James River Garrett

I decided to name him James after seeing his face. I was going to call him Allen River, but he didn't look like an Allen. He looked like a James, and he looked exactly like his father. It may sound strange to say you can see the same expression, but he had the same closed mouth smile and facial expression that his father had. His skin was white and translucent, and if there was any hair, it was very fair.

There was nothing deformed or deteriorated about him. He had little eyes, ears, nose, lips, mouth, and ears. Even the earlobes were formed. His tiny fingers and toes had nails. I was told not to touch, but I didn't obey orders. I touched his head, and I wanted to know if it was a boy or girl so I moved a little leg over. It was a boy, there was no mistake.

I wanted to name him after that, after I knew it was a boy. But Allen didn't fit any longer. I thought of Cade, but Cade River didn't flow, and then I realized, he was a James. He just looked like a James even though I'm not fond of the name. And I thought about the James Taylor song, "Sweet Baby James" and decided that was going to be "his song". I listened to it, many times while I was pregnant with him.

He was beautiful in every way. There was one small mark, which I believe was caused by the MRI, but I'm saving that information for another post, because there were many bad things that happened at that hospital, the one which did the MRI, and then which assumed my care when I went in, because of contractions from miscarriage.

But this post is for James, and I know even his father would have been proud of him. He had very long arms and legs and a beautiful head. I think he would have been tall. It sounds very odd, I know, to say you know what the face looks like, but this baby really did look like his Dad, not just facial features, but expression. He had a little hand tucked under his chin. I haven't seen the ultrasound photos yet, of when he was alive, so I don't know if he favored a particular hand or thumb. So it would have been James River Garrett if he'd wanted my name, or James River Dabney, if he'd taken the father's name or an apostrophe'd version.

Rest in Peace.

I guess, the other thing I realized, was that I really don't want to just have a baby to have one. I really wanted THIS child in particular. I realized I want to have more children, but there was something special about this one, I knew, and I always, in spite of other "deficiencies" or "issues", had seen something very special in the father. I figured, I have problems and the father has some issues, but this was going to be one hell of a kid.

As crazy as it sounds, I don't want to just be impregnated by just anyone. When I became pregnant, this time, at that moment I was falling for him in my own way, which I couldn't, and didn't want, to admit. I realized a lot of things about myself when I saw this baby. One of the things I learned was that Brian was right about me, what he said this one night. And as wrong as it may be, still, the only person I wanted to be with, even after all this, and not knowing what's up or down, and not being able to trust him, the only person I wanted to be with and have a child with, was the father of the baby I had that died. I didn't want just any children, I wanted one with him, for whatever reason and I don't know how to even explain it to myself because I was willing to push him away for the safety of the child, and because I didn't know what was going on. But I was afraid his family would try to take the baby, or something would happen, when really, I did think the father had a lot of special and unique qualities and I had hoped that someday we would be able to get to know each other better. He did a lot of things wrong, but did just as many things right too, and I didn't give him credit when he was trying very hard to be involved and to help me out, with jobs and different things. He was also mean and had some issues, and I don't even know how he knew certain things about me, but, regardless, I simply knew the kid was going to be a killer. No pun intended.

Below are the posts I made, with regard to the conception of this baby. I posted them before I had taken a urine test and knew it was positive, and then I posted another after the urine test. I wrote both the posts below, about knowing a baby had been conceived the moment of conception:

Re: Wondering if I am pregnant
hello. i wanted to share my experience, so far, and this is the place, i think! it's not too early to experience symptoms, but worry can also make you think you're pregnant when it may be PMS. the first time i was pregnant, i think i "knew" a few days before i missed my period. my breasts were heavier than usual and i'd had a dream about having a child. not that dreams are a symptom, haha.

this time, i am very early, but these are my symptoms: very frequent tension headaches (almost every day), extreme fatigue (coming home to take a nap for 3 hours and then just going to bed for the night), breast heaviness (though there is no noticeable enlargement yet), tingling in breasts and milk when pressed, and the most noticeable, besides the fatigue, was when i was having my favorite meal, fish, and i had been so hungry and i suddenly got queasy trying to eat it. i could take more than 2 bites. so food aversion was a big tip-off. also, i had pinkish mucus after the day i believed i conceived. it was pinkish and creamy and i've had that creamy pg vag. secretion stuff. i think the pink was implantation. i am already past my period and i have cramps like i'm going to have one but i'm not having it. i also noticed lower backache already like i can't hold my stomach in properly, and i was hotter than usual trying to sleep last night and my pulse seems to be quicker or heart working harder or something. a few days ago i woke up in the middle of the night famished, and made something to eat. i did this with my first pregnancy too--raiding the fridge at night.

what's weird about this one, is that right after intercourse, i felt i "knew" a baby had been or was about to be conceived. it is the strongest intuitive feeling i've had in awhile. it was like, "that's a baby, right there." because i only had sex twice in the last month, and with the same person, it's easy to pinpoint. i didn't think it was possible, because i'd just finished my period, but guess what!

oh, the other thing, is a lot of diarrhea which i don't remember from before. i'm also noticing, already, slight pubic bone pain like things are relaxing (i had separation of pubic bones in first pregnancy).

i am probably no more than 4 weeks along. the first day of my last period was in september, and i believe the conception date was oct. 2. well, it had to be. i had sex again a week ago, but i think it was too late in the cycle to be the one to trigger all these symptoms.

also, moodiness is already here but i hadn't noticed it until i realized i'm pregnant. i was crying more over little things, which isn't usual for me, and i flare up more easily too.

good luck. just take care of your body, whatever you do.

i am taking prenatals and just decided today, realizing this is "it", to quit smoking and drinking. i am a very, very, light smoker, but i've quit everything now. eating a lot more salad too.

i could be wrong, but i think this baby is a girl. it's too soon to know if there will be miscarriage or not, but i just have a feeling. but, last time, i thought it was a girl, and it turned out to be a boy!
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Old 10-19-2008, 08:17 PM #5
camillasinsun
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: washington d.c., u.s.a
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Re: Wondering if I am pregnant
i thought i would add, i took a pregnancy test today and it came up bright blue positive. i am definitely pregnant.
i can say, i knew the exact moment that led to conception. everything is sort of weird right now, but it was a really beautiful thing and i just knew something was going to be born of it. sort of a magical moment. hard to describe. this kid, boy or girl, is going to be one hell raiser, i'm afraid, between my and the father's genes. probably sort of cute too. it will be interesting. due date is in july and i was sort of thinking of the name diana in honor of princess di, if it's a girl, or i like paloma for peace, or anouk. i don't know. if it's a boy, maybe (the father's name came to mind actually but i don't know if i would choose that), or um, i don't know. stumped on boys names. i was excited at first, then today sad and worried and almost depressed. then i realized it's the horomones and mood swings. i'm excited, i just have a lot to get in line. i feel sort of alone right now and it's hard to find good support systems without family. i know this baby is for a reason, but i'm also worried about my body because i was high risk before and told i would be high risk even trying to carry if i got pregnant again because of prolapse problems. and, i can feel the uterus already hanging down lower. it's like there's no support. so i'm kind of wondering what the hell is going to happen. because of this, i am forced to get prenatal care asap, even though i wanted to keep this all a secret for another few months.