Wednesday, December 10, 2008

more music today and wishes for dabney

Listening to "How To Save A Life" by The Fray (version 2).

One of my roommates left it behind after she was off the computer and I played it. Makes me feel like crying.

Now, after reading the wikipedia thing about the meaning of the lyrics, I wonder if I did the wrong thing to cut the father off when I did, from everything, and doctor's appointments. Despite not knowing what was going on, I care about him and don't want him to do anything to himself. I told him, this baby was something to live for, and he was going to rehab. So if that was all sincere, maybe he was on the right track. It was hard for me to know, but I am sorry if I did anything wrong. I did what I thought was best to protect myself, but I'm sorry if I did something wrong. As for blogging about him, well, maybe I shouldn't have, but he talks too, and talks about some things that are even more radical than what I speak about publicly, so I don't think he would care. He tells a lot of stories, involving others and himself, just like I do. He can be extremely funny, wry, protective, sensitive, a good handler, and he's incredibly smart and vulnerable at the same time. He can also be a total asshole, cruel, sloshy, desperate, manipulative, and, like I said, he somehow had an inside track on me, which was frightening. He was an embarrassment sometimes, and other times, I felt only he knew what good taste was (we both didn't like Titanic--good sign, I thought it was lacking something and the romance was superficial...I said I preferred the romance between Anne and Gilbert: 'It was special' I said). Even in bad taste. He was bizarre and he was able to keep my attention at the same time. But he also has a mean and cold streak and doesn't know what he wants, and is confused. He has a hard time facing up to his own feelings. He says he doesn't feel anything--that he's numb, but he runs from his feelings. He has them. He just doesn't know what to do with them. Which is a little bit like me.

Well, if he's still around and reading my blog (because I know he was reading it), I hope you can be the person you want to be, ultimately, and wish me the same. I couldn't trust you, because I didn't know what the truth was. But in some way, I'm still in...well, I don't know what it is. As crazy and against all reason as it is, I sometimes looked at him and thought he was my going to be my husband. Not in a wishing way, but it would hit me--that we were both so different and had tons of faults, but there was something special there. Also, when I first remember it hit me, it was more like: "Oh God no. That's impossible. You're kidding." and I would banish the thought. It wasn't like I fantasized. It was like: "There he is! Mr. America..." and I was shaking my head to get my sight straight. When he stood next to me by mirrors, I refused to look at our reflection, of the two of us standing side by side, because I didn't want to know how we "looked together". There were other times we just didn't click, but it was more to do with his scene and then my suspicions about Spiderwoman. But, of course, I could never marry a swinger (and Spiderwoman is the one who showed me his myspace page that said he was a swinger, and pointed it out to me, but she didn't tell me SHE was his partner). Nope. And I still don't know the truth about everything. So I stopped believing him when he said he thought, honestly, that he was my saving grace and he stood up for me. I didn't know what to think, because you don't know when the truth and lies stop and end. But I did care for him, and thought things could work out in the future if some stuff was fixed or cleared up, but I was very pissed off at the very end, about some things, and decided not to risk being in a dangerous situation. I didn't call him back when he called the night before I moved, on Dec. 1st. But I called him later from the ER when I found out the baby didn't have a heartbeat. And then I called him for closure, I think that same night.

I told him, if he wasn't another enemy, to keep me close. I just don't know what the truth was.

He's a scoundrel, a little out there, and really needs to cut his toenails, and I always wondered why none of his girlfriends, longer term, ever made him do this. If I had ever been officially with him and not on the sly, I would have taken ownership and cut them off in the middle of the night if he didn't do it himself. He said they were his secret weapon (he could have killed me!).

I actually contemplated whether I could put up with his "swinging" I had it so bad, but didn't want to admit it. If he was with me and just had an "accident" (oops, it fell out) every now and then. And it's soo, so, SO bizarre. I knew it was, but I guess you can't explain why you fall for someone you know is so wrong. and just a little bit right.

From wiki:
Lyrics Meaning

According to lead singer and songwriter Isaac Slade, the song was composed and influenced by his experience while working as a mentor at a camp for troubled teens:
“ One of the kids I was paired up with was a musician. Here I was, a protected suburbanite, and he was just 17 and had all these problems. And no one could write a manual on how to save him. ”

Slade claims that the song is about all of the people that tried to reach out to the boy but were unsuccessful. As Slade says in an interview, the boy's friends and family approached him by saying, "Quit [the problem behavior] or I won't talk to you again," but all he needed was some support. The verses of the song describe an attempt by an adult to confront a troubled teen. In the chorus, the singer laments that he himself was unable to save a friend because he did not know how.

