False Signs and Destiny

I just decided to post it here instead of going back.

I made the mistake, I remember, back in 2001 or 2002, of telling this woman, "Oh! It's a sign!" having no idea whatsoever that people can interfere in ones life to create the appearance of "signs".

Then, I was susceptible to this idea, that "signs" and "wonders" abounded on the earth, and God was striking a match to put light onto something all the time. I came into this belief more readily, even though I'm also very practical and logical, because I had experienced very real and true miracles and had seen "signs" in my life.

When I received a huge bouquet of roses at my doorstep, from an 11 yr. old boy, I believed it was a true sign. I had just been admiring those very roses, many doors down, as I passed and when I got to my house, I silently thanked God for creating such beautiful roses. I didn't pray out loud and there was no way anyone could have known how much thanks I was giving to God, just for those flowers which I loved. I opened my door almost immediately after praying, and there was a huge bouquet of those same flowers, with a note from the boy who I barely knew and it said simply: from "Cody". I felt this was a sign from God, that my appreciation was heard.

There were other times I specifically asked God for a sign and I got one. Other things happened, like this, to where I just "knew" such a thing existed.

But I also knew I couldn't force it. I remember once when I was in jr. high, or elementary school, I had these mustard seed earrings which I loved. They were tiny mustard seeds enclosed in small drops that hung down, in glass. I decided, one day, they were "lucky" earrings because I thought to myself, "With faith like a mustard seed you can move mountains!" so I really thought, I was going to move proverbial mountains that day. I didn't tell anyone but just thought I'd have a generally good day. I will never forget how, in grade school terms, I had one of the worst days of my life. I remembered looking at those earrings and thinking it had totally backfired. Then, somehow one of those earrings got lost and I saved the other one for years and years hoping to find the other match and I never did. So much for lucky.

But, I had seen miracles and had experience with somehow "knowing" things I shouldn't be able to know, about other people, and I did have these little "surprises" and "gifts" occur now and then which I felt couldn't have come from anyone but God because no one else knew.

So, I was more susceptible to accepting signs in general. Probably some of it wasn't a sign at all. I remember noticing, as a girl, when almost everyone in the class was wearing the same color shirt and even going home to tell my parents how strange it was, or I would comment to the teacher, "Look at how many people are wearing purple today!" and I thought it had something to do with some weird psychic connection that compelled everyone to wear a purple shirt.

I then noticed that sometimes I got things right about people when I didn't try to, at all. Probably when my boyfriend told me this and the observation was made and noted. I think I put it to the side and thought everything in life was just chance and luck.

One day, I decided I liked this one young man, and I told God if he would only ask me out, that day after church, I would take it as a sign to marry him. So, of all things, I hadn't told a soul, this young man decides to ask me out on that day, even though I didn't even look very good. "Like you came in from the cornfield," my mother said. I had on a plaid peach and cream colored sundress with my hair divided into pippi longstocking braids at the back of my head and hardly any make-up on. So he asks me out and I thought, "Wow" and we went to the beach and climbed on top of a rock out in the surf and as I spent the day with him I panicked. "I don't know God" I said. I still dated him but then more and more I kept thinking, "No." But I'd promised God in a way, but I told God, "I just can't." I wasn't in love and was very young besides. It was sort of a sign, but I knew I still had a choice. He really fell for me though, head over heels and I thought "Did I do this?!"

So I was figuring out the signs and symbols thing. Sometimes, it was just beyond a doubt and other times, I tried to force it and it would backfire, or I'd just realize I always had a choice in things. I still believed in legitimate signs but also in free will.

So I told this friend, "It's a sign!" about something and I have no idea how many "signs" I paid attention to after that which were never signs but put in my path to "look" like "signs". I wasn't very discerning then. I believe, at that time in my life, I was probably manipulated a lot, thinking things were happening coincidentally or as a "sign" when it was put there by someone intentionally.

I remember telling this same friend that I was going to give this guy in class a book, and she asked which one and I said I didn't know. So I just grabbed a book and at class, he presented me with a book. I had thought, "What a coincidence!" I never thought, "Oh, she somehow knows this same person and told him" or that maybe someone was somehow listening in. I was in the middle of litigation then so it is possible someone somewhere was listening in.

