Stranded (Feb. 16, 2008)

RE: Pamela‏
From: cam huegenot (cameocares@live.com)
Sent: Sat 2/16/08 2:25 PM
To: dicksiedael@aol.com
I'd like to know exactly what you think I'm supposed to be doing.

I have NO money. I had to ASK this guy I have stayed with the last 2 nights, whom I've "done" nothing with, to buy me lunch so I had something to eat. I need some MONEY because I don't have anything. And yet you write nothing about it.

I told you, I have a JOB over here but it doesn't start for a few days. I'm not going to start over looking for work somewhere else. I already got a job here.

Did you even call that lawyer? You haven't said if you talked to him or not. He asked you guys to speak with him because he wanted to explain the court-appointed attorney thing and some of the things CPS has been telling you guys--AND he also has information about how the mental evaluation stuff works because he's DONE it before. He has to be paid though, and he can explain better than I can, why it's not a good idea to follow the directions CPS and wenatchee people are giving you.

In the meantime, I have been here almost a week with NO money and NO car, and you seem to think I've got a secret stash or something. there is NO secret stash. I DO NOT have any money. Last night I had 4 different men offer me a place to stay, in exchange for sexual favors and turned them all down and went with some guy who has let me stay at his place wiht his friends but who is not interested in "taking care of" me when I'm not even his girlfriend. I got my dinner last night, from the 4 different guys who were coming onto me, and this town is small and thinks that just because I talked with them and allowed them to buy me dinner and coffee, that i'm some kind of slut. I already have a reputation over here with some of the people who don't know I'm not "doing" anything with the guys over here. I had an offer to start work beginning THIS morning, at $10/hr., but would have had to stay with the guy and he came across as jealous of other guys when he didn't even know me so I bagged it bc it seemed he was looking for something else.

If this is how you're leaving me out here, to refuse any help whatsoever, don't ever think we will ever be on "good terms". Your ideas of "tough love" have already driven me away and when I left for Canada, I didn't plan on contacting you again. Now, it's an emergency, and I'm asking for help. If you don't want to help your only daughter because ylu feel I'm "using" you, that's your choice, but every choice you make affects how I view you as a "support system" and my "family". NOW is not the time for "tough love". In my view, by refusing to help at all, and trying to push me and force me to do what YOU want me to do, instead of treusting my judgment and helping me to get on my feet in another way, you are trying to manipulate me by freezing me out. That's not going to help our relationship or my views of you.

If I would leave for Canada, I would leave you altogether. You have done your best to drive me away and the worse it gets and more proof I get of ZERO support from you, the more I am inclined to keep you out of my life.

Frankly, it wasn't my choice to be born. I didn't ask to be born, and I had no choice. It wasn't my choice to be your daughter either, and to see how you treat your own kids. But it IS my choice to keep you from disappointing and hurting me further. The only time you offer your support is when I'm already ON my feet and don't need it, or when I'm doing exactly what YOU think I should do or what you WANT me to do. And yet you claim I'm the one who doesn't want to do it any other way. It is MY life, and as a parent, your job isn't to make my choices for me or to try to drive me into the choices YOU would make if YOU were ME. Your job has always been to allow me to find my own path and to support me in which direction I choose to go. It's not to abandon me on the wayside until I conform to your expectations and desires. The more you try to force your own opinions on me, the more you have driven me away. I have not come closer to either of you over the years, only farther apart, and yet you blame me and can't see you have had a part in this relationship and that it's a 2-way street. If only I had gotten married, when I was yet 18 years old, as YOU wished. You pushed and badgered me to "just get married" to try to take me off your hands for years. then, it was "get a JOB" and finally go to school to get a job bc you figured it was too late for me to be married off. You have constantly sent me the message that I am not your responsibility, but that I should be the responsibility of someone else, even the state. And then you try to throw me off onto someone else's shoulders.

YOU guys told me to just go along with the court appointed lawyer when I was in jail, and plead guilty. If I had taken your advice, I would have a criminal record to this day, for something I didn't do.

You do NOT know what is best for me, and if you want to help, you need to be willing to help me in faith, trusting that God can and does speak to me and that you can be helping hands.

I will petition the court to remove Oliver from HOlly's house if this is how it's going to be. He should be closer to me, and I can ask them to send him to a family over here, where I am. He doesn't know Holly anymore than he'd know some other family over here, and if this is how my family is going to treat me, as if I am a child, then I will have to begin working against my family and start telling the court about my concerns.

You think everything is fine with Oliver. Why? because he's getting clothes and toys and laughs? I laugh over here too, and yet I don't sleep at night. As far as Oliver goes, he's sucking his thumb, which is his primary way to soothe himself when he's under a lot of distress. He doesn't ordinarily suck his thumb--he only does it when he's extremely tired, or hurting inside.

Cameo


To: cameocares@live.com
Subject: Pamela
Date: Sat, 16 Feb 2008 13:26:37 -0500
From: dicksiedael@aol.com

Hi. Almost forgot, but wanted to mention that you wrote in an email that I should have Pamela
fax some papers to that attorney. Well, Dad thinks we shouldn't be getting too involved in the
details of proceedings and I also don't know if you'll be using the attorney or whatever. Anyhow
I'm leaving it to you to contact Pamela with any issues you need to discuss, papers to exchange,
etc. I know I've given you her contact info and I'm sure they did that at the by-phone hearing,
too. Of course, I'm sure you wont reach anybody at CPS over the weekend...unless she's told
you how to do that. Love, Mom