Letter To My Son December 1, 2008

To my son:

I want you to know, that I think about you day and night. This is mama, and I love you more than life itself. Nothing has made me happier, in my life, than having you and being with you.

I know you need me and want to be with me, and I've done everything in my power to fight for you, but there are people who do not want us to win.

You are going to have a brother or sister who will also be fighting for you and I know you will be an excellent brother. Someday you are going to be with us.

It breaks my heart to see what they have done to you, and how I have been prevented from even talking to you over the phone, when you had just been able to articulate the words "mama" and "mommy" and said it over and over to me. I know you understand a lot more than they think you understand and that you're very smart. We know you were able to speak before, and that something happened, but that is alright--you still have the same heart and the same abilities of comprehension.

No one can take your place. There is nothing anyone could do for me, that would fill the hole left when they took us from eachother. I tried my best to protect you, but I also felt a responsibility to use the information and gifts God gave me, to make reports of misconduct and illegal activity when I was witness, and to always bear witness to the truth.

I choose you, but I also choose integrity and it is not our fault that I am punished for this. I question whether I've done the right thing, but if our trauma and misery, in any way, contributes to the greater good and happiness of others, and cleans up corruption, you are no less than a hero for what you've endured. You are a hero regardless and I count you as my best friend as well as my son.

I am, to this day, fighting tooth and nail, to the best of my ability, to get you back and to clear my own name. If I cannot clear my own name, there will never be a chance for us to prosper and it may ruin the chances of our ever being together again.

I am thinking about your long-term best interests, despite my desire to forsake the entire future and throw it all away, just to be with you again for one day. If I could, I would sell my birthright for that one day--but I can't, because I know there are many other days ahead of us, and I must keep my head on straight and consider what consquences would be, if I were do whatever I wanted at this moment.

I am going to be writing you letters every day, until you are with me again. I will publish some of them online and others will be placed in safekeeping for you to have when you are older.

I'm not giving up, I am fighting harder. But I am outnumbered and I do not have the money or the suppport, to date, that I need to prove what I need to prove. I've made many enemies here and others are not smart enough or worldly enough, to understand what we've been through.

You are special. I knew, from the womb, you were meant to do great things. You are a gift from God and I know you have been made to suffer at a very young age. Kids forget, they say, and are "resilient", but we know better. We know you've been traumatized and have suffered at a crucial time in your development and that there will be scars. When you are old enough, I will heal every one of those scars. We will talk and you will know who I really am, and what I was willing to do for you. God has given your mother the ability to even create miracles, it's just not at will. I've seen miracles happen, but they are always for others, and the greatest one, I pray to God, is reserved for you.

I keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

I am not waiting for you. I want you to know I am fighting for you. We have the world against us, it seems, but God is on our side.

God knows, and is on our side.

I love you.

I want you to know, I do not even know where I am going to live, work, and how I will eat, in the next few days, but I put my time and energy into writing complaints in order to get you back. I would rather end up in a homeless shelter and have these things out of the way, tools to fight with, than to be in a nice house and comfortable, but too tired to do anything on your behalf. I am using what I have and doing what I can do. And, you will find, your mother always lands on her feet. I do not have to know, always, where I am going...

We walk by faith.

We live by faith.

Love,

Mama