music today and suing my family and the state

I'm working on some complaints today and this will be my only other continuing post: one about music as I'm writing.

I've heard "true colors", and I've heard "my favorite mistake" and now "Hallelujah" as performed by Sheryl Crow.

I have a country that I've been thinking about as a new home. We'll see if it continues to grow in my heart. There are several I like, and I love all international communities and can relate to their cultures better than my own often. One keeps coming to mind, but I'll keep it to myself. I have thought about princess diana too and all the paranoia claims leveled against her before and after she died. It's sort of one thing to say she may have been paranoid before getting evidence she was under investigation and her intuitions and info were right, but i find it very, very, suspicious so many people were still determined and doing their darndest to paint her this way, even after the evidence. it stinks. it still stinks. even if i never solve anything regarding what happened to her, i know i could write a book that would dispel all of these false accusations and start pointing a finger at her accusers. I also have the ability to trust her, and know what is possible, because, as the Queen was quoted as saying, there are things we do not know about. very odd, dirty things happen all the time. people trying to screw with people. doctors willing to lie about labs and conceal the truth. read the article in nyt today, about "deep throat". there were spies breaking in for nixon, spies within the fbi trying to bust them, and then deep throat was later doing the exact same thing, ordering illegal break-ins. i mean, these are just the things that come to light, and most stuff that happens in the world, of this nature, never sees the light of day. but there are a lot of people who cannot believe it happens that often.

I forgot, I started out the morning early, finishing up the post right before my letter to informants, with Bob Dylan's "Blowing In The Wind". I sort of think it will be a Bob Dylan day with a little Sheryl Crow.

I may go on state aid here in Maryland until I miscarry. I refused to go on it when my baby was alive, because after what Washington state did, I wasn't giving any state an oar into my life. I had care established on my own, through a clinic that didn't force you to go on state insurance. So I had coverage, but was going to look for something else because of stupid comments by Army Wife. But now, I'm still technically pregnant. Even though the baby has died, I haven't miscarried and still have most symptoms of pregnancy, and since I can't work in this condition, I'm probably going to try to get some income from the state for maybe a month until I miscarry. I mean, how am I supposed to work, knowing I could, at any time, start contractions and go into a bloody miscarriage? It's not like normal labor and is painful though, and I will have to be able to save everything for analysis and I know I'll be a wreck when it happens. I'm at peace now, and carrying doesn't bother me. I'm not crying, but I could probably use a Xanax refill. I only have 2 left. They should have lasted me only 3 days but I stretched them out for 2 weeks, taking them only if I am anxious or can't sleep because of it.

So, I really did go through every stage. I'm fully at acceptance and it doesn't even bother me to talk about it. I have total peace. HOWEVER, when I miscarry, it's going to be traumatic for me. And I want to see the baby, no matter what condition it's in, so I'm determined. I need to be around supportive people at this time, and I have more support here, than on a bus, or plane, or in Washington state. It would jeopardize my health to try to get my on a big bus trip to Wenatchee or whatever, in this condition and I'm not comfortable traveling far even now, or going to work.

So, I'm going to find out about state aid for short term until this happens.

If my family, in any way, tries to fight me, and argue my son should be adopted by the Avilas because of a "bond" that was forced by the Avilas and the state, I will sue them, my family AND the state, until they cannot see straight and lose everything.

I am the mother and my son was wrongfully taken. I was discriminated against and no services were offered and no diagnostics done, which could have prevented my son's removal first.

I will sue the Avilas, and my own parents, proving they backed out on a contractual agreement, which I have written evidence of, and I will show the state purposefully made a concerted attempt to have me slandered and kept from getting objective diagnostics and cut off my phone visitation in order to further their agenda. Believe me, all hell will break loose, in a way my family has never seen before, and the state of Washington has never seen before, if my son is not fully returned to me, into my full custody after all of this.

I will not rest, and will not move on, or do anything, except with the singular aim to take these people to federal court and make them pay, if this happens. Not only that, I will bring in other family matters, such as the slander by Loren and the refusal of police in Wenatchee to charge him with assault but their readiness to go after me and throw me in jail. I will not stop, ever, and at that point, if this happens, I will be certain to involve anyone and everyone from outside of this country and from their embassies, who may wish to support me. There will be several parties who will have to pay for their own defenses for once, and hire lawyers. My family could have made good on their promise to pay for a private attorney to support me, and probably, what will end up happening, is they will be paying for a lawyer to represent themselves AGAINST me. The state will claim only the Avilas should adopt because my son bonded to them (through their own efforts to force me to either return for a false diagnostic on psych and medical evals or not see my own son), and the Avilas will pretend to be so sad to go along with it. I will then sue the living shit out of all of them, if this happens, when I can prove discrimination against me for medical disabilities which are physical and which I couldn't get truthful and honest evaluation of in the entire state of Washington. I am getting the medical records from the hospital that did the MRI and has record of the death of my unborn child, because I have to make a motion to allow for telephonic hearings because of my condition and for the reinstatement of telephone visitation with my son.

