state of mind NOW

I'm on a big binge of 80s music. Love it. But I am wondering, why I'm feeling so nauseous whenever my painkillers wear off.

I've heard nausea can come from pain, is this it? I'm very rarely nauseous. So it's a little weird. I just took a pill, so hopefully it will help. I have to find someplace for follow-up care, don't know where yet. But must get in soon, to take care of everything.

I have writing to do but goofing off, researching heterochromia and some guy from Transylvania with a very long title who has it. He sounds like an interesting person, title or no title, but it made me think "in America?" I forget there are distinguished or ancestral lines in, or which moved to, America. Which feels really tacky to talk about "pedigrees" but, hey, you are who you are, and I've talked about my own geneaology. I like this song by The Smiths, "Cemetary Gates"--should be sad, but it's really uplifting in it's own "I'm talking to you" way. I like the lyrics. Is it strange? when I was younger, I liked cemetaries, or wasn't afraid of them at least. So full of life, even passed away.

When someone I cared about died though, in car wreck, it was different. I had a difficult time bringing myself to his grave, and I always did by myself. I didn't want others to see me and I left things behind for him, and notes, anonymously.

I wish I knew who did these things to me and my son. Why would they? couldn't they ever see anything in me to empathize with, or know that there would have been some part of me that cared about them? I don't understand violence. I comprehend intellectual wars and troubles and problems, and oh I'll fight with words, but I don't understand physical violence of any kind. I noticed someone Irish recently, taking note of me. I know my Irish. Believe me, this one had those Irish eyes. Which I think are beautiful. The sort of slanted, lidless eye. It was when the older gentleman was buying me some groceries, and this guy in a green sweatshirt that said "Oregon" on it was about. I didn't think anything bad about him. Don't know why I'm thinking now except wishing someone would admit to or tell on someone who would do such horrible things to me and my son.

I guess I'm thinking about these things bc I thought about my blood transfusion and then thought about Diana and what happened to her in the ambulance and if someone did anything like they did with me, or, I mean, if any equipment malfunctioned or anything so she couldn't get what she needed.

this is an interesting link: http://www.wethepeople.la/diana4.htm. It says the inquiry was over the cause of the crash, not an examination of the medical treatment, but I'm not sure if this written prior to the french inquiry or the british one. I'd like to know more about the exact details of her medical treatment. From reading this, it says she didn't receive any transfusion because ambulances aren't equipped with blood matches there. Of course, but here is the question--all witnesses practically say blood was coming from her ears and nose and mouth or something. I, as a stupid layperson non-doctor would think "internal bleeding" or at least serious head injury and I would have taken her by helicopter to the hospital. It may have been coincidence this one doctor "happened" upon the scene, but had he not been there, would the choice of transport still been ambulance? Something is so wrong with this whole picture but I don't have the accurate picture yet. It is far easier to conceal something or avoid notice, in a limited personnel ambulance than a hospital. Even if people had ill will or intentions at the hospital, it's unfeasonable to think ALL of them would go along or that no one would notice. A nurse or attendant or doctor somewhere would have noticed. A helicopter would have been too quick for excuses I think, and she could have been saved and less excuse. It is the whole choice of ambulance bit.

It seems so natural, but one can begin to think how it could have been perfectly staged.

In the middle of all this, I must admit, I wish I were not sleeping alone tonight and that I was with someone special. I don't fucking care when it comes to my son though--If someone will part with their money, so I can get my son back and prove so many things were wrong and illegal, I would set love for that. Sometimes maybe you don't have to be fully in love. I don't know. For me to stick around, it has to be love, but maybe one can get by with less, for a shorter period of time, for other reasons, if they are important enough.

