Goodbye (Jan. 6, 2008)

I wasn't paranoid. I was trying to figure things out and I made some wrong "guesses". Even after I discovered seizures, I couldn't figure out why I was so physically ill and why the narcotics wouldn't work for my pain. I figured, since my own family was starting to say I was nuts, maybe I was getting wrong meds, or maybe they were working together with the state out of concern. I wasn't drug seeking, I wasn't paranoid, I wasn't delusional, and I was in extreme and serious pain and not only me, but my son and the fucking cat showed problems. And every single one of the problems can be explained by a magnetic pulse. Everything fits. Even the seizures, and loss of migraine. But no one in Wenatchee would do diagnostics. My family didn't believe me and wasn't there for me most of the time anyway. So I left, legally, with my son:

Goodbye From Cameo and Oliver‏
From: cam huegenot (cameocares@live.com)
Sent: Sun 1/06/08 4:03 PM
To: dicksiedael@aol.com
Mom and Dad,

I no longer trust either one of you. I have wondered for some time what was going on--why Dad called me months ago to specifically ask if I would go on a medication or try it, to help migraine or mental illness, if I like the sounds of it or if it was for mental illness. I said no I wouldn't. Dad seemed very interested in this. He wanted a yes or no as to whether I would go on a medication if I knew it was something I didn't want to take.

Dad has repeatedly said, "I want my daughter back" and a bunch of crap like that, TO ME, as if I am different now from how I used to be. You guys seem to think we had no problems when we lived together, when I was in high school and we did constantly. You even threatened foster homes. You constatnly told me you didn't know hjow I had any friends bc of the way I "talked" to you or "treated" you. I know I had my own problems with you especially in your controlling ways. Only because OTHER people said wonderful things, because THEY treated me well so I ALSO treated me well, did you start to think I was a decent person, after I moved out of the house.

And yet, when people in society have become prejudiced towards me and treated me like CRAP, when I have acted like my natural and normal self and responded to them the same way I used to respond to you, you think this is all "new" and out of theordinary.

I have tried to explain what happened with the monks and how I've been blackballed and harassed ever since and how they've used people to stir up trouble and get others to think the worst about me and treat me badly. You don't believe me. I tell you Ihave severe pain and you constantly doubt me and choose not to believe me.

You don't like the fact that instead of keeping to myself about my opinions, I started writing in a blog. That was something you wanted to control. Heavens, should the neighbors know, and what would people think? Then you even told me to change my name.

You have never believed me, never listened to me, and even Dad has said things like "well you got a pretty bit hit on the head you know" to try to say I am different and mentally changed because of a "hit to the head" from the accident. When he saw I wouldn't agree with his theories, and wouldn't take medication he wanted me to take, he decided he would take matters into his own hands.

You BOTh have known that the doctors have been experimenting with medications on me, agaisnt my will and without my consent. My cars have broken down when I've received new prescritions and my family just left me out here to rot. They didn't care I couldn't go anywhere. Mechanical problems that take one week for AMATEURS to fix took a month, just so people could decide if this med was the one for me. No one wanted me driving while I was trying new stuff and didn't even know it.

I've had people coming INTO my house when I'm not here, and someone has to let them in and out bc the door is always locked. I have had 2 different drivers licenses disappear about the time people didn't want me to drive. Then you tell me you'll fix my car one last time, and PURPOSEFULLY make all kinds of excuses to delay. I told you it was urgent I got to a new doctor bc I was going to be out of my prescription. I couldn't believe you just left me here and didn't care. But then I realized, no, you both knew and have known all along what's going on and have lied to me. You knew I was no on narcotics and you stalled in fixing my car until something leveled out or kicked in. I have been under house arrest while I've been treated like a guinea pig and subjected to all kinds of treatments I haven't consented to, which have only been harmful to my health and prevented me from enjoying my life, my son, and even clearning my house. I have also had a bottle of Neurontin disappear from the house after I got my "narcotics" again. No one wants Neurontin. Someone came in and took it so I wouldn't try it again while I was taking the "narctoics" and double dose. During this time, my pain levels have been severe and extreme and then MOM gets on the phone last time and wanted me to explain my pain, and wanted to know specifically what Kind of pain I was having NOW. I've told her in the past what my pain was. But she said she wanted to know now. Why? because she was getting the feedback to give to the doctors to see if it's caused by the medications or caused by actual pain, new or old.

