It's Over

I still want to upload the Colombia party photos. There was more than one party, but I've photos for one of them.

This whole thing with Exxon, on the line, is not going to work. I thought I would keep him on the line to figure out what was going on with the past and some shitty things he pulled, but then he did some good things too. So I wanted to know what was up. Then he came out here and I thought maybe it was for me, but it could have as easily been to redeem himself so he doesn't...I don't know.

The issue is trust. He did things which violated my trust. You try to say it's a new day and that perhaps someone has changed, even switched sides so-to-speak...and he's trying to quit some old habits.

But for someone like me, who already has had trust betrayed and has trust issues to start with, being with a full blown womanizer and con artist isn't exactly conducive.
If I could believe in, and fully trust Exxon, after some things have happened, it would be a miracle.

But no, even if I do care about him and love him in a sense, how does one live their life checking their partners email and phone contacts all the time, wondering if he's really going for a "run" and not just next door to the house of the mistress?

All of the songs his formers gave him had to do with unfaithfulness. I don't know that it's up to me, or within my "powers" to keep him faithful. There are other things besides that.

On one hand, I feel more protection with him, which I blame on society. Society dictates women are more trustworthy with a partner. My family and others accept me and my position as a mother MORE, far more, if I have someone with me. And having or being with a "partner" makes one seem more credible, as though a relationship is working and therefore one is supported with this "witness" that you are relationship material. I don't think it's good for me to be alone right now, with what has happened when I've been alone, with no one to testify on my behalf or stand up for me.

Exxon, though, doesn't add up. He doesn't want to add up either. He doesn't care about reassuring me as to why he has money for a car one day but the next day, that same money which wasn't spent on the car, isn't even being used for an apartment.

I told him, I can handle "poor". It's one thing to just be plain poor. It's another thing when the mathematics just don't add up. Back and forth and back and forth, and he has money one day, for one thing, but not the next? It doesn't add up. 2 plus 2 equals 4 but with him, it might equal 1 or 0. There is a very odd inconsistency with his explanations as to how he has "no money" and needs to work but he isn't looking very hard, and instead wants to socialize and watch movies and gets angry if I miss "training" for dealing for poker. Then he goes off about how he "supported" me for months in D.C., but first of all, I was physically sick, secondly, he was talking to me about marriage and the green card, which made me more of a playing chip than a girlfriend, and then finally, he wasn't even faithful to me and couldn't admit it, when I was loyal to him the whole time.

And I DO believe he is somehow working with the U.S. I don't know what capacity, but if it's not that, I've been set up to fall more than once since I've been with him and if he's not the one involved, someone he knows or my proximity to him has alarmed others so that they want me to think there is something wrong.

He's a good actor but he's an inconsistent one. I actually was enjoying his company and then he raises all of my concerns again, some which I have in the back of my mind and shouldn't forget in the first place.

He says he's faithful to me now but how do I know? I'm the one who is working or away most of the day and he knows, like I do, that I have no way of checking on this. He wasn't faithful in the past and I already know he lies about this when it's convenient for him. Not only that, he was bringing up the old "timeframe" thing too, about how long until I would marry him. Which, if you really love someone, doesn't matter. A piece of paper doesn't matter. I asked him why he liked me not too long ago and he said three reasons: 1. I was 'different' from anyone else he'd ever been with, 2. I don't remember the second reason, and 3. He had this "goal" to "win" this game. He called it a game and that's what it seems to have been. I can understand being a challenge or the whole conquest thing, to some degree, but I'm not a game nor am I the pawn in any game.

I haven't even told most people, certaintly not here, about some of the things that happened in D.C.

In some ways, I thought, it might be possible that he actually "falls" for me. But more than anything, I get the feeling he didn't want his name to stand "as is" for what was going down in D.C., and the whole "hump and dump" deal. So he either cared a little, or felt guilty, or was still going for that green card. But it's all about the timeframe and ME working now. He has been looking for work, but not like he wants me to look for work. And he always brings up going to Maryland. If I said yes, go to Maryland, he would. And then he asks me if it's "okay" for him to have another girlfriend and if I'd care--that was when we first came into town.

I signed a marriage application in D.C. but I had such a bad, sinking feeling, that I went straight back and cancelled it, within 10 minutes. I hoped it wouldn't even show up in the computer system but it did. It's just the app., not the actual marriage, but something was very "off" and I had a bad feeling about it. I then wanted to see how he treated me if he thought he had the app. signed. I've been watching him and testing him because I actually DO love him a little bit.

But I've wanted to know why he's messed with me to begin with and what this has been about. What the objective has been and if something genuinely changed, what was it? Is he sincere or not? What does he want out of this or out of me? He wants me to have my son back, he says, but with my name fully cleared and my reputation restored, or just my son back, but with the whole stipulation that I be diagnosed as mentally ill or drug seeking first, to preserve the reputations of OTHERS who have been involved in my demise? He could easily work against me or backfire by suddenly testifying that he was with me but then felt "sorry" for me and that he believes I'm mentally ill and need "help" and he's just hanging around because he "cares" and he's a "good guy". I mean, I could have absolute invalidation as he restores the credibility of others I've complained about. On one hand, he has stated he doesn't think I need medication, but I have no idea, really, what he'd say when it comes down to it because he's not under oath.