It seems so odd to me, how many people fall in love at 16 or 18 and get married young, to stay married, or marry later or fall in love (and don't marry) later or go from one relationship to another to another...is it so easy for others to give their hearts away fully? and to be truly interested? I have always felt left out in this regard, and can't say I'm jealous because I don't wish for what others have...it just perplexes me that I am more particular. I don't know why I am. I don't try to be, and it would be better if I weren't...I feel absolute lust sometimes but I have no desire to "start" anything with anyone unless I am really in love next time, or unless it's for a goal, such as a marriage of convenience. I think it would have to be a short term marriage for money. I don't think the "sugar daddy" girlfriend thing works--it's too call girlish and no one is putting anything in writing or doing a contract or making a vow to be monogamous. It's riskier, I think, a little more superficial. At least with a marriage of convenience, you make a deal and stick to it for some period of time, it's not as slippery--I guess I cannot be a call girl, but I can be a wife. Of course I'd do it the regular way and wait to fall in love, but if a marriage for money presented, where I could help my son, I would do it, as long as I had SOME stomach for the person. I couldn't totally sell my soul. How strange. selling one's soul, with regard to the idea of marriage. soulmate and selling one's soul. Interesting. I never would have been able to think this way before and it's not that I value marriage or soulmates less, but that I am more open to finding a remedy in creative ways. Problem is, anyone with money who would have me even short term, would have to be set apart in some way. stronger than most, and with a sense of humor and ability to understand, a little bit, where I'm coming from. Someone who is smarter than me too, or if not, will tolerate me and allow me to use some portion of the money for my son in a fair exchange. I could actually turn out quite nice-looking with a little money...I could be a well-turned heel, ha! almost wrote "hell" instead of heel. I have a good heart. That's all I really have to offer. I am not the easiest person, and unfortunately, I'm not even as exciting as my writing makes me out to be. I am able to spirited on few occasions--when writing or in a jovial mood in social settings and then can be witty. One-on-one, I think I might be boring. I'm not bad, for whatever reason, in bed though, so that's good for a short term marriage. I don't do anything special and there are things I WON'T do either, so how does that make me anything than average? but I somehow know I'm different in that area, too, and at least my parents and family never had a puritan view of sex as dirty or something to cover up. It was celebrated and they all enjoy it (so we've all heard) so I'm natural and healthy in that regard. What to do about my loose lips though...this loose cannon of a mouth, I don't know anyone will cure this. I could try, but I might be unhappy. I sort of like the freedom I have to write whatever is on my mind, which is partly why I'm single and may be forever I guess.

But, for the right one, I would agree to a marriage of convenience and he could protect his assets anyway he wanted. I've had so many offers and I'm not greedy. I only accept when I'm really in need and only take what I can use. Which means, I have not taken advantage of over 10 business cards and numbers from taxi drivers and private chauffeurs who offered me free transportation anytime I like. I take the Metro or pay for the taxi AND tip too. I have had men lately offer me money or ask if I needed it, and I said no thank you until I really did need help with groceries and I cannot go to the state for aid ever again after what's happened.

I don't know how to explain how I could turn down free taxi rides but ask for legal help to get my son, but I feel it's different. I don't typically "NEED" free taxi rides. Legal help is something I need and desire greatly and I feel it's worthy to ask for help when I've had so many setbacks that have NOT been my fault.

I didn't need a computer before either, and got by, even though I had an offer for a free one, but I sent the one on loan to me, faithfully to Alaska when time was up, and then got by, but now I feel it's time to ask, so I have.

Does anyone know how I feel? or feel the same way? it would make sense that if I accepted all the free taxi rides I could save money with which to save for legal services, but something doesn't seem right, to me, to go about it that way. I don't know why. I have good business sense but I'm not out to take anyone for all they're worth or whatever they'll offer. I wish I knew how to explain.

And yet, I can say, while not taking free taxi rides, I will marry someone for their money if they agree and it's okay with them. Why this is different to me, I have no idea. I wish I knew. In some ways, I understand affairs, like that of Charles and Camilla. I sort of do, in an ironic way, but I also know how it feels to be on the other end. I guess I understand long term affairs, not flings in a marriage. I can see how affection could grow and if there are polygamous marriages, it's not much different from a mistress in a marriage. It's just the honesty-expectation thing that is so important. It's so cruel to an unsuspecting party who is lied to. But I can see how someone doesn't always want the spotlight a marriage would bring.

