No, I Don't Have "damages" from Childhood

Having written about my immediate family, some will claim I had problems then, but no one, not one of my friends from this time would agree.

Everyone has family problems and some are worse than others. Mine, I overcame on my own, and I decided to absorb what happened, and forgive and forget. And I DID, and I had absolutely zero damages from anything. I never experienced depression, anxiety, or panic attacks, or ANYTHING.

I have always been big on writing, so that's just been a part of my personality. It is said you know you're a writer if you cannot stop writing. I had another writer tell me this--that it should be something you can't live without, and that this is the true mark of a writer (whether you write well or not). I also ran and this absorbed any stress I may have had then. I did what normal teenagers do--talked to friends, and, in my case, I moved on.

I had no damages from it. I would say, the only time I felt truly "damaged" by family was when they actually claimed I had (LOREN claimed) assaulted Granny when I had only protected my own body and unborn baby from being hit. I held her arms down so she couldn't continue punching at me, and I only did this even, because I was pregnant. However, Loren had assaulted me before this even happened and I told him and my grandfather if it happened again I would tell police. Then I went to counseling and told a counselor. Loren and my grandfather were hostile towards me because of this and because I had criticized them for not taking Granny to the hospital after she broke her back when she was in so much pain. The fact my family left me in JAIL, DID cause damages.

I had normal disappointments from family and many a child has received corporal punishment and lived, and been fine. That's not what bothered me, and I got it to quit besides. What bothered me was the lying and lack of support from my own parents when I was in jail on false charges.

I didn't speak to anyone for almost a year, and I swore THAT was it. I was so wounded by this, I was done. However, for the sake of my son ALONE, I thought, out of mercy, I would allow his grandparents to be involved. But no one really wanted to be involved, even when I took the initiative to forgive them.

However, this set me up. Everyone saw how my own family didn't even support their own daughter when she was falsely jailed and then all charges had to be thrown out. And this made it easy for others to target me again, believing and guessing, my family wouldn't support me still.

I was promised many things by my family, and you "live" when promises are broken. But one does not forgive and forget when such a promise is made, to help your own son with a private attorney. That promise had been made more than once.

When my family involved themselves in having me chased down in Canada, and in giving reports of "concern" to CPS which CPS jumped on, regardless of whether they knew what my family was like or not, they lost me and my trust forever. Family like that is bad news. There is a line that's crossed that can never, ever, be repaired.

And I wanted to show another side of my parents and family, so people realize my decision to cut them off, is not a sign that I have "problems" or that I'm having "new and unusual problems with family". Given the whole history and circumstances, it is rational, and an absolute necessity.

I wasn't going to allow my parents back into my life at all, after I was jailed, but Brett McDonald, my therapist at the time, encouraged me to do this. I didn't want to, and thought it was unwise in many ways and not good for my own health and peace of mind, but I gave it one more try. And that was IT.

My family already knew I didn't want anything to do with them, because I left for Canada and when I was returned, my mother told me they would not wire one dollar to me because "YOU CHOSE to leave the family." They have serious issues, but their behavior did not cause me any harm except disappointment, until I was jailed on their false testimony (of some who were not even witnesses) and then left there by the others.

At this point, when I can prove once again, they backed out on not just a promise, but a contract that affected the outcome of my position with regard to my son, and my right to visitation, after this, there is no state or therapist that can claim I need counseling or have issues and need to be restored to family relationship. There are some families that are best avoided altogether, and for me, this is one of them.

My family would like to claim I've "changed" and this is true, with regard to them. I HAVE changed, and they would like to blame me rather than take any responsibility to my desire to stay away from them.

I have good reason to stay away. I have good reason to be angry. I have good reason to want to sue them, and good reason for suspecting they have interfered with my ability to get a fair trial, by their proximity and close relationship to Cassel, who never liked me. Cassel liked the Bairds, not me, and he would do them and the state favors before providing me with an adequate defense.

My damages and "issues", began after involvement with the Mt. Angel Abbey and their lawyers. They did things which were no less than harassment, and then frank illegal activity. I never wrote or sent any romantic or sexually suggestive email. AFTER they told people in the town I HAD, I sent them a "mock photo display" of me as the alleged "temptress" which was to mock their accusations. They put this at the front of their response to the Bar, when I complained about slander. But they truly did slander me, because even this was not provoked from me until after I found out they'd gone to people who were officers in their church, and put me under investigation just to satisfy their own interest in me and keep track of me, slander me, and cover themselves in case I sued them. When I found out they USED the system against me, for their own religious goals, THIS is what shocked me to the core. There was nothing I couldn't forgive, from my past, until this happened.

My first thought was that this was clear corruption and a sign of going back to the middle ages with lack of separation between church and state.