While this was the original intent of the song, the band has opened the song to interpretation. They created a website where fans were welcome to submit music videos they had made for the song. This arose from the response that Slade got from the song:[2]
“ I got a lot of e-mails about it (...) One kid died in a car accident, and I guess it had been the last song he downloaded from his computer. They played it at his funeral, and some of his friends got Save a life tattooed on their arms. The response has been overwhelming.
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gosh, I listen to one sad song about suicide and I'm feeling bad and worried about dabney. My heart is too soft, underneath it all. And that leads to stupidity.

Listened to "green eyes" by Coldplay, "the scientist", and now "trouble". Wow. "Trouble" is a really good song. I don't think I've heard it before and I just picked it out from stuff offered. Definitely makes me think of Dabney, who said to me, "You're a fly caught in my web" the first day we met. We met at a cafe (where he told me I should go meet someone else, later), and then he took me to his workplace and bought me margaritas and offered me a job after I was talking to everyone and being social. This trouble song is all about spiderwebs. I really like the piano entrance. Is that Chris Martin on the piano? If so, he's really a sensitive player. There's technical skill, and then there's the ability to give an instrument emotions. Now listening to "In My Place". I guess this is my Coldplay stretch. I've heard this one and really like. Shit. How in the world did they manage to put together a band like this? I mean, how do these people find eachother? At first I'm trying to analyze why this band is so great, and I'm thinking it's their melodies. They are extremely strong on putting a melody in place. Then I think about that drummer, especially in "Fix You", and then I think about Martin's voice. His voice is good, but it's not everything, until you hear a certain phrase, like in "In My Place" where he sings "tired and underprepared, but I'll wait for it." and his voice gets the raspy edge at the end of this phrase. It's natural but one of those artsy quirks too, that only a good singer will come up with, sometimes without even consciously thinking about it.

I think I'm listening to Johnny Cash now. I noticed, after dabney heard me playing Cash one day, he started playing it now and then at the pub. I also noticed, there were flowers at work that matched my description of the bouquet I would make for my son, in a poem I wrote about picking out things to put in a bouquet and then how my son and I would dance to merchant's "wonder". the last week i was there, my favorite flowers were there, asiatic lilies, which I like for their fragrance. i bought them for the room when i was staying with dabney. I guess I noticed little things. Once i thought dabney had left the house, but he was still there, and i was in the bathtub singing "Sophisticated Lady" and "Somewhere, Beyond the Sea" and I was surprised to find he'd never left but was in the other room listening. i wasn't singing well, just lilting along absentmindedly to myself in the tub--"smoking, drinking, never thinking of tomorrow...nonchalant..."'

I would like to sing original stuff, and if I'm doing covers, well, sad to say, but cabaret. LOL. but I LIKE all the classics and standards. Jazz, standards, and smoky stuff. I'm just not a Bette Midler type, though I wish I were. I'm more of a Michelle Pfieffer type of lounge singer. Sans slinking around on the piano because I'd turn bright red and be embarrassed (unless I'd had a few to drink, and then I might even DANCE on top of the piano)

Listening to "I'll See You Soon". Wow. I haven't heard this one before. It's really interesting. I like how it's descriptive ("in a bulletproof vest, with the windows all closed...I'll be doin' my best and I'll see you soon/and in a telescope lens, and when all you want is friends, I'll see you soon") but at the same time vague (the rest of the lyrics are pretty vague).

Listening to "Sophisticated Lady". I personally think a lot of singers get the interp wrong on this one, at one particular part, where the verse is: "is that all you really want? no, sophisticated lady, I know, you miss the love you lost long ago." At the "no" part, it often sounds like someone is singing "no sophisticated lady I know" instead of answering the question asked before the answer: Q: is that all you really want? A. No, sophisticated lady, I know...

It's the only part that bothers me in some renditions. I'll have to hear a few versions and see if I can find one where the vocalist is singing it so it's understood. Okay, the first one I found, is done by someone I've never heard of and it's a clip at a winery or something like that, and she gets it right. Carol Sloane. I'll find some others who understand this bit and nail it. It's like some of the singers have beautiful voices but they don't really know what they're singing about. They're just sort of miming it.

I'm back. Going to look up more examples after I write about something.

Well, I was going to, and then I got stuck listening to Coldplay again. Crazy I am so slow to learn where all the good stuff is. Where have I been? ummm...court? and jail? lol. "standing in the welfare lines"...

Viva La Vida. I think the success is the strong melodies with good lyrics and emotive singing and playing. The thing about Martin is he feels and knows what he's singing about. Good job. Also, I really like the emotion from the drummer. I just read he only picked up drumming when the band began, but you can tell this guy's soul and heart are in his band. The other musicians I have a harder time noticing, but they're very smooth, so it's like they are the canvas. Without them you have nothing, but they sometimes make up this dreamy landscape background where you forget who's playing what

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