My Testimony--My Epiphany

The strangest thing happened last night. I was praying, which I've been doing more often since losing the baby, and I just felt this warmth and peace come over me.

"Come to me, all who are weary, and I will give you rest," came to my mind. And I just realized, I've been unsettled in life, for almost a decade, because I was uprooted from my religious beliefs, which I'd held since childhood and which were significant in my life.

No longer did I care to be forgiving, because I did not forgive God for allowing some things to happen to me. I realized, the stress and anxiety and even the momentary times of depression, were all unusual for me, but I went through it, because I was unsettled in my soul. My spirit was not at rest or at peace.

I had been separated from Christ, and from my family, which loves me and has always had my best interests at heart, because of a stubborn rebellion and desire to blame others for my own mistakes. I had thought I was special and that I would really "be" someone, but I'm not. I'm just like everyone else, and yet I thought there were extraordinary things in store for me. I had my hopes set too high, and when others offended me, after a while, I just could not accept it. I couldn't accept the fact that I am not as good as I wanted to be, or as gifted, or as pretty, or as smart. I'm no better than anyone else, and I have mocked those who had wisdom but with whom I disagreed, and was blind.

After all, a secret I've held onto, which my parents know about, is an insight to my psyche...

When I was in kindergarten, on the first day home from school, I was crying or pouting because the teacher gave me a sad face on my first assignment. She had written I did not follow directions.

My mother called and asked what this was all about and the teacher informed her that she had asked all the children to color in the leaf shape RED, and Cameo Garrett had been the only one to refuse. "Why didn't you color the leaf red like the teacher asked you to do?" said my mother, and I said, "Because LEAVES are GREEN! Not RED." In my childish way, I had asserted I was the one who would adhere to the "truth" and I did. It was the truth as I saw it, but I didn't have the imagination enough to think that leaves, in autumn, could be purple, black, brown, and even...red. I was stubborn and believed everyone was an idiot. But I was the idiot.

I have mistreated others and been angry and fought others because I believed I was right and if someone was wrong, it was them.

I projected my desire to be special onto my future, and when it didn't happen, I simply fell apart. What?! I'm not special? I'm not famous? I'm not a star?!!! I was supposed to be a star. I was the Homecoming Queen. I was going to be famous in Nashville. I had a smack of reality when the car accident killed that dream, and I sudenly saw my life was short, and that I could die at any time, and what would happen then? I saw my family and friends, and even enemies, and was afraid of where I was going after life. I prayed to God to forgive me for all of my sins, and please give me another chance and I would live differently.

So I was nice for a while, and singing in the choir, and happy, and volunteered in my community...B ut I was still...searching. After a few years, I wondered why, and this was my NEW disappointement, why was I not married? Why had I not met the right ma? I had done everything right, and I was a virgin, and I was 24 years old and had kissed only one person in my life. I tithed, I gave away most of my jmoney after I sold my house, and I prayed for others, sometimes for hours at a time. The Bible sadi God would bless us if we are faithful. The Bible said God will reward us for our piety and humility and service to others. I wanted a family. I wanted to be married, and have children, but never met anyone who I clicked with. So I got mad at God, and I realize now, it was all because I wanted to be married, and thought it was a prize I should get for being good.

I didn't get the prize, so I just got peeved. And then I was vulnerable, because I did not have the protection or covering of Christ when I ran from Him. Christ was my protector and my guardian, and, really, my soulmate, and I turned away from Him. When I did this, I turned away from my religion slowly, and then, bit by bit, in bitterness, away from my family.

I had a moment to reflect on things last night, and I realized, I have mocked the "holy rollers" when this is exactly WHO I am and always was. I have been running away from myself, and mocked others who tried to be closer to Christ. I left behinde the spiritual, and in doing so, I mocked the Holy Spirit.

The same Holy Spirit that was once part of my life, which was missing, wihch is why I was so combative with others. The sweetness and purity, and the humility I had once had, were gone, because it was not I who was humble, but the Spirit working through me. When I ran from the Holy Spirit, the fruits of the Spirit also departed. Patience, kindness, humility, long suffering, faith, and hope. I didn't know what I could become without these virtues, but I realized last night, that I became a wreck. And then I had a breakdown and was determined to prove everyone wrong about that too. I had not wanted to be "WRONG". I was willing to allow others to even think I was still crazy, rather than face the truth that everyone knew better than me: I had a mental breakdown. I had tried, THEN, to explain it to myself and everyone else, with a theroy I heard from a computer tech. At this juncture, I have to be open to the wisdom of others, and I could not accept the idea that what I felt was really just delusion from the stress and lack...of...rest (well, and then God later showed me another explanation which may be a way to honor the fact I told him I would be humble enough to accept the truth, and then He showed me information about seizures).

But, nevertheless, I was tired. I had achieved a lot, in college, and through the lawsuits, and work, but it took a toll on my health and after having my son, in the middle of all this, I simply had over-exhaustion. I had taxed all my reserves.