Finally, I may be getting assistance, through a friend, from the Mormon church, at least, for diagnostics and scans for seizure evaluation and brain scans. I've discussed it already and am setting up my appointment and hoping for the best.

I am praying to God that not only do informants come forward, but that my help finally comes through for me, from a variety of sources.

Listened to k.d. lang's version of "Hallelujah". It's very good. Now Jeff Buckley's version. My favorite. It's just the best interpretation out there, and his voice is gorgeous.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AratTMGrHaQ&NR=1

I'm getting medical records on Monday and I'm making my appointment for the epilepsy specialist here.

I'm also writing my motion to mail to douglas court on Monday, for reinstatement of telephone visitation.

Listening to a version of "Hallelujah" by Rufus Wainwright (irish performance). At first, I thought, this guy is singing so HEAVY, and without inflection, but it almost made me cry anyway. I don't know why. In a weird way, it's powerful in this monotone pounding way too. Now hearing John Cale's version. Listening to Damien Rice's version--this one makes me cry from the very start.

"I Want You" by Bob Dylan. Before that I heard, "Subterranean Blues".

You know, I like the sensibilities of the french. They're one group that values intelligence and philosophy and although catholic, not weirdo ones usually. I'm sure there are some weirdos, but...Anyway, I like a lot of different things about people from different countries. I don't know how I'd really make up my mind. I don't feel negatively about any country except my own, after what's happened, and maybe canada, because they just shot me and my son in the foot. but I do like the good canadian people in general. they are so down to earth and nice. a very good hearted group, for the most part. "Don't Think Twice, It's Alright" (love this one by dylan). the scottish have come through for me in various ways, here and there, too. and i know those from asian and middle eastern countries have been open minded, in general. and i think and write like a latin american. so i just don't know. i like them all. and i like the music of the irish and their spirit.

"Maria" by Santana. "Oye Como Va" by Santana, and I listened to "Game of Love". "Black Magic Woman"...love this one, all the way back to the 70s.

I am listening to Coldplay's "Fix You". Before that, I listened to "Viva La Vida". I'm drinking the Red Bull I wouldn't drink while I was pregnant. I have a lot of work to do today/tonight. "In My Place". I need to make myself a checklist.

I already DID get some work done--I looked up a bunch of companies that will fit the qualifications of my first client. I'm finding him a job and I'm his agent! So I went through and wrote a bunch of numbers down and will make calls tomorrow. If he gets his job, he'll give me a small payment.

I can do this, I think, for a little while, as long as it's not exceeding a certain amount, but I need to find out how to get a license or proper permit for non-profit. I've forgotten what I studied, but I'll figure it out. The thing is, I'm going back to Wenatchee to get my son, and so I think getting a non-profit license here will not be worth it. I don't know. But I would want to come back. I'd rather live over here before going abroad, than on the West Coast where all this crap happened.

One thing, is I think I'm making a very good contribution to more than one debate. One for the demise of the justice system, and another, with regard to the efficacy and cure of marijuana for true migraine, for prevention even. I see that just recently, several states have adopted new marijuana laws to support at least the use medicinally.

This country has got to get it's butt in gear if they are going to ever gain back the ground they lost. It is going to have to put corporate criminals in jail, clean up the corruption in the system, and it's going to have to put the public interest before profit from corporations--which means they must be honest and get rid of the current illegal status of marijuana. It's hard to say, "We were wrong." isn't it? but if one does not remain open and adaptable and flexible enough to BE "wrong" no one will ever learn from their mistakes, and they will be stuck in the rut they carved out for themselves.

"Trouble". lol. "They spun a web for me, they spun a web for me..."

Oh, just to note, in the last few days, not today, but yesterday and the day before, I had several individuals in different cars, take my photo with cell phones as they were driving by and I was walking. Some were women, others were men. All of them under the age of 40.

As soon as I published my address, I actually have people going on safari to find me. WHAT is WRONG with them?!

