dream of hostage & tearing up shirts & princess di

I had a sort-of dream where I was taking a nap today and I saw this guy in a chair, sitting, with his hands tied behind his back and a gag with different colors and white, in his mouth. It was a cloth gag. He was sitting on a wood and rope type of chair with knobbed legs and posts of wood and then the seat was this twisted kind of rope or something.

He had light colored hair and was white. I couldn't make out a face though. I didn't have a really bad feeling with it, like it was dangerous or really bad. I just saw this guy with his hands tied behind his back and gagged.

I think the colors were Colombian colors, in the cloth, but with white too, but it's probably because I see a lot of colors from Colombia.

I told Exxon and he said I'd had too much Percocet. (for the record, I'd just had my normal prescribed amount).

I also said to him I thought he'd been walking with some American white guy for awhile. Many miles and then I thought of the song 1,000 miles but I didn't say it out loud.

Last night I saw a crystal rose in a clear vase. That's all it was.

I tore up two of Exxon's shirts. One for fun and one for effect. He didn't like the second rending of his garments.

It was today and he was wearing a nice button-up shirt and he kissed me in the car, as he was saying I was crazy and laughing. That was right after I told him, when he ditched me at the CVS, saying he was finished, the song "When A Man Loves A Woman" came on. He cracked up. I said yeah, I was making a mental check list. Yes? NO?! So he was laughing and kissed me and saying how I was exciting so I put a hand at the front of his shirt and yanked down.

He didn't look so excited all of a sudden, as a button went flying off and hit the plastic dash, with a TING!, or rather, as it was plastic, kind of "BLAT" sound.

He was then trying to hold his shirt together with his seatbelt so he wasn't driving around with the neck open like Fabio.

I told him he said he liked excitement and he said "soft", liked a "soft" touch and then he said he didn't have that many shirts. It was hilarious, as he was driving trying to keep his shirt from flying open to expose his chest, and then he was sneaking down to the basement to go in through another entrance before anyone from the house saw him.

I was wondering what he'd do if I tore all of his shirts up then said I didn't know what had come over me, that I had a tearing-up-shirts fetish I couldn't control and that it might be part of some kind of mental illness or disorder. I could even try to cry about it, as I pick up pieces and parts of the cloth from the floor, with shame written all over my face.

That would be kind of cool, actually. I can see some kind of play or dance, or scene, with this going on and then "SHAME" written in lipstick over the woman's face.

I'm sooooooooo sorry! I don't know what came over me! It was the Old Spice deodorant and Dolce & Gabbana colonge mix. I could wipe my tears away with fragments lying on the floor and offer to make a patchwork quilt out of the remnants.

It would be a very cool quilt. With buttons randomly sewn across it. Lipstick stains on the edges. I could enter my work in an art show with the headline:

"Fanning Flames With Fabio"

"Fumar Con Franco"

"Flamenco Flush"

"To Fuck A Fan" (this one is actually very fun to say. Say it 3x fast!)

I like the song "Eperdu" by Cocteau Twins. Very pretty. I really like it.

Exxon asked me if I remembered all of my dreams but I don't. I think I have more dreams that I do not remember. I did have another dream not too long ago, in the last day or so, that I wrote a book and I published one manuscript and sent it out.

Despite some of Exxon's demanding ways, and questionable tactics, he has now sworn fidelity (?!) and I notice a few things now and then that seem protective. If I've had a drink where I feel more than tipsy than I usually would for one drink, he tests it himself and has a drink. I notice this.

At first, last night, he seemed defensive of Princess Di, even protective when I said something that wasn't really dignified or whatever. No, it wasn't about dignity, it was about taste. But THEN I actually got very concerned when he said something. I wouldn't sleep close to him and I thought, "If he has a problem with DIANA, I don't think we can be tagethah."

Well, this is what he said. I said I thought some group killed her and I was crying and explained I sort of felt like I could relate to her because I had similiar things happen to me even though I wasn't a "princess" or famous. I told him I'd tested as having her personality type originally, as well, the first time I ever took Meyers-briggs, in high school. I was INFP. And I understood her family problems and how it is to not be understood.

I asked him, when he first asked if I wanted him to play some Elton John song for Diana, I said no, and then said, "How do you know she liked Elton John?" and he shrugged. He said, "Candle in the wind?" and I said, "No, too depressing right now." And then he said, "Lady In Red" and that's when I said, "HOW DID YOU KNOW she liked that song?" and as soon as he said the title I burst into tears, for the first time in days. It was just one of those odd emotional moments for a split second. He shrugged again and I told him he must have some kind of interest in Diana if he knew these things. At that, he pushed his lips out like he thought it was rubbish and said she wasn't something special and that she was a good, good, woman, but her death was no different from any other. And then he said she was killed because she was "trying to get with Dodi Al-Fayed's son". This is direct quote but it's difficult to say what he meant to say because he mainly speaks Spanish and this is what he said in his broken English.