Actually, that's why I considered doing this sugar-daddy thing. Not to be a mistress but a discreet "fling"...because I don't need social attention to my marital status one way or the other. But now, given my nature, I think I could only do a marriage for money. I mean, instead of a sugar daddy whatever that's supposed to be. Oh wow. This is a beautiful song--"brothers in arms" by Dire Straits. Lyrically and musically, just gorgeous. Very timeless--I wouldn't be able to pinpoint it as being from any particular era. This one has actually made me cry.

I guess I'm winding down. I've had a glass of wine, loose lips showing. Which is fine with me as I've not had anything to drink for a very long time, many months, about 4 or a little less. This older guy, who is just like a grandfather old, that's how old, and married besides, the one with the odyssey book, bought some for me and it was a nice gesture. I think it's fine. This guy, all catholics should be pleased to know, is catholic. monk music and everything. but I haven't been holding it against him, though I'm cautious. I do my best. So far, a very interesting man who is learned and has tried to be generous to me even though I could see him stiffen at my talk of "magnetic pulse" and computer problems. lol. If he only knew. He knows about system failures but I think I've got one on him with this sort of experience. like this "whole of the moon" by waterboys too. i like these songs that make me believe someone has felt the way i feel, which is why I began reading novels at such a young age. Oh, and all of my english usage in my classes, which I was criticized as a young girl for, is because of my reading english classics at home, like jane eyre and british versions of fairytales. I couldn't believe some of my grade teachers were so dull they thought I was not spelling correctly, though I DO have a general problem with that too.

You know, since I'm saying whatever I like, I just thought about marriage of convenience and how it must feel to be positioned TO marry and make a "good" marriage for important social reasons. I guess I'm thinking of this bc I've thought of Charles and Camillia and then was thinking of the Enquirer headline I saw while shopping with the elderly gentleman, that "the marriage is off!" with kate and william. I thought that was old, old, news. I mean, didn't we all think this when he postponed for military? doesn't mean it's "off" but at least just postponed or delayed. But I picked it up, wondering if something dramatic had happened, but no, same regurgitation. It muu....you KNOW, I'll bet I know why papers are pumping out more of this stuff--I heard papers are struggling badly right now, from this guy, so maybe that's part of it.

So this older man was telling me Anne Tyler had come full circle with being catholic then writing porn then back to catholic stuff and he surmissed or wondered if he had been working out her catholic angst through the vampire stuff. Which had made me think about my poem I wrote about "what if" and writing about how I would have been a tart or something if I'd felt trapped too young. I used a lot of sexual suggestions, as to how I'd break free, but from that poem, that was one where I really realized, while writing it, towards the end at least, that the sexuality was actually for ONCE, a symbol of something else. So often it is something ELSE that is used to symbolize sexuality, as a mask, but in this poem, I was writing about sexual things as a symbol for something else. I don't know what. Maybe using sexual frustration and release or tension as the SYMBOL for actually just expressing one's voice, completely aside from sex. Just the free will or wanting of something more, or to represent rebellion at a mandated order or confinement.

Now there is this song "is this love" by whitesnake and i always wonder how much others personalize or internalize what they hear, in music and how much it influences their thoughts about people in their lives or if it's just in one ear and out the other. Does music speak to people in the sense that it calls them to action they wouldn't otherwise consider? How often does one hear a song and begin to "feel" or think they feel something for someone they've not considered before? or, upon hearing a song, are motivated to break up with someone. You know and hear of people falling in love to a song, or music, but does music cause it to happen and have a large role, or is it just an accessory to the falling which would occur regardless?

