Music Tonight & On Cutting & Compass

My old favorite came to mind: Indigo Girls' "Closer To Fine".

Progress on my book is so-so. I am forever reading and then just thinking about the reading bogs me down. So much to do. Then, unfortunately, I've become interested in the real time events of the royal family now, so I'm also a current events hound, which I don't really like.

I think people have the wrong idea about what I'm really writing about. I am not trying to figure out "the mystery". I am not taking a look at the case or inquest again or anything of the sort. I'm only looking at the woman, and at her personality, and then I relate because I can understand how insults about mental stability are used to discredit or minimize a person. I think she had some issues like everyone else, but this is my whole take, that she basically normal.

I don't know how this is very exciting really. I have a lot of people asking me, constantly, probing my mind for answers about "who do you think did it?" and I'm not even looking at that aspect of her life at all. It's interesting to me, and I enjoy hearing different people's theories, but that's not a tangent I'm taking at all.

My objective is to respect her for the person she was and to try to be as objective and unadoring as possible, and yet still be able to clear off a little bit of clutter which she hasn't been able to defend herself over since she passed away. So, in my own way, I want to defend her, but I am not attacking others to do this or this is not my angle at least.

I guess I wanted to get that out in case anyone still thinks I'm trying to do a "who dun it". I'm just not going into it.

I dno't really know how people are figuring out when I'm online though. Because they're been some online interest when I'm there and I don't know how it's done. I talked to someone today who said they knew one of the number 1 top hackers in the country and if that's true, I said I wanted an interview and to do a profile piece...write something up for fun. Something sciencey-interest.

It might be coincidence, but a lot of things remind me of her...I was in some general chat last night for a split second and this guy who seemed to be astute and intelligent, asked me what I thought about cutting. It was sort of weird bc he said he used razors and hunting knives to cut across his chest and I guess it reminded me of that phase Di went through, but I've also known a lot of cutters, comparitively, in my lifetime. He brought up feeling overweight with "chub" and cutting, and I guess this sort of weirded me out as in, "is this another Diana reference out of the blue?" but I said what I thought and he said he agreed with me and that most people don't know or understand what causes this or the root of things.

I said, not being a psychologist, but thinking about it, that I felt it usually occured with people who were under tremendous amounts of pressure to perform, who didn't have a socially viable outlet to vent their frustrations. I said I felt usually these people feel very repressed or oppressed or would never, could never, think of hurting someone else, so they turn inward and take it out on themselves as a form of release.

I feel, in my limited experience as a non-psychologist, that it is actually more common with upperclass than lowerclass, though I've seen it across the board. I think certain personality types or those raised in certain environments are more likely to turn to it, who are a little more perfectionist or try to keep up with appearances and there is just this pent up frustration which they haven't found a healthy way to channel through. For others, I've also heard that sometimes one might feel "numb" and it allows them to "feel something" and I've heard this too.

I tend to think it's a phase, some part of an adjustment disorder, which is normally temporary and a way to figure out how to transition and deal with traumatic events or repression. It's one of the rawest forms of anguish. I don't believe an individual has to have a staid "mental illness" to go through this kind of a phase temporarily, even though it's dangerous or risky, anymore than I think a person must be classified as "alcoholic" if they go through a short period of using more alchohol to do, essentially, the opposite, to "numb" emotions.

I don't believe it's a sure indicator of mental illness but that it's some kind of coping mechanism while in transition and undergoing trauma and shock. Probably, on the other side of shock, when the shock is wearing off a little bit and the helpless feeling is more predominant. In a way, I think it's also a small form of regaining some kind of control, just as it to do anything to the body. I think some feel a little bit of bravery or strength from it even if it's short-lived.

Not unlike bulimia or anorexia, where one employs a form of self control, even if it looks like lack of control, to cope and bring the physical body into some kind of submission where a helplessness is felt with regard to the emotional state.

That's just my off-hand analysis on something I haven't studied or read about, and I've never even had a psychology class, but it's something I intuit from talking to others and hearing what they share and from my own personal trials. I'm sure there are better theories or a way to explain it better.

I think it's a form of PTSD essentially, if it lasts past a temporary adjustment disorder phase.

I think the most common emotion associated with it is helplessness, grief. I think it's the flipside of anger. It's the anguish. But maybe it's different for those who do this and are trying to quit the numb feeling.

I would be curious to know how many former military later engage in cutting. It would seem like something that is usually brought about by severe trauma within a social environment or having to do with deep pain regarding a close loved one, or expectations, but I imagine it might be more common with military vets than we think. I don't know. I might look it up.

Well I tried, and offhand I can't find anything. I sort of think if the cutting or self harm occurs, it might be with more office types who are in high positions and under pressure or some other very high end or very high pressure work. I think some of the others are allowed to express or vent their anger and emotions more and that this other form of expression is more typical with those who feel repressed and helpless for some reason.

I do not believe this has to be tied to any kind of mental disorder except anxiety or possibly some depression but I feel it can exist with natural forms of anxiety alone and that some people, by all outward appearances, seem to function fine. It's more of an internal thing and I think it's far more serious for some than others...probably a warning sign that this person might be willing to attempt suicide if the other forms of self harm don't alleviate the suffering enough, but, I think, most of the time, it can be completely resolved.

I think men who go through this should cry more, if possible, or find a safe place to vent and beat a punching bag and that women should find a safe place to do the same. Break things, whatever, just in a safe and non-judgemental environment. If the anguish isn't directed outward, outside of the body, it tends to go inward. It needs to go out, and not be turned in.

Mathew 11:28-30
28: Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
29: Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.
30: For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

I really love the Indigo Girls! "Joking" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qesM36lTd6Y&NR=1. Galileo. I like all the older ones especially.

The other thing that came to my mind tonight was:

"You didn't choose me. I chose you. You were chosen. You didn't make me. I am making you and you don't even know it yet." You are not trapped. Like the guy who tried to hold me and my roommates ended up saying, "I don't know why I chose this house." He thought he was holding us hostage and ended up feeling like he was the hostage.

You have a choice in how you think about your circumstances and what kind of control others exert over you. You can take that trap and turn it around for good, and use it as an opportunity to let the light within you shine and make a difference. Evil is triumphant a lot more than it should be, but we choose what we have in our own reserve for strength, and if it is good, sometimes this will leak out like a very small sliver of sunshine in the darkest place. Your goodness and trials can also change other people's lives for good, and bring happiness and peace to situations of despair.

God sometimes chooses the foolish and the weak to shame the strong and the wise.

"Power Of Two". http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hj0yVN8pFNw&NR=1

I goof up and allow myself to lash out and even be unkind, sometimes so I don't turn inward, but even if everyone makes mistakes, the important thing is to be able to go back to the internal moral compass. As long as you turn back and know it's a constant process, and touch back to the compass, you will not fail, no matter what you do and no matter what anyone has to say about you. That's what I think, at least.

This is what I would say to my own son, and there are probably a lot of things I could write, which I would like to have for him and which I don't mind sharing with others either.