If I didn't care about him or didn't love him to some degree, at all, I wouldn't still be with him, not after breaking away from Maryland. I told him I needed more time to observe and see where the relationship went. So he brings up a timeline. I'm not marrying someone just so they can get their green card, screw me over, and then put my son in a bad situation.

He has a daughter, and I HAVE thought about her, and thought it is possible, if he were legit, to imagine something with him, but I haven't seen enough consistency yet to say one way or the other if I could live with him and his daughter and my son in Colombia, or, in the U.S. He says he wants to give his daughter the opportunity to live in the U.S. and go to a U.S. college. I care about his daughter and talked to her briefly over the phone.

In the last few days, he has lightened up a bit and we've had fun. We've had some laughs. At the same time, I have all of the other concerns. He gets mad that I question him or doubt him as if it's my fault I don't know what to believe. What does he expect? I would be an idiot, impulsive, and lacking good judgement not to question. Very seriously. I question not to condemn, but to ascertain the full truth and determine what, exactly, is in MY best interests, and what is also in the best interests of my SON. I am not going to put my son in a precarious position or my own reputation either. I also care about HIS life and his daughter. Since he's been here, I've taken him to have all his medical things checked out.

I asked him the other day how he had a pulse rate of only 65 beats per minute. He has higher bp but is obviously more physically fit than his activities in Maryland, at least those known to me, would indicate. My pulse rate was 90 or something and it was only 60 or 65 when I was a competetive runner. It makes me wonder where or if he's training somewhere. He's been in the states, he says, for 8 months and then was just doing a little soccer here and there. Not even regularly. His physical frame is fit too, though thinner now. I asked him how he had a heartrate of 65 and he looked surprised that I picked up on this.

I don't know everything. He has his secrets but he expects and wants me to be an open book. I pretty much have been. I've kept a few things from him and tested him and watch him, to see what's going to happen next.

He told me, when he first met me, to start writing. He said I could write about him and that my story was beginning. Well, I had a story before I ever met him, and I think he sometimes regrets telling me to write about everything.

Adventure and excitement is great. But I look for stability and consistency too. In some ways he's been consistent, but as to motive and things he says to me, like, why he's with me and finances, don't always add up. I have said "it's over" before and so has he, and then we change our minds. What motivates him to go back? the green card? or what? what motivates me? I don't know. I am attached to him in many ways and it will hurt to say goodbye forever, but if it's not going to go anywhere and he isn't sincere, that's what is going to happen. It's somewhat nuts that I am still interested, after some things happened, but I believe in new starts and second chances and that people can sometimes change.

He talks to me about "change" but there are some things I don't want to change about myself or don't believe I need to change. Other forms of change happen naturally. Some of the issues I have are not my own issues, but, I believe, a conflict of my will and societal dictates. People were telling gays to "change" for a long time, to fit in better with what others wanted. For one example. Women were told to submit and change to meet the needs of their husbands, and that they didn't need an individual vote if they were truly "one" and joined and their husband was the "head". There are a lot of different forms of "change" that I don't advocate or agree with.

I've had conflicts most recently, when people in Wenatchee claimed I had no physical injuries and that my son was unharmed. The fact that I was distressed by refusal of treatment for me and my son when we were ill or needed help, isn't a breakdown. It's a normal response to being harassed and treated poorly, of suffering and seeing my son suffer, and being helpless against bullies. Not only did my son and I have damages from childbirth for which we could even obtain diagnostics, and I was only given painkillers, I was having seizures and no one did diagnostics for this either, even though I asked repeatedly. Instead, I was falsely accused of having a breakdown and being delusional for thinking I or my son had any issues at all.

Exxon claims sometimes that he's just discovered my blog. He's known about it from the start. I found it on his phone. And sometimes, he would do things or say things after I wrote about something and he'd obviously read what I'd written and either someone else translated for him or he reads well enough. He even told me this later, himself.

There are some people who feel sorry for my situation, regarding my son, but they don't want me to be "cleared" necessarily. They may want me to have my son back, but only on conditions that I am diagnosed in a way which would "clear" others of misconduct and illegal activities I accused them of.

I have a lot of things to consider, and in some ways, Exxon has given me strength which has ultimately come from myself, because of AND in spite of him and things he's done. What he really wants from life is up to him.

My Last Visit With Oliver

Here is a photo from the visit before last. I am going to write about that visit but first I'd like to write about the very last visit, from this last Wednesday. This is a terrible photo of me but it's cute of him.


