Chickened Out at ER--I Want More Children

I chickened out. I got there with my friend and my name was nowhere in the database from last time. I was there, believe me, I remember.

But then I was triaged and I guess I should have stayed, but I sort of panicked. I was fine until my roommate said what about the cost and then I said well, I'll fill out a form or do medicaid after, and then I thought about surgery, and D&C and just panicked, thinking, "What if they say I HAVE to have a D&C and there's only one OBGYN and what if they're not very good and I am permanently injured and then infertile for life?"

So my brain went straight to surgery and I forgot all about my plans to be induced, and thought if I'm having surgery maybe I should go all the way back to this clinic where I first established care for my pregnancy, in Virginia. It is WAY out of the way for me though.

I don't know what I'm doing. I feel okay, in general, just concerned about change of color and nervous. I could REEEAeeally use some Xanax right now. And no, marijuana doesn't help anxiety, not for me. I'm totally serious when I say I have no attraction to weed at all. I use hardly enough and only to prevent migraine. Even the one time I was high, or two times, I didn't like it so much.

I still have this flu/bronchitis thing with my other roommates (I got it first and then passed it to everyone else).

I think now, I should have stayed. I should have at least seen if we could try to induce, but I just got scared, thinking about D&C. I really, really, do want to have more children, I realized, tonight.

I want to have more of my own children. If it was just about MY body, who cares--cut me up. But I am scared of having problems later if I do a D&C. My body is already screwed up and I don't need one more problem.

It's the first time I've gone to ER and then just turned right back around.

I hope people can understand my logic and thinking. It was a little distorted by nervousness, but I was also trying to think about the best possible outcome. I just thought, if they find something wrong, and cut into me right there...I was just scared.

I've had many, many, bad experiences with medical people. I think the only good ones were my good knee surgery done by Dr. Greenleaf, and my good neck repair done at Salt Lake City University Hospital. Oh, and Tualatin-Meridian was good with my migraines--they knew I really had them and they treated me well. Outcomes otherwise, have been pretty much disastrous.

I may have to go back to this ER if I'm not still eligible for the clinic I was going to, and I really don't want Army Wife involved, AT ALL, in any surgery, but there are other doctors there that are supposed to be good.