Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Nothing Still, but Mailing Bar Complaint!

I don't feel very good this morning. Last night I tried sleeping without Xanax for hours and finally, when I started having cramps (from indigestion and not miscarriage, as it turned out) I felt light-headed and decided to take the Xanax. I'm buying sleeping pills today.

For some reason, this morning, "A Midsummer Night's Dream (Mendelsshon with Arturo Toscani)" came to mind and I'm starting out with classical.

I don't feel like going out today but I have a lot to do. I didn't get anything done that I wanted to get done yesterday, but yesterday was a better day, emotionally, than the day before. I expect today will be an even further improvement.

I certaintly don't want to wait around for months for this miscarriage to happen.

I am doing the human rights thing today for sure though, this morning in fact.

I am making a couple of corrections to the post about Karin.

Also, I am still very serious about leaving. I have tried my hardest to work with the state and CPS and they are, in my mind, criminals for what they've done. They prove to me that the only way to get my son back is to sue the living daylights out of them, which I'm motivated to do, if I can make the money, and I am very motivated to do this. I don't know how else to make that money, in short order, than by writing books. Even singing would take some time. And I don't believe any publishing company in the U.S. will do it.

I think I'm tired because I took the Xanax so late in the evening--it was morning really, or middle-of-the-night. I am waiting for this to happen, the miscarriage, because I want it to happen at home and not in public. I feel like everything is on hold. But I guess I just have to get out there and stop wasting time. Carry a big ziplock and maxi pads with me. So awful and unfortunate, but true. I want an analysis. If it goes on for one month, I'll go in for a D&C. I am reading of plenty of women who carried a fetus that quit growing for a month to even 3 months and they didn't even know it. They weren't harmed by it. I'm not having any bleeding at all, so I don't think I'm at risk for infection unless something happens and doesn't complete. I can at least go for a couple of weeks. I think letting nature take it's course is best, and if I can avoid intervention, I will.

My family is so quick to write posts to try to correct me, and try to push me to do what they want me to do, and yet they have never supported me in anything. NOTHING. They have tried to push me into careers they would choose for themselves, which are not suitable for me, and lied about me to protect themselves, and backed out on very serious promises. Ones which afffect my son. I am so done with them. I WILL sue them, along with the state, for any slanderous comments they made or any attempt to work with people to force me and my son back to the U.S. They are liars and are as corruptible as the next person--putting money and self-interest before everything else. I feel so sorry for my son, for what my own family has gone along with, and how they've kept information about his welfare from me and basically used religion as an excuse to take him, and their ignorant ideas that a single woman shouldn't raise a child. When I come back for my son, they are going to be a part of the lawsuit, and I will make them suffer the way they allowed me and my son to suffer. I promise you, Oliver, I will make them pay for what they've done to you--every single person involved. I promise, on my life.

I notice my commentator, "Anonymous", suddenly disappeared. Hmmm. Honey, if you want to debate with the big girls, you need to bring your brain, or a translator.

Listening to Colbie Caillat, "Something Special". Now, listening to Usher's "Something Special". All the songs with this title. Theme day. lol. Because I am sooooooooooooooooo damn special. ;) something special is going to happen, I feel it. and I am going to have true love, something special. I want something like out of Anne of Green Gables, with Anne and Gilbert. something special, not tarnished and on the surface. Something deeper than that. i've been holding out and waiting for that.

Yes, I'm a shrew. I read the lyrics for "I Hate Men" by Cole Porter (for Kiss me, Kate) and was laughing out loud, especially at the part about rheumatism. Those lyrics in that musical are ingenious. I need someone who is such an idiot he thinks of me when he hears Billy Joel's song, "Always A Woman". I am not Doris Day. I will never fit into places like Wenatchee.

Could you IMAGINE what Wenatchee would do to someone like Bjork?!!!! Hahaaaa! Oh MY DEAR GOD, imagine what they'd do to Bjork. I could probably write a very funny scene imagining that.

They'd have her in a padded cell before she could say, "a boy like you". They'd lock her up just for wearing a dress with one sleeve missing. Imagine what they'd do if her bandmates were rubbing eachother's backs to create the static sound on "Cocoon"--imagine what they would do.

I just looked at the headlines for The Wenatchee World (which I don't always read) and found there was a school bus accident yesterday. Not going through a house. Which is kind of interesting, because when I saw different images yesterday, I first saw the back end of a yellow school bus, going down a road, moving. It was the back. But then I didn't know what to do with that, and imagined it hurling onto a porch and into a house. I don't know...bringing it home?

I have no idea, really, why I saw the school bus. I just went with the flow. Shortly after that, I got some address I'd had with a Wenatchee internet service provider, "Genext", back as it had been "removed" (but not by me).

During all the things that happened with my computer, my account was through Genext. I'm not connecting anything with anything, just interesting. I think I know both women who were injured in the bus crash. I know the name Stubbs for sure, because that's a prominent family in Wenatchee and I had written about a clerk, Stubbs, who worked at the courthouse, when I was going through things with CWH. I am also not positive, but Susan Wright may be someone who was involved in "assessing" my son's speech or part of that organization, but I'm not sure about that one at all. I just know Stubbs is a huge family.

Anyway, listening to "Goodnight My Angel" by Billy Joel. It's one of my favorite songs by him and the only one I had a single to. I listened to it when I was a nanny, in Bedminster, NJ, even, in 1993 or 1994. Listening to it now makes me cry.

I am going to the post office! Right now! I am mailing the Washington State Bar complaint in just a few minutes. So I AM accomplishing some things today!

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