In the last visit, I felt very distressed by the end. My son really wants and needs to be with me and needs more time with me. He has lost weight since I've been back and I hear he calls for me all the time. When he was approaching me for this visit he kept saying "mama!" and "mommy!!!" over and over, excitedly, before he could even see me. Michelle Erickson said, in response to this, "Can you say HOLLY?" and my son dutifully said "Holly" and then went back to saying "Mommy!" "Mama! Mama!" He knew he was going to see me.

Michelle had gone on this ridiculous tirade, in front of others, first. I, for one, was glad others got to hear her as she smirked and thought her digs were satisfying. She made this huge thing about "If we have to remind you once more to turn down the radio, your visit will be terminated." I said, "Michelle, in all the visits I've had, one person has asked that the music be turned down, once, and you make it sound as thought this "reminder" is necessary because it happens all the time." She just smirked and went on, "Songs like 'Pokerface' are INAPPROPRIATE for a child his age."

Huh? I don't even know what all the words to Pokerface are, and it just happened to be a song that came on when we had the radio on. I didn't bring it in on a CD or specifically and even if I had, I said to Michelle, "So you think my son who is not yet THREE, is capable of understanding the words to a song that I don't even fully understand and yet you claim he cannot recognize the voice of his own mother over the telephone." Michelle claimed my son was "confused" hearing my voice over the phone but he somehow understands words to a pop song and is damaged by them??? I added, when Michelle attempted to bully with her position again, "Take a child development class Michelle, you are in the WRONG job."

My fiance finally agrees with me that this woman, Michelle, is a, as he says, "Bitch". He overheard her on the phone telling me not to speak or respond to my son's Spanish with Spanish. I told Michelle my son was bilingual as I am, and if he is speaking to me in Spanish, I am going to respond to him in Spanish and that the state has an obligation to accomodate for HIS needs and "best interests". He is not yet three and cannot be "instructed" to speak to his mother in only English when I've used both Spanish and English with him since he was a baby and he was raised around latinos as well. I told Michelle if the monitor has a problem understanding our communications, the state should get a bilingual monitor in there instead. When Exxon heard this, he called her a bitch.

In the last visit, I noticed my son was so thin. He hasn't been eating much since I've come back and he did eat some cheese and turkey but he asked for the yogurt and was hungry but then refused to eat. He asked me to open it and kept pressing for it and I finally asked if he would eat if I held the spoon. He nodded. He didn't want to eat his yogurt unless his mama was feeding him with the spoon, like old times. So I scooped up the yogurt and he opened his mouth for every bite and seemed satisfied and calmed to have this contact with me. He needs to be with his mother. This made me so sad and I thought, I don't know...it is very wrong what the state has done. Very wrong and yet they are still insistent on being "right" even at my son's detriment.

My son hugged and kissed me voluntarily again and wanted me to read to him and hide with him in a tent, in our "house". I asked him if he wanted to see more of me and he said "SI!!!" and then I asked him, "Oliver, do you want to live with Mama again?" and he said, "Si!!!" in a very determined way and nodded.

Karine Bolduc (Whittemore?)

Why this woman would get satisfaction out of harassing me I have no idea. I never did anything to her personally. I didn't even know her. I just knew she became close to my best friend after my family moved to another state. To do what she did, intentionally, one must have a mean streak of sadism. I don't know why she would even spend time on me for some kind of thrill and to play to the desires of others to just mess with me and try to cause me distress. I had my son with me at that wedding shower. I never treated her badly.

music tonight

Taking a break and getting ready to upload some things.

About a week ago I heard a very cool series of songs about the moon. Won't forget it. It was really beautiful and memorable. I think I was on Ella Fitzgerald radio or something and it had a nice mix of older songs.

Tonight I heard that English lingo-accented "Beautiful all the time" song on the radio while driving and right now I'm listening to New Wave music with New Order as my starter and then "the killing moon".

I like Electric "Twisted Tenderness". first time I've heard this one and I scrolled to see who the group was and where they were from. UK of course.

I sort of feel like someone is with me tonight. Pet Shop Boys "Always on my Mind" following "The Killing Moon". I dunno. Just makes me think.

I had some good guesses today, and some misses. I asked this bartender, out of the blue, "You are a big snowboarder aren't you?" and he looked at me and with a raised eyebrow said it was his life. He didn't have logos for the sport anywhere on his clothing but I just guessed it. Then I tried to guess with his manager. I missed on the first two and then hit something. Well, the first one was sort of half and half. Then the one I got was when I asked if he had family in real estate and he said yes, his mother was a realtor.

Karine Bolduc and Whittemore

I got this bitch. This is another part of the True Life stuff I was writing about, which is all true and is the only part of my blog that I've verified is true in fact and isn't fiction at all.

The woman who purposefully dressed the way Christa Schneider thought I was going to dress, at Stephanie Maier's wedding shower, was a Karine, who was French Canadian and her family from Canada, but I couldn't remember her last name. I got it today.

I went to Moses Lake, Washington and snapped her photos from the yearbooks and got her name. It's her. Karine Bolduc. Pronounced: bull-DUCK.

