A Woman's Role In Society: Seize the Day

It is too bad about what has happened with my family, but sometimes you just have to cut ties because it's more harmful to be in touch. I didn't do this impulsively, and many things happened first, but like a marriage--even the best ones can completely unravel. Can you get it back? I'd like to think so, but the truth is, divorce is a remedy when your heart just cannot go through the motions anymore. When it is constantly more of a struggle and painful to stay with someone and it makes you unhappy all the time, no matter what others think, you do what you have to do.

That's how it is with my parents and family. It doesn't mean I don't have any good memories. I don't think most family breakdowns or divorce cause one to forget all the good, or all the positive qualities of a person--it's just that you know it is better, in some cases, to keep a clear distance.

My family doesn't respect my values or desires, and they have never been there for me, or supported me when I needed it most. They have truly been fairweather family. Like other relationships, with fairweather friends, unfortunately, my parents have been fairweather. As for my mother's side of the family, I didn't know what nuts they were until I moved closer and found out.

So when I write about good memories, I still keep those close to my heart. I can think about good times with my mother or father, and my father most, but I am also grounded enough to know that for me, the good doesn't outweigh the bad.

So with that, this morning, I played a song my father once told me to listen to, which he said reminded him of me, "Seize the Day" by Jennifer Knapp.

Even when I tried to keep peace and my parents thought everything was fine, when it came to being around them, I was unhappy.

So while I have outbursts of incredulity at some of the things they still do, and while I really feel, anymore, I almost hate them and I think they're horrible for how they've acted in this situation with my son, I also know this is my choice, and that I have been in counseling before, and there were always constant disappointments with them. It is not worth it, to me, to have much to do with them. I think they are shocked that for once, this is it. That I haven't changed my mind, and I think they may be realizing, for the first time, that I am not subjugating myself any longer just to be who they want me to be. People DO change, and while my parents believe I've changed for the worst, I have, despite all the crap, never been happier with myself and my choices.

Before, I was acting. I wasn't who I was really meant to be--I wasn't the fun-loving, rebellious, and high spirited little girl I had once been, who wasn't afraid to question anything and anyone. I had conformed to what I believed the world wanted me to be, as a woman, and I was miserable. What appeared to be christian gentility robbed me of my personality, freedom, and joy.

While I wish I could have it all, if I am going to choose between making my parents happy and making myself happy, I choose ME.

I have since seen the return of everything I once was, which others and even society at large, attempted to suppress. I am honest with myself and that is what's important. I realized, after writing my "epiphany", how miserable and trapped I felt to think I would have to act out a lie. I began having anxiety just contemplating it, and more than that, I became very sad. I realized, this is unjustified--there is no need to do this to yourself. People either take it or leave it. You can't please everyone, and you must choose what is most important to you--your family's desires for you, or your dreams for yourself.

I believe God will honor my choice.

I have constantly, throughout my life, apologized for things I shouldn't have, and didn't need to apologize for. At this point, as my family abandoned me, listening to people speak about "tough love" as if I were 10 years old, they are mistaken to think I will be making any kind of change of mind and return with my tail between my legs. If anyone owes someone an apology, I believe I deserve an apology from my family. And, based on our history, I can firmly say this will never happen, which is why I was always forced to be the peacemaker in the past, and to do that, they wanted me to say I was the one wrong, and let them off the hook.

Don't ever doubt yourself. Even if your own family turns their back on you, when "God closes one door, He opens another." I stood inbetween the doors, and waited for them, so many times, to come through for me and they never did, and finally, I realized it was time to walk through a different door and leave the pain and suffering behind. I do not regret this, and I am happy with my choices.

For my parents, my message to you, is that if you are to ever have a daughter, you will have to accept her for who she is, and take the entire package. You do not get to decide for me, what my choices are, and you do not have the right to pressure an adult woman to conform to your ideals or desires. You will have to lay aside your pride and your attempts to make me out to be something I'm not, to get others on your side in sympathy. I am nothing like you, and I didn't like who I had to be around you and I'm happy now. I hope you can learn to be content with yourselves, and that someday you will allow others to be free.

Seize the Day.

I also think, it might help you, if you enjoy reading history, to familiarize yourselves with what an activist is. I consider myself, by definition, to be an activist as the situation arises or call for it. It doesn't make someone "popular" but it makes me happy to do what I feel I should be doing. Activists always make enemies because they challenge the status quo. It is not a bad thing to be hated by many, if you know in your heart that you are doing something to further social justice.

You could familiarize yourselves with the women's rights movement and begin to also examine what activism is about, and you must come to terms with the fact that your daughter is different, and chooses to be different, and that this is the course she always wanted to take but felt too oppressed to choose freely.

By the way, Dad, you were the one who promised me you would pay for a private attorney and all costs if anyone took my son away.

You were also the one to tell me to give up my own son from adoption from the beginning, because you didn't think it "looked good" and that a "family" should consist of a mother and father.

You are going to have to readjust your thinking because in this country, there are many different kinds of "families" and I chose to keep my son for a reason. I am a single mother, and if I am not religious like you, you are going to have to accept that. If you choose not to accept that, you may end up alienating yourself from your daughter and grandson, forever.

I gave you grace, after you left me to the state's hands while I was innocent and in jail. You even told me to just take a guilty plea to get it over with. You weren't thinking about my best interests, and could not see the future clearly. You still have a problem with that, with regard to the best interests of my son.

You owe me an apology for what you've done, and failed to do, as my only father, and one who made promises you broke later. But, as I have never seen you do this before, and I've always been the one who had to apologize to make peace, I know this will never happen.

It is not your choice, or decision, as to whether my son will be raised "to know God". I remember, telling you all these wonderful things about your grandson and the only thing you had to say to me in response, after hearing all the things I was doing for him, was "Does he know his heavenly father?" and "Are you raising him to meet his spiritual needs?"

Whatever you think my son's spiritual needs are, he is not your son. And also, YOU are not God. You need to come to terms with the fact that you do not control me any longer, and that your reign of terror, basically, is over. Both you and Mom always pressured me to do what YOU wanted me to do, even when it didn't make me happy and was the opposite of what I believe God wanted me to do. You need to come to terms with the fact that you do not have a say in my son's religious upbringing. God gave you a daughter and a son, and you raised them in a way most people would not choose, but you did what you felt was best.

You need to honor the same rights that God gave to me, when I chose to keep my son. I'm sorry for your loss.

Oh, for anyone else, the song Seize the Day was originally by Carolyn Arends.