I wondered why my need for narcotics was still discounted and MOm was telling me I could go back to work or on disabilty or that I didn't need narcotics. She was saying all that crap bc SHE KNOWS hwat I'm on and yOU guys have agreed and cooperated with it.

I also wondered why both the DOCTORS and MOM, who have ALWAYS been telling me to try over the counter stuff and to take Tylenol or advil or aspirin, suddenly told me NOT to take any and that if I was ever taking it before to NOT take it now. Mom went from encouraging me to try 2 tylenol and advil together to telling me not to take even 500 mg of tylenol and saying there's "new" research about it. I got this Bullshit warning from the doctors and mom, when it's not true, and they suddenly changed their minds about my taking OTC, because the truth is that it's dangerous, potentially, to add it in combination with the medication they had me on, or I'm on now, and puts too much stress on the kidneys. I am most likely back on Neurotin, from the symptoms I've had. I've not had pain relief like I had in the long ago past with real Percocet and you guys have gone to such extremes and there are such politics involved now,l that you have freaking LaW ENFORCEMENT that is interested, probably the FBI too, and someone cooperating to manufacture "Percocet" that looks like the real thing and yet is something else, just like what they were doing with the so-called oxycodone. You figured this is all in my head and that if it lokos like what I was taking long ago, I'd believe it was working.

But it has never worked. And I have had worse problems and felt like I was dying more than once in the last few months. And you left me out here stranded, as some kind of outpatient "less restrictive" setting to test the treatment. You didn't want me to have a computer in the meantime OR be able to drive. I've been monitored and treated like a child by parents who are mainly interested in THEMSELVES. I told you I am HAPPY WITH myself and that it's been others causing problems. You hope there's some "happy pill" or pill that will cure my migraines so you never have to support me. It's all about your finances and your comfort of mind. You don't LIKE me blogging. I have a right to free speech but you don't like it.

Most likely, someone also tried to convince you I really was negligent and speeding almost 100 mph bc you believe them and not me and both you guys and grandpa have brought this up. You also know i'm suspended and figure that you'll stall on getting my car fixed until the medication is stable, and then let me drive maybe, and maybe you would have even paid my tickets, if you had thought the "medication" was working and I was a "new woman". but in the meantime, you warn me you're not helping me again if I get pulled over, and YOU MENTIONED, for being suspended, and towed. You probably figure that if I try to go anywhere, as I've said I would, with Olvier, the police know to find another excuse to pull me over and then tow me. They would try to make it look natural. Liek all the times I was pulled over for things I DID NOT DO and then all they wanted was my proof of insurance bc they knew I didn't have it and they wanted to ticket me for it and rack up the tickets so I couldn't pay and then couldn't drive and then couldn't defend myself on legal thigns or go out of the area for a doctor.

You are motivated to allow people to treat me without my consent, and so are the doctors I could sue for malpractice and the catholic church haters, and the FBI who have been causing problems ever since. I asked you to come over to talk to you about things and you already had me on medication treatments, most likely, bc that was wehn no one cared about fixing my car with the timing belt problem on time, right after my new prescription that caused a lot of suffering. You just figured I was nuts and treated me with disbelief and disrespect.

I had CPS come over and I believe it was a ploy, to ask me to have a mental evaluation, and I just found out that while I haven't agreed to anything until I talk to a lawyer, that if I had said NO, they could have tried to get you or doctors to force me for INPATIENT evaluation. If this less restrictive crap doesn't work and I don't "take" my "medicine", then you'll pull out Plan B. You would know about it, and could even ask the doctor to be responsible to avoid having me find out you were in on it.

But I don't believe anything you say anymore. I asked you guys if you were in on something and you said no. You lied to me. I asked you straight out. You maybe thought if I got enough of the right medicine I would be so drugged or "new woman" that I wouldn't care and would thank you for "helping" me and just didn't want me to know. But the fact that you have just left me and Oliver out here, all this time, for over 2 weeks, believing I had no ability to go anywhere and with ME telling you I had to go to a new doctor and get a prescriptino for my pan proves one of two things: either 1, you know what the doctors here and doing and are in on all of it and have purposefully stalled on fixing my cars to try out this medication crap, or 2., you simply don't care at all about my health or suffering and pain.