Guess what her father did? He worked for a chemical company in Moses Lake that originated from Canada or had ties there. Br. Angar Santogrossi's father worked for a chemical company as well and both Ansgar Santogrossi and the Abbey attorney, Dick Whittemore, had connections to Canada.

Not only that, the river that was next to the property my son and I lived on, at the time we started having problems with health, gets the water from the river, through a pipe/machine thing that my fiance Alvaro took a bunch of photos of. I don't know why he took so many photos of it, because he later erased all of them and just kept the ones without the contraption.

The Bolduc's moved to Moses Lake, Washington and Karine became friends with Stephanie, when I and my family moved to Oregon, in 1990. The Bolduc's stayed in the area until 1993, according to a receptionist for the chemical company Bolduc worked for.

Then, Bolduc moved to work for a chemical company in Chicago, Illinois. The name of the chemical company he worked for in Moses Lake, which still exists, is EKO Chemical.

Karine had an older brother, Pascal. Pascal stayed in Moses Lake and worked for Freihe Farms. The receptionist remembered him, because, she said, Pascal had purchased several large "tanks" a few years ago, from EKO, so, she said, they did business.

The women giving me this information were coworkers for Bolduc and Moses Lake librarians who recalled family history and the Bolducs.

I got my leads from librarians.

God bless our librarians.

I have found potential links that tie some people together and show connections to my problems with the Mt. Angel Abbey, lawyers for the Abbey, Christa Schneider and Karine Bolduc, who later became a Whittemore, and joined to the Whittemore family.

Another interesting thing I found out, which probably has no bearing on anything, but when the photo of Hagia Sophia appeared on my laptop, when I was still in D.C., I wondered if this was the old Byzantine church where there is ancient art done by Catholic monks that shows the oldest belief of the church was that Jesus crushed the head of the "serpent" and was therefore the first in line to be without "original sin" instead of the later dogma that Mary was the one to do this. I don't know if it's the same church, but I found out, from reading an article in this month's "New Yorker", that the church is connected with the name Thomas Whittemore, who is known for the restoration of the artwork done there, at that church in Istanbul, Turkey.

I got photos of Karine and they're going online, along with some other things.

When Karine's father left Moses Lake for Chicago, he then worked for a parent company of EKO Chemicals, called AXO Nobel, to the best recollection of the receptionist at EKO.

As far as I know, he has ties to New York FBI as does Karine's husband. So there is an FBI link as well.

I should add, I am not implying my fiance has anything to do with anything, obviously, I just wish he still had the photos on his cam so I could upload them.

Secondly, I'm not making assumptions as to what exactly was the cause of my and my son's health issues (other than our childbirth damages). I do have evidence that I made records of symptoms of seizure as early as 1996, and found this postcard in a stack of old photos. Exxon and I saw this at the same time and I exclaimed to him this was proof I wasn't suddenly making up "symptoms" to "fit" what happened later, at the East Wenatchee location. As to the trigger for the seizures, I wouldn't know what that was. I do know we had serious hacking and electrical issues at the house at this time and I quit having my period, and to this day, my period has not returned to normal. I have to use less than 2 pads per "period" whereas before I used almost a whole box of either kind of products. My menstrual cycles have been permanently altered, from that point in time to this day.

I drank water from the sink but didn't usually use it for my son. At first I used only bottled water for both of us and then I switched to using it for my son but not me. A few times I used it for mixing formula, but in general I gave him good raw milk. I may have used it in soup, or to cook with, or for juice formulations. I probably drank the well water myself, now and then and I remember doing so. We also bathed in it.

Still, that wouldn't account for the hacking and concurrent issues with other health things.

My main point, is getting her maiden name and finding out what her father did. Because these things further identify this woman and what her connections are and how she was directly connected to Whittemore and FBI, at a time when I was having problems with them. She is the one who told my friend Stephanie to let me know she was once "jealous" of me but she wasn't any longer.

She's the one who wore her hair and makeup as Christa thought I was going to do for the shower, and who bought a dress that was exactly like the dress Christa thought I was going to wear, even complete with a black sweater and heels. She is the one who bought the gift item that I told Christa I would buy for Steph if I had the money, when Christa asked me "If you could get anything for Stephanie, what would it be?" and I told her I would like to get her a large vase from Tiffany's and I think I added something else but don't remember what right now. At any rate, that's exactly what Karine got Steph, and it was the same shape and size I described imagining to Christa, and Karine made a point of looking directly at ME when Stephanie was unwrapping the gift and smirking.

It was bizarre and I wondered how in the world Karine and Christa were connected and how Karine or her father or husband could have anything to do with the prolonged and ongoing harassment I received from people connected to the Abbey litigation or catholic church groups that just went after me.

I also wanted to find out the Canada connection, because it was set up to go against me when I left with my son to Canada and many Canadians questioned what was going on. Christa had thought long before that I would go to Canada if I were trying to get away, and Whittemore had connections there and he speaks fluent French.

I don't know what chemical company Br. Ansgar's father worked for. I think he worked in California, and possibly Chicago, and I know he also worked in New York or had family there or something.

