From: cam huegenot (cameocares@live.com)
Sent: Tue 2/19/08 11:21 AM
To: dicksiedael@aol.com
You don't practice "tough love" in emergencies. THat is not appropriate. When someone's tooth is decayed and about to be lost forever, you don't tell them, "tough--you should have had the money yourself and taken care of it" and allow the person to lose the tooth, which can't be replaced, to teach them a lesson. That's what you did to me once in Portland, and granny and grandpa paid for a huge dental bill. You and Dad were willing to allow me to suffer in pain and just have my tooth pulled out (which is what they do if you can't pay for it). This is along the same lines, but worse. You are willing to see Oliver taken from me, and offer ZERO financial support, and have already expressed to me what CPS is telling YOU and what you believe from them--you have Pamella telling you secondhand that I was obnoxious in the immigration hearings court and that that's why I was kicked out of the country. And you believed her, without even asking me what happened first.
I have already told you what happens to people who get court-appointed representation, and it is NOT in their best interests to "go along". They do NOT have the time to sort things through and defend you, and there is no way in HELL I'd go to THEIR metal health eval. You have to get an independent one.
You guys haven't even offered to help me get my car back. You haven't sent money for food or shelter, or anything, leaving me in very dangerous situations, to try to force me to do what YOU want.
YOU want me to stop "writing these things" and stop making people mad. YOU'RE the ones who try to control me and are going along and giving information you shouldn't be tgiving to CPS.
Even if I lose Oliver, I won't lose him forever. Imagine the rage and anger he will have for you, even HATRED, because he will know what you could have done to ehlp and how you left him and his mother to the state, because you have ALWAYS put MONEY first. That is not going to be hard to prove.
I may lose Oliver, but you have lost something too. YOu have lost me forever. There is no amount of money or apology that could ever convince me it's good to have anything to do with you. You've left me in jail, you've left me stranded, with rotten teeth, and without my son, and in the meantime, you buy yourself international vacations, rentals, investments, your own legal defense attorneys, dinner-out, and even plastic surgery. All you care about is yourselves and your money.
I'm not going back to Wenatchee. This is the last time I tell you that. I don't care if this ONE lawyer I've talked to here represents me or not. I'm NOT going back.
When I call Pamella, I'll email or call you for the time to buy me a bus ticket. It will not be to appear in court because I will not go in person until I have a private attorney. If that means I have to wait for months, so be it.
In the meantime, I ultimately answer to GOD. NOt to YOU and not to CPS, but GOD. And I will do what I believe GOD wants me to do and what my conscience tells me to do--not what YOU and CPS think I should do.
Cameo
To: cameocares@live.com
Subject: Re: New Note from Holly re: Oliver
Date: Mon, 18 Feb 2008 01:25:02 -0500
From: dicksiedael@aol.com
You are not an embarrasment to me; you are who you are and people judge you by your actions and me by mine. I'm not sorry you're my daughter, but I am sorry for all the awful ways you feel and the fact that you can't see the true picture. Nobody sent or wrote the things about Oliver to imply that he's better off with Holly or anything of the sort; it was actually in hopes that YOU wouldn't worry as much because you'd know that while CPS has taken him from you, he's being cared for to the besst of Holly's ability... You always take the position of the martyr, like this was to put you down when in reality it was because both Holly and I wanted to hopefully help you to not worry...as much as you might if you knew nothing of how he's doing. You say your free speech is so important and it's more important than keeping your son; then so be it. Nobody has ever tried to stop you from your 'free speech' but only to encourage you to use discretion if you did not want things misinterpreted and used against you to perhaps take Oliver as has apparently happened. We have cared about you and cared about you keeping Oliver. But as you say, you are a free agent with a free will and you have chosen to go your own route. The problem is that it's not turning out well, and yet you expect us to bail you out when you, in many cases, went against our advice to begin with. And yes, you have the right to not take our advice. But then you have the responsibility of dealing with the outcome; it is not our responsibility when your situation is the direct result of bad choices you have made and, further, a hateful and demanding and accusatory attitude towards us. If, and that's "IF" we give or have given bad advice, it's always been in your best interests. You have always had and will continue to have the right to reject it. But don't expect