"I'm Dying" Letter (Jan. 20, 2008)

Here's my fucked up letter to my mother. I started laughing out loud. It's terrible, but reading it is incredibly hilarious because I sound NUTS. I didn't know why I had all the pain so I was blaming Freed and someone else of giving me false meds or something. I couldn't think of another reason for my levels of pain and all this bizarre stuff. Andy Panda thought the computer problems were from a magnetic pulse and said this would cause health problems, but when I started having seizures, I assumed it was faulty meds and everything. I was in so much pain I really did think I was dying, and when I got to Canada, it is true, that when they gave me that IV of stuff, my stomach was on fire and they said that wasn't a normal reaction. And then tissue passed out from my body. There was serious shit going on, but I thought it was a conspiracy on my meds or something. There really was a conspiracy people, but I just got it wrong and named the wrong things, which then didn't add up and made me sound like a basketcase. So then my mother thinks I need drug rehab. I wasn't addicted at all. I would admit if I was. I wasn't. And after I was away from the magnetic pulse crap and stopped having seizures, eventually even my injuries healed enough so that I didn't need narcotics. It didn't get bad again until pregnancy, but that wasn't weird pain. It was prolapse pain and stuff. I wasn't having the "hits" or any unexplained strangely severe pain at all. But my mother had it wrong. I didn't and still do not need "drug rehab":

Re: I am Dying, Killing Me, Torture‏
From: dicksiedael@aol.com
Sent: Sun 1/20/08 8:14 AM
To: cameocares@live.com
Cameo,

As to Dr. Freed filing an injunction...what else did you expect? You kept writing terrible, horrid letters to him...almost ANYbody would do the same. NO ONE should have to put up with that. You treat people awfull, you say horrid things to even family, even us. I've read your letters to Dr. Freed, I'm surprised he didn't do it sooner. You accuse, demand, threaten and do it hysterically and with language that nobody should have to be subject to. You say you are 'the same as you used to be', but you flat out are not. I'm not saying you never had problems with us or maybe with some others, but you were NOT 'the same'. I really believe you do not 'see' it, but you treat people in a way that makes them only want to have nothing more to do with you. I don't say that to 'put you down', but say it in hopes that some little truth there will sink in and you will at least quit blaming others and take some responsibility for your actions. So, as to the doctor filing an injunction against you, it only proves that he, like most of us, is human and not planning to stand by and continue to take your abuse. If you want people to help you, treat them as you would want to be treated; quit thinking only of yourself even if you feel your problems are huge.

As to the medical issues....if you say you are in all this pain, then I believe you. However, I do NOT believe the drugs are anything other than what they say they are. I went over that in last email. Pharmacists would NOT knowingly give you one med and label it something else. So quit trying to say you're on something else and deal with what you ARE on. Now, are you on percoset? Are you on Oxycodone?
or is it Oxycodine? Just what are you taking and at what doseages? If it IS the medicine making you sick, you CAN have reactions to it...even IF YOU HAD NONE AND ONLY HAD HELP FROM IT IN PAST. Based on what the labels SAY...not what you think, but what the labels say, what are you on? Have doseages changed from the past? Either changed due to doc changing it or due to you taking more or less? I just had another thought....I was going to suggest you start GRADUALLIY going off of the stuff, but maybe you DO need professional help to be monitored and get off. I DO know they say it's hard or even unadviseable to go off that stuff 'cold turkey'. There ARE things to help with getting off of it. I do think you're having bad reactions, but it is to the NARCOTICS...not some unknown drug that doctors or pharmacists have conspired to put you on without your knowledge. You have even been CERTAIN that us or grandpa or Loren has been in on it. I can tell you, if you never believe anything else we say , that NOBODY in your family has EVER been in on anything like that. AND you can't see it, but I'm sure the stuff your'e on is WHAT IT SAYS. So, you need to get off of it. Just 'cause it helped in the past, it's NOT helping now and you need to get off. Talk to social services and see about getting checked into a treatment center. I'm not talking Psych ward or mental hospital, I'm talking drug rehab, drug TREATMENT center. I believe there are SOME out there that will allow you to even have Oliver with you. I have a friend who might know about that; she is a gal who has had some OREGON experience with that sort of thing and just retired and is a christian from our church. We go to the home of her and her husband most sunday evenings for Life Group. She could maybe help in finding a place if you were willing. If not, maybe Holly would watch Oliver for a short while and take him to visit you since she's not at the warehouse now. Best, though, would be if you could find one that allows you to have him. Maybe even an "Outpatient" type of place; I think those exist, too; though initially you might need more supervision so they could monitor some of the drugs that help you to "get off" of the narcotics. If you really think you are dying and are really serious about wanting help, we will try to help find something and I honestly think that would be good since you'd have people that know about this stuff and reactions to it all. Again, this is NOT THE SAME as mental or psychiactric that you keep referring to...not at all. In fact, Judy Roark went to a drug program in Salem a few years back.

