Marriage For Me? & Fun Night Out

I don't know exactly what will happen at this point.

I have been testing the waters but I think I've been tested too and I think the testing is or has been clashing.

I don't know. The first time we went to the courthouse, we got there late and money was missing. I was feeling pressured besides and didn't know why I was told it was for that minute or never. So I questioned the hostage game. I wanted to feel I was making decisions based on freedom, nothing else. I didn't know, too, why anyone would want to just leave me in a hotel with absolutely nothing and it felt forced. But I thought maybe it was a way of trying to help me do what someone thought was really in my best interests, even if I couldn't see it.

Then I decided, okay, yes. So yesterday we went and I was ready to do it despite the loss of some things. We got there on time but I got extremely nervous and anxious. I still sort of wanted to test something as well. So I backed out but it wasn't planned, at all. I truly was confused about some things and about motives because I saw evidence that Exxon didn't trust ME. AND, I also was still trying to figure out why he did some things the way he did.

He said he loved me and then said it was just an arrangement and not to make too much of it. So which one? I didn't know. I just know it was back and forth and I didn't know if he was trying to ease my mind or saying what he thought would fit for the moment.

So I did something to ensure I had a little freedom and could make my decision based on some of that freedom. And he said I needed time and was on my own again. So, again, I questioned why he'd want to just leave me without knowing where I was going and what could happen to me.

I went out with a guy I met as a friend and talked with him about getting a loan. He expressed a romantic interest but nothing happened. I stayed at his place, and he seems to have enough money to help with a loan, but I wouldn't kiss him or anything and kept the ring on throughout.

I told him I just didn't know, but I said a few things, testing, because I sort of thought it seemed like he actually knew Exxon for some reason. I don't know how, or why, but I thought it was possible. Just a feeling.

I called Granny last night because I realized I do feel lonely without Exxon and that I like him and miss him when he's away. I had my freedom of choice in more than one way, but I found I missed him. I just didn't know if this was a good thing, after some things happened.

But, I figured, I could make my decision to marry or not marry, best if I looked for more assistance through a personal loan, and then made my decision to marry based a little more on what I felt was right or what I wanted with my heart.

I told this other guy that Exxon didn't have a lot of money and worked in construction and was new to the area. If we go to Wenatchee, it will be even harder, at first. And yet I wondered about some things because one minute he says he doesn't have time and the next minute it seems he DOES have time. I also wondered whether or not he had this other girlfriend he spoke of. Or, someone else who was different entirely.

I even wondered if he was really Catholic like he said, because he's so adverse to pork. And then last night someone said, the friend I was with, said he didn't look Colombian but like something else. I said I thought he looked sort of Middle Eastern if anything. My friend agreed.

So I have kept a couple of secrets, but have wanted to wait until I was able to think about things, to reveal what I am thinking, know, or what I've done.

I wondered too, if the whole thing was too fast, but this other guy, a lawyer, told me he'd met his wife for 3 months and then was married 6 days later.

I have also been confused about who really loves me or is in love with me and has my back. Because I've had mixed signals and sometimes think someone else who knows me, is trying to reach out, and then I think it's Exxon, and then I wonder if it's someone totally different. So far, though, Exxon is the one I've been with and lived with and had the relationship with.

I have had more pressure to be with or not be with him, more than any other relationship in my life. So I really wonder about this too. Why some are SO against it and why some are SO in favor and who is thinking about me or just a bottom line.

At any rate, maybe sometimes you just lighten up.

Everything in my life is so extremely serious and all-important, and my son is absolutely the most important thing to me.

At the same time, some things are so light and different and then I was telling my friend last night, it's really weird because in the middle of all of this, it's like the "universe" is "speaking" to me, which is absolutely ridiculous and weird sounding, but I swear to God, I was telling him, that dance performance I saw was like it was commissioned for me it so hit the mark. And then, just all these little things I notice on the side and even, where I went with this new friend last night, and here we are with English things again (well, more than just english, sort of latin and also a french and maybe american western influenced decor?) and Henry the VIII is staring down on me from the wall and I'm looking over at my friend and saying to him, "Is that Anne Boleyn?" (there were two paintings up on the wall, one of Anne and the other of Henry) and he says, "Yes!...how do YOU know?" (where do people think I've grown up...in the woods?...well, I guess...across from a cornfield. lol.) but then I was wondering how HE knew. I don't know. Then i'm looking around and everything is reminding me of something. Slight deja vu. The music was really good. Oh! and I liked the name of the place "relics"! hahaaa! lol. We had a mini feast, which was fun. We had salmon with cucumber; cornish hen with seasoned carrots (the carrots were my favorite, even more than the hen); mussels; prawns wrapped in proscuitto...somehow I think I remember hearing someone talk about this exact dish...?; and...can't remember what else. It was very good. We had Belvedere drinks. It was definitely a great buzz, and ZERO hang over. I didn't even know it was vodka. Absolutely no bite. Even Grey Goose has a bite. I can't really tell the difference between Grey Goose and Absolut. I mean, I wouldn't spend the money on Grey over Absolute, I don't think. But I can tell the difference with Belvedere.

My favorite dishes were the mussels (no allergic reaction this time!) and the salmon & cucumber and the carrots. I don't know what seasoning or spice was used on the carrots but they were really good. I just went after those carrots. They were perfect and I'm not really a carrots person.

Then, the music was really good and I couldn't sit still in my seat. I pulled my friend up to dance with me. The owners seemed happy about it at least and we had fun.

Anyway, it's owned by a couple of Iranian guys. I had a lot of fun and my friend and I talked a long time. Oh, the other weird thing though, was that when we left, everyone who worked there, said "ciao". Ciao? I guess I hear the English expression of "cheers" for drinking over here, but I thought ciao was unique to the Colombian and maybe Italian community too. I only know Colombians here. Everyone said Ciao though and no one there was from Colombia?? So, I was surprised by this and wondered at it. I mean...I don't know...what's with the Colombian and England mix stuff? I don't know how to describe it but the priest that other day too, with all his props out. I swear to God someone thinks I THINK I'm a reincarnation of P. Diana or something.

Oh, also, I talked to an interesting lawyer the other day and he said he might know of a lawyer in the Washington state area who could file a federal action against the state (CPS, AG, etc) for violations of rules of civil procedure and on a 1983 basis. I'm supposed to shoot out an email and he's going to pass on my info or help me find someone. I am absolutely positive, and I think he's fairly certain as well, that I could probably help a lawyer to MAKE some good money on a federal case.

One other thing I'm so confused about, is that Exxon's little girl is in Colombia, but I swear, I saw this little girl who looked JUST LIKE HIM the other day, like a spitting image. The nose, the eyes, the mouth, and even the face.

At any rate, it w