There are others who can pull the ends together better than I can. But I'll post the photo of the shy, withdrawn, and "jealous" Karine Bolduc when I'm home or at a place to upload.

At least I got more information and was able to see her photo and confirm, yes, this is the woman.

My Son, My Lovely Beloved Son

I have some really good and important things to write about my son and I'll have to upload some video. Tomorrow though, because I spent this evening chatting with a new female friend who is new to town and whom I think I will like a lot.

Cheers. Have a good night. I will post all of the latest tomorrow. Sweet dreams. My dear Oliver, you are one very strong and brave and beautiful boy. I love you so much and I hope you will be with me, as you should be, without delay. Love your mama, Cam.

Here's To Me, Coming Out of A Grave

My Son's Evidence Of Damages

I got, on video camera from last visit, evidence of complaints I made about what happened to my son, which the state (CPS) mocked.

My son has enamel dysplasia. A photo I posted earlier, of him smiling, is blurred, so you cannot see what I'm talking about. But I got it on video so you can see the tooth enamel problem.

I also got, on video cam, evidence of the "tinea versicolor" that I complained about, which CPS's Michelle Erickson mocked at Fact Finding.

My son and I BOTH got this after Dr. Butler refused to treat a systemic yeast (thrush) infection with oral antibiotics. All the lactation consultants in town knew we had it and questioned what in the hell was going on and why the remedy was being refused me and my son.

As a result, the thrush turned into another form of yeast, "tinea versicolor", which is, according to all scientific and medical journals, extremely rare for an infant to contract unless his immune system has been severely compromised by illness.

The same illness I kept going to the Wenatchee doctors about, to cure.

They did nothing.

Finally, they diagnosed ME with tinea, but not my son. My son had the spots THEN, and I took him in as a diligent mother should. NOW, he still has evidence of this.

My tinea has come out markedly, with the sun and warmer weather, as is typical, and my son's tinea has revealed itself again. He had the spots on his head before and at the last visit I saw a brand new spot right above his left eyebrow. It was also somewhat flakey. It was a dark brown spot of skin discoloration with a flaky sort of aspect to it.

It was proof he STILL has tinea versicolor and he has NEVER been treated for it, and if he and I had been treated for thrush when we had such an aggressive form, it never could have mutated to another form of almost permanent yeast, which is tinea versicolor.

I called Michelle Erickson after the visit and asked her to have Oliver seen for this, once again, and reminded her of how she publicly MOCKED me, for taking my son in to have this taken care of ONE YEAR AGO.

WHO IS LOOKING OUT FOR MY SON's "BEST INTERESTS"?

His mother.

No one else, except for his mother.

And his mother still knows her son should be compensated for all of his pain and suffering in physical damages and not being treated by Wenatchee doctors, and then being forcefully and traumatically separated from his mother as the result of retaliation.

Recording Device Problems At State Office

So it begins again.

The first visit I had with my son, I brought my laptop and tried to connect to wifi. Wi-fi was available but as soon as I brought it up and tried to connect, all the availability disappeared. Not so unusual except for the timing. What happened at the last visit was stranger.

I brought TWO different recording devices to my last visit with my son. Since the monitor and the state worker, Erickson, were lying about my son's interactions with me, and claiming he wasn't afffectionate or bonded to me, I decided having an audio recorder wasn't enough. A friend gave me some money to buy a video recorder. So I set it up.

What was interesting, is that these devices kept shutting down, BOTH of them, at the SAME TIME. It wasn't that the batteries weren't any good, or that one device was malfunctioning or was old.

If that was the case, they wouldn't be shutting down, on cue, at the same time.

Me by the River

Me by the river, for the unknown in Sri Lanka and the one on 15th in D.C. This is the river I lived next to, with my son, when we lived in East Wenatchee, right before going to Canada. The property is sandwiched inbetween this river and Route 2.

Me By The River & Computer Problems

I am trying to upload a photo of me by the river, for my unknown in Sri Lanka and one on 15th in D.C.

I'm having problems with my computer at times again. Not visible hacking, but sudden problems trying to upload things or connect, and something very strange happened at the state CPS offices when I've visited my son.

My Pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-Poker Face...

Mi vida es estrange. I am now learning how to deal for Poker, of all things. I hope I'm not destined for Vegas. At any rate, I don't know anything about cards at ALL, or Poker, but I'm learning and it would be a good night job to have where someone could watch my son while he's sleeping and I'd have him during the day so I can spend time with him and he'll not be in a FT daycare.

Photos From Trip To Oregon

I only got this far with uploading photos and shop is closed (at 8 p.m.!) so we have to go to another place with wi-fi that's open later. These are of me at the rest stop, taking a break from driving, and then I jokingly lined up my prescription bottles on the dash as we drove through Seattle. Some of the bottles were empty and I hadn't thrown them out so I propped them up for effect. I wanted to add a typical "For Sale" sign, as a joke, to the dash, like we're not selling the car but maybe meds or something and we laughed about it. We had some people grinning as they drove by.

