Miscarriage of My Baby

I'm sure there are a lot of people, even those who are on my side,who will think this is for the better, but I wanted that baby. I don't want to go out and try to get pregnant again--I wanted, and cared about that baby. It was a fluke, but it was also a miracle, and one bright spot in all of the horrible things I've had to go through. I loved my baby. I don't understand how I could know it was special, even knowing the exact time of conception, and then lose this, but I did, and I have myself to blame for part of it. Despite the fact I don't even speak to the father, if I could back to recreate that one moment, I would. It was special.

The baby was 11 weeks and 1 day. I went to ER again because of all the water coming out still, and because of back pain, and they recommended MRI. I was told there were risks, but it's generally safe, and we were almost out of 1st trimester, and the main problems are birth abnormalities if anything. I took a chance because I thought it would help me to prove my disabilities and then better protect THIS baby by knowing what to expect,and then be a way to get my son back as well. I never would have accepted the risks, if I had not been so desperate to get my son back,and to keep this one alive. I didn't want to miscarry and figured if I had documentation, I could go on partial disablity to protect this pregnancy. The pain has been very severe when I'm standing or walking and I knew it would only get worse.

So we did it, and the baby's heartbeat couldn't be found afterwords. Almost immediately, I no longer urges to eat, and by this morning my breasts are full but not sore like they were yesterday, growing to provide food for the baby.

They tried to say it wasn't from the MRI and how can we really know, and while it doesn't appear to be the main risk, I know this is what stopped my baby's heart.

I had been in that tunnel, praying, please, to God, to keep the baby safe, and told the baby to hold on because we were going to get it's little brother(my son). I said, with tears streaming down my cheeks, in that tunnel, "We're going to get your baby brother back."

After the MRI, my heart was racing and I had a headache I didn't have before.

I now have nothing. They made me lay around for almost 5 hours without giving me a sedative and then my friend came and part of the time I didn't even speak. The rest of the time I talked normally, and then I burst into tears. They finally gave me Ativan and I fell asleep. They wrote a prescription for Xanax which I probably will not take because I'm still working on getting my son back and proving he was improperly removed from me.

I may not be able to have kids again. I wanted this one,and then I was done. I was happy, and this pregnancy made me happy. I was prepared to leave the country to protect this one, and then fight for my son from another place where I was able to get on my feet better. I went to one embassy and they didn't have any problem taking me for political asylum and didn't doubt me. I had to fill out more forms. I was going to look into one other place,and then make a decision.

In some ways, things are easier without another one on the way, and I'm guessing all the pain and problems will go away. But still, I don't understand why I never have anything good happen to me--ever.

It's always a taste of something good,and then it's taken from me.

They sent me home to automatically miscarry on my own. They scheduled a D & C for Tuesday because they believe this is not an emergency. They basically don't care if I bleed on my own and have to see my baby. On sonogram,every part of it looked healthy and good. There was nothing wrong with it.

I had all my pregnancy symptoms before the MRI, and now they're leaving. I still question what all the water was about because I also couldn't keep hydrated, no matter what I drank.

The only thing I can take from this, is that I know it happens to other people and they felt their pregnancy was special too. I also know I did what I thought was best at the time, and didn't know one of the risks was heart failure.

I am sorry for my son that he won't have this playmate and friend.

I hope I can get pregnant again, and that the circumstances are better, but I'm getting older too...I'm 34.

I haven't been sexually intimate with anyone except the father of the baby,who was known. The last time I was with him, was once after conception, sometime in early October, and it has been all this time that I've been with no one, even though I knew I could have gone back to him from time to time, if I'd wanted to.

I was just content to have my baby and to live to protect it, and get my son back. The father had blond hair (flaxen when a child)and blue eyes, and I thought was good-looking. His face was sort of angular and he had a nice physique. He was very smart and could be witty, but he was also bad news in other ways, so I distanced myself. If he'd been able to change, I would have let him be involved. I had too many warning signs about him. I loved the baby though, and knew it would have been special. I would have been happy with a girl or a boy.

I'm sorry for those people who miscarry later than this, or who have a stillbirth or a baby that dies shortly after birth. You think everything is going to be fine, past a particular point, and it seems like a special gift that is taken back.

I am thinking too that the feelings I felt which I thought were the baby were maybe gas, because I had them after the baby had died. One thing I wondered about,when I saw the sonograms, was always why the baby was so quiet. My son had been actively moving all over whenever he was viewed,and this one was curled up and quiet. But I saw the head and features, and it looked good, aside from no heartbeat.\

The father of the baby was the "spiderman" I refer to: Chris Dabney. Though I knew him longer, he was the only one I was with, for two months prior to conception. Then, following conception, I was with him once more, and then no one--not even him up until this day.

I'm not planning to get pregnant again, and that one was a miracle, I just wish I could repeat the exact same thing and have the exact same baby. I wanted that baby, in particular, and I knew it would have been a bright, busy, and beautiful little child. Very curious, I'm certain.

I guess I'll probably keep it when I miscarry and bury it on my own. I don't know where. I may check to see if I can find out if it was a boy or a girl, name it, and then bury it.