Going Through Stages

I'm not going on anti-anxiety or anti-depressant medications. I might take a pill or two for short term, but I want my mind to be clear.

Medicating, for some people, just delays the processing of things and moving on. I don't need to talk to a counselor either. I don't need anyone helping me to understand why it happened. All I have to do is talk about it a little, and write, and, having a level head on my shoulders and a strong consitution,I accept thing and move on. I think I've already been through shock, grief, and acceptance. I never went through an "angry" phase, because I knew everyone was doing what they thought was best at that moment. I have nothing to be angry about.

I may not go back for the D&C. They said if you don't, you can get an infection if it doesn't all pass, but it will pass fine. I'm scared of the pain, but when they asked me if they could examine my cervix the last time, there, I said no. I didn't want anyone putting their hands or anything else into me anymore. I just wanted them to leave my body alone.

There was a Russian OBGYN who talked to me for awhile and she was helpful. She understood what I was saying and wanted to know more about my damages from my first childbirth.

A different neurologist told me I should sue,just because of the prolapse problem alone.

If I could take it back, my decision to sign the release, I would. I want my baby back, but there is nothing to do now but know...what?

A whole group of assholes has been holding my son hostage, on illegal grounds, for months.

There is very little to look forward to, because I do not expect to see any kind of justice here. I've tried, and that is why I went to an embassy. Any other country can see what's happened to me is wrong, and people in my own company too. But no one here has done anything to fix the corruption or help me. No one cares.

The FBI, even, is happy to rest with whatever slander has been made about me. I was threatening them with a lawsuit for "obstruction of justice", attempting to conceal a crime,and "coercion",and a number of other things before my son and I began to suffer from the health problems.

My friend, "Mark", believe me about everything. Probably because he's one of very few who DO know me that well. My family doesn't know me and I never talked to them because they never understood me, but a couple of friends I've had since I was 15 know me very well, and it makes me happy to know one who I considered to be my best friend, is still a best friend.

I think if people knew me the way he does, in all circustances, and over time, people would understand me better and believe me too.