Listening to "Shiver" by Coldplay. Hmmm...Like it. It's rougher and a little different and asymmetrical. Wow, and he looks like different, Chris Martin, with longer hair. I like this song. Really like the lyrics--I want someone to say, "you'll always get your way." lol, and that "I'll always be waiting for you". He, Martin, says he was influenced by Jeff Buckley and he does add on the "do you" and "don't you" in a sort of homage or reflection of Hallelujah. Now listening to "A Message" which I've not heard before. It's sort of making me cry. That is one of the best endings to a song I've heard in a long time.

I was thinking, if my family apologized to me, which would be a big first, would I want them involved in my life or my son's life? and I realize the answer is no. I went through over 33 years of trying to salvage things, and always was the one to say sorry, and act as though things were all my fault, and they could never accept responsibility for anything themselves. the only persons I would consider being in touch with maybe down the road would be my brother, possibly, because i sometimes feel sorry for him, and granny. as for support, I do not want their support nor have I ever had their support. If things go exactly the way THEY want things to go, they show meager support as it is. they're just not reliable, and they're dangerous in that they cover up crimes themselves and think it's fine. They wanted nothing to do with my son before, even though they had plenty of opportunities to see him and I invited them over. They see my son now as a potential "soul" to influence. now, it's like they don't care about ME, unless I turn into THEM, but they think, well, at least they've GOT MY SON, and will work on him. They are so crazy, crazy, crazy, I'm going to play the song Crazy again. The one by Gnarls Barkley.

Listening to Tori Amos, "cornflake girl". Love this song. love, love, love, it. It's about betrayal between women.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NXrgjTED5bE&NR=1
Never was a cornflake girl
Thought that was a good solution
Hangin with the raisin girls
Shes gone to the other side
Givin us a yo heave ho
Things are getting kind of gross
And I go at sleepy time
This is not really happening
You bet your life it is

Peel out the watchword just peel out the watchword

She knows whats going on
Seems we got a cheaper feel now
All the sweet days are gone
Gone to the other side
With my encyclopedia
They musta paid her a nice price
Shes puttin on her string bean love
This is not really happening
You bet your life it is

Rabbit whered you put the keys girl
And the man with the golden gun
Thinks he knows so much
Thinks he knows so much
Rabbit whered you put the keys girl
***********************************************************

I could not but help think of princess diana and I did a little more research. I can't make another post about her, though, because i've nothing new or important to add. I am sort of glad burrell and these others wrote about her. at first I thought it was disgusting, but then you realize, even betrayals contain important information that can somehow be sorted out and motives can be discovered.

What stands out the most to me, aside from the way the accident happened, and disappearance of things, is the insistence that she was paranoid. it's like some people are still concerned. i mean, why do this to a dead woman, especially after the inquest had been "settled" and all? it's as if there are people who are determined to leave no lingering doubts and insist, even against reason and the evidence that she was paranoid when she really did have enemies.

at first, i didn't know what to think of her own ideas. were they accurate? but her instincts about surveillance were right, and i think she was right about other things. first, i was convinced this has only to do with MI5 or MI6 and arms and government, and it's odd that the us dept. of defense monitored her too. obviously, they would not monitor her unless they had an interest or concern about her campaign against landmines. i would really like to see some numbers--an idea of the financial cost this "loose cannon" was supposed to threaten.

i am also taking a closer look at her family. it's true that her family discord could be used by others as a deflection. but it's strange the letters from philip were missing and his tone where he asks her if her behavior towards charles did not push him to camilla, is horrid. i mean, it's the lowest blow, done in such a highbrow "can't call me out on it" way. he blames HER and asks HER to doubt herself for a romance that everyone knows had started even before diana's marriage. i find this not to be simple error or old fashioned machista, but almost a sly attempt to throw in a barb with a sting. i don't think philip was that "dull" that he didn't know what such a comment would do to someone like diana, who probably went to HIM to appeal for support and help. and let's get this straight, SHE went to her FAMILY for help, in humility, and this is what she gets? no wonder she had mood swings. who fucking wouldn't? i have yet to see a book on the market that goes through all these mental health problem accusations and level them out sensibly, taking into account different factors. aside from her bulimia, perhaps, even her self cutting or whatever, sounds to me like the normal reaction to an incredible pressure and isolation anyone would go through--if anyone had an 'adjustment disorder', she did. she wasn't ill and I don't even believe she had a personality disorder. I think she responded normally with all the insults, pressures, and the other factors. look at how she HELD UP. i mean, it took years and years to get me to the point where i was writing everything down in a public blog, not caring what i said, and she couldn't do this but look at how dignified she remained despite all the pressure. i think she was going to have a very settled and normal life and return to full health after her divorce and some distance from the royal highness crap. but i think others knew it too, and that would have been proof it was her environment which was to blame, not HER. and if anyone was going to get her first, best to do it THEN, and this was the perfect crime. i mean, who could have planned it better? no one goes down, from that kind of height, without absolute reassurance that no one would ever know and lining things up ahead of time to some degree.

