Today, My Duality, and Ideas for Mexico

I've had the computer to use all day but for once, too tired to use it. I'm too tired now, but forcing myself. I'm also depressed, because the U.S. does nothing to help me. In this entire "we're number one!" country of wealth and so-called religious here to "lend a hand" no one does ONE thing to correct flagrant refusal of organizations in Washington to respect my civil rights. I am depressed because of my son, and because of the abuse by CPS and the state and those who know there is nothing wrong with me and just want to prove their own points, to cover their lies (bad lying, by the way, not lying for a moral or ethical cause). So I may see someone about getting anti-depressants for depression and the fact I haven't been able to sleep since CPS and the state illegally took my son, not to mention the toll the lies of Wenatchee medical doctors have had on the outcome of my last babies, which could have lived if people had thought they could believe me instead of listening to slander. I may as well document my damages, emotionally. I should get payback for what they've done, and at this point, there is nothing wrong going in for medication because of damages and actual trauma incurred by the state and the refusal to even give me a copy of my case file.

That aside, I put forth my appeals to some embassies for help. I guess some will just laugh out loud, and I don't know if certain countries already hate me or not. But I don't dislike any of them. I put out appeals to countries that were even total enemies of eachother. That doesn't mean if I became a citizen, I would take up a bloodwar against those enemies, but I would feel I could be a help to unify them because I understand prejudice, and rightful prejudice born from injustice. Not all prejudice is derived from "ignorance". It is often learned, through circumstances. But I feel I could be supportive of a country's nationality and still be neutral in it's fights with others, although I could definitely agree with any country that claims they've been railroaded by the U.S. If the U.S. will let other citizens railroad me, it will railroad non-citizens. I had someone laugh at me, today, that I would try to appeal to any embassy to help me. But I am not one to give up and I will try whatever creative thing I can think of, even if I am ridiculed, to be able to say I've left no stone unturned.

I am capable of discerning "depression" and inability to sleep because of what has been done to me and my son, from my desire to leave the country. My failing "loyalty" to the U.S. has only come after years of trying very hard to get assistance, and it is not new or brought on by any "depression". And no, I'm not depressed in the way where people think about suicide. I'm reasonably depressed at the state of mankind, and I probably don't even need medication for it because it is justified, but I've decided it will be better to document what CPS and the state and government and certain people have done to me. Not to mention my own family, and since I will probably have to sue them if I end up suing, for the lies THEY'VE spread to CPS, I may as well document the attempts I made to my own family, which lied to me and made a verbal contractual agreement with me which they backed out on, for NO valid reason. They just break promises whenever they think they see a way "out" of having to "pay" for something. My family is comprised of some of the stingiest people I know. The only ones who are not greedy and stingy are maybe Holly who doesn't seem as interested in the family fortune, but who is so dumb, she spends all her money renovating a house owned by her husband's BOSS. If anyone got a good deal, that boss did. The Avila's have spent thousands of their own money, investing in a house that's not even known, which is so stupid it kills me to even think about it. Yeah, it's real pretty, and the garden is full of flowers my aunt paid for and planted, to be handed down to...who? the boss and his relatives. My aunt and my mother are such dim-bulbs, I struggle to understand how I'm even related.

So I talked to this older guy today, again. The one I talked to who had a book about the Odyssey. Today he told me it was so odd because, he said, "it's like you're two different people." He kept saying "It's like you're split in two." Schitzophrenic means "split" but that's not what he was saying. I said nothing and he went on: he said there were two sides of me, that my personal life was a real "mess" but then I was so articulate and intellectually a cut above the rest and educated in things most people aren't educated in. Like, I'm living with dumb & dumber but I'm a genius and social analyst on my other side. Like the Bairds would say..."Duuuuuuuhhhhhhhhh." So this is how you put 2 and 2 together here...I am full of potential but my social status or circumstances belie my brain.

Well, first of all, I am living proof it is NOT true that "anything is possible!" in the United States and that "if you work hard enough!" you can be "whatever you want to be!" The "American Dream" is something for conformists to aspire to; forget it if you're an activist. I've had people deliberately KEEP and HOLD me down when I just MIGHT be intended for greater things, and contrary to what the ideology is, it has nothing to do with ME. I have made good choices in my life, and honorable ones, and I can do nothing about the fact that others despise my casting of a flashlight in their direction. I am proof that money is what rules the U.S., not talent. Idiots with money, will always succeed above poor raw talent. Unless, they think they can promote you and get a share out of profits you might bring in. Still, if they don't like you personally, instead of promoting you for your own worth, they'll just steal your ideas and claim them for their own.

So that's it. Sum up my two halves and there you've got the whole.