I think he meant because someone didn't like the fact she was involved with someone who was Muslim, but for a split second, it sort of sounded like it was SHE who was trying to be with a Muslim and this was offensive to maybe muslims? I am quite sure this is NOT the meaning HE intended, but I thought about this for the first time as a possible motive. Maybe some very radical group of Muslims didn't like it? But this would be a stretch...of all the different religious groups, it would seem Muslim would be approving and okay with their union. I still think it's probably some faction of intelligence with religious ties, that didn't like either her political union with muslims OR who didn't like her involvement in the landmines. I really think it had more to do with her potential as an activist in a very dangerous activist field.

I mean, when you really think about it, Diana probably didn't even realize the potential dangers of getting involved and speaking out about DEFENSE weapons. I think one has to take her concerns about friends of Prince Charles' bumping her off but I do not believe Charles would do this himself. I feel very instinctively that this is impossible. But SHE was probably getting what she THOUGHT was SOLID info from intelligence buddies who WANTED to create this idea in her head so she'd write letters and voice concerns about this, in order to create their own smokescreen for their highly organized and well-thought plans. I told Exxon this, that one reason I felt close to Diana is because I could see how others made the best use of my own problems with my family against me, for their own purposes. I could be wrong, but I "feel" that it is not her family but ALSO that Diana was NOT paranoid either. I think one would have to look at her concerns about family seriously and not put it off, BUT I also believe it's possible she got all this misleading information purposefully, to create wider divisions within her own could-have-been helpful ranks, because if the royal family couldn't control her, some independent state group WOULD take care of her.

(I really like this lastfm live version of "into the blue" by the mission. he does some speaking at the end and it's Sooooooooooo great! I LOVE IT! I adore this accent and think I might need to live around it someday. I also like "Reptile" by The Church...this is an amazing song with incredible lyrics...the lyrics are outstanding...wow...might like more of The Church. I also LOVE THIS one, for the melody and drive as well as the lyrics...I like the cowbell drum thing at the chorus--Written in Blood. I like "Pity" as well for the lyrics and images that come to mind--very poetic and secret garden. "Happy When It Rains" it really beautiful melody and lyrics. I think I'm enjoying this type of station today).

Exxon showed me the rings which were inscribed with our names in Colombia. They're very pretty, or classy. Very good taste, each is flat without any raised materials and each has 3 tiny diamonds and the rest is white gold but it's brushed sort of flat. The diamonds have a little fire so I like that. I'd rather have small diamonds with fire than a large rock that's so-so. I actually sort of like my other ring too, and he showed me the other part that goes with it, which has little diamonds. They're different but I almost want to wear both of them. I'm a minimalist when it comes to jewelry but they're fairly classic so I might be able to wear them together.

I heard his mother and father speaking with him the other night and his neice as well and they sound like a lovely family. He misses them and that's evident. He said he missed his family. He said his daughter is at a good school in Colombia and that the schools there are very good scholastically and her school is ahead of what he's seen of the U.S. schools. He wants me to go to Colombia and I think was trying to tell me about school opportunities for my son. He said the math and science standards were a lot higher and that the students were ahead. Oh, and he said it's a private bilingual school that she goes to. I don't doubt she's smart--Exxon is smart too, and it sounds like her mom is. She is really cute with a pretty smile.

I never make food for myself, living alone or with him and he asked if I had prepared food for my son. "Of course!" I said. I was talking to him about DHA and AHA and different levels of different minerals in cod liver oil and I noticed he liked hearing that I was interested in these things. I told him, I research everything, when it comes to my son, and kids, I want them to have the best, so I got mercury free and distilled cod liver oil for my son and I researched which one was most effective with the best balance of minerals because they offset the other minerals and one can reduce the effectiveness of the other.

All of that is true. I researched a lot of parenting styles from books and academics and I took children's literature classes in college as well. I practiced on others' kids too, because I knew one day I'd have kids and I wanted to be the best that I could be, as a mother. I don't think it's my only calling in life, but I'm good at it and I work very hard at it even though it is a lot of sacrifice too.

In many ways, I could jump for Exxon. In other ways, I think about jumping out. I am most confused about the control issue. Like, what is in my best interests, and what is purely...? I don't know. controlling?

Exxon asked me today if I wanted to or would like to go to church with him. I said I didn't know, or didn't think so, but which church? He is Catholic and goes to Catholic church if he goes but he said someone he worked with invited him to church, a different one. I said I probably didn't want to go, but if he wanted to that was fine with me, whether he wanted to go to a mosque, synogogue, catholic church, or anything else. He said the church was a different name and it sounded like maybe a Protestant variety. Will have to ask him again.

My favorite newspaper find today, was in the USA Today, on page 14A. There is this photo of a little Afghan boy standing the middle of a field of poppies and the weight of this photo just hit me. It's the most beautiful photo and you can only imagine what it's like in color, to be in the middle of a poppy field. I really like poppies! they're so bright and beautiful, and here's this cut and innocent little boy, standing in the epicenter of how many wars? or at the root of something very good which ends up being used as a weapon against others, in the heroin and weapons trade.

It's so interesting. I love this photo. My favorite find since the one of the old guy who used to be a fed. treasurer, with the smoke rolling out from his cigarette. I showed that one to Chris D., it was so interesting to me.