if people had said she was paranoid and then shut up after the surveillance stuff was discovered, i'd be tempted to think people were speaking from innocent mistake. but that's not the case. what is odd, is that this idea is still promoted, after the evidence would actually work in her favor and clear her of unreasonable charges of paranoia. and as for things like accusing tiggy of having an abortion, and tiggy laughing, i mean, if it was not true, you know someone TOLD diana this WAS the truth and purposefully fed her wrong information to MAKE her looks nuts and as if she was off balanced or just coming up with this stuff out of her own head.

i know it is because of my own experience that i am so convinced, but i know what is possible, i really, really, do, and what has been attempted and done to me, has been, i am fully convinced and feel it in my gut, done to HER.

even the attacks on her intelligence and things like that...she was so misunderstood its unbelievable. i saw that handwriting for the first time and almost stopped with shock. this wasn't a woman with "neat penmanship", this was an extremely intelligent woman. her handwriting is not simply neat...it does not conform. she uses creative and intelligent ways to complete her letters in a quick and expedient manner. i saw this writing and that's when i knew--this woman WAS dangerous, because even though she didn't have a degree, she was every bit as smart as her scholastic brothers and sisters and yet had a different way of expressing her intelligence and probably, it just came out when she was highly interested in a subject. not only that, i've read several of her comments and quips and she was incredibly witty. it is impossible, i think, for people of simply average intelligence to be witty. wit indicates high intelligence (not to say an introvert or more serious person wouldn't be as smart). i saw her sons interview (not on tv but the script) and while harry sort of was more of sidekick and tease in the interview, william was making one witty remark after the other. both of them, really, seemed to be very bright, and intelligence, did you know? is inherited, scientists say, from the mother.

so many things have been said to purposefully minimize her impact or her credibility that i think this is one very big warning. if you simply have an enemy, the enemy or jealous person is satisfied with your death. i mean, good riddance, and adieu. but if someone is still covering something up...people will continue, and persist. is it just for the money? i don't think so. if it was all about money, the detractors would be more positive, to get sympathy and be believed that if they were close to diana, and on her side, they should be trusted. i don't know what i think about burrel. he could have been one of her worst enemies afterall, or he could have been a little egocentric and determined to show a certain side, and to earn some money. i would have to read his stuff again. something doesn't settle right when i read it, but i don't know.

the one person she got right, before dodi, was hasnat khan. he is the only one, and this barry mannakee. i believe her, about mannakee. that guy was forced to pay. he was bumped off. i do not doubt her.

i can't wait until my own crap is settled, because right now i just read bits and pieces, at breaks, but when i delve into something, i leave no stone unturned. i can sort things out and i find patterns and eliminate opinion from fact. one opinion i do take seriously and that is diana's opinions. she may have been deceiptful and manipulative, but in her position, it sort of requires this. you don't go out into public and wring your hands--you put on a bright face and shake hands. she had to. but when it came to her inner feelings and beliefs, she was being honest. i think some informants for her gave her misleading info just to make her look like she didn't have good judgment. if she wrong about enough things, they could create doubt that she was right about anything at all.

i am so going to fix this for her. it sounds crazy, but it's an even crazier idea that i could put together these massive non-profits i've got planned. those are dreams which would require money. doing research about diana and this case doesn't require money. all that is needed is information for me to read and a brain to sort things out and a lot of time, patience, and perservance. i do not believe everyone was honest at the inquest and too many things stand out. i think it's crazy NOT to think this was planned. there is just no way. too many things happened to be coincidental, and then you've got missing items all over the place, and deaths left and right, and embalming up to the waist, and crazy stuff. and crazy slandering of her name despite the evidence. and where are the pyschologist and psychiatrists to come forth and defend her? i'm so shocked no one has tried to make money, if there are at least motives for greed out there, to write a shocking portrayal of her as a normal person of exceptional intelligence, who was a creative artist, and athlete, comedienne, and highly misunderstood. okay, yes, i don't understand the watching soap opera stuff, but really, soaps so closely mirror the uppercrust life, i don't blame her. i mean, i used to think soaps were so exaggerated and then i realized, no, people really do live like that. i don't know. all i know is that i think her own family was jealous of her and you know these photos of her in a red sweater with white sheep and one black sheep? those are my favorite photos of her, because that was the only way she could make a statement. but her family knew and they were worried she might blow their shit to high heaven. who knows what skeletons could be in a royal closet. and i'm not convinced the arms thing didn't have something to do with this.