And it's funny, because in the case with my son, those who went after me, from employment positions with the STATE of Washington, were also Catholic. The first ones were. Those behind everything were.

So this is really what was damaging to me. I had my first panic attacks over these kinds of discoveries. It's one thing to be human and err, and for random violence to occur, and it's another thing entirely to witness premeditated acts of cruelty against oneself.

The Abbey always wanted to blame my damages on someone else, but there was no one else. They tried to point to a prior sexual assault, but this was what made them more liable when their monks knew this information and that I sought counseling and protection, and they went after me in lust themselves. The Abbey wanted to blame childhood sexual abuse when there is zero history of this. The Abbey wanted to blame family problems, but despite certain issues, I was a very happy child and woman and everyone knew it. I had a thriving social life until I was involved with the monks. They told me to cut off ties with others and even family, sucked me in, and then spit me out.

The things that followed, with assault by FBI the attorneys knew, just created worse problems and watching the cover-up that ensued, and the inability of judges to be impartial and fair and follow their own God damn rules, THAT was the cause of any mild PTSD I had.

Forgiveness is a powerful thing. It allows the psyche and the spirit to recover from incredibly traumatic experiences sometimes. You see stories of people who are captured by psychos and chained in a basement and tortured and abused, and they come out of it and you'd think they'd be deranged. Yet you see so many that are NOT, who processed everything, and who survived intact.

It's possible. Just because someone goes through something indescribable, doesn't mean they become mentally ill. Just because YOU think YOU would, or that "anyone would" doesn't mean it is true for any given individual. The human spirit is strong and based on ones foundation and faith in THEMSELVES, anything can be overcome and it is wrong to rob those survivors of the triumph of making it through everything, in the end "just fine, thank you."

People who haven't been through trauma, with a solid footing in life and in self-esteem, have a hard time understanding this. But there are some people who struggle after a one-time stint in the military and then there are those that spend 20 years in a prison camp and are tortured, who have maybe minimal damages. And then you look at people who are INNOCENT and falsely accused of crime, who go to jail for 40 years on a crime they did not commit, and when they are finally exonnerated, you'd think they'd be mentally ill from trying to cope with the injustice and yet they're not.

I believe a lot of our reactions depend upon our capacity to adapt and form defense strategies for ourselves, unconscious or not. I would have thought, years ago, if certain things happened, I would fall apart. But so many things happened, and I did not fall apart. I endured through it all. Not completely unscathed, but the minor PTSD I have is directly related to major events that I KNOW were the triggers, and I also know if my name was cleared, all of my PTSD would go away. Some could say just forget about it, but you can't forget something like this. Justice is a serious thing, and my love and respect for my country and its laws was great. I believed the good guys WILL eventually catch the bad ones and I did not ever think so many people could go along with group think, like the Nazis.

I was able to forgive my family, because I knew they were ignorant and impaired in judgment. I was able to forgive random events of being held hostage, which everyone thinks is "so huge" because it was "random". What is "so big" to everyone else was a piece of cake for me, because I was able to UNDERSTAND it was random and not a directed target against me. Same thing with the sexual assault by the coworker when I was a virgin and he knew I was waiting for marriage. I believe I didn't fight him off as hard as I could have, because I was afraid because no one would hear me and he had a knife and was angered and held me down more. I also think being submissive to certain abuses with my family contributed to the way I responded. But it was normal, and I got over it, and I forgave him. I realized later, he needed to be held accountable, but I still forgave him.

When it comes to the Abbey and their lawyers though, I have serious issues with what they did. What they did was premeditated, and they did not just break normal "social" norms and constructs, they broke the law. What shocked me the very most, was how a church that I had supported and almost converted to, would turn on me and then use POLICE from their church against me.

I knew this was illegal and what was even worse to discover, was how far they would take this. They used people they knew in the FBI next.

In this case, what was done to me, was deliberate, it was done by people I had believed in and trusted, and what was most shocking is that they went so far as to break laws and threaten me. That was frightening, and was what caused my first bout of anxiety, and later, depression. I was so sure someone was going to stand up for me and tell people, "hey, that guy, or many of our guys, really tried to do her in and it wasn't right--she wasn't crazy, because I saw her at our monastery, and she didn't wear seductive clothing and she didn't write sexually graphic email or harass us or vandalize or post signs on our property..." I kept waiting, and because I truly believed at least a FEW of these guys had to be sincere christians/catholics, I became depressed when it didn't happen. I could not believe it. I knew how I would confess and feel too guilty if I'd done something like that. I knew I'd stand up for others. So it was a blow and a shock to see no one did.

