Plans

I walked a long distance this morning, by myself, to Starbucks. I bought two newspapers: The New York Times and The Washington Post. As I began reading, a song Eva Kassidy covers came on, "Fields of Gold". I had listened to this song over and over when I was pregnant with my last baby, thinking about my son as well. I almost began to cry, but I didn't. I really like the song. It means something to me but I don't know why.

Last night I couldn't sleep. I took one Xanax and it worked for the first few hours, in putting me to sleep, and then I awoke, with my son on my mind and the short dream Judge Hotchkiss and CPS in Wenatchee had done another unstabilizing thing to him. I had to take another Xanax to fall asleep.

I am grieving for many things. I burst into tears, and yet I hold up too. I am no different now than I was before. I am the same strong and sturdy person. I was thinking today, "How in the world is it possible I will be "rich"?" as I was walking along a road in a so-so area, in the same clothes I've had for the last several months--one of maybe 3 outfits I own. I have no job, no way to go back to school, few friends, no one helping me with my son, no car, no family, and one of my baby's died while the other was taken from me and I am not even allowed to speak with him. For some reason though, I don't know how it is going to happen, but I believe it will happen. Unless someone steps up for me and my son here, shortly, I cannot believe it will happen in the U.S. I will have to come into money, or raise money myself, and write my books, from another country.

I don't know where I'm going yet. I feel it's pointless almost to get a job here in the U.S. Everytime I do, I am forced out by people with ties to the Catholic church who make complaints falsely and try to sabotage my work. It has been happening for years. It is the truth too, and not a figment of my imagination.

If I work at all, it will be to save money to get a passport to get out. And if I work while I'm here, I'm going to sing.

My plans are always with my son in mind.

I am going to a country that will provide some sanctuary and will help me to publish books. I am going to write and I am going to sing, and if there is a need for teaching English pronunciation, I will do that too.

I am not joining a faction, or military group, or a new religion or set of politics. I wish to go to a country where I respect them and their rights and culture, and where they will basically just allow me to be me. I'm not interested in reporting about another culture, and if I go to a Muslim country, there is no way any American is going to convince me to pass them information, about ANYTHING, after what has been done to me and my son. I'm not renouncing my citizenship, but I am saying it has not been safe for me and my son and no one helped us. Another country may be interested in helping me accomplish what I need to do to get on my feet and make a lot of money, and then come back to the U.S. and finish what was started.

My goal is not to leave the U.S. permanently, but to come back strengthened, and with the insights of another culture as well. I will always be thankful and loyal to any country that provides me this opportunity to raise money to get my son. My goal in becoming rich is to fight the system and the bullies who have beat me down and taken my son, and I am going to get everything back on MY TERMS. Not theirs. They took my son illegally and illegal things have been done to me.

I am fighting this first, so that I and my son are strengthened, and then with whatever support or money I have, my passion is for the poor and oppressed. I prayed to God that he would humble me first, so that if I ever was rich or powerful in any way, I would not forget the struggles of the poor and I would know what it is to walk in those shoes. I have, since this prayer, gained the wisdom and insight to be able to accomplish a lot for these people, domestically and internationally. I also know I have been tested and have not been corruptible, in that no one has been able to buy me, or buy my silence, or convert me to another side, just for the safety or power. I believe I am stronger after everything that has happened, and it puts me in a position where people will believe me and can trust me--that their struggles have been my struggles as well.

I had an idea a long time ago, to form a non-profit for filing lawsuits on behalf of the oppressed, and to fight corporate crime, and this is still something I'd like to do, even if I am not a lawyer. If I can get the money, I'll try to find the lawyers who are basically pure of heart, and willing to go out on a limb for others.

I also believe I have the ability to organize people. I haven't done it in a long time, and never on a larger scale, but I know the power of a protest, and forming "cells" of people who challenge and encourage eachother to get involved, to assist Obama in this "change" is needed. Obama is one person, and he's not able to venture out as much as he would like to, perhaps, for fear of seeming too radical. He's compromising with those who run the plutocracy.

We need an army of people who are going to go after those who hold the strings, and these people and corporations must be brought down. There is no safety or stability in a nation that is corrupt. The U.S. has a slick veneer, but is corrupt beneath the surface and it's not the politicians who will save it either.

Despite my problems with certain people in the catholic church, I count among my friends, ALL of the poor and oppressed, catholic or not. I don't care if someone wears a rosary or has a crucifix hanging from their car mirror. I notice when I'm harassed AND THEN I see these things, of course, but for example, the hispanic and latino culture, is culturally catholic, and I feel their struggles as acutely as my own and want better things for them. I know about the prejudice, because people even say to ME, things about "the hispanics" and I take the opportunity then to proudly tell them, "Oh, my son is half Mexican, and he is just so adorable. His father is from Mexico. Uh-huh." They usually get quiet or start asking questions.

But black, white, brown--it doesn't matter, the country is being run by people who don't care about the justice system or the people. The U.S. is a plutocracy, and now it's becoming a socialist plutocracy. Welfare for the rich. This is ridiculous. You can find many, many, articles from others who are more educated and worldly than I am, who agree and have written about this plutocracy. It's just the truth.

I don't feel like I could go to a Latin American country, although I would probably like this best. I'd be too afraid of some radical sect wanting to kill me. I really like the culture though, and one of the first fictional books I want to write, is something that blends my culture and what I know, with what I know about the Mexican or latin culture. My grandmother used to say, "I am Mexican in my heart" (she is Luxembourgish and Scottish/English) and I feel the same way sometimes. I like the passion of the culture, the food, and the family ideals. My ideals of family are more like those of Italian, Latin, or even Asian cultures. I guess Middle Eastern too. I believe in more bonding with family than is traditional in the U.S.