Disclosure & Anonymity & Energy

I don't exactly know what the point to my existence is, other than to be a mother. I don't have any anonymity anymore and can't even choose friends. I guess what this one man told is right, that I might not be able to find any here. I met one woman who seemed okay, and we'll see. I feel like I'm just a gamepiece to many others. Not all. It's so weird--I see concerned looks on the faces of men and women alike so I know there are people that really do care. But to some others, it's just a big game.

I don't like games. I don't play games when I date someone and I don't play games when I decide to try to become friends with someone.

I was going to try to get together with someone who seemed like a harmless nerdy type, but then it was ruined, as I was walking along and thinking about what he'd said. Something about having recently watched "The Princess & The Frog".

He seems nice but the whole point is to be hanging out with people where I don't find out I'm being recorded or broastcast to others by telephone or some other means, or that the details of my conversations aren't repeated the next day.

So I think, "Oh, what a funny coincidence!" and think it's sweet, and might be fun to get to know someone, but then it just goes back to: is this all a joke. I guess what made me think too, was that when I told him I'd just want to hang out low-key, not dating, and that I didn't want my personal info to go out, he asked, "Are you paranoid?" Ummm....YES and no. But the fact that he sort of said this scornfully, while telling me about his latest movie viewing, makes me question whether my life will be private or not. It makes me think no.

I want to hang out with normal people, who are not playing a game. I don't think that's too much to ask.
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The strong energy is gone tonight. I don't know where it is. The good strong positive energy I mean. I feel fine, and I'm in good spirits, but that wholeness or something-else thing isn't there at this moment. Which is fine, it doesn't have to be all the time.

I noticed it this morning, very strong. Then, for the second time in 2 days I was sitting in this location and felt like I was somehow influencing something, even historical, but all I was doing was sitting. But it meant something, somehow. Yesterday, when I was sitting at the Diner and then today while I sat at the mechanic shop. I just don't know what. I never know so it bothers me because I don't want my random choices to influence anything, I believe in making purposed, intentional decisions.

I had fun at one point, though, during the day, when I got to talk to this woman about Di and Paul Burrell and Darren McGrady. It's hard to be absorbing all this miscelleous info and not have anyone to really discuss it with. I came up with Darren, the chef, because after wondering why that name came to mind, and it probably has something to do with Wenatchee maybe or my past or someone I know, I then typed into a search: princess diana, darren. Because I sometimes wonder if things pop to mind because my subconcious remembers someone I've read about. So her personal chef came up and then I got to discuss a few things today.
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Anyway, the good energy is gone. It's like someone left town or just is doing other things somewhere else. But there is no negative feeling.
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The problem is that I have a ton of corruption to deal with and all at the last minute, with this case. I need to see my visits with my son increaased and even the security guard was asking me, last visit, what in the world was going on and why wasn't anything being done? He knows there has never been an issue with me and he sees my son backing out and waving and not wanting to leave me almost everytime.

I'm going to have to begin detailing all the things I said I would detail, if things didn't progress. Like past visitation notes corrections and clarifications and also what has happened in these visits and also the fact that not one thing has been done for my case, by a lawyer. NOTHING. I don't have even ONE MOTION filed by ANY LAWYER. And this last lawyer has had my case for over 2 months. They're just claiming I'm "represented" when I don't haave any kind of viable representation at ALL.

I found out, he didn't even know I'd gone ahead and scheduled the MRI of my own head and that this was going through. He tried to tell their billing that the state told him they were trying to find someone in Seattle, in Harborview. I said, today, why then, hasn't HE told me that? First they were doing a "panel" which should have taken 1 day to figure out they weren't contracted with anyone to do, and then they stalled on that for over ONE whole month and then did NOTHING and even after I told my lawyer, I was trying to get things done, I got not even ONE email from him. Nothing. So I just went ahead and did it and then I was told today supposedly they were going with someone in Seattle. Not ONE person has told me anyone was being scheduled at all. Instead, I was told it was going to take months more time to figure out "what kind of" head exam should be done...etc...and meanwhile my lawyer has known from Day One to put together a motion arguing for an independent psychological evaluation and he's done NOTHING.

I have received 2 emails total, in the last over 2 months time. 2. ??? Two frickin' emails? all saying there's still a wait. But I was asking him about things he didn't have to wait on, like, "Will you please come to a visit with me and my son and observe and meet my son?" Not a word on that. Nothing. There's no reason why visits couldn't have been argued for, to be increased. Or why other things couldn't have been argued, like getting audio recording in there.

I am trying to be patient, but I know the system a lot better than some of these people think I do, and I know how long things should take and what's needed to line things up. And I know this is just being delayed and stalled.

I view the lack of representation, adequate legal representation, as yet one more form of evidence of corruption.