us to bear the consequences of your choices. It sounds as though you expect some big trial or something where all the FBI and Catholic and radiation stuff will be brought out. Well, I KNOW I'm not an expert on these things, but I'm pretty certain the judge will not allow or want a lot of that info, but I guess we will see. I just have a feeling that with the attitude you have, you will lose Oliver and that's truly not what anyone, not even CPS wants. They just want to make sure you ARE "fit" and want to be assured of that. I doubt they will feel assured until they get their evaluation or whatever. But you can take your 'high road' and make your own decisions and have your free speech...and possibly lose your son. If your free speech is more important than him, I guess you are right....I DON'T know you. Because I would have thought that he was the most important thing to him. You say you'd die for him, but you aren't willing to rein in your tongue. CPS has told me that if you have not made an effort to work with them within 9 months, they have the right to and likely will start proceedings to terminate your parental rights and put him up for adoption. They say the clock is ticking. I know you're a fighter, and I'm guessing from all you've said that you will fight. Sometimes, it's better to NOT fight and to humble yourself, but I guess that's not in you. I'm sorry, because I really do want to see you happy and with him, and it's looking like that won't happen. You say we want to control you; we only want to help you. We can NOT control you, and we know that; but we can care....but caring doesn't mean helping you to fight if we think that's not in your best interests...then WE are to blame as well as you. It's not about the money. I know you think it is, but it's not. We are tithing, we have given money to folks in our church, we have given money to you many times...sometimes in the form of a car or whatever, but think what you will. You say you are a christian. If that is so, where is the love, the peace, the joy, the fruit of the spirit? ANY fruit of the spirit? You fight, accuse, are suspicious, throw obscenities all over the place, dishonor authorities, are bitter, hateful, resentful. You know the scriptures in your head, and I truly believe you used to know them in your heart, but that is not the case now and it IS evident by the fruit...or lack thereof. I know you are thinking the same or worse about me...you've said as much so many times. However, while I have told you things you don't want to hear, while I have not done many of the things you've demanded, while I may 'point out' your shortcomings as I just did above, I can HONESTLY say that I do it in hopes you will change and therefore FIND the love, the peace, the joy, and so much more... I say it, believe or not, and I write back, only because I CARE for you. I have made plain my thoughts about some of the things you do or say, but never, never have I ever said I hate you or wish you ill or want you to be miserable...things you HAVE said to us. In spite of how you hate us, we will always care for you. we may not do as you think we should do, but we do care about you and your happiness, even if ...in your eyes...it doesn't result in doing what you want. Caring for you, however, does not mean we have to continue to be abused by you, and if you want to continue to only accuse and reitterate how much you dislike us, we may likely choose to not continue to communicate. That is not because we don't care, but because we do care and it saddens us to have to hear all the time about how awful you think we are. I love you, Cameo, and if I ever said I did not (the letter you have) or gave you that impression, I am so sorry. I don't love everything you do, by any means, or many things you say, but I love you. I don't know where you will end up in life, but if ever you are totally alone and down and you feel you have nobody, please remember that. If ever you REALLY need us...not for our money, not to help you fight, not to rant and rave at, but just to love, we will come for you or send for you and we will be here for you... I know that will never happen as long as you feel as you do now. I'm just saying it in case you ever, some day, have regrets. Not saying you will, not saying you should, just saying if you do.
I Know you don't approve of our 'tough love' approach, but remember that it does include "love" and hopefully some day down the road you will know that.
-----Original Message-----
From: cam huegenot
To: dicksiedael@aol.com
Sent: Sun, 17 Feb 2008 1:00 pm
Subject: RE: New Note from Holly re: Oliver
Basically, so what. I know my son is strong, like I am. That doesn't mean he's doing "well". I too, laugh and I even went dancing last night. Anyone looking would think I'm happy all the time and having lots of fun. That doesn't mean anything. He is not unharmed or unaffected by losing his mother. ANd all these things Holly and others do with or for him, I've done with him myself. He's not better off with HER than with me, and I know my son better than any of you.