For your house; at very least, try to put junk in piles or boxes and vacum and mop floors and countertops. "Messy" is not as bad as filth like dirt, food, sticky, crumbs and that sort thing. Clothes or toys in piles is not a big issue, especially if in boxes or containers, but floors and countertops and table tops need to be clean. Also bed sheets clean, and clean toilet, tub, sinks. Dishes in sink not too bad but don't want them all over and hopefully not obviously been there days and days. I know you don't feel good at all, but you need to get the filth taken care of even if some clutter remains.

The last thing I'd recommend is going for prayer. Go to the Healing Rooms; if you are really bad today, go to church...a church like Assembly of God or Four Square, some church that BELIEVES IN THE POWER OF GOD TO HEAL, and ask for prayer. You don't have to be a regular attendee, but you can still go and ask the pastor or someone if they will have their elders pray with/for you. If you don't want to do something today, I think the "Healing Rooms" is open on Tuesdays. MAYBE they'd meet with you another day, not sure; you'd have to call and ask or have Granny or me call and ask.

Will be praying for you here. Love, Mom


-----Original Message-----
From: cam huegenot
To: dicksiedael@aol.com
Sent: Sun, 20 Jan 2008 4:36 am
Subject: I am Dying, Killing Me, Torture

Mom and Dad,

You have to help me now. I'm dying and I'm extremely sick. I am not going to be able to hold up much longer.

I found out I am NOT on narcotics at all. I'm on some major drug that I was on months before which made me so ill and caused so much pain. The more I take of this stuff, the sicker I get. It's not narcotics. When I tried to get off it, I almost blacked out each time. I've been on it too long and need assistance. These are psychological drugs, not narcotics.

Dr. Freed has been controlling this and I just found out it's a total conflict of interest--HE and his clinic recently filed a legal action agaisnt me to ban me from THEIR clinic, right after the hospital here. He was working with the hospital from the start, and it WAS Dr. Freed who called CPS last month. Let Dad know. So now I'm on a really, really bad medicaton and he won't say what it is. I've been to ER multiple times and they refuse to take me off of it. They and Dr. Freed are in this together. I need to get OUT of this town to a different, non-politically connected doctor who will get this out of my system.

I am in so much pain and discomfort I cannot even explain. If you try to send me to a mental ward, they will do worse. the drugs kill people. If you look up sources about the effects on the body, you will see what I mean. Look up advocates for mentally ill and against the drugs...it's because they're horrible.

I'm in so much pain right now.

Dr. Freed KNOWS how painful this is and that's it's improper and stops me from even answering his legal ocmplaint. His lawyers are in on this. He wants to be RIGHT, no matter how much this harms me.

I need some help right now. I have been crying and writhing in pain and I cannot even sit up straight anymore. I have been walking hunched over because my back hurts so bad and my legs.

I really do want to die now. I want to die. I cannot live like this, and have a horrible doctor with political motivations, controlling this. Please help me. If you don't help me, and get me to someone else who will take me off this stuff safely, I am afraid I will do something drastic. I am never a risk to Oliver, or to myself, but I cannot live this way. This is the most cruel form of torture and it is punishment for speaking up about Dr. Freed to people long ago.

Please help me. I go to the ER and they refuse to help, and send me out with worse pain. I need to get to someone who isn't connected politically. If you separate me and Oliver and listen to someone to try to put me in a mental ward, it will ruin both of us for life. I just need to be off of THIS crap.

I cannot live like this. I will find someone else to manage my migraines and other things, but not THESE people.

You owe this to me, as my parents, to not allow this torture and suffering. I canNOT go cold turkey off this stuff and this stuff is NOT narcotics, even though they're telling me and others that it is. It is getting worse and is far worse than it ever was in the months before. There is no way I can "clean house" for CPS on this, and I'm going to lose Oliver because of it, which is what they want.