My Health & Ideas for Mexico

Healthwise, I am feeling better. I feel good in general, like my CBC and bp must be okay and just am fighting pain. The pain is the worst part. I woke up in the middle of the night again last night and had to take something and still couldn't sleep so I took something for anxiety/sleep, a part of 2 mg. Ativan.

I think I'm going to go to a psychiatrist and request something for short term anxiety because of all the nightmares and stress I've had since my son was taken from me by CPS and their harassment against me. They have purposefully provoked me and ignored their rules, and I have stress and anxiety because of this. So I'm going to talk to someone and see about getting a prescription.

I'm waiting for this process to be over, but it's happening very slowly for my body. The cramps and muscle spasms are still there. They're normal muscle spasms--like from tension because of pain and then they just wig out.

I'm concerned I'll go a long time and then find out, at day 10, there is still stuff remaining and that someone will have to go in. I want to avoid D&C. I am also worried about running out of pain pills because I only have enough for a few days and I have to use them day and night, as I can't sleep at night without them.

This is good I'm not having a D&C though, because it will make it possible for any cervical problems to be correctly evaluated before I'm pregnant next time. If there is cervical incompetence, they will catch it and I'll be prepared when I'm next pregnant.

I'm also glad, in a way, to have had this experience, because it has opened my eyes to a whole new field or realm of suffering, and the experience helps me to understand what others go through.

I feel God has blessed me with a lot of wisdom over the years, and some of it has come through revelation and insight...but a lot of it has come through very hard experiences I've had to go through.

I wish you knew how much I've changed. I'm the same person as when I was a teenager, and I don't feel my personality is altered at all, but what I've learned is beyond any instruction I could get from a teacher or a book. My life experiences have forced me to see things differently. Now, I am able to understand how meaningful, how painful, and how serious some mothers and fathers take miscarriage. Some handle it swiftly, and they didn't bond much, and then others are absolutely devastated by it. I understand men take it every bit as hard as women.

I'm glad, then, to know how to empathize about this. Sometimes women would say to me they'd had 3 kids and 2 miscarriages and I'd wonder why in the world they brought up their miscarriages. It didn't seem like a big deal to me. But now I know why those who do, do. You know it was life you created, and you bonded, and sometimes, you even see what they looked like, and you carry their memory with you, in your heart.

I have had so many totally unrelatable experiences--things most people can't identify with me about, and now I've had something happen that a lot of people have gone through. So for once, I'm able to find validation for the way I feel, online, and others can understand what this is like.

I don't have postpartum though, and I'm not depressed. I've still accepted it from the moment I accepted it long ago, after the first couple of weeks. That doesn't mean I haven't cried since then, or looked at my baby and been proud of how beautiful he was. Or thought to myself, "Another BOY!" and then wondered if the ectopic was another boy too. I think if I am pregnant again, it will be a boy.

I think that article is right, about mothers having the kind of kids they are most suited to raise. I am and would be, a good mother to boys. While I have almost all of my experience with girls, when I had a boy I was thrilled by the difference, and I think I understand boys better than some. My personality style is suited for raising boys I think. Not that I wouldn't want a girl, but I'd be fine with all boys too.

I'm not planning on getting involved with anyone for awhile. I'm not going on birth control or anything, because I'm not going to be with anyone. When I am, I'm going to be sure there is no way anyone from the state or anywhere else can take my child from me, and most likely, I will be living abroad.

All I want, is to get my son back, and have people held accountable for depriving me of my rights, and then move away with him, as is my right. If I didn't have my son with me, I would go to Mexico on my own and try to help fix that country and their fighting and drug problems and push for a better approach for the safety of everyone. You could get killed trying, but I would like to think I could be a kind of Evita and encourage peace between the gangs, and help them to find real means for supporting and growing their economy so that people are moving to MEXICO and not leaving. I also think better laws should be in place between Mexico and the U.S. and I think drugs should be legalized to take the pants off of the crime.