Of course he likes animals. I could have told you that. I could tell anyone exactly what he likes to eat, and what his favorite interests are. But interestingly, my own family hasn't even sent ONE email to me, asking me what would make him more comfortable and what he likes.
I will be petitioning to have my son closer to ME, not Holly.
You have already shown me, in the past and now, that you are, as always, unwilling to invest ANYTHING, financially, into a lawyer or even TALK to another lawyer who is concerned about Oliver's and my best interests.
I didn't feel I had "family" or support from you before, and obviously you are showing me I have none now. You have, my entire life, tried to manipulate my decisions and now you think you have the power to force me into your way of thinking, by freezing me out. Your analogy of leaving Oliver in the street IS stupid. I am not a child, I'm a grown woman who has had more than her share of hard times that I have not been in fault for. I have more physical injuries than you've ever had, all of you put together. Your version of "tough love" is ridiculous, given the situation. You don't practice "tough love" when someone is in a crisis/emergency situation.
I have had more problems in Wenatchee than almost anywhere else and my own family tried to get me to TAKE A FUCKING GUILTY PLEA for something I DIDN"T DO because YOU thought you could trust the system and didn't want to invest any money in bailing me out or getting me a lawyer. You cared more about "sparing" granny and grandpa from testifying than in a criminal record for your own daughter. and you THINK that I am going to take YOUR ADVICE? You have completely naive to legal situations and yet you spend plenty of money for your own legal matters.
YOU want the easy way out. You think and hope everything will be fine if you don't invest ANY money into this, and you're greedy. I want NOTHING to do with your practice or version of "christianity" as you have been some of the worst examples I've ever seen for christianity. Money has gone to your head and consumed you and you have always been selfish and put yourselves before your children.
I have had to BEG and plead for ANY assistance from you, when I've needed it most, and been disabled and hurting and you affirm you STILL don't believe I was in such pain when I was back in Wenatchee like I've told you I was. Instead, you rant about how I didn't keep the house clean and totally dismiss EVERYTHING I say. You have been doing this for years. You never give me respect or trust me and I've NEVER had a good relationship with you.
I figured, because Dad promised he would assist with money if anyone ever took Oliver from me or tried, that I would ask one more time for help, becaus eof the promise he made to me. Now, you do the exact same thing you did when I was falsely arrested and thrown in jail--you leave me to the state to rot and don't want to spend one precious dime. This isn't about my best interests or Oliver's best interest. If you really cared so much, you would have at least called the lawyer I asked you to speak to. But you didn't even want to spend money for a long-distance call to him. That, to me, is sick. How you treated me when I was in jail pretty much ruined my relationship with both of you. It took the last shred of compassion inside of me, to try to have ANY kind of relatinoship with you after I saw how my own parents would not support me in even the worst situations and put money before me. But I gave you one more chance.
I asked for help again, trying to explain the horrible pain I was in and what was going on in Wenatchee, and how I kept being harassed with complaints and CPS was on my case all the time. I TOLD you I needed help with a lawyer THEN, not AFTER they took him away, because it's harder then. But YOU didn't listen and again chose to take and believe YOUR own ideas about the justice system. You promised to help only if they actually took him away. If you had listened to me before, and believed me, this would have never happened to begin with, and I would have had a lawyer fix things before I ever even went to Canada. I even asked for help cleaning my house, from Holly or someone, because I was so ill and in so much pain I couldn't stand more than 10 minutes at a time. Suddenly, I'm "fine" now? Yeah, you're fucking right it doesn't add up. What do you think? I'm under more stress now than ever, but I'm just healthy now, out of the blue? You didn't believe me that something was going on before, and now you question why I'm "fit to work" now. You choose to believe what you want to believe. When I first met the monks, you doubted any monk was romantically interested in me, and thought that was in my head too, or I must misunderstand or be imagining things. But I was right, and got the evidence later, in the form of love letters from the monk. But it actually took LOVE LETTERS before you believed me, because you doubt EVERY single thing I say. Why? Because we've never had a relationship to begin with. That's YOUR fault. You can't ignore your child while they're living under your own roof, and do things for yourself all the time, and expect that child to suddenly be your friend when they're an adult. You had 18 years with me to be a real parent and to be a devoted or unselfish mother, and you never were. You were one of the most selfish people I've ever had to be around. And you both still are. You have constantly and consistently put MONEY before me and Levi too. You put yourselves first, and the first thing YOU did when you were almost divorced, was think about how to protect the MONEY and how to put accounts in your own name and other banks and in a different country.
