To Gain The World, But Lose Ones Soul

RE: letters‏
From: cam huegenot (cameocares@live.com)
Sent: Sat 12/13/08 7:48 AM
To:
i know what you mean. in some ways you're right. and i could hide my pain over loss and other things, because i DO know, some people get an absolute kick out of it. sharks like blood and get excited over it. but i guess the reason i've chosen to be so open is because not many people DO write about all the things i write about, and i am always hoping there is something i've written which will help someone else. in a lot of ways, i know the wrong people get their kicks. they laugh, they mock, and they feel good inside, because it makes them feel self satisfied and less insecure with themselves. i mean, people who are confident are not sadistic.

but i suppose it may be that i am SO confident, with who I AM, at my core, that although it bothers me to be ridiculed and plotted against and harassed, i somehow still feel secure, knowing i am human, and that i have feelings, and they're not always good or bad, but that i'm okay owning up to the fact that i am human, imperfect, and that i also suffer from the actions of others.

it's sort of the way i feel about the guantanamo prisoners--if they really want to die by death penalty, and get a kick out of it, or it helps them, in their misery, why force them to be around? i feel more sorry for them, because they "know not what they do" even though i fully believe justice should be served. i cannot control the responses of others--and i feel if some people really want to see proof of my suffering, because it makes them happy--then they just have some serious issues to begin with and does it change who i am inside? no.

the difference for me is that while i will allow my enemies to see me suffer, and know they take satisfaction from it, at the same time, i know who i am and who my God is, and i believe that someday, and i pray in this life, they are held accountable. watch me suffer, mock me, ridicule and harass me...but like in a dream i had, i'm going to dive down to the deep and find my strength. beat me, take from me, strip me, and laugh, but i know that when you take my clothes and everything else, i stand before God naked and will he not avenge me at some point?

the only reason i reveal, is because i'm not ashamed of my humanity, and i am confident enough to be a fully dimensional person, with faults and gifts and virtues alike. and i only hope that my humanity and suffering, reaches those who identify the most, who need to hear they are not alone, and who will take comfort and strength, knowing i've been there, and they too can and will survive.

i don't really know why i'm so different. i've always been this way. i don't know why.

if i had never written about the pain and suffering of what happened to me and my son, he never would have been taken from me, and even with that, they didn't have grounds.

but what i knew already, was that this woman who pretended to be my best friend for over 7 years, christa schneider, had already obtained every single angle on me. She even knew what drove me to try to commit a suicide and the sick thing is, i then, afterwards, saw the exact same things repeated (i told her 3 things did it) and it came from them and wenatchee and advice some wenatchee people got, and i know they tried to use THAT information against me, to purposefully try to recreate stressors that, they hoped, would lead to another (and they hoped, successful) suicide attempt. but because it was so obvious, and i saw the pattern, it didn't get to me. and what they didn't know is that i was stronger, not weaker, from the first and only attempt.

i am not kidding you. they got multiple personality things on me, from trivial ones to bigger ones, asked what my greatest fears were, and what my greatest hopes and dreams were, and actually went about methodically trying to destroy me and get me to self-destruct. she had the names, colleges, workplaces, and all the family connections of practically everyone i knew, and she knew where i was going on a daily basis, because i'd just chat, thinking we were friends. i'd say i was going to such and such a cafe, and then be shocked my tire was slashed there. i'd think, "how does anyone know i'd be here?" and think it was a coincidence. but it happened over and over. i never thought it could be her until i'd already given out a ton of information--everything really. towards the end i lied about stuff, because i realized what was happening, and i kept things to myself, and tried to screw her up by giving her wrong info. but i think she knew i was even doing that, because she got extremely pissed i had said my first baby was going to be a girl when it was a boy, like i'd "tricked" her. why would she be pissed unless they hoped to have my baby taken at the hospital and given to someone who was just waiting for a girl? i even had a total stranger approach me in the library in wenatchee once, and offer to adopt my "baby girl" because she had sons and wanted a daughter. her husband was a lawyer in town.

