My Dream Last Night, Plans, & Music Analysis

Reality is sinking in more. I have even fewer symptoms. The breast tenderness is almost gone entirely. I noticed it changed right after the MRI. I'm no longer hungry like before. And I don't have the same pressure pain in my stomach, back, and the prolapse stuff doesn't seem as bad.

Still, last night I had a beautiful dream. In my dream I was in love with someone, and they were in love with me, and we were getting ready for a camping trip (I'm not a fan of camping) but I started thinking I'd have time with him. As we got ready, he was standing next to me and I just wanted him. So I told him so and, knowing everything that had happened to me, he wanted me too. Even though he knew pregnancy hurt my body, and there was a chance I could become pregnant again, he knew how badly I had wanted my baby and that I wanted another. And then he began to make love to me, and was very careful, and it was so beautiful but then right in the middle, we stopped because there was this man who had come out of nowhere (bigger, white guy) and was hiding behind the horse stall in the barn (for some reason we were in a barn). We didn't want him to watch and then something else happened, but I don't remember what, and I woke up.

I woke up to knowing there really is no heartbeat, because my body is showing more signs of nothingness. But it meant something to me, in that dream, that I was in love with someone, and it was mutual, and we were willing to take things on together.

My first song of the day this morning has been Scott MacKenzie's "San Francisco (Be Sure To Wear Some Flowers In Your Hair)". I don't know why it came to mind, but I've played it a few times.

I know I can handle a pregnancy, but the pain is very bad because, I guess, of the prolapse and other things. It's not at all the way it was the first pregnancy. It's very difficult. I knew I was going to have to be on bedrest at some point, and I didn't know how to do this, without being married, and no disability income, and I was not going to go on state assistance after what the state has done to me. I refused to even take food stamps when I could have used them.

My roommate asked me if I was just trying to tempt fate by getting pregnant and not having an abortion. Over and over he was pushing this and I told him to stop because it was not an option for me and it greatly distressed me to have him go on about it when it. I told him I would never get over it and never forgive myself and that no matter how awkward the timing was now, I was okay with this. He asked me if I was, basically, a glutton for pain and said his ex-wife had wanted to get pregnant when the doctors told her she couldn't, just to prove something. He said she kept wanting to get pregnant, and it was nuts. I told him I had nothing to prove. I have always wanted children and I wasn't trying to get pregnant anyway. It happened and I didn't even think it was possible because I wasn't having periods and I wasn't even ovulating I didn't think.

But I do want to have another baby, and a sibling for my son. And I am going to have my family.

I am pretty much done and decided about leaving the country. My objective is finding which country will be most supportive about my attempts to immediately begin writing books and publishing. I need a receptive publishing company and a supportive country. I will be more than happy to credit them for giving me an opportunity to work, and give them some of the proceeds.

I would really like to find a country that might give me a small stipend so I am free to write and have time and energy to get it done. I have so many things to worry about here. Of course, I'll use my money to get my son back and fight to hold certain groups accountable. Maybe there is a country out there that would like to see a David fighting the Goliath. Because obviously, there is not even one David here in the U.S. willing to stand for me. Everyone is afraid. I'm not afraid.

I don't want to sit around on my butt with a stipend. I could make an agreement with a country that I actually produce a book within a certain timeframe or show them some of the work as it's in progress. I don't mind.

Now I'm listening to "A Whiter Shade of Pale" by Procol Harum. Lyrics, with 2 verses not recorded but often played in concert, below. I really like the additional verses:

We skipped the light fandango
turned cartwheels 'cross the floor
I was feeling kinda seasick
but the crowd called out for more
The room was humming harder
as the ceiling flew away
When we called out for another drink
the waiter brought a tray

And so it was that later
as the miller told his tale
that her face, at first just ghostly,
turned a whiter shade of pale

She said, 'There is no reason
and the truth is plain to see.'
But I wandered through my playing cards
and would not let her be
one of sixteen vestal virgins
who were leaving for the coast
and although my eyes were open
they might have just as well've been closed

She said, 'I'm home on shore leave,'
though in truth we were at sea
so I took her by the looking glass
and forced her to agree
saying, 'You must be the mermaid
who took Neptune for a ride.'
But she smiled at me so sadly
that my anger straightway died

If music be the food of love [see note, left, about this verse + its opening]
then laughter is its queen
and likewise if behind is in front
then dirt in truth is clean
My mouth by then like cardboard
seemed to slip straight through my head
So we crash-dived straightway quickly
and attacked the ocean bed
******************************************

I would like to live in the UK, in England I think, but I'm too afraid some freak faction of whatever has chased me around in the U.S. would be too free to move there as well. It's also very close to the Irish conflict stuff, and while I take no sides, I'm sure some could claim to disagree. I just imagine if I've had problems with certain people of a certain church, going to a country where there are just as many, and where others might be able to be provoked, isn't a good idea.

I would like a lot of things about England though. It was tempting when I heard these gentlemen speak about York. I would go there, or even to Scotland as I've heard good things about Gordon Brown, but I'm still afraid of small factions interferring. I just don't know where I would be safe and able to prosper best. It's not like I have a security team of any kind. If I did, they would probably all just end up wanting to screw me and take me to bed, and that's no solution.


Listening to Percy Sledge now, "When A Man Loves A Woman".

I've just listened to several versions of "Whiter Shade of Pale" and the original is the best, I think. The organ is half of what makes it. Sarah Brightman's version is weak and lacks the haunting quality, and she's so melodramatic and hasn't the right mood for the song. She sings it like The National Anthem. Annie Lennox's version is better, but it sounds like a winter wonderland christmas song. The tinkling little bell-like sounds in the beginning. Her voice is appropriately meloncholic, but the synthesizer doesn't match what the organ accomplishes. If Lennox had put this song out first, it wouldn't have gone anywhere. Both the voice and the music blend together flawlessly with the lyrics in the original. It's all fitting. The other versions are lacking. Even the way he phrases and says things like "feeling kind of seasick", he says this emoting how someone would feel as if they were sick. He fully takes the lyrics and interprets them and blows meaning into them with emotion. And you just can't get away from that organ. Anyone who tries is an idiot. I wonder if someone has tried a different arrangment, or with multiple organs, or in a different key, or something different, but with the same mood. There are some songs you can alter the meaning to, by changing tone, but not this one. It sounds stupid as a pop tart song with uplifting and light tinkly instruments and voices.

I guess I'll have to listen for more versions, out of curiosity. And then I'll listen to "Nights In White Satin".

I need coffee first, and a look at the papers. My goals today are to do things I enjoy, like analyzing music and literature and thinking about things. I am also going to mail the complaint to the Washington State Bar today, and I will make some calls about singing jobs. I have to find something already established if I'm to make money right away. I'd like to dabble on the side, but I have to plug into an established gig if I'm to make fast money. And, I'm calling a couple of other embassy's and just asking about their policies on political refugee status from the U.S. (I've had problems with the government--state AND federal, so some countries don't want to piss the U.S. off by agreeing with me that I've had all my civil rights violated). And I am finishing the human rights complaint today as well.