Waiting For The Inevitable

Still nothing. This is turning into a "when am I going to miscarry" blog. I had slight pangs and then nothing at all. No sign of anything at ALL.

So then of course I start typing google searches for "coming back to life", "heartbeat returns", "raised from the dead (which will only bring up stuff about Jesus)", "fetus comes back to life", etc.

I've seen a few interesting articles.

I've listened to a lot of Coldplay tonight. Fix You, Yellow, and a bunch of others. Then I played "The Scientist", which I reeeeaaaally like, and in the beginning, when he gets off of the mattress, with his arms rolling forward--i saw that movement in the dance scene I was doing for Frente's Bizarre Love Triangle. That arch and the arm movements. And, funny too, is it's at the same kind of "meaning" in the song. Coldplay is talking about ...wow...what a crazy good video. Just finished watching the rest of it. I wish there was a way to do that, go back in time and reverse things. When Coldplay first sings the line, "back to the start", and lifts off the mattress, with the arms propelling forward, that's sort of what I could see at the part where Frente sings "living a life I can't leave behind", or I alternately saw it at a "every time I see you falling" clip. I'll have to finish visualizing for that song. I guess the guy's name is Chris Martin. I keep forgetting and calling them Coldplay. Somehow, we must have a similiar vision in some regards, or his video artist does.

I was starting to accept things and then I realize how badly I wanted this baby again. I have the worst regrets and know it is my fault. I am not mentally ill and I made the choice, but I did NOT ever think that was one of the possible "risks". I want that baby back.

I wanted to take a Xanax today, during the day, when I was first reading about miscarriage and I didn't, because I thought, "well, what if the heart DID start beating again?" I am still taking a prenatal, for my own health, not because of expectations, but prenatals are good for health in general. But I found myself looking up what category Xanax is on the list. "D". Category D, and can cause birth defects.

I'm really NOT in denial, but when you're waiting for it to happen, and you read some of these crazy "woman comes back to life after rigor mortis sets in" articles, you start to wonder.

I can't focus on anything else. I was doing fine and then I got more obsessed thinking about it.

I have zero desire to work in the U.S. After this, I'm just totally done. I have no desire to jump through any of the hoops anymore, after all I've been through. I want my son back, and his taking was illegal and there is nothing I can do.

Working in the U.S., or even TRYING to, has already proven pointless. If I'm not being fired by Catholic bosses, I'm being complained about for things I've not done. And I DO know when I'm at fault, or I wouldn't be taking responsibility for this miscarriage.

If I was a NUT, I would be saying I'm going to sue those doctors and the hospital, and claiming they didn't tell me enough, etc. I'm not a nut.

I know when it is right to be upset and when something IS my fault, and when it is NOT my fault. I also know when it's nobody's fault, or is an "accident".

Well, I just took a Xanax. I've not had any of them during the day, not even once. I suppose if there is a completely unrealistic miracle of heart restart, the slim risk of birth defect will also be overcome for some higher purpose.

I'm tired of people fucking telling me I blame others for my own decisions or mistakes, when it's a bunch of B.S. I know when to take blame and there are just a whole LOT of things that have happened that have NOT been my fault and which I had nothing to do with.

I'm fucking SICK of it.

Oh, and I hope my new host country doesn't mind my "french". I'll keep it out of the children's books.