Dream Last Night & Energy

I am tired. I keep feeling like fate gets thwarted somehow. I cannot see what is happening and what choices would save my son and could possibly break through and bring him to me. There is absolutely nothing I can do...It doesn't matter how good of a mom I am--they don't care. I feel discouraged but I still have hope, and I have no rational idea why. I should be so depressed and really, I am shocked I'm NOT in a mental institution, after going through all of this. I didn't even know how strong God could be in me and I think if I didn't believe, I don't know what would have happened to me.

Anyway, deep heavy thoughts for the morning.

I had a dream but it felt very insignificant. No images and just a regular type of dream.

I was with a man in a hotel and we were doing something, I don't know what, but I was pretending to be married to him, and we weren't letting anyone else know. I don't know why. It was very platonic, and I'm not sure what we were doing, but then this woman came in and she suspected and said we weren't really married. She said, "You seem more like brother and sister to me" and I moved over to his side and said, "Well we're not." But really, we were and it was all platonic but I don't know what the point was. And the whole time I was heading off suspicions and did a pretty good job. Then, for some reason, I was in a car and it lost the brakes and just rolled backwards and hit a wall and no one was hurt.

Oh, I do remember at one point, this woman was still prying and trying to get information and she invited us to sit down and chat over coffee and I put on this act, very cheerful and said I'd love to, but said sitting really aggravated my herniated disc. So I gave her this big kiss which was intended for her cheek, and she turned her head and I got her lips. She said, "You kissed me on the mouth!" and I waved it off laughing and said we had to go.

Then I was out of the hotel and it was some very high highrise type of hotel so maybe it was an apartment? and then I was down on the pavement or in the city and everyone was on a bike. I was on a bike too.

I think this dream was from what I was reading the night before because in The National Geographic, there was a section that showed these new lights for bicycles in Oregon, but I have no idea.

So I was riding a dirt bike or hybrid bike and thinking this was not going very fast and there was a blond woman who had a very nice street bike. It was sort of like we were friends or there was no jealousy at all. She was very pretty and tall with long blond hair tied up or in a knot. She had the longest most streamlined bike I'd ever seen. She was maybe early 20s to 30 or so. She was looking straight ahead and I looked over at her but then I was looking straight ahead too. I was kind of checking out her bike and thinking I might need to get one like that. I remember I had to stand up and rest on the pedals to get mine going and then it was going and she and I were side by side, and then there was a pack all around us, but I only remember her but I don't know who she was and I couldn't see a face at all. I didn't get the impression that it was Princess Di. Lol. It was a younger woman I don't know. She sort of reminded me of Christie Brinkley or this old high school friend Erika Wiltbank, who sort of reminds me of Brinkley.