Pillow talk

I have to write about some of the funnier things exxon has said lately. Today I was pissed though, when he decided to take a down pillow from a hotel. He said he needed it and I said no, don't take it. I said it was stealing and he took it anyway when he thought I wasn't looking and put it behind the seat. I noticed and made him drive back to return it. I said my name was on that hotel receipt, with his, and I didn't want anyone to think I took it.

parents on exxon

after 30 minutes to a half hour with exxon my father said any dad is going to be checking a potential son in law out and he said he would usually be suspicious but he had no suspicions about exxon at all. He had zero doubts or reservations and said he was fully supportive. So was my mother. They also think the state is trying to help me. They also said my family would be supportive of my having my son back if I were married and if I apologized to the family and took my blog down.

My Son's Tear Stain

I will write about my visit with my son which was today, tomorrow. At least, more tomorrow. I feel sad though, because he came to me polite and in decent spirits but I noticed a tear stain on one of his cheeks. It was a straight line of slightly dried white salty residue from a tear track. It was just on one cheek, trailing from his eye to the middle of his cheek. It made me sad because it hadn't even been wiped away. A tear had rolled down his face and he hadn't even wiped it away himself.

We then played and had fun and at the end of the visit, he wanted to come back to me, and tried to walk back to me, from Pablo's car and from Pablo, across the parking lot. He was forced to go back into the car.

My son wants to see his own mother and the state has forced him to be with a family that is not the one he chooses. My son chooses me and has always chosen me, and yet the state puts their own personal vendettas and determination to be "right" before my son's desires and best interests.

I told the Judge I had new evidence which warranted New Trial and he said I could bring forth a motion for this if I cared to do so. I am still collecting the evidence and then I plan to do this. I have enough to prove my case. In the meantime, I'm doing "services" that I don't even need, but I fully intend to ask for a New Trial.

I love you Oliver. You know and will know one day, how much. I am doing the best that I can, to be sure you are returned to me and without prejudice to my name, and I have done everything with you in mind, as my priority. Hang in there and I'm praying for you that you will have affection, peace, and protection.

Evidence of Leftie?!

I noticed, in this photo of my son, how he uses his right hand to hold the pen but then his LEFT hand to do the directing, as the primary hand for detail work. I think he'll be a leftie. He's only sucked his left thumb since birth and while he seems to be ambidextrous in a lot of ways, I think he favors his left hand for doing the most precise work, as his primary fine motor lead. He was holding the pen end and then using the tail to drag it along the board to see if he could write with it, or scribble, this way. He was essentially using his left hand to write with and his right hand for balancing:

Photos of Mi Amor, Mi Vida; Oliver as Himself

Photos by Oliver 4/22/09

Photos Taken By Oliver Garrett 4/24/09

These are some photos my son took of me and various odds and ends in the office room for visitation. I hate the full face one of me with me smiling, but I included it because I thought he did a good job in framing the shot. While the subject matter is unimpressive, I love the one he did of my hair and earring. He said, before taking that one, "I'm taking one of your hair and earring." He told me what he was going to take a photo of and then did it. The one of me smiling was one where he said it was of my "nose" and yes, my nose seems to stand out. He also pointed to my other earring. Then he took one of my hair, which is where I fluffed it out and made a silly face which cracked him up. He took a photo of a truck and right after, he immediately turned it around so he could take another shot at another angle--he was placing his subject matter! lol. I thought it was so cute and serious of him. I notice how he manages to put the subject in a nice frame, either centered or at an interesting angle, even if the subject isn't interesting itself. Good job for not-yet-three! Each time he took a shot, he would laugh, getting a kick out of what he captured when it played back for him. He was much more interested in taking photos than in having his photo taken, even with me.

images

from the cherry blossom tree
silken cobwebs spring
stringing instruments on a laundry line
just a thread this fine
charms ringing as they sing
petals floating past the wire
past invisibility
past translucent dreams
everything omniscent
i don't own this thing
i don't even write about the one you think
i write about
five different men thinking
they are the one i am writing about
shout out, this one is for you
initialing
my true love is over the sea
over the sea so blue and green
over the foam frothing from the mouth of
the sea dragon
my true love is under the soil
sleeping beauty
my true love is above the moon
capturing my nursery rhymes and holding them to his chest
my true love is sinking in sand
holding out a white flag
my true love is a red red rose
that fades away but in my memory
my true love is a mystery
i think he lives where the hills are always green
he might have a lucky clover for me
covering himself in a white sheet
this ghost
jumping from the roof
some kind of white cape swirling
eating chocolate covered raisins
strapping a parachute to his back when he steps out
backwards, not looking back, walking back
looking forward into the past as he walks away from the past
staring it down
***********************

the thing, the nasty thing in the woodshed
dear lord, has reared an ugly head
wearing a racoon mask
holding a baton with a tall abraham lincoln hat on
do you have to ask?
i ask, do you have to ask?
**********

these "images" are crap, but i don't really care. i'm just writing for the hell of it. i have other things to finish and right now i'm going to put up some photos of my son.

