Miss My Son

I have been trying to write about dabney but I worry about him so much I'm afraid to say anything further. If I knew he was fine and out there sober and just being an asshole, I'd feel better about just writing it all out. But I have realized I really cared about him more than I ever thought I did.

He is different, for sure. Some issues, yes. But he's also special, in many regards, and I can see this, and noticed it in the first 5 minutes of talking to him. So everything is hard.

I am maybe getting married now. And if I don't get a lawyer for filing an injunction on the case out here in federal court for violations of civil rights procedure, I plan to do it in WA with my husband.

At least it will be a 2 parent family, as the state so prefers, but all of this had nothing to do with what happened. The entire thing should be totally thrown out for multiple violations of laws and rules.

In the meantime, I am fighting like a mother tiger, to do what I think is best for getting my son back, seeing him when I know he needs me and wants to be with me more than anyone he's been with since he was taken.

I am still grieving over the miscarriage. I don't want other kids or babies, or to be pregnant again. I really just wanted the baby(ies) I thought were going to live. Even if I were not with the father, I knew everything about certain moments was unique and special and I felt these were going to be special kids.

Time heals some things but not everything.

I belted out "If I Were A Boy" a ton of times today. I like the song a LOT and I can actually sing it well.

I'm so glad I heard from the guitarist today too...he's legit and has worked with very good producers or is doing so now. Groups we've all heard about.

So I'm very excited but these are very sobering and sad times too.

I want so many things to be different.

My head is up and I am not falling apart, but I have cried my heart out, realizing some things, and it's been hard.