It's Over

I still want to upload the Colombia party photos. There was more than one party, but I've photos for one of them.

This whole thing with Exxon, on the line, is not going to work. I thought I would keep him on the line to figure out what was going on with the past and some shitty things he pulled, but then he did some good things too. So I wanted to know what was up. Then he came out here and I thought maybe it was for me, but it could have as easily been to redeem himself so he doesn't...I don't know.

The issue is trust. He did things which violated my trust. You try to say it's a new day and that perhaps someone has changed, even switched sides so-to-speak...and he's trying to quit some old habits.

But for someone like me, who already has had trust betrayed and has trust issues to start with, being with a full blown womanizer and con artist isn't exactly conducive.
If I could believe in, and fully trust Exxon, after some things have happened, it would be a miracle.

But no, even if I do care about him and love him in a sense, how does one live their life checking their partners email and phone contacts all the time, wondering if he's really going for a "run" and not just next door to the house of the mistress?

All of the songs his formers gave him had to do with unfaithfulness. I don't know that it's up to me, or within my "powers" to keep him faithful. There are other things besides that.

On one hand, I feel more protection with him, which I blame on society. Society dictates women are more trustworthy with a partner. My family and others accept me and my position as a mother MORE, far more, if I have someone with me. And having or being with a "partner" makes one seem more credible, as though a relationship is working and therefore one is supported with this "witness" that you are relationship material. I don't think it's good for me to be alone right now, with what has happened when I've been alone, with no one to testify on my behalf or stand up for me.

Exxon, though, doesn't add up. He doesn't want to add up either. He doesn't care about reassuring me as to why he has money for a car one day but the next day, that same money which wasn't spent on the car, isn't even being used for an apartment.

I told him, I can handle "poor". It's one thing to just be plain poor. It's another thing when the mathematics just don't add up. Back and forth and back and forth, and he has money one day, for one thing, but not the next? It doesn't add up. 2 plus 2 equals 4 but with him, it might equal 1 or 0. There is a very odd inconsistency with his explanations as to how he has "no money" and needs to work but he isn't looking very hard, and instead wants to socialize and watch movies and gets angry if I miss "training" for dealing for poker. Then he goes off about how he "supported" me for months in D.C., but first of all, I was physically sick, secondly, he was talking to me about marriage and the green card, which made me more of a playing chip than a girlfriend, and then finally, he wasn't even faithful to me and couldn't admit it, when I was loyal to him the whole time.

And I DO believe he is somehow working with the U.S. I don't know what capacity, but if it's not that, I've been set up to fall more than once since I've been with him and if he's not the one involved, someone he knows or my proximity to him has alarmed others so that they want me to think there is something wrong.

He's a good actor but he's an inconsistent one. I actually was enjoying his company and then he raises all of my concerns again, some which I have in the back of my mind and shouldn't forget in the first place.

He says he's faithful to me now but how do I know? I'm the one who is working or away most of the day and he knows, like I do, that I have no way of checking on this. He wasn't faithful in the past and I already know he lies about this when it's convenient for him. Not only that, he was bringing up the old "timeframe" thing too, about how long until I would marry him. Which, if you really love someone, doesn't matter. A piece of paper doesn't matter. I asked him why he liked me not too long ago and he said three reasons: 1. I was 'different' from anyone else he'd ever been with, 2. I don't remember the second reason, and 3. He had this "goal" to "win" this game. He called it a game and that's what it seems to have been. I can understand being a challenge or the whole conquest thing, to some degree, but I'm not a game nor am I the pawn in any game.

I haven't even told most people, certaintly not here, about some of the things that happened in D.C.

In some ways, I thought, it might be possible that he actually "falls" for me. But more than anything, I get the feeling he didn't want his name to stand "as is" for what was going down in D.C., and the whole "hump and dump" deal. So he either cared a little, or felt guilty, or was still going for that green card. But it's all about the timeframe and ME working now. He has been looking for work, but not like he wants me to look for work. And he always brings up going to Maryland. If I said yes, go to Maryland, he would. And then he asks me if it's "okay" for him to have another girlfriend and if I'd care--that was when we first came into town.

I signed a marriage application in D.C. but I had such a bad, sinking feeling, that I went straight back and cancelled it, within 10 minutes. I hoped it wouldn't even show up in the computer system but it did. It's just the app., not the actual marriage, but something was very "off" and I had a bad feeling about it. I then wanted to see how he treated me if he thought he had the app. signed. I've been watching him and testing him because I actually DO love him a little bit.