Another time though, I told this same woman that I had had a dream the night before and it was so strange, and I described it to her and she started to freak out. I later found out what I was describing. It was a hotel in San Franscisco. I was booked there by someone I met online after my fiance and I broke up and that was the trip I took where people were taking long lens photos of me again and the whole thing was like a big joke. I was followed by all these young people in San Fransisco besides and I wrote about it, it was the trip where I was stiffed for a part of the bill. The place that I described to this woman, in maybe 2004 or so, was identical and it was unique. It was like a tunnel underground and had this very specific pattern and the colors were exactly the same. It was completely bizarre. I can only think, maybe there were friends there in S.F. or one of the lawyers used this hotel or she did and was familiar with it, had to be, if she recognized this. It was next to the Fisherman's Wharf.

So some things have ended up being unpleasant surprises. But who knows, if I was getting some things right, I wonder if even back then someone was testing my abilities at some time and tried to project this image. I don't know. I have no idea.

I just know sometimes dreams and signs mean something, sometimes good and sometimes bad, and other times, most of the time, they're random processes and mixed up connections from our subconscious.

I began to realize at church during this time, how I could sometimes perceive things I shouldn't have been able to perceive. But this was different from dreams. I would later find out I was right about things.

However, while I seemed to be so "into signs" and the spiritual, at the same time, I was incredibly logical. When I was in high school I believed everyone had just one soulmate, or that if this person died, there was one more. My boyfriend then said how could I think this, when so many people just make the best with what they've got. I still believed I had a soulmate.

This is all about marriage and relationships right now but I could write about career stuff too afterwards.

So then I thought, "When I'm 24 I'll get married" but then I was 24 and no one to marry and I'd never been close to feeling like someone was my soulmate. I kept thinking, "They say it happens when you least expect it" but no, and I think I've written about this before, where I told my Granny if it was going to happen when I least expected it, I'd be in the bathroom. Or do men just fall from the sky? When, hmmmm...when might I least expect it to happen? I got some sense and started questioning all the "feel-good" adages. I realized not everyone would be with their soulmate either, because sometimes the male-female ratio was unequal so how was it even possible? I realized not everyone would have true love. One could wait and wait and probaby sometimes it happens, to those who are less particular and more emotional than others, but for many, it never happens.

The same thing with careers. Why have I not had a career when I had a lot of potential? Probably because so many horrible things happened which set me back. But I did try at different times, to do more with music (and ended up finding out "others" were doing more with my own music than I was!) and other things. I didn't have certain opportunities to get ahead and without that, even if one works hard, there is no instant "American Dream". There are plenty of people with talent and skills who will never be noticed. Even this American Idol woman from England who came out of nowhere. Who knew about her for 40 years? Nobody except her local church I guess.

I blended being practical and logical with believing in psychic gifts and in signs and miracles too. And there is always free will.

So what has been happening lately, which I haven't appreciated, is that I have shared some of the dreams I have, may which mean nothing at all, or images, and I have people, at least I'm noticing in Wenatchee, who have gone out of their way to make it look like it "came to pass" but they do it in a manner which they choose.

I really don't know if they're mocking me, or if they really think I'm fooled into believing what they "put on" is a "sign" or what my dream or image was really all about. Or, maybe they have sometimes been afraid of what it might mean, so some have deliberately tried to alter the meaning.

When there is a real "sign" it is usually confirmed to that person who receives it, in a very real, deep, and meaningful way. The person knows the message is not contrived and that it is "real". It will ring true even if others are creating some other appearance or are trying to downplay or exaggerate what the original sign or message was.

People can be very destructive with how they manipulate, or try to manipulate others, into believing something other than what is right or revealed. If there are not false prophets there are also those who try to pervert the message or reconstruct it in a way to suit their own agenda. Or, sometimes people are just playing games and trying to purposefully mess with your head.

For example: I was at the last "Visionings" gathering and this was right after I had a dream about being in a plane or something or on an Irish landscape and then in Canada or whatever. I felt it was ironic that the man there speaking was from Ireland, because I hadn't known he would be Irish and his girlfriend looked sort of like the woman in the dream, but then when people kept piping up about someone from "Canada" being there I couldn't help but wonder if that was contrived. Maybe not, but how do I know?

