Miscarriage of Justice & Miscarriage

I've gone for a short run a couple of times since I found out about missed miscarriage. At first I couldn't, but a couple days ago I ran 1 mile and today I just finished 1-2 miles. I think it was 2 miles. My body is feeling a little more stable, I think less pregnancy hormones.

I haven't cried for several days either. That day I wrote about getting through to acceptance, that was really IT! It took me one hard week and I haven't looked back. Now, if I tried to think about it, I could get sad, but I am more removed because I already processed everything.

What I would like to point out, is that different kinds of experiences affect people different ways. There isn't a right or wrong. I know for ME, personally, I can handle very bizarre traumas if they are of a certain category. Things like rape (unplanned), being held hostage, a friend's accidental death, miscarriage, family dysfuntion, etc.,all of these things are in the category of "accidental", or "random", or "unplanned". All of these things, could happen to me more than once, and it's no big deal. Things happen. There's a little trauma for me, but when I was held hostage? It took me one week to get back to normal. Same with this miscarriage. I can rationalize these things as being totally random or unplanned, and flaws of a flawed society and markers of human problems and issues, but it's all easy to get through. For ME.

What I do NOT get over is PLANNED and premeditated attempts to harm me, or lies that disparage my character when they KNOW I'm innocent, or cover-ups, and abuse and misuse of the system and failure to comply with rules made to protect society.

These things I hold onto, and I will NOT let go of these things, because it is no longer affecting just ME. It is not some random accident or angry bad act "in the moment" of human rage and issues. When it's premeditated and the party is KNOWING, ahead of time, this is where it crosses into the unforgiveable category. This is where justice is not served until or unless accountability is forthcoming. These kinds of traumas do not just affect me but everyone, because you know if they do this to YOU, they've done it to others and will do it again. Either that, or no one was bold enough to challenge them before and they always got off easy.

These things I have suffered from, but I hold onto, not because I am mentally ill, but because I know how important it is. I know it is these others who are ill, and that the system is sick, and letting go of something like that is giving up not just on oneself, but on society and the possibility for change.

Do you know why mafia's and mobs were originally formed?

My opinion, from what I hear, is that while back in the old day, there were some codes of conduct and standards (do not harm the innocent, or uninvolved; don't be stupid; show respect). But every mafia, almost, was initially formed because of the dire NEED of a group of people to protect themselves when the police and government were corrupt and did not protect their own people. So families had to gather together, and some families were forged from strangers, to protect the latinas from U.S. military abuse, or to protect the poor italian families from corruption and extortion.

The intention of mafias was to provide for families when it was difficult to get jobs that went anywhere, when positions in the mainstream were hard to come by, and it was to provide protection, a civil police and guard, for the women and children.

Then even the mafias became corrupted by, basically, the same things that can corrupt any organization--greed, self-interest, sadism.

But the initial purpose of mafias and gangs was to form families or groups for a good cause, because the regular systems let them down.

It's very peculiar that I find myself understanding this, and realizing there is a need NOW, for private mafias. I am interested in a mafia of violence and greed, but I am interested in a mafia of brain power and courage, that will come together to get into the system and turn it around for the betterment of the poor and oppressed, of any race, religion, and orientation. And like I've said, and just like you know, the ACLU is not enough. There needs to be private groups that are willing to fight for the rights of others, and fight hard, and are separate from government so they can TAKE ON the government and crime within the system, when necessary. And informants and witnesses need to know there will be adequate coverage and protection for their information, should they stand up for society as well. There is a reason many people are afraid to come forward--it's difficult to know who's who anymore.

Well, I think I'm about to have my own miscarriage, because I came home from this run and there is brown discharge like the start of a period. I can't tell things are different with the cervix, but I have some bloating or pressure in my stomach. I think it's going to happen pretty soon now and I'm glad I chose not to have the D&C. Once I accepted everything, it was like no big deal, even though I was walking around with this inside of me, it must be something like the way some people can carry a very sad or dark secret around, and just forget about it. Maybe if they think about it hard enough, they might feel sad or bad, but they put it out of their mind.

Maybe sometimes, that life that was inside of them, just dies and they just carry it with them, to the grave. Other times, maybe they think they are getting it all out by confessing to a priest, and then burying it in the backyard.

When there is a missed miscarriage of justice, something natural and beautiful in its simplicity, dies. The system still looks pregnant with life and from the outside, no one would know--No one except those who had a chance to see what was on the inside. If no one speaks up, everyone still thinks justice is alive and well. People are still planning showers, and thinking of names, and picture the future in color. But those who had a glimpse of what it's like on the inside, those people know. Everyone else points to signs of life, what appears to be alive from appearance. Even a tree with rot in the center can bring forth new shoots and buds. They ask for evidence that something is wrong, and won't take testimony for proof. They refuse to listen because they see what they want to see. A miscarriage of justice should be obvious immediately, they might think. No one thinks about missed miscarriage. And when it happens, finally, it's too late. How strange that even the body and the system, takes such a long time to figure it out. How it will hold onto something, just hoping...to be wrong. Hoping it might come back to life on its own.

Sometimes, nothing can be done. The only option is to deal with it head-on, and make sure that there is not a worse infection afterward. Make sure there isn't a hemmorhage. But you have to face the facts--something went wrong, and something died because of it. And you have to be willing to address this if you don't want it to happen again. And you think to yourself, what could I have done differently? What could they have done differently?

You can either talk about it, and bring it into the open, or hide it and bury it. You can cover your secret so no one ever knows. Or you could speak up because you know there is something that could be valuable in this lesson, that others might want to learn from.

I wonder how long people will be comfortable denying a missed miscarriage of justice, not just with this system, but even with my life and things that have happened. Will someone carry their own part in what has happened to the grave? Will they confess and bury it? Or will they choose to come forward, knowing by doing so, it could be the first step to clearing the path for a new life? How long will some people hold onto information that should be expelled, so people are not deceived?

People can die from misinformation and the concealment of crime. Innocent people. And innocent people are harmed as well.

Having this missed miscarriage has given me new insight into the phrase "a miscarriage of justice". I think, most often, what we are dealing with, is a "missed miscarriage of justice". Only a few people really know what happened, and the rest are deceived by appearances, to think everything is just fine.