Questioning Marriage After Lies, Again

I don't know. I feel like crying today, but there is almost nothing to even cry over. Why cry over sour milk? The only thing to do is throw it out and wash the taste out of your mouth.

I was becoming engaged, in mind and emotion, more and more, to my marriage with Exxon. I went with him to the courthouse to apply for the license and signed the paper--to apply.

I did a lot of thinking after that.

For one thing, he had confessed his previous infidelity and it seemed like a new page and a new book, and I was okay with forgiving all and moving forward. It's not a totally typical deal, but I grow more and more attached and see him following through with other things. He said he'd wire some money, and I waited to see if he would, and he did after I was in Wenatchee. He said his friends, the women especially, are all rooting for my son. I feel it's not just the women, who are more talkative and expressive, but I hope I am right when I say I believe a lot of the men want my son's situation resolved. They are fathers. They have children.

I have still tested things with him. I have held back quite a lot and asked a lot of questions. A LOT of questions.

He has been sounding so sincere, and I've not suspected he was with anyone else until last night. He has sounded more and more affectionate. I sent my first emails to him, business stuff, about work for both of us, but taking it up a small notch. I have also thought about his daughter in the last few days and begun to embrace her, in my mind, as part of my perhaps future.

But it seems he cannot keep it in his pants and worse, he cannot manage to be honest. I could even handle a slip-up if he were honest. But he had PLANS to be with that Princessa Colombiana last night, and he was, and then he still tried to lie.

I GET IT, now, how it is to be cheated on publicly. At least, in many ways, Chris D. was discreet. I mean, well, I take that back. It's not just a strike against loyalty and trust in a relationship, it's a form of public humiliation, especially when they all hope or think you might be the very last to know. It's one thing to do something in total secret and another thing to do it when EVERYONE fucking knows...In THAT case, it's almost like a flagrant plug of disrespect.

And he does this, while telling me he is thinking of me and am I thinking of him? and while he's saying he's been wearing his wedding ring finally. He made a big point of how he's wearing his ring all the time now, and he LIKES wearing it. He's told others, in many ways, he thinks I'm worth something and he believes in me, and he stands up for me against others, but then he just fucks it up. Right after asking me, if I was going out dancing (which he was concerned about but okay with), NOT to kiss any other guys. I promised him I wouldn't and that I wouldn't drink much. And I was faithful to my word. I was going to go to a bigger club after having something to eat and dancing a little at a small place where there wasn't really dancing...but I danced the merengue and salsa and tango. So I had left my painkillers at the hotel and needed half of one at least, and someone drove me over and then I just decided I was tired (still on E.Coast time) and stayed in.

He told me he was at a BBQ yesterday afternoon, at the house of the woman who is a cousin to the nasal princess chick. He sounded subdued and different when he was telling me and I asked if SHE was there and he said no. He told me to call him later that night when I was out so he knew I was okay.

So he SWORE "that woman" wasn't there, and then later I tried calling him, about 4 times, last night, in a 3-hour timespan, and it all went to VM. Then, it said it was full. He was obviously preoccupied. So I finally said this was over if he thought he could lie and be out with someone else but ask me to be loyal, when I've always been.

HE asked ME to call him, and I did. And then I realized, he's been asking me to do the calling all the time and then half the time he's not picking up. Well, that's not such a big deal, but after getting angry, I was THEN worried, because I thought, the only other possibility was that something maybe happened to him. So I called different people to see if they could get ahold of him, or knew how he was; I called police to make sure there hadn't been any reported incidences or accidents with his name associated; and THEN I called the JAIL to make sure something hadn't happened there.

I was concerned about him and making all these calls, in the middle of the East Coast morning. I thought, "Would he do this for ME?" Would he search for me and make a bunch of calls to be sure I was okay? I was doing this for him.

And then, this morning I called again and he answered. I called at 8 a.m. PST and it's 3 hours ahead there and he was working (or at work). He said he just hadn't thought about answering his phone. ?! and THEN, I said I wanted to talk to his friend, and Exxon said why not call back in 2 minutes? I didn't want Exxon to have that time to tell Henry what to say to me. So I said I'd wait until he was on the phone. When Henry was on the phone, I asked him how he was doing and told him what was going on over here and how it was in Wenatchee. Then I asked him about the BBQ and said, had it been at C.'s house? and he said yes, and I asked next, was her cousin there, the one from the last Colombian party? and he said yes.

Exxon totally LIED to me about her even BEING there. And then it was confirmed SHE WAS there. And he wasn't fucking answering his phone.

The last thing I said to Henry, when we got disconnected, was I needed to write down some information. I hadn't been able to locate Henry's number in my phone last night when I needed it, and I hadn't even been able to recall his last name for calling 411. I made a ton of 411 calls over EXXON, out of concern for him when he was fine and screwing around.

I couldn't remember Henry's last name. I said, "Is is Zappata? or Zapista?" I couldn't remember and then I got disconnected and just thought, I don't need to call back right now. I just found out what I wanted to know. I was lied to, again.

He wouldn't have lied so early on and later as well, if he hadn't been premeditating something.

I think this is totally over. I put the engagement ring on my right hand pinky finger. It's nice little pinky ring.

If it fit one of my toes, I'd fucking slide it onto a toe. That would be the most fitting symbol of what this has become or always was.

If I am marrying someone, in any kind of romantic or other relationship, I am not going to legally sign onto something where he's not looking out for me in the same way that I'm looking out for him, or being honest with me in the same way. It doesn't have to be perfect and I don't expect perfection and I'm not perfect. But I expect loyalty in a "marriage" or engagement. Without it, nothing else matters. It doesn't even have to be a typical marriage or for certain reasons, but there is an understanding and trust or respect that should go along with it and I'm not going to be the donkey pulling the cart.

I even took the number for immigration and homeland security last night, in case someone had tried to deport him or put him in a center for such, and I was going to try to HELP.

Would he do this for me?

I think about situations where my own family has failed me, and where my boyfriend left me in jail, and it was his best friend (Nacho) who made sure I was sent some money and looked after and tried to rally people for me. I feel like I have to know someone is keeping touch so if something happens, everyone is safe.

I have my son, besides myself, to consider as well.

I think he'd have to come to me if anything is to be salvaged. I have to go back for an eval with a woman, but I'm not going to stay with him until or unless I hear some very good reason for this. I don't see any good reason for it, at all. A leopard doesn't change its spots either, so "marriage" isn't going to solve anything if he's not okay with settling down.