lol. Here we are--"deep thoughts" saturday night live style. i'm sort of going off, just thinking out loud. wondering. I have always wondered this about music and its effect on others. music must speak to everyone differently and on different levels right? but are there studies out there on how music influences thought and to what degree? to a decision-making degree? and how much do others personalize songs they hear? is it... i couldn't concentrate...this song, "wild, wild, life" by talking heads cracks me up and i pay attention too, but he growl, i tried to think what it was like and i keep seeing someone say "wwiiiiiild" while tearing off a huge piece of beef jerky. i keep seeing beef jerky and some guy gnawing on a piece while he's singing this song. then i hear songs like union of the snake by duran duran and wonder what he's talking about. it could fit different things, but what is the union of the snake? is it a play on union of the state? like the opposite of the state, is the snake, whatever that is? eye of the tiger, i always think of grade school music class. It was the first time my teachers noticed I had a good voice, when I would belt out "Eye of the Tiger". I always requested it, in the what? third grade? it was a crappy music class--with slides for the lyrics and just recorded music coming from a boombox and we'd sing along. Very underfunded public education. I probably looked hilarious--this angelic face with red hair all about, belting out "Eye of the Tiger". It was my favorite song then, and I never knew it was a Rocky theme song until a few years ago. Like I knew, then, what I was in store for. I guess it's a good thing I sang that song a lot and got the message under my belt and under my skin--in my psyche. Maybe God knew before I did, that I would need it.hmm. like "Up the junction" by squeeze. it's different. i like it. reading stuff about di and her medical treatment again.

this is weird, now i'm reading the french said the injuries were from impact and a surgical cut to aorta or heart and the british said all tears were from surgeons, so attributed cause of death differently. i am wondering. i'm also wondering, because they did two different autopsies, because they hadn't embalmed her upper half, i'm wondering if someone from england wasn't necessarily trying to cover up a pregnancy bc this was the initial motive to kill but bc it was simply an additional "embarrassment" they didn't want the public to discover at her death without her to voice what was going on. honestly, with all the killings and people found burnt to death in their cars, and break-ins and missing records and stolen film, I don't think, if i were doing any investigation of her case, that i would want to be living in either england or france, but who knows...probably a better idea, if uncovering things, to not blog about it. i mean, maybe publish after investigating what could be uncovered and that's it. maybe publish the book and then go into hiding like brenda wells. i wonder if i can find her.

at any rate, i've now decided, this will be the last time i ever post about diana's death and the inquest business. i am going to keep my reading and research to myself until i'm ready to publish my book(s). i just have a feeling i should shut my mouth. that guy who gave me the death threat where i was working, gave it to me in a european accent and i don't really know if it was regarding my own life or what i had started writing on my blog about questions about her death and poems in reference to it. ha! maybe i've been interested by the string of songs I just heard on lastfm, from ozzy osbournes "bark at the moon" to another scary one to new order's "mesh" which is similarly frightening.

well, how do i say farewell on this topic? i've got some new and good ideas and found new things, but i'm keeping it to myself from now on. there are two books i want to write about diana--one about the inquest and piecing together what really happened, and one about her mental state throughout her life, but, if it seems important to blend the two i will. i think i would like to keep them separate, but because i believe people used claims of "instability" against her, to her demise and to discredit legitimate fears about her safety and life, well, i guess i'll have to blend them together. wow. that's going to be a big book. because i would line up every single thing i find, with documentation and where my references are. i do think i could put something together that will have some new insights, and i feel i can be persuasive and articulate in laying out the facts when needed. if i won't solve her case, i know i will at the very least, put the spotlight on those who deserve it, who so push for her to be mentally ill despite the evidence, and even after her death. i am going to be able to skewer these people and the assumption she was an uneducated girl meddling in things too large from her. i am going to be able to prove she was both highly intelligent and feared for this as well as her popularity, and that her moral compass was feared as well, and claims of illness were used purposefully to derail her. and i'm taking all her fears seriously, as if it were me, and I were in the ER desperately trying to tell someone i have very severe pain even though it doesn't make sense and they can't find anything on sonogram. i will dedicate the book, i already know, to the public, to diana's sons and to my son. oh, and of course, diana, may she rest in peace.

i don't know why someone hasn't already come out with such a book or a fierce defense. look at how the literature is lacking. ummm...hmm...and i'll give the proceeds to some of her favorite charities as I believe she would want, and i would pay myself for my hard work and if I don't have my son back by then, to get him through a fierce fight as well. i am not interested in writing this one to make money, i just want to do it, and it would make me happy. i would feel, woman to woman, that i had done something good for someone i can truly relate to, and give her the proper credit she deserved, not for being a fashion plate or even healing hands, but a moral conscience and an activist and a brain besides.