That was when my "damages" began, but I was still holding up fine until the FBI guys assaulted me and the FBI tried to cover it up with the cooperation of Portland police.

My biggest damages have come from the shock of what this country's system is really about and how it can be manipulated by those who have the most money or power, to oppress and abuse those who are poorer or who still cry out for equality and justice or who will not go home, but speak up loudly for change.

Still, what happened with my seizures and my son, it wasn't the result of a breakdown. It truly happened, and I have posted emails about what was going on prior to this, and it shows motive of some, who knew they could be in trouble, to not only harass me but to go after me and my son.

It is very sad, but while some in Wenathchee covered it up, others just couldn't believe it. I mean, if they couldn't believe that I really had physical damages from childbirth, why would they believe I and my son were actually tortured through the effects of a "magnetic pulse"? Now, I have further proof a magnetic pulse is what it was, and that I was having symptoms of seizure when I was predisposed to seizure and had symptoms at even age 15, after I began to run heavily and lost a lot of weight. I did not have seizures from stress because despite some family issues, my migraines and the correlation of seizure fits a medical profile of someone who simply has: migraines and a predisposure to seizure when there is an imbalance of electrolytes (low sodium and glucose from massive loss of fluid through sweat/running) and other triggers. There is also a strong family history of factors that lead to this tendency.

All that I wanted to prove, by revealing some things about my family, is that I have rational reasons for not wanting to be involved and being angry with them.

It would be wonderful if I could just forgive them and wipe out my memory, but we have memories to remind us of things to avoid in the future. I gave it a fair shot, over the years, and it isn't worth it to me anymore. It's sad, and I tried, but it's reasonable for me to make this decision and rather than trying to change my mind and accusing me of having "issues", people will simply have to accept this.

A lot of assumptions have been made about me, including that I'm impulsive or behaving differently towards my family. My family wants to make this claim, and I didn't want to shame them, so I didn't drag out the skeletons. But I cannot allow my family to paint me one way and claim they are so supportive and only trying to help and they "don't know what happened to her!" when they know very well, that this is the natural consequence of actions they've made over the years, which do not support a healthy relationship. I choose, for myself and for my son, to be removed from them at the earliest possible time. I would not want my son to be around my own family, and I have reasons for this and other explanations which will come out later if needed.

At this point, suffice it to say, I am a rational woman who YES! has extraordinary outbursts like everyone else, but UNLIKE everyone else, chooses to write down her feelings rather than vent privately. My reactions to some of these things are no different from the reactions anyone else would have, it's just that I post things without censoring myself. Which people need to accept.

I am a writer. I will write about myself and my life, and I will write about you, possibly, but most likely, just those whom I believe have been a danger to society through their insistence on conformity and having things their way despite the evidence.

And while I'd really, reeeaally, like to believe the state and CPS have been honest and made an honest mistake, I know this isn't the truth, and the fact so many rules were violated and evidence and discovery was withheld, proves this.

The fact they deliberately tried to force me to choose between medical care and my own visitation with my son is another indicator they were not being honest. I knew they knew I had injuries. This is the only reason some of the evidence was WITHHELD. But I knew if I went back, I might lose my son forever, if they got their person to say I was "paranoid schitzo" which is NOT a disorder CPS accepts as being "okay" for parenting. I knew I had to get other help, and CPS and the state cut off my visitation, to try to prevent this. They were either going to force me to lose my son through a faulty mental health diagnostic, or they would force me to lose my son by trying to cut off my son's ability to stay bonded to me.

That is wrong.

My family once again, was a harm to me and my son, rather than a support. Because of this, I have lost time with my son, and my son has lost time with his own mother.
My family chose to believe the state, that I didn't have injuries I was in pain for, rather than listen to me, and even if they believed me, they were unwilling to let go of my son and respect their daughters and grandson's right to be together even if it meant initially he would be with another family to be closer to me to allow me to get the medical diagnostics both he and I needed.

My father is changed and as greedy as my mother. I can prove dishonesty and an interest in putting their own reputations over me. They don't like things I write about and didn't like how I was willing to write about family. I had threatened to sue my mother's family for making the false report to the police which put me in jail. I know my father would go along with what my mother wanted, in order to get a share in the windfall after my grandparents die. He would go after money before he would show support for me. As much as I loved him, he isn't the same person.

Now, I am out of time. If I don't go back, I will lose my son for loss of bond, which I didn't create, but which the state created. And if I go back, I will never the fair and objective diagnostics I need to further prove what happened to me and my son was real. It would take at least another month to get the diagnostics I need, and over here, I am more likely to get a fair chance and there are experts in this field. Washington has no such experts. In Maryland, there is an enormous science group that specializes in neurology diagnostics and experiments for migraine and seizure.