Second Visit With Oliver

The second visit Oliver wanted to play with cars again and we did some drawing and he especially enjoyed stories about Winnie-the-Pooh. At one point though, he seemed to be distressed. He kept making these car crashing noises and then making gestures of something DYING, like he'd been watching violent cartoons or something. I didn't know where he got the idea to make these dying expressions and gestures and I can only guess it's from television that's not being monitored at maybe his babysitters house. He kept saying, "poked", "poking me", and "poked". He said this over and over and he kept making reference to poking. I felt very concerned. At first it was just play noises but then it seemed to me to be in reference to something.

At our first visit, he had once put a finger in my eye playfully and I said, "be careful! don't poke mama!"

So I don't know if he was using this word to describe something that's happening to him or has happened to him, and "poke" just kept coming to mind. I don't know, but it bothered me and worried me.

He wouldn't know how to make dying noises and this poking stuff, if he wasn't watching something or exposed to something that wasn't good. I don't know if some kid is bullying him or he's being spanked or hit or "poked" or what. But he associates my word "poke" with being harmed or hurt and then dying noises so I'm concerned for him.

Otherwise our visit was good, but I could tell he needed to have more time with me. He remembered every single word from his visits with me because they are a big deal to him. I can tell he wants to be with me and there is no doubt our bond is strong. He separates from others but it's like he's been disciplined not to complain or he is worried about offending someone and having them leave him permanently or something.

Then, at the hearing, Michelle Erickson got up and asked the judge NOT to restore telephonic visitation, claiming my son was having behavioral issues after visiting with me.

I took that opportunity to state my son looks forward to seeing me, gives me hugs and kisses and WANTS to be with ME, and any "behavioral issues" are stemming from the fact that he knows me and wants to be with ME and he remembers how it was with ME, and is distressed to go back to his current situation, where separationn from his mother is still damaging to him.

My son needs to be with me MORE, not less, and I was disappointed that this Judge would not even restore telephonic visitation.

It's wrong.

And the person who suffers the most is my son.

First Visit With Oliver

My son greeted me with a big smile. He was so happy to see me and Holly said he had insisted on bringing a balloon and toys I'd given him days earlier, to Mama. He knew the presents (from the florist) were from me and he wanted to bring them to his visit with his Mama. It was a bag with all the toys inside and the balloon attached.

It meant something to him because he knew it was FROM Mama and that he was going to see Mama too.

So we played some different games including hide and seek and the kissing game I mentioned in my previous post. He kept bonking his head to mine in a game we used to play with Granny and then kissing me over and over. Lots of hugs too. I took some photos and let him take some too. I'll have to upload them later tonight.

He then gave me hugs and kisses when Michelle Erickson came into the room to escort him to Holly. Michelle was right there when my son was voluntarily kissing and hugging me.

Which makes it even stranger when both Michelle and Sue were wanting to claim there was no affection from my son. They were the only witnesses, aside from my son, but Holly and Pablo know and have never lied about my son wanting to be with me and preferring me to all others. When others who are not state workers observe my son kissing me or being affectionate...this is the only time the state workers will admit this. It's odd, if you ask me.

Most of the time, during the four hour visit, my son wanted me to play "cars" with him. He is still into cars and machinery, planes and boats and things that move.

We sang a couple of songs and he picked things up quickly.

Audio Recording and Documentation of Visits with Son

This monitor that I have had for the last 3 visits is a problem. Her name is Sue and I was open minded about her until Michelle Erickson made a comment in the hearing, saying the monitor said my son gave me no kisses until the second visit. Which was an odd point to make I thought. Erickson went out of her way to try to make it sound as though my son wasn't bonded to me or affectionate with me after so long an absence. The thing is, she totally lied, or went off of the monitors lies.

In that first visit, I had to keep myself from crying because at one point, my son put his forehead on mine and then would kiss me, over and over, and this game went on for about a half an hour. He just kept kissing me and wanting to have contact. I didn't want him to see me in tears, so I put my sunglasses on and pretended this was part of the game.

But the monitor wrote down that my son put his forehead to mine, but not that he was then squashing me with kisses. He touched my forehead, in a game he and I and Granny used to play and we'd say, "Bonk" or something like that and then give a kiss and my son just hugged me and kissed me over and over.

The fact that this monitor would leave something like this OUT and then the state would try to purposefully use this OMISSION against me, is cause for concern.

So I asked Leeza today for another monitor or for TWO monitors or something to witness the interactions. I think, really, though, that I need to get a Judge's order to allow a witness of my OWN to be present.

I secretly recorded the last two visits but today I recorded the visit with the monitor's full knowledge. She asked if I had "permission" to do this and I said I didn't need permission to record my interaction with my son, but if she wanted to get an order from the court to try to block my ability to keep an accurate recording of what my son and I are discussing, she was free to consult the state about this.

I have a right to protect my son's and my best interests by making sure I'm not being defamed. My son and I have a right to be not be misquoted.