Other times, I see all these references to Princess Di or insinuations about one of her sons. Does this mean anything to me? no, I'm not fooled by it. I even tend to think someone might be mocking me unless they directly come out and let me know they are not mocking. For example, I don't know. There is all this stuff going on around me about the royal family (supposedly) and then I get this idea of a name: "Darren". Next thing I know, a day or two later, I see an article where Prince William is hugging a little boy named "Darren". Am I going to make something of this? no. I talk about a redhead in a turquoise jacket and then I see, same day everyone in Wenatchee is wearing jade or teal or that color, Sarah Spencer accompanying William to some charity in this color. This is after I brought some things up...I also hang out with someone that looks like Harry on New Years and who looks like Di and he notes I keep telling him not to run into a pole, a metal pole. All of a sudden, next day, Harry is photographed running into a metal pole almost. Do I think it's a big deal? No. The only time I sort of felt mocked was when I had been talking about elf ears and the Keeblers trucks are literally going by everyday since, and then I see that Christmas card. I think it was hard for me to see bc it was to the tune of "Jingle Bells" (which is my son's favorite song) and after what I have literally been through...Well, when I have literally been observed as part of some kind of entourage and then dumped on, and my son is left to suffer, as I have to quietly suffer about all of this Di and royal harassment stuff, it bothers me a little. It hurts my feelings. It hurts me because I think about all this attention that is paid to me and yet none of it is to help my son. I don't want any kind of position or power. All I've wanted is my son and to live according to my conscience. Sometimes I have wondered if it's just a friendly inside thing, but how can I think this when not a thing is done and my son and I suffer. For the price of that turquoise suit Ms. Spencer was wearing, my son could have a lawyer on retainer. What's the use of pretending. No one can save the whole world or every child, but I think, if someone, or so many, should take any notice in me and my son at all, why leave us to this? I feel it's cruel. I don't see how keeping quiet about so many things helps me and my son any longer.

I don't feel the same respect that I have tried to demonstate, or did demonstrate, under the worst possible circumstances, was or has also been extended to my own son.

Or, I'll say something about a dream and then see a mark on my own son to try to match something that I wrote. Or he'll say something to match, which I know he didn't come up with on his own.

I know when people are going out of their way to make something "fit" or not. I know when people are trying to manipulate me or distort what is genuine, which I receive in a genuine way. I also think some people are afraid of what they don't understand or, if they don't see it happening themselves, they doubt. Also, I don't think anyone is in a position to determine whether I'm writing about something which is just some flight of idea, or some subconscious track that got into my dream somehow. Not everything I write about is "psychic" or meant to infer something important at all. A lot of dreams are just silly and that's all.

As for "destiny" I don't know what I think. Maybe there is such a thing, that there is no way to change it but I tend to think that with free will we can change things all the time. We can alter our own destiny, for good or for bad, but I think sometimes, miraculously, God prevails even though we have no chance it seems or keep screwing up. Other times, someone should have all the opportunity in the world and others will go out of their way to screw it up, out of jealousy or some kind of fear. So I think destiny, if it's true destiny, might be something rare. It might be what we make it, and yet God can still work things out and intervene.

I feel I have received some promises or messages that came to me, personally, and yet I don't know for sure how it will play out. I could screw things up or go out of my way to even thwart it, but I sometimes think, if it's meant to be, nothing will stand in the way. If it's a prophetic message, it will come to pass, and if not, it won't. I can't know until time goes by and I find out.

Sometimes things take time. I guess, like seeing that hotel and then being booked there severral years later. I am hoping there will be good things that happen in my life, and for me and my son, but I wanted to make this post for the point of saying, I do not agree with people who try to steer others with false "signs" and fortune telling and "messages". I also don't get easily persuaded by whether something is "right" or not, unless I can see the evidence myself and it looks or feels natural.

I don't make decisions in life, based on signs, but I do take some messages seriously, and I also feel that I have a gift which I should practice, and I take this from a biblical stance, where the gifts are said to be practiced if one is given a gift.

So, in my own way, I try to demonstrate a willingness to be wrong and to experiment and practice the gift as it comes or even try to be used more. Whether I'm right with what I get, sometimes I know I will never know. But if I get something wrong the person will know it's wrong.

Well, I had a good vibe until I wrote this post. Maybe it's too wordy or maybe something else is going on, but I do trust the vibe and energy thing. It has almost always been right for me.