My Seeming Inconsistencies & "Confusion"

Sometimes, you humiliate yourself, to get closer to what's going on and how far someone is going to take something.

Any of my seeming inconsistencies, in how I feel about Exxon, or Chris, or anyone for that matter, in this situation, are reflective only of a process in uncovering a few things that have been going on. I'm not getting hurt, or hurting myself, nor am I allowing others to harm me.

Temporal humiliation is a small price to pay, in my mind. I know what I believe and think, but there are a few loose ends.

I'm checking into things.

I left several messages with Exxon, on his VM, and I even told him I thought I loved him a little bit and I was sorry. He "took me back" and then last night he said, "So, you said you might love me a little?" and I said, "I think it was the Percocet."

I'm not a fucking idiot. Although I keep losing things, like today, I can't find my engagement ring. I only have my one other piece of jewelry now, my bracelet and I put it on, but only for the color.

I met a guy who says he might be able to do some P.I. work for me for free so I said "Let's go!" and he's on it. Of course I'm not going to say anything more.

Let me put it to you this way--LIke I said, you can't judge a book by its cover. That man I spoke with last night, I told Exxon, was someone with power. He laughed and thought it was a joke, but when this man, who almost appeared to be homeless, shook my hand right before leaving, I actually felt it. I felt a very, very, strong, positive energy and connection. I will probably never see him again. But I thought about my description of how I am just "testing the waters" and how he was reading "Dark Waters" and I considered things we talked about.

It's been a Cold War, seems to me, but I think someone somewhere knows what's going on and is keeping even better tabs than I am.

There are some pretty basic things that either add up and line up, or they don't. I keep one eye open.

I don't, in all actuality, feel that humiliated even, because I guess, I feel I sort of know what I'm doing. Even if I lose ground, I don't lose the war and I get closer to more and more very strange...? I don't know, concerted plans of action?

A lot has been revealed, to me, through recent mishaps and even my own seeming "confusion".

Maybe, ever thought of this...?

I'm not fucking confused at all? Maybe I'm the only one who is NOT

fucking

"confused".

Blow off and have a great day. I've things to do while others are screwing around.