I kept thinking of this song tonight and sang it and listened to old jazz. Ella Fitz, Billie Holiday, Sarah Vaughan, and others. I heard Jingle Bells a few times, and it made me think of my son, who was singing this in our first visitation in a long time. He and I had a very good time and I have been meaning to write about the more positive things about our visit, and not just the other things I noticed that broke my heart.
Other developments with court too.
I made some other interesting discoveries too...and have heard some funny stories. I want to write about these things soon. I'm too tired tonight. Right now, I'm too tired to write. But I am hoping to wake early and put something down.
In the last day or so I haven't noticed a bad "vibe". I am questioning some things, and like I said, not everything I write is true but is sometimes used to help uncover other things and I am still undecided about a couple of matters. It's difficult.
I haven't lost my right to be my son's mother and have him returned to my care. There are some things I hope I can bring before the judge but we'll see. The state was horrible as usual, and I saw some things in court that made me cry later, for the parents of other children and those children.
Not all of the state attorneys seemed malicious but rather halfway good-intentioned. There were others though, who seemed sadistic, laughing at the misery and the sad and desperate but eager attempts of parents trying to get their kids back.
One boyfriend of a mother passed on my name and number, he said, to his girlfriend. he said she wanted to talk to me and I hope she calls or writes. I felt honored that they sought me out as a source of help. There was this sadness in his eyes and he came to me, not to any of the lawyers there.
I feel I have a calling, but I don't really want it. I want my son, and I know that is a calling which is indisputable. But as for the rest, I know what power is within me and of the things I could do for others, but I am also...I don't know.
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So, a 'J' came with me when we visited your Granny's and so did a 'L'. I am 'M'. Good job with figuring it out. I didn't think I was giving to big a hint each time I wrote, but you came up with the correct answer.
So yeah, my personality is to recall people from my life and wonder how they are doing. Over the past several years, I would occasionally do a search for you on myspace or facebook, but came up empty. So, about two weeks ago, I simply did a Google search for you and there you were, right at the top of search order. I didn't know whether I should say anything as I have no idea what your thoughts are towards me. I was so young when you knew me and really quite the jerk when I consider just how selfish I was at that time. I'm still probably pretty selfish, but I do have a clue about the feelings of others now. I hope there are no hard feelings towards me. I certainly don't have any.
Well, you've cracked the code. If you are feeling stronger lately, it is definitely the Lord, because I have been praying for you. My prayer is mostly that you draw near to Him and rely heavily on His ability to heal your circumstance. That His will is done and that He covers you, your child and your family. That through all of this, His glory is revealed and abundant in all parties lives. Everything about this troubling series of events in your life must ultimately reflect the power of God and His glorious healing. I don't believe your circumstances will be redeemed unless your whole focus is on the Lord. The enemy is going to continue to work against you and will seek to drive you mad and bitter throughout this whole process. Remember that the Lord has allowed this and is in control no matter how out of control it seems.
"Unto thee, O LORD, do I lift up my soul. O my God, I trust in thee: let me not be ashamed, let not mine enemies triumph over me. Yea, let none that wait on thee be ashamed: let them be ashamed which transgress without cause. Shew me thy ways, O LORD; teach me thy paths. Lead me in thy truth, and teach me: for thou [art] the God of my salvation; on thee do I wait all the day. Remember, O LORD, thy tender mercies and thy lovingkindnesses; for they [have been] ever of old." -David (Psalm 25:1-6)
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