All of THIS, my testimony about YOU and my family, will come out in court. Because they will be asking for your opinion and about HOlly and what my concerns are about my family.
I thought I would give it ONE more shot, in this situation, to at least see if you'd try to help with OLIVER, but even now, you put money first. And you think that maybe he's better with Holly because, probably, you think since she's a holy-roller, she is more "fit" and that his "spiritual" needs are met and THIS is a big reason why you refuse to help me. But guess what, as the mother, I have to right to state my concerns about HOlly and this family, and CPS will be happy to place him in a different family. They don't care about the "christian" background. You hope that maybe by having Oliver taken from me, I'll take my blog down, or stop writing, or become a different person, or that maybe with counseling and medication, I will become a better christian and be sedated and subdued and stop speaking up when I see others screwing other people or myself. You don't care about the right to free speech, you want me to conform. You don't care what others have done to ME and have never once offered to help me fight it. You claim I've lost all the legal battles and where has it gotten me, like, my attempt to fight the defamatory article written about me by the Willamette Week, which, BY THE WAY, was USED AGAINST me in CANADA as some kind of "proof" there's something wrong with me...and yet you never offered to support or HELP me in fighting the defamation. YOu just told me or expected me to do it alone. YOu wonder why I've lost so much, and yet don't even think about how you've never once lifted a hand to help me or support me. I CAN'T do it alone, but at least I tried, even without any family support. I knew what was snowballing and knew how it would affect my future, and I did my best, with ZERO support and help from you, and then after I try to fight an army single-handedly and lose, you BLAME me for even trying to fight it to begin with.
That's a bunch of b.s. NOT once did you try to help me with legal matters, or invest ONE penny towards trying to straighten the legal crap out. But you thought I should be able to do it alone and NOW, you blame me again. Everything is always about ME.
I'm not the daughter you want. Sorry. This is who I am and there is no mental illness. I'm just not a conformist like you, and I value my right to free speech. I have been an excellent mother to Oliver, which is what this is SUPPOSED to be about. But that's not what this is about. This isn't about how I've been a great mom and whether I can care for him. This is about YOU and other people, who are MAD at me or don't like what I say or write and want me to pipe down and hope medication will "fix" me. Oliver has always been happy, healthy, and safe with me. But that's not good enough. This is about society wanting to control ME, and using my son as leverage.
I've even had the FBI incident, which happened and there are witnesses to prove it, thrown at me as evidence of paranoid schitzophrenia as if it never happened. When I first mentioned the FBI is when doctors first claimed I was nuts. They simlpy didn't believe me even though it was all true. And of course the FBI covers their own and never wanted to admit it, even after I"ve made countless FOIA requests to prove this happened and find out how they decided to defend against me. If FBI agent Raul Bujanda was compelled to testify under oath, he would have to admit to what happened. He knows there is too much evidence stacked against him to deny he was at least involved with me. He knows he called my house and left countless messages on my answe4ring machine, and that people saw us out together. But he's safe because he and the FBI are hoping no one will ever call him or any of them to the stand. They are actually comfortable allowing this to happen to ME, knowing that what they did to me, is partly why I'm accused of not being fit now.
Do you really think a court-appointed attorney is going to ask any of these questions? No. He's from Wenatchee and hasn't liked some of the stuff I've written about people he knows personally in Wenatchee. Wenatchee was SUED by the ACLU and is still under a settlement agreement for having one of the worst and most deficient defense/justice systems in the entire nation. They are MONITORED for 7 years, by someone in the ACLU, until they fix their deficits. ONe of which was that they had far too many cases per lawyer to be effective counsel for their clients. Another was that people were not even getting a lawyer before arraingement and were pressured to make pleas and get sentencing by a judge beforre ever speaking to an attorney. And I know, when I was falsely accused, my own court appointed rep tried to have me agree I'd done the crime, when he KNEW and I TOLD HIM I had counseling records that proved my story and character witnesses who would vindicate me. But he didn't care, because the DA is his best friend and they pick and choose who to make deals over. If I had listened to YOU OR my own court appointed lawyer, I would currently have a criminal record for something I DIDN'T do. But no one cared. I had to stand up for myself, in the same way I'm standing up for both myself and my son now, and I'm alone.