This guy was trying to tell me all the state might want is to see some "stability" and that I was working and had a place to live and they'd give me my son. That's a bunch of BS. He was saying, maybe I'd have to go about getting my son back "the hard way" as if good honest hard work isn't something I've ever heard of before. CPS and the state are interested in proving I'm mentally ill and that I was at the time they took my son, which is why so many people still deliberately withhold evidence. It has nothing to do with my "stability" and I was stable before they took my son. I had physical damages from childbirth which I was in pain for and needed diagnostics for and I'm STILL told I need surgery, and I see how my damages played into severe pain because of my prolapse this last pregnancy. It wasn't just an ectopic pregnancy, I had very real pain from prolapse, and that's the fault of Wenatchee. I noticed it almost right away, after I got pregnant, how my body couldn't support any changes and was too lax.

If I had a lawyer, this would be over in a minute. So many illegal things were done in this dependency case, there is no reason why my son wouldn't be ordered to be returned to me immediately, and I told this guy, the fact I still need medical help for physical problems, and that I'm not working now, isn't grounds to keep my son from me. There is no reason why I couldn't have my son with me in a women's shelter, or some other place while getting diagnostics and surgeries and on my feet. The state cannot discriminate against a mother for not working because she's had medical problems, and withhold a child until she's working a 9-5 job. My son is my son, and if they illegally took him, they have no right to keep him. There are mothers who keep their children who are in HOMELESS shelters, and it isn't grounds for taking away a child. So this has nothing to do with my "working" except to mitigate damages for those medical professionals who want to claim they did never anything destructive to my body that interferes or has interfered with my ability to work.

I do NOT believe, that it is up to ME, to just "do some hard work" after what they've done. I have been abused, assaulted, and had my civil rights completely trashed and they think I'm going to say, "Oh yeah, I guess that's in the past and it's all my fault and up to me now." Fuck wrong. NO, guess who is responsible for this and who should be doing the fucking "hard work"? The people who got this mess started to begin with. I should be compensated for what I've been through, and so should my son, and the fact no one is lifting a finger to do anything, is grounds enough for me to say, "Okay, you obviously are not a "great" enough and "big" enough country, with enough courageous men and women who do the right thing at all costs, to handle this."

I feel like I'm unequally yoked. I've been married to a bunch of morally inept bastards.

This is why people have no one to look up to in America anymore. The Democrats look like, and play the same game, as the Republicans. There are not any real "stand outs" anywhere, and they all just fold their hands and say the system is broken and you can't beat it, so just play along.

Fuck that. Which is why I am far more excited by the idea of a grass roots real revolution that doesn't have anything to do with political parties, but grabs ahold of the people, and forces them to see nothing is going to change and the people in control will be controlling YOUR children and grandchildren if you don't do something about it now.

I can actually see it happening in Mexico before the U.S. I think the gangs and in-fighting could actually stop defeating themselves and join for the same cause of strengthening their own country and taking back all the ground that's been lost to the U.S. There is no reason why Mexico can't be greater and more prosperous than it is. Instead of people leaving in droves, Mexico has the ability, underneath it all, to get all of it back and more. Mexico, how can you give all this up to the U.S., after defeating the Spainiards? I want to say. There was recent legislation where a law was proposed to legalize and regulate marijuana. It's supposed to be dead on the floor, but Mexico should take the initiative and do something other countries are too afraid to do. It should legalize ALL drugs, and regulate all of it, and take the crime out of the trafficking. It would give people jobs they're already doing, and make it legal, and it would be economically beneficial to the whole country, rather than to a few groups who kill others and hoard the wealth. The Mexico President proposed putting petty drug users in treatment instead of jail, which is a good idea, but they should just turn something around and shock everyone and see if it works. They could be the ones with initiative rather than the U.S. Not only that, they could start using the freedom to improve their sciences and medical research fields and grow in that direction as well.

All of this passion wasted in frustration and fighting prejudice, should be totally turned around and they should take their land back, and their people back and be proud of their country and economy and start making changes without first asking permission from Big Brother U.S. Who is the main consumer anyway? Is it that the U.S. is afraid that if Mexico legalized, they'd start losing citizens and customers to Mexico. Not only that, think about the massive tourism boost, if U.S. users just went to Mexico to buy and use.

I'm too tired to write anymore right now. I am hurting and I'm tired. I'll write more later, if I get my hands on the computer when I have more energy.

Where's the fucking 700 billion for the people? Those automakers didn't have to "work for it" or have jobs created for them to first work at and then receive. Those banks had parties. It's not even QUESTIONED that this welfare giveaway money is just thrown at these corporations, and the rest of the people are told they might get a fucking "stimulus package".

You know what the stimulus package should have been? It should have been for the banks and automakers, in the form of a promise that once the people were PAID, their consumerism would stimulate big business. I'm going to post that again, for emphasis. This country is just turning into a talking head crock of shit. The PEOPLE should have been paid FIRST. Not last, and through some stimulus package they have to work through like rats in a maze. That money should have been a gift to people, to compensate for the crap pulled by big business and policies that have been screwing the American people for decades.