Then I woke up. That was it.
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I am looking up work opportunities today. I missed a doctor appointment or called to reschedule and it's fine, but it was totally my fault. At any rate, my head scan was done and they did a spine scan of my cervical spine because it was recommended as there is a little pinch maybe? to the spinal fluid or something? had to be looked at more so I'll find out next week. My brain looks pretty good. It was really weird, because in this one frame, there was this white space that spelled out G-O-D. So strange, and I asked the doctor if this was normal or not and he just said it wouldn't be normal if the white spaces were reeally big butterflies because then he said it would mean there was more damage or aging. So I guess the other little quirks to my brain were okay. I was wondering if there was going to be a really big bright colorful spot where imagination is processed but everything was black and white. I guess you need a PET scan for the colors. I wonder if one can assess I.Q. or acquired skills through looking at an MRI? I have no idea. There was also spinal fluid around the periphery of my brain and they thought it might be normal, some kind of normal thing...I forgot the name of it. The cervical thing was done for this part where at the C-3 it thins and there isn't bright white for spinal fluid. I guess there was no big evidence of damage from migraine, which I'm really surprised by but that's fine. I have no idea but I do have them! My eye even droops but I guess there's no lasting damage, which is a huge miracle. Even my memory areas are intact, which, considering what me and my son went through, is an enormous miracle. I'm sort of curious about what it would do or mean if the spinal fluid has a hard time getting out of or around, or however that works, around the C-3. I had migraines before my auto accident I think, but I can't remember. I think it was mainly after the accident and I always push the back of my neck, where the fusion is. I wonder if anything from the C-3 could affect migraine or make them more susceptible. I have problems sometimes with tingling in my feet and a few other things so maybe this is why. I don't know. He said he would guess more brain shrinkage from aging but that my brain was right up along the skull or whatever, no shrinkage. I still swear, there is probably a difference between my CT scan I had a long time ago and this one, but who knows. I know it depends sometimes on how the scan is done and who is doing the reading of the scan too. At least I find I have no brain tumor or anything! I still think it's a miracle. I also DO feel that a PET would show a lot more, about how my brain is metabolizing glucose and that sort of thing, because so many times, my labs for blood came up really abnormal. So I figure, if the blood is showing abnormalities in very low alkaline phosphate, or glucose, and potassium, it probably also affects the brain and there might be more that would show up on a PET. Also, I found out, things which would trigger seizures would be found on a PET. I do think it would be very helpful to find out. The PET would show more about how well the brain is actively working and how it prcesses different chemicals. I would be interested in knowing actually. I also know my son was definitely affected by what happened to us and he hasn't been the same since, with his speech, but his speech issues may also be partly from brain trauma at birth. I don't really think so, because he was so advanced so early and then his problems began the same time I had health issues where we were.

So this is good, basically. However, now it will be all about my having smoe mental issue when I don't have a mental illness or a psychological one that is. At least my memory is showing it's intact, so I'm able to say something about that. Also, actually, I think PET detects changes which occur from mental illness. An MRI does not, but people who actually do have serious mental disorders, like schitzophrenia, have changes in the metabolism and in their brain which show up, not on MRI but on PET. The mental illness DO and WILL show up on PET scans because the brain actually becomes disorganized and changes occur. It won't show up on MRI though, because MRI only looks at muscular damage, to the tissue or this kind of thing. I really think I need a PET before any assumptions are made but this doctor said an MRI would be a pre-requisite. At any rate, it is very good to know, that a PET WILL give positive or negative evidence of any kind of "organic illness".

I'll include a little information about PETs here: "It has been scientifically proven that mental illnesses arise from chemical imbalances in the brain. A PET scan of the brain of an average person compared to a person with mental illness would show that certain areas of the brain lack chemical activity required to maintain mental health." http://www.gather.com/viewArticle.action?articleId=281474976906693

Here are a few links about how schitzophrenia is diagnosed: http://www.revolutionhealth.com/conditions/cancer/non-hodgkins-lymphoma/exams-tests/pet. If someone argues they do not have this, the truth can be discovered through a simple PET. Plain and simple.

Anyway, I'm not taking any brain damaging drugs when I don't have a mental illness. Especially, I'm not taking something for anything severe which could be identified through a PET first.

All of the research says any of the mental illness the state wanted to claim I had, can be affirmatively decided through a PET. Or, it can be affirmatively ruled out. A PET is also the scan which will show if there was any damage from seizures. So, I believe, a PET is absolutely necessary if the state wants to continue any kind of claim against me! And hey! If I'm nuts, well, let's get the evidence out there for everyone to see! I will proudly wave my PET around. "I'm nuts! I'm really truly nuts!"

Hey! I'm just reading something that shows MRI will even pick up signs of schitzophrenia! I think PET is better but look at this....They used an MRI for finding the disease. radiology.med.sc.edu/mental%20illness.ppt. I found it here and then it's on pdf form.

I'm listening to stage music and I had no idea that there was an actual song for "Well's Fargo".

I love this song "Stuck Here In The Middle With You"
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Starting to feel the good energy again. Not that I was having a bad feeling at all but something is better. Not super strong, just steady and calm.

I also wanted to say, on a totally separate note, that I have noticed someone new in town who I hadn't seen before who my son seemed to like, which I thought was good. I can tell when my son really likes someone, but I don't know how my son knew him. He was tall and that's all I remember.