No Cars Driving By, On Having Children, and Marriage

Okay, I talked to my friend and he was just kidding. He said there isn't anyone driving by, but that because he believes me, he doesn't want this to happen and doesn't want to give anyone ideas as to his identity.

His wife also had a miscarriage a few years ago.

I know it's really hard on everyone, but it's a little different for me because it's not like I'm married and can just "try again". And I'm not looking for just "anyone" to have a baby with, and don't want to have sex with someone just to have it. I started sort of liking this person, even if it was a fling in my mind and I wasn't serious, and then when I accidentally became pregnant, I was happy about it. I'm not looking for another fling and I'm getting older by now, and I was happy about the other because I didn't think I could become pregnant at all because I was barely having periods. When I did, I figured it might be my last chance, and I was happy to have one more, even though the timing wasn't perfect.

I'm not on my feet financially, but there are a lot of people who ARE on their feet financially, who have fertility problems. I'd rather have one more child.

So, it's not like I'm going through this with someone I love. I'm going through miscarriage alone, and I don't have anyone I love to have more family with.

I tried taking Xanax last night. I wasn't going to but I couldn't sleep. I feel fine this morning. It's much milder than klonapin, which leaves you groggy.

There were very serious concerns about the father, some I haven't fully processed, but serious. But I knew genetically the child would be okay and I actually think would have been an interesting child. He's pretty out there in defying social norms as am I, and is smart, and it would have been an interesting child. I would have been happy to either live abroad with my child to raise money and get my son back, or come back later and take child support from the father and work on my own as well.

I suppose it's a blessing to him. Maybe God cared more about sparing him, than me and what I wanted this time.

Then again, my body was really hurting and I don't know how I could have gone through without bedrest and I don't have anyone to care for me on bedrest.

The other thing that I find odd, is the doctors said there was "nothing" on the MRI, but something is wrong with that, because they said they didn't even see a broken tailbone or herniated disc, and if they didn't see these things, which are documented, something isn't right or the resolution was really bad. I didn't have contrast because I was pregnant. I am still going to have to get another MRI but from a better doctor and one with contrast.

There is no way the tailbone healed itself when it still hurts all the time and was displaced so it COULDN'T heal. Same thing with the herniated disc.

Unless, like the Wenatchee PUD man was telling me, magnetic electrical waves "fuse" bones and cause them to heal together with the heat.

Is that why someone would do that to me and my son? to try to eliminate evidence of fractures and broken bones?

The one thing I am relieved about, is not having to worry about someone harming or taking away my next child from me. I'm also not going to be divided in my focus of reporting and finishing complaints against the state and others who have been involved in violating my civil rights. I can focus on these things, without suffering from pain of a growing pregnancy.

I do want to get married too. I want to have more children, at least one more, and with someone who will stand by my side and be faithful to me. I don't really see how this is possible, because I'm particular, but maybe there is someone out there who, like my friend, believes in me and doesn't think I need meds, who I'd get along with. It's so complicated--the whole personality, chemistry, lifestyle fit. It's much, much, more difficult to find, for me, than for others it seems. I need to be with someone who is interesting, but is also safe and independent but can be faithful. I can't handle the swinging thing. I don't care if it's someone older or younger either, just someone who is as smart or smarter than me or I wouldn't be able to respect him. Aside from being scared by him and thinking he was possibly not on my side, and aside from some harassment by him, the father of the baby was at least interesting and not afraid to speak his mind. I also had chemistry with him. But I knew I couldn't be with him or continue anything unless he changed in a lot of ways, and I don't know that he even wants to change, or that it's possible. He also went for women, besides me and his spiderwoman, who didn't seem very stimulating intellectually or sexually. Which, statistics show, is fine for most men. Most men, even if they are intellectually bright and have got a lot going for them, are content to settle with a woman who is the SFJ type. The homemaker type. They go for who they think is most socially suitable, as long as they're also attracted, and then that's probably why half of them have mistresses on the side: because they're bored.

I don't want to be bored, or boring. I'm not accomplished career-wise, but I can relate to women who are, who are attractive and have brains, and are funny or have a lot going for themselves, who watch their fellow lawyers-in-office go for the secretary or the bimbo. It seems most guys just want a walking stick.

And then you get the men who like me or my type who are wishy washy and want me to wear the pants. Like I'M a dominatrix. I'm not.