So much crime still continues, but if drugs were legalized in Mexico, they'd have nothing to fight over. It's not going to happen in the U.S.--they will not legalize drugs. But I think Mexico could do it. Why wouldn't they want to? The drug market could be a huge economic contributor. People would have to find some other way to get money, or they could take a sanctioned job by the government of Mexico. The profits would be distributed among the entire country not just the pockets of a few. I think Mexico also needs surveillance on the burial sites where women keep getting dumped and buried. There is no excuse for not catching who is doing this. Mexican people are very strong--they overthrew the elite and rich and won their country for themselves. They come from Aztecs and indian cultures that had proofs in their art and science, of stellar imaginations and intelligence, and yet they've just been pushed down, even now in their own country, because of the color of their skin. You could have a genius walking around in Mexico, doing odd jobs, and disappearing into the streets, and no one would even notice, because he is very short and extremely dark, and does labor. People would ignore him, and yet his mind could be this fantastic hidden thing, full of ideas and ingenuity and promise, and yet he was never allowed to develop through education, and he doubts himself. He knows the other people sound a little bit loco or stupid, but he can't assert himself, because he's "nothing" to society. But he becomes angry because he sees how he must be smarter than they are, and yet he has no way of ever surpassing them in a career. The women have it rough too, with all the old-school machista stuff. One thing about hispanic culture though, is that they will accept a woman as the boss or business owner or leader, if she proves herself to "have balls". Mexican culture usually wants women in a traditional role, but they will accept a non-traditional kind of woman, if she demonstrates an ability to lead and has a logical brain. Even some of their artists--look at Frida...highly independent and respected in her own right.

I think I could persuade gangs to find alternatives to fighting, and figure out a way to keep money coming into their pockets and keep their families safe, and still use the drug industry for good, and not for bad.

I think the Mexican President should consider, very seriously, a drastic and revolutionary idea of legalizing drugs. For a huge social experiment. There is some of this, done in Netherlands, but I would like to see Mexico take something that is destroying them and their families, and turn around and use it for good, and make it a legitimate business and not a shady one.

How would Mexico be "hurt" if it did this? There are a lot of people that would go to Mexico on vacation to use recreationally, and others would go to obtain pain relief they couldn't get in the U.S. As long as there isn't trafficking to countries where it's prohibited, Mexico would have a big business.

They could put very high tax on the drug industry. I don't think people would just become smashed and that it would become a country of addicts. People know enough about drugs now, to know they are damaging their health and brains, if used long, and even drug dealers know this and many abstain because they don't want to become addicted. They're just doing shipping and receiving to make a buck in an economy where it's very difficult to get a job.

I should have called the guy back for my internship, because I had a spot and they were going to write my bio, to be put online, but I never went back, because I got sick, then pregnant with very painful pregnancy, and then all of this other stuff. I really like the organization though--StoptheDrugWar.

At any rate, why hasn't any country just taken a big leap and tried this? Netherlands sort of does this but I think it's more about decriminalization than government sponsored drug trade. If the government makes it legal and controls it, it would bring legitimate jobs to a starving economy, and it would eliminate the gang fighting over turf and jurisdiction. If it's that easy to make and get, no one is going to put any effort into fighing for it. What would there be to fight for?

I think, if any country is to experiment with something different, it should be Mexico. Mexico government is just bold enough to do it and if they want to try, they won't back down under pressure from another country. If Mexico says we're legalizing this, and gets involved in the regulation and sales, they are making an independent decision for their country, to see if a new tactic or strategy will work. I think Mexico should try this, and then set an example for other countries.
It couldn't be any worse. It might even save money and become lucrative. The fighting is only getting worse. I would tell them to legalize this, and then hold to strict rules in the U.S. against drugs(except pot for medicinal reasons).

Mexico would profit in several ways:
1. New jobs for people, and legitimacy for their skills,
2. Mexico would become a tourist attraction. People visiting Europe go to the cafes in Netherlands, to smoke pot legally and opening. Mexico is on the other side of the world, and making all drugs legal, would create a huge market for tourism. Tons of Americans would flock to Mexico as their vacation spot of choice, to do drugs and be legal, and not only would the drug business prosper, but the fact more people would go to Mexico, means an increase in hotel and rental car use, and tourism. If there is concern about people ODing, they could sign a form first, showing they have insurance or will pick up the cost, and because it's legal, plenty of instructional material on how to try something out as safely as possible, could be passed out.
3. Mexico's gangs wouldn't fight and kill as much, and maybe not at all. Instead, they could get real jobs, and use their experience in their field of speciality.

The problem is, that if the highest levels officials are drug cartel bosses, it's going to be difficult to get the laws changed so it's state-regulated. Mafias will make more money when demand is high and people have no other way to get it.