep my son from me, I really don't have anything to lose. There is nothing in the world which would prevent me from taking anyone and anything on, or from releasing a voluminous amount of materials and evidence I have which some people really do NOT want online.

I've kept things in reserve for a reason. But taking my son from me, and terminating my rights, truly leaves me with nothing to lose and in that case, I would put everything I have on anyone, up, to confirm my claims are true.

I haven't done that. And I am willing to take everything down and agree to not write about others anymore. But my son and my right to live in peace is key, and if no one is able to work with me, in good faith, I don't know what anyone expects.

If the state works with me, I will work with them and with the others they know. I have been trying to work with them all along. I didn't write about Michelle Erickson for many months, and not until I continued to be lied about and lied to about travel arrangemnets, and mocked over physical limitations I had which no one wanted to acknowledge.

If I had money, this would have been over months ago. I have tons of hard evidence to support myself and my rights. It would be exceedingly difficult for anyone to claim I'm "paranoid schitzophrenic" when I can prove the claims I am "delusional" are false and I have medical records, hard and fast, for proving this.

I don't think it's a good idea to let those medical records get out to the public, frankly, or be scanned in. There are other record besides, that I wouldn't want out.

If I have people backing off of me, and willing to work with me to return my son, I have zero problem deleting the whole blog, with all information about anyone and everyone.

It still takes a little time to be flushed out of the archives online. Even if I erase everything, it will take some time until all information disappears. For example, I deleted something about Michelle, but if you type in her name, it will still come up even if it's no longer found on my blog. I think it might take a month until it's gone from the internet. But things do disappear.

I don't think trying to set me up as being a "criminal" when I've done nothing, or trying to still make me out to be "mentally ill" is going to work to restore reputations and credibility of others.

People talk to me in person and meet me all the time, and they know. I have a large group which may be afraid of what's happened to me, but they support me and believe me. If I say someone is doing something and I'm naming them, I have a lot of people who know it's true. Just because no one is helping me doesn't mean I'm not believed. It only means some people back out of helping because they are afraid of what might happen to them and their families if they do help.

I don't think it works, in the long run, to operate through intimidation. It gets people by or "through" short term, but it makes martyrs out of others and brings publicity to issues that I would think some people would just want to keep quiet. Any short reign of terror, small scale or not, backfires in the end.

I am not someone who will just go underground and disappear or who cannot articulate what's happened.

I keep bringing up Richard Tomlinson, but what he went through and how he eventually had to deal with it and cleared his name, is what some of us are capable of doing. I am not mentally ill, unfortunately for some, and I am therefore able to articulate and write about these experiences and document. I am not someone who has self-destroyed, nor is that going to happen if my son is NOT returned to me.

I'm basically here to stay, and while the worst imaginable things could be attempted, it's not going to "get rid of" me. Saving a group or two from a lawsuit is one thing, but does anyone realize there is more to life than paying out on a lawsuit or settling? There are reputations to consider. This is not just about my repuation, this is about the reputations of some who are very high earners.

You can bend over backwards to make me out to be criminal or drug seeking or mentally ill, but in the long run, the book comes out and the documents come out, and the evidence turns up and witnesses come forward, and I never DO end up jumping off of that proverbial bridge. Which basically means, more time and energy exhausted in keeping up with me in years to come, and fighting me down the road besides.

My son will survive in the middle of this as well. He is strong and he'll come back on his own, to fight back and will want to be with his mother. I know what I want, but should I not get what I want, no one else gets what they ultimately wanted either, and I go down looking like someone who was trashed intentionally by bullies.

I could even get a bad or "off" psych eval at this point and it wouldn't matter. Enough people have been exposed to me, to know what's going on. And a LOT of psychologists know as well and if they feel intimidated by the pressures, the one thing they at least agree on, collegially, is that they concur I am not mentally ill as the state has claimed.

If I were, they would do my psych eval in a snap. No one cares what a mentally ill woman writes about them, if she is really mentally ill.

These psychologists know and TELL me they know I'm not. They are not afraid of me really. They are afraid of what the consequence could be to their careers, should THEY also chose to put their name to a report that bucks a larger system and what so many want to claim. Some of them are afraid that if they do side with the state, out of tradition to give the state what they want, that I am articulate and logical enough to lay out exactly why they are wrong. I still believe there are a few people out there, still, who are strong enough on their own merit, to not worry about being blacklisted. It would probably be someone who is either already established, or someone who doesn't care to live in Washington state their entire lives. One thing these psychologists know, is that to diagnose me with something, just to go along with what the state wants, might put their own reputations in jeopardy with other psychologists who have known me and talked to me, and not just psychologists either. If they are not dependent upon state pay to sustain themselves, or are outside of the local loop, they are going to be more likely to just do the right thing. Other mental health professionals have done this.

I do what I can do, and if that's not good enough, I'm not going to fall apart. If someone wants 10 more years of fighting me, that's what they'll get should my son be taken from me. And history doesn't always remember groups the way they want to be remembered. Like I said, short term gains and victories don't always pay off in the long run.

I think I have choices to make but I think there are others who have some choices to make too. I would think very carefully about the strategy and the desired results and outcome. Wild cards don't always play out the way you want.