so, in some ways, everything that's out to be known about me, was already known by my worst enemies. there is nothing hidden in my closet that i could keep from them, except my emotions and feelings. i suppose that gives them ways to find out how to torture or hurt me the most, because, they knew i said i'd totally end up in a psych ward if i lost my son or something happened to him. i know they wanted this to happen, but it didn't happen. i am extremely strong and most importantly, my strength comes from God and knowing that He has always been on my side and knows the truth and I, personally, have known my good character. which makes me proud of who i am. i've been set up to be demoralized and even all the stuff with guys, who came at me while i was intoxicated, who are connected to that group--i know now what they were doing, and at first i blamed myself. but they were just playing mind games, and practicing cruelty, and why should i feel bad about MYSELF because of that?! it doesn't have anything to do with me. i was attacked when i was vulnerable and trusting, and i don't feel ashamed for it. i am a survivor and i know their actions indicate these kinds of people are lacking very serious qualities that make a person whole. some of these people have been pathological and i think, mentally ill, or perhaps just sadistic, i don't know. but when someone who is mentally ill and sadistic attacks me, i want justice, and i want my name cleared, but at the same time, how can they make me feel inferior? the only way i could have been made to feel inferior to them, is if they had been good to me. if they had been more giving than i am, or more merciful. instead, they gave me further reason to feel superior, and i don't mean inately, but in that i know i am not made of that cloth and i am not like them. i don't practice cruelty and group "gang bangs" and practiced attempts to destroy someone and their family. i pray to god for vengeange, but i do not take it into my own hands as they do.

also, i'm not violent and they have a violent nature. i consider property damage, and even strong defamation, to be indicative of a potentially violent nature. and they egged eachother on with this.

i pray to God, and they laugh i'm sure, seeing how i'm getting nowhere, but i pray openly now because when my God DOES avenge me, i want it to be known how my prayers were answered. i am making a historical and evidentiary record, not for myself alone, but for everyone.

at the point where ammends have been made and justice has been served, i might quit writing. until then, i see my work is cut out for me, and i am brought into situations all the time where i feel God has called me to be a voice of reason and/or to speak out.

i have very strong reservations with the father of my baby, too, for example. somehow he knew about me and someone was giving him info, and he did some pretty nasty things, and mind games. but i see his humanity too, and i prayed for him last night. i prayed that whatever it takes for him to have a transformation, will happen. i even prayed if that means he becomes a christian and has some kind of "religious experience" that this will happen--whatever it takes to help him crack open, and not fall apart, and for strength to replace what makes him weak in his marrow.

the thing is, people take advantage of those who are not strong. when they are good at heart and weak, they are preyed upon, and when they are bad at heart and weak, they are easily manipulated to be pawns and agents for someone else.

everybody needs to have interior strength, or one way or the other, will have some of their potential destroyed. you can lose everything materially, and still lose your soul.

"for what does it profit a man to gain the whole world, but lose his soul?"

> Date: Sat, 13 Dec 2008 09:26:37 -0500
> From:
> To: cameocares@live.com
> Subject: letters
>
> Cameo,
>
> I am getting ready to send you the e-mails between my ex and the Benedictine monk. I truly believe this will help your credibility by showing people that what happened to you was not an isolated incident. You know, when the priest molestations cases came out, someone had to be the "first" to report it and face the barrage of "how dare you accuse the Church" personal attacks.
>
> What would happen if you stopped writing your daily personal blogs on the Internet. The reason I ask that is it seems that the "enemy", the people who use tuneful information, are getting an inside look at you. As long as the enemy still sees that they are causing you pain, then they are getting their gratification fix. Why let the enemy know what you are emotionally thinking, it gives them a heads up on how to attack you. Let the facts speak for them selves. And yes, I do understand where you stand.
>
> I finally felt vindicated when the Annulment Tribunal unanimously confirmed the inappropriate relationship between the ex and the Monk in their final decree. That meant that all three Tribunal Judges had to acknowledge the information presented even though the Bishop of (omitted for privacy) denied everything when presented with the same information.