pregnancy complication reminiscing and questions

Having bad thoughts. Wondering if my food that was gone through, was tampered with. I left the cod liver oil, to take, and took it everyday, until I moved from the apartment. Then I forgot to take it with me. I didn't throw it out after someone had been through my food and stuff, because it was expensive and I figured it was probably okay.

But I hope I didn't have anything that was contaminated. I still don't understand why this baby died.

I feel, intuitively, that it was not supposed to happen and that it should have been born and carried to term. There was nothing chromosomally wrong with this baby. It was something else and I don't know what.

I had a bad feeling, before the MRI, but was it the MRI? I just don't know.

I didn't do drugs and only drank about an 1/8 of a glass of white wine, the duration of my pregnancy. I had only a couple of Advil, and the whole time, I had two small inhales of marijuana, in over two and half months time, and I figured that was better than any other remedy, and I researched it, and it's true. It's only for chronic smokers that it can cause problems. But I wasn't smoking pot, doing drugs, eating poorly, and I took a very good multivitamin. I don't know why my red blood cell count was low. I ate meat and there was iron in the daily multi I took.

The pain was getting very bad at nighttime but I figured it was my sleeping arrangement or the way I slept. Otherwise, no problems except when I was standing or walking a long time. And then the water stuff.

I felt something was wrong when I didn't see it move. I just felt it. But I don't think it was genetic. It had to be something else, if it wasn't the MRI.

I have definitely been depressed today. I was in shock before and now I'm depressed, but I think it's normal. It still bereavement, I figure, unless it lasts past two weeks.

I didn't get anything done. I think of all the things I could have done differently. I wish I'd thrown everything out. I wish I'd moved. I wish I hadn't told anyone I was pregnant. I wish I hadn't had the MRI. I wish I hadn't had the maybe 8 advil total that I had, for migraine and pain (I had only 2 at a time, and maybe up to 8 at the most, over the almost 3 months).

I wish I hadn't been stressed out. I wish I hadn't been fired. Or, maybe I should have quit much, much, earlier. I wish I'd taken an office job.

I am very, very, sorry for my part. I don't think I'm the only one to blame though, and maybe I shouldn't blame myself at all. It could have been something else, and I do know if I hadn't had the pain, I never would have agreed to MRI. I knew something was seriously wrong, but I didn't know what.

It doesn't make sense.

And I want to sue the living daylights out of Wenatchee people and even some of my own family (though they are/were only 5% of the problem and used by others to get to me) for what my son and I have been put through.

I need to get the audio stuff uploaded, on how CPS was stalling. I also have some other stuff.

When I first went into ER, for the water gushing, I WAS having bits of mucus plug as well, but it was mainly the water thing that bothered me. But she said everything was fine. But no mucus plug stuff after that, not even now.

Yet there was water supposedly.

But why was I having such horrible burning with urine? and why do I have these bumps? and why.

It could have been a boy, but I had a feeling, and I may have been wrong, that it was perhaps a little blond girl. If it wasn't, I thought it would be a blond boy. My mother and father were very light blondes at birth, and flaxen for a long time, and I'm the only redhead. I just figured, "blond".

I never should have blogged about the pregnancy. But no one takes me seriously that my life and my son's life have been threatened, and I figured I was safer now. Maybe I was, maybe I wasn't. I still have things happening here, so I don't know that this is true.

I'm sorry, but I'm taking a fucking Xanax. I think I need it now more than I did before, but I don't want to be on it. I know having a glass of wine would help, but I haven't touched a drop of alcohol. I don't want to start drinking, even one glass, even socially, while I'm sad. It's a bad remedy. Not that I think it always is, but I just know it would be wrong. I know when I feel strong and when I don't feel very strong, and how to figure out what I need.

I was so happy with my baby, I didn't need anyone again. It was me and baby against the world again, and we were going to get my son back and be a family. I left everything else out, up in the air. I wasn't closed off to being involved with the father or letting him in and taking part of everything, but I didn't know what to think and tried to cut him off. He knew some things about me, so it was weird, and I felt he played some mind games. But do I know?

I don't know who to trust anymore. I don't know who is for me or against me.

I'm a beggar woman with nothing but I feel like a fucking Marilyn Monroe or yes, Princess Di, though I've figured out, I'm just a little bit like Di, not a lot. She had a much sweeter temperment, and she knew how to be dignified, and I don't care. If she was a loose cannon, I'm a bloody fucking loose missile or rocket.

I still feel like I draw encouragement from her life, and I feel I'm going to be a supporter of her, even after her death.

I can do so much more, unattached and single, and without children, I know this. I am independent. But my heart is so profoundly moved by my children, I wouldn't trade them for any position in the world. Which is why, maybe, some have gone after my children. I hope they get payback from God. I truly would never do a thing myself, but if God feels it is just, I ask him to give me justice.

I am going to give birth to a book. Right now, I can't even sing. All I can do is write. I don't know what I'd write first though, or how to organize for it. I guess I could just say a prayer, and start somewhere. Anywhere?