Either way, I know I cannot trust or have respect in anyone who would treat me that way. You told me after stalling forever,you would fix my car and then you wouldn't, whjy? was the medication not "working" well enough for you? was I still as snappy as ever and yo9u didn't like it so you want them to jack up the meds or commit me? You also tried to bribe me to get healed and take Oliver by saying Dad said he would pay for Oliver's evaluation and treatment UNTIL I did. So when I say I will GO and TAKE Oliver and will you then pay if he is not "healed" you basically said no. Then you go BACK on fixing my car and say you're changing your mind and talking to Dad.

I have made some discoveries lately that sadden me and are quite shocking, about involvement of certain persons in this.

So what was the deal? First you wanted me to get prayed for at the Healing room, and if it didn't work? what? Let me guess.

How it would have worked is that Oliver would have never received evaluation or treatment. You would have tried to find a way to commit me or force me into treatment. If this other way doesn't work, you're already looking at Plan B and before committing me, you would have me prayed for.

Otherwise, you are just leaving me and Oliver out here to rot, believing I have all the pain I've told you about already and that I"m out of narctoics/medications and need a doctor and you just leave me here

Oliver has had no social life. What kind of a life has this been for him? He is no longer in his preschool that he loved, or swimming lessons. I couldn't get him out to do things. I even had Granny asking me if maybe I would consider putting him in a "foster home" while things were "worked out" with my medications and pain. Which makes me wonder exactly how many people know what's going on.

This is really sick. It is really, really, sick in the head.

All for self interest, with disregard to my rights and welfare. YOU want me to be a certain way, and OTHERs do, and no one wants me to write.

I have suffered because of it.

All I know, is that because you've just left me uot here once again and not even called or emailed, and when Dad asks me "how long will you not have email?" like he thinks someone did something to keep me from having it and he wants to know how long until I get it back,

all I can say is that I'm done.

I don't trust you.

I DO NOT TRUST YOU at all. I know you have even lied to me about lying to me. Which is really sad.

I have proof you don't care about me and love me and I think mom just wants me to send her the email she sent me to see if I have somethgn I could use to prove she's not interested in my welfare or best interests.

I wouldn't want either one of you to be my "guardian" and I don't believe either one of you could sufficiently protect my interests and look out for anyone besides yourselves. Yuo would turn me over to a mental hospital. And you would do it for your own interests.

Because I have realized this, I am putting together emails and letters which show what your past "interests" have been, in case you attempt to use your position as parents to have me committed for any kind of inpatient treatment. And, it is sad, but I would and will sue you outright if I ever get proof you have been involved in this less restrictive outpatient treatment crap. I will sue you both and prove you had your own interests in mind and not mine or those of my son. I believe I wanred you about this already and so I know you would continue to lie about not being involved just to protect yourselves. I know you too well.

Because I feel you have become a liability and have ceased to show love and interest in me or Oliver, and are only motivated by personal reputation and money and political pressures, I disown you.

I don't trust you and want no one to think I would allow you to make decisions on my behalf should I ever be unable to make them myself. This is not going to go any further than it has already. You can punish me and Oliver howefer you like for this, and it is sad to think you would, but I'm sure you will.

I will never take another medication prescribed by a doctor that comes in a bottle from a pharmacy again. I have saved pills from other things and will one day have them tested. This means I will have unbearable pain and suffering and extreme symptoms of withdrawal from wahtever crap I've been on, but I've alraedy been suffering from that. I have felt I am dying in these last few months. I have been so ill I could barely raise my hand. I have slept all morning while Oliver watched shows because I have been in such pain and so sick and fatigued. I've had problems I never had before. All because someone decided to play Russian Roulette with my health.

But you must be thrilled to know I haven't had a migraine for 2 months. Maybe that's why you think I can go back to wrok and don't need narcotics. And I haven't written in my blog either.

I also haven't had any joy or happiness and have had my quality of life go down 100 percent, have had my levels of pain go UP 200%, and have lost all faith and trust in the medical community, justice system, and family.

I want nothing to do with you and all you've done is hurt me and disappoint me. It is better to have you totally out of my life than harming me as you have, and leaving me neglected and abused, and taking away my God given WILL and right to choice. You have become dangerous to me and my son.

Was it worth it?

Goodbye.

Cameo