But I've wanted to know why he's messed with me to begin with and what this has been about. What the objective has been and if something genuinely changed, what was it? Is he sincere or not? What does he want out of this or out of me? He wants me to have my son back, he says, but with my name fully cleared and my reputation restored, or just my son back, but with the whole stipulation that I be diagnosed as mentally ill or drug seeking first, to preserve the reputations of OTHERS who have been involved in my demise? He could easily work against me or backfire by suddenly testifying that he was with me but then felt "sorry" for me and that he believes I'm mentally ill and need "help" and he's just hanging around because he "cares" and he's a "good guy". I mean, I could have absolute invalidation as he restores the credibility of others I've complained about. On one hand, he has stated he doesn't think I need medication, but I have no idea, really, what he'd say when it comes down to it because he's not under oath.

If I didn't care about him or didn't love him to some degree, at all, I wouldn't still be with him, not after breaking away from Maryland. I told him I needed more time to observe and see where the relationship went. So he brings up a timeline. I'm not marrying someone just so they can get their green card, screw me over, and then put my son in a bad situation.

He has a daughter, and I HAVE thought about her, and thought it is possible, if he were legit, to imagine something with him, but I haven't seen enough consistency yet to say one way or the other if I could live with him and his daughter and my son in Colombia, or, in the U.S. He says he wants to give his daughter the opportunity to live in the U.S. and go to a U.S. college. I care about his daughter and talked to her briefly over the phone.

In the last few days, he has lightened up a bit and we've had fun. We've had some laughs. At the same time, I have all of the other concerns. He gets mad that I question him or doubt him as if it's my fault I don't know what to believe. What does he expect? I would be an idiot, impulsive, and lacking good judgement not to question. Very seriously. I question not to condemn, but to ascertain the full truth and determine what, exactly, is in MY best interests, and what is also in the best interests of my SON. I am not going to put my son in a precarious position or my own reputation either. I also care about HIS life and his daughter. Since he's been here, I've taken him to have all his medical things checked out.

I asked him the other day how he had a pulse rate of only 65 beats per minute. He has higher bp but is obviously more physically fit than his activities in Maryland, at least those known to me, would indicate. My pulse rate was 90 or something and it was only 60 or 65 when I was a competetive runner. It makes me wonder where or if he's training somewhere. He's been in the states, he says, for 8 months and then was just doing a little soccer here and there. Not even regularly. His physical frame is fit too, though thinner now. I asked him how he had a heartrate of 65 and he looked surprised that I picked up on this.

I don't know everything. He has his secrets but he expects and wants me to be an open book. I pretty much have been. I've kept a few things from him and tested him and watch him, to see what's going to happen next.

He told me, when he first met me, to start writing. He said I could write about him and that my story was beginning. Well, I had a story before I ever met him, and I think he sometimes regrets telling me to write about everything.

Adventure and excitement is great. But I look for stability and consistency too. In some ways he's been consistent, but as to motive and things he says to me, like, why he's with me and finances, don't always add up. I have said "it's over" before and so has he, and then we change our minds. What motivates him to go back? the green card? or what? what motivates me? I don't know. I am attached to him in many ways and it will hurt to say goodbye forever, but if it's not going to go anywhere and he isn't sincere, that's what is going to happen. It's somewhat nuts that I am still interested, after some things happened, but I believe in new starts and second chances and that people can sometimes change.

He talks to me about "change" but there are some things I don't want to change about myself or don't believe I need to change. Other forms of change happen naturally. Some of the issues I have are not my own issues, but, I believe, a conflict of my will and societal dictates. People were telling gays to "change" for a long time, to fit in better with what others wanted. For one example. Women were told to submit and change to meet the needs of their husbands, and that they didn't need an individual vote if they were truly "one" and joined and their husband was the "head". There are a lot of different forms of "change" that I don't advocate or agree with.

I've had conflicts most recently, when people in Wenatchee claimed I had no physical injuries and that my son was unharmed. The fact that I was distressed by refusal of treatment for me and my son when we were ill or needed help, isn't a breakdown. It's a normal response to being harassed and treated poorly, of suffering and seeing my son suffer, and being helpless against bullies. Not only did my son and I have damages from childbirth for which we could even obtain diagnostics, and I was only given painkillers, I was having seizures and no one did diagnostics for this either, even though I asked repeatedly. Instead, I was falsely accused of having a breakdown and being delusional for thinking I or my son had any issues at all.

Exxon claims sometimes that he's just discovered my blog. He's known about it from the start. I found it on his phone. And sometimes, he would do things or say things after I wrote about something and he'd obviously read what I'd written and either someone else translated for him or he reads well enough. He even told me this later, himself.

There are some people who feel sorry for my situation, regarding my son, but they don't want me to be "cleared" necessarily. They may want me to have my son back, but only on conditions that I am diagnosed in a way which would "clear" others of misconduct and illegal activities I accused them of.

I have a lot of things to consider, and in some ways, Exxon has given me strength which has ultimately come from myself, because of AND in spite of him and things he's done. What he really wants from life is up to him.