Last night, what came to me, was this epiphany, this scripture verse, about rest. And that's when it all hit me.

I had suffered from a serious blow to my identity, when I left my faith and things didn't turn out as planned. I becaem even more egocentric to compensate for my humiliation over myself. Then, I stressed myself out trying to prove everyone wrong and, doing so many things at once, and not getting enough sleep at night, and having constant migraines, (and seizures?!!?), which were not treated. After trying to explain the symptoms I was experiencing, the analysis of others was that I was paranoid schitz, or had suffered a psycotic break. I've now come to the realization that that was not the case, that I was really just experiencing a breakdown from sheer exhaustion (or, possibly, seizures triggered by stress, lack of sleep, and lack of certain nutrients and minerals because I spent my money on trying to feed my son well, with more expensive organic foods, and didn't leave enough for myself). Afterwards, I didn't want to admit it and I hated my family for trying to help me. I hated them. When they tried to help me, they were showing me a mirror of myself and I didn't like how it looked. I was a wreck so I decided maybe I could fool everyone and try to find another excuse. I hoped to buy time, in an effort to turn something up I could use as the grand excuse, but I was just running, still...from mystlef! Running on empty, but running nonetheless.

Not only that, I had alienated many people by becoming a bunch of things I was NOT, but which I took up to be rebellious. I wasn't an activist, but it gave me a sense of self-importance. I was going to save the world! If I wasn't going to be a singer, or a wife, well then! I will save the world! I also became a feminist, curiously, when I've really only wanted to be a mother and a wife and a good provider for my children. I am so girly and I used to encourage other women to be submissive to their husbands, and to authority, because I KNEW it would bring peace and harmony to their lives, as it did mine, but I turned away from this. If God was going to let me down, I'd just do whatever I wanted and I would try something new. I would be the exact opposite of who I was before. It was like night and day, the change, and it didn't happen all at once, but within several years, I WAS a different person, and it wasn't for the better. I think I liked it that way. I liked having an excuse to act out, even when I knew my behavior was absolutely unacceptable. I even liked writing crazy things in a blog. And I liked knowing I was making people mad.

When I lost my baby, I lost my baby because I made a bad choice. It was my choice, and I insisted upon it, because I believed I was right, as usual. What I discovered, is that I was wrong, and it cost the life of an unborn child.

SO the leaf came to me, as I was praying last night, and I realized, it was like seeing my life in a flashback all over again...I realized if I died tonight, I might not go to heaven. I realized my problem was cognitive and that my behavioral issues stemmed from this cognitive dissonance I had with my spirit and who I was, and the human predicament of disappointement. And trying to ignore everything, I worked even harder and then I was exhausted, not able to keep up, and it is possible I either had a breakdown or seizures and then a breakdown from not being believed about the symptoms I described.

I guess I was determined to carry on the crusade. But now, I'm starting to think, the least I can do, for the child I killed out of my own ignoance and pride and ego, is to over...I hate to say it: a new leaf.

I prayed the Sinner's Prayer again and asked the Holy Spirit to come back into my life and to take control and asked for forgiveness for even my enemies, and prayed those I've offended will also forgive me. I then, just felt this rest and peace, and I think it must be becaue a lot of people are praying for me and my son. I know my son needs me and we were bonded in a way I cannot explain, and I do know I was always a very good mother to him, but it's true, that if I'd had a breakdown and it continued, or if the seizures continued without treatment, he may have been put "at risk". I'm a little confused as to why it suddenly ended sometime after leaving for Canada and I'm perplexed by the loss of my periods, but it must be from stress from not having my son with me? I guess some things are difficult to explain???

I feel what I neededed, after not being able to admit to the possibility of a "breakdown", was a "breakthrough," and I am giving all the glroy to Jesus Christ, my Lord and Savior, who has carried me through all these trials. I am also thankful for the prayers of my family, because I know THEY KNOW, that Heaven is forever, for all eternity, and that it is more important my son be raised by a godly mother, than by a mother who is propelled by self-interest to "change the world". I want my son to have a good life in this life, and this will not happen if his mother is always confronting others. It will not bring peace. I also want my son AND me to go to Heaven, so that when Granny dies, we will later also see her there. I want Granny to die knowing I came back to the Lord, so she is also able to rest in peace, when it is her time to go.

I think I should go back to the embassies I've talked to, and thank them for their kindnesses and let them know my place is here, in the country I've blamed but love, and with those who love me enough to tell me I'm wrong.

For some reason, I no longer feel the need to post private details of my life and the lives of others any longer. I think it was a manifestation of just wanting to prove something before, and maybe "entering into His rest" also rids the spirit of the urge to fight it out? Or maybe I'm just happy to be back to the old me, I don't know. I may journal a bit, just to show others the evidence of the Spirit at work! And perhaps it would be nice to end mmy blog on a positive note, after a month or so of my testimonies to the transformation of the Holy Spirit.

"Not by might, not by power, but by My Spirit," says the Lord.

God bless everyone and please forgive me for being an idiot!