But I would rather be totally alone and have everyone else trying to screw me while I'm a sitting duck, than compromise what I know to be the truth, just to make a few people happy, when I know I would be setting myself up for worse future problems. I have had far better insight and judgement about my circumstances than you ever have, and yet you pressure me to take YOUR advice and refuse to trust me.
Oliver is my life. But God doesn't ask me to lie, or conform, or be a people-pleaser using my son as bait. God gave me my life just as He gave Oliver life, and gave me a free will. When you attempt to take my free will away, or my voice, or my right to be who I am, and try to use what I love most to control me, it is a violation of my civil and moral rights. It is also a travesty that Oliver had a loving mother taken from him because of her political views and expressed opinions and the fact that I made some people mad. I would lay down my life, physically, I would DIE for Oliver, to save his own life. But I will not die to my conscience or to what I know the truth to be, for anyone, not even my own son. And I would never expect or ask him to do that for me. If that means he is stripped from me, and raised with another family, and told a bunch of lies about his own mother who loved him so much, so be it, because in the end, he will be old enough to start asking questions for himself, and he will come to me, and want to know who I am and what happened, and he will hear the truth for himself. And at that point, I would hope that if the worst thing happens, in the very end, he will have, if not his biological mother, a role model and inspiration, because this is very hard to come by these days. Esau sold his birthright for a bowl of soup. You could starve me of justice and I will not sell out. I have the right to happiness with my son, and he does as well, and he was happy with me. I'm sure that with conditioning and over time, he could learn to forget me and love another family. Certaintly society will be spared from the kind of values I would instill in my own son, which, gasp, could create another "dangerous activist" and problem for others. But when he is older, he will question all that he's been told, and when he is finally able to come to me he will find not only the mother who was his rightful mother all along, but a confidante, friend, and a great support and I hope, inspiration for integrity.
I am sorry that you feel your daughter is an "expense" and an embarressment. I don't think we have anything in common anymore. Through everything that's happened to me, while it's been unending and tragic, I have only become more resolute and strong.
To: cameocares@live.com
Subject: New Note from Holly re: Oliver
Date: Sun, 17 Feb 2008 10:52:08 -0500
From: dicksiedael@aol.com
Cameo, I thought you'd like to have this that came in email from Holly this morning.
On Oliver sucking his thumb, he does it when he's sleepy, he does it in the car when travelling some of the time, and he does it when we hold him to watch t.v. He doesn't just go walking around the house sucking his thumb. He is sleeping well at night - only woke up once last night, whined a moment and I told him it was o.k. that I was there, and he calmed right down to sleep again. We went to visit L.L. and Valentin for a bit last night, and he enjoyed playing with Gabe. Jaylen was there for a bit, but then had to leave. I also took him up to visit mom and dad in the a.m. yesterdy and he enjoyed being there. I went to take dad his stuff for Valentine's day. I had gotten mom an african violet and took it up on Valentine's day, but hadn't had a chance to get anything for dad. He took a nice, long nap yesterday too, 1 1/2 to 2 hours. When he got up he had half a banana and some juice and then we went for a short walk with Soldier. Pablo came by as we were going home, so stopped to give us a lift and took Oliver down with him to see the chickens. He likes them. All in all, I think he's doing really well. I give him a bath every other day and we got him a battery operated toothbrush for his teeth. I was going to get him one that is designed like a fire engine, and had lights that flash, but thought it was a little fat around for him to grasp. He likes to sit on the floor with Pepsi at night when I bring the dogs in and then he lays back on her side. He really likes animals. Soldier is a little more skittish and not as willing to let him get close. Andres got him a color book and crayons for Valentine's day but he hasn't colored in it yet. Just took all the crayons out of the box and played with them.
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