It would be better if I could videotape these visits because it would be as non-intrusive and yet would show my son and I together in a natural way, and could be used as a form of OBJECTIVE hard evidence which one or two monitors could be free to misinterpret but couldn't have the final say about.

My Son's Halo

Today the song "Halo" by Beyonce came on during our visit. My son was singing, "Halo, halo, halo" and I asked him if he knew what a halo was. I explained it was like a crown but it was imaginary or was invisible and you got it for being good. Basically, a crown for being good.

I have to go back and write about the other visits, but today he was counting up to ten accurately on his own, counting objects, and then with help, to 20. He knows most of the letters of the alphabet, out of order. He was showing off his sommersaults and dancing to the rhythm today.

When we left, I was outside and he saw me and he wanted to go back to me. He tried to walk back to me, from across the parking lot. He started to call for "mama" but Pablo put his finger to his mouth in a "shhh". Not mean or anything, not at all, but trying to leave. Exxon saw this and commented on how it was clear my son wanted to go to me when he was told he had to leave. Leeza was outside and was also a witness to this although I don't know whether she'd admit it or not (she works for the state).

My son wants to be with me. He and I know what our bond is and no one could take it away even though they tried, and I mean those who work for the state and some others.

I Don't Know

I don't know. I don't know where this is going. One night I'm asked if I'd move to Colombia to be with him and his family and the next day he's talking about going back to Maryland. One day he says he loves me (a little) and the next, I feel this is just a cover for something like ego or to try to find a way to get out of this without being suspicious or the "bad guy". I told him not to be with me if he doesn't want to be with me or wants to be with someone else or cannot be faithful.

I told him how I feel and it hasn't changed. I am the one with "problems" supposedly, but he goes back and forth so much I wonder if he isn't bipolar or something. I guess I should add, I don't mean literally. I say this in a general "I'm pissed" way. Some things still do not add up.

I like him more than I did before, and his sense of humor made a good appearance again and he seemed smart and fun to be with. And then everything changes the next minute and I feel like I'm a chump.

Other things I can't explain. He's there for me in some ways, but in other ways I wonder why and think what he's saying actually backfires.

We fight, but it's verbal negotiation stuff, and then we make up.

My Funny Valentine

I kept thinking of this song tonight and sang it and listened to old jazz. Ella Fitz, Billie Holiday, Sarah Vaughan, and others. I heard Jingle Bells a few times, and it made me think of my son, who was singing this in our first visitation in a long time. He and I had a very good time and I have been meaning to write about the more positive things about our visit, and not just the other things I noticed that broke my heart.

Other developments with court too.

I made some other interesting discoveries too...and have heard some funny stories. I want to write about these things soon. I'm too tired tonight. Right now, I'm too tired to write. But I am hoping to wake early and put something down.

In the last day or so I haven't noticed a bad "vibe". I am questioning some things, and like I said, not everything I write is true but is sometimes used to help uncover other things and I am still undecided about a couple of matters. It's difficult.

I haven't lost my right to be my son's mother and have him returned to my care. There are some things I hope I can bring before the judge but we'll see. The state was horrible as usual, and I saw some things in court that made me cry later, for the parents of other children and those children.

Not all of the state attorneys seemed malicious but rather halfway good-intentioned. There were others though, who seemed sadistic, laughing at the misery and the sad and desperate but eager attempts of parents trying to get their kids back.

One boyfriend of a mother passed on my name and number, he said, to his girlfriend. he said she wanted to talk to me and I hope she calls or writes. I felt honored that they sought me out as a source of help. There was this sadness in his eyes and he came to me, not to any of the lawyers there.

I feel I have a calling, but I don't really want it. I want my son, and I know that is a calling which is indisputable. But as for the rest, I know what power is within me and of the things I could do for others, but I am also...I don't know.

Using a "Blog" for "Evidence"

I'm going to post some photos from a Colombian party later. Right now I'm working on some things for my son. Have a good day everyone.

I have one thing to say right now...

Using a "blog" as "evidence" of anything, without verifying what is written is true or not, or imaginative or fact, or fiction based on fact, is foolish.

CPS doesn't have any evidence or proof that anything I write in my blog is factual, and they've actually never even bothered to ask, in court. They go around, showing people short clips, and hand things over as if it's a full representation of my life and they don't know which parts are true or not. They just pick and choose. It's foolish and it's not evidence of anything when you don't authenticate the material. It's not something you use as "evidence" unless you first get that person under oath to state what is true or not true. Using someone's blog or creative writing against them, is not grounds for removal of a child, nor is it evidence of a mental illness when no one even bothered to ask for clarification.

Photos from Granny and Grandpas Orchard

These are some photos of Granny and Grandpa's orchard in Cashmere, Washington. Exxon and I took a walk on the property and took photos of the view from the property. Bella, bella!

Exxon also took photos of some photos of me when I was younger.

Photos of Exxon & Me in "Westside Story" (or me as Bette Davis)