My Father's Admissions

My Dad came for a visit to let me know how he didn't care.

I don't know why this is all happening, because once, for just a moment I saw what looked like worry in their eyes, like they maybe cared, but no, this time my father basically came over to let me know I wasn't his daughter and I realized I haven't been for a very long time.

He told me he had to go to the bank because all he had was a $10 bill left, and he knows I've had people telling me this implies they're done with me, if they give one to you.

He then said he "felt great" when I said I had a "bad feeling" and he asked when I got that, and I guess it was about the time I got into the car with him and started heading torwards Leavenworth. By the time we were there he wanted to walk around and I said no, I wanted to go back.

I asked him to honor his promise to help me and my son with a private attorney and he refused. He lied about things he didn't even have to lie about, like maybe he thought I might be secretly taping something or was wired or something. He lied about things he's said to me in the past and made up a bunch of stuff too.

I had someone on the East Coast once ask, with this weird worried look in their eyes, "Are you sure your parents are really your parents?" like I was adopted or couldn't be blood relation. They asked me if they thought maybe my Dad would do something against me or if there was any way I might be related to someone else. I thought it was so strange.

Now I just feel sick. My Dad opened the car door when I was going with him for a ride and there was a red and green box, a box actually, just filled up with all kinds of items, all of them red and green. I just thought, "I am going to be ill". He moved it to the back of the car, and obviously he's playing the same game they all are.

He cares more about this, apparently, than his own daughter and grandson. I said, "What's this?" and there was a black belt still sitting on the carseat. It wasn't my father's belt, it was too small. It was a black belt that belonged to someone else and it was in his car.

I told him if I had a private lawyer I knew I would be able to get Oliver back and there was nothing to prevent this, nothing at all, because there were no grounds to keep him from me and all I needed was a zealous defense. My father doesn't care. I didn't or haven't gone along with whatever I'm supposed to go along with, so I don't get any support from my family at all, in getting my son back.

When I told my Dad someone said there might be an investigation into everything that was going on with my case, that was the only time he got nervous. Why would my own DAD be nervous? His hands kept shifting back and forth on the steering wheel. He said, "Who told you this?" and I said, "I probably shouldn't say--it was just someone from an organization." He said okay.

He told me my brother said "hi". The last time I was with my own brother, he was saying weird things about how "deep this port is" and that it was the deepest port in the whole state and once something went down it was never found there again. My own brother freaked me out last time I saw him. He sort of helped me for a day but then he did nothing and I wondered what he was involved with.

When my Dad said he'd brought food for me, to "help out" I didn't once suspect it would be anything weird. I thought, "Oh, that's nice, my father brought some food for his daughter."

Then I saw what it was. He wasn't sending me food, he was just sending me a message.

He sent me, for example, an almost used up jar of peanut butter. There was hardly anything in it, it was just for the jar. He sent me 2 cans of tomato soup. He sent me a can of "vienesse weiners" when he knows I don't like them. He sent me a package of graham crackers. He sent grape juice, which has been a big theme here lately and I could go into details. He sent split pea soup that was all banged up. Out of all the money and the food my mother and father have in their pantries, they sent over to me, things to just symbolize stuff.

And I can certaintly get into what some of these items were supposed to mean and imply.

I told my Dad the truth would come out and I could get my son back if they helped me with the lawyer and he said no, he didn't want the truth to be out.

I said, "Do you realize if my rights are terminated, it is forever?" and he said yes. He tried to deny ever telling me I should have my son adopted out from the first day I gave birth. When he said he knew I would lose my son, and this was after I said, as we started our walk, "So when was it that you decided you didn't love me anymore?" After he basically said he didn't want my son to be with me, or for the truth to come out, I said,

"You have lost your daughter AND your grandson."

I realize now they never ever let go of their grudge against me. They told me they'd help me long ago and yet they were never going to help. They have never wanted me to have my son, and always said any child should have a mother AND "a father". They then were angry I tried to disown them when they refused to help. My own Dad wouldn't let me and my son go to stay with them when things were getting bad in Wenatchee, before they took my son away.

I said something about the CIA, will have to remember what, and he had this very weird response.

My father said my son was "better off" with the Avilas. He and my mother have NEVER wanted me to have my son. I said to him, at some point, "So what are you getting out of this?" I told him there had to be some motive or incentive for his turning against his own daughter and grandson, and I wanted to know what he was getting out of doing so. He didn't say anything.

When I told him he'd lost his daughter and grandson, and ran off ahead of him, he didn't even care. He went back to his car, and wasn't upset or sad or with tears, nothing.

In the last conversation I had with my father over the phone, when I said, "You told me to do _____ such-and-such" he snapped back, "You don't have any evidence."

I got off the phone, stunned. "You don't have any evidence?" for what? What has been going on that I maybe don't even know about?

I honestly started thinking today, all this time my father was outside in Oregon, tending to the burn piles, I started to wonder today if my father was helping dispose of bodies. I even told my Dad this today, and told him I didn't know who he was anymore. No, I have no indication of this, but it comes to mind, when your own family betrays you to this degree, and never even once bothers to "clue" you in enough. Never.

Because I don't know anymore, what is going on. Why my own son and I would be so targeted and then so many people so protective and yet also harassing of me...I don't get it.

He said I needed "help" and I said "like what? or for what?" and he started saying, and this was after I said there might be an investigation going on, he said I needed help and when I asked why, he said, "You say you see colors," etc. I said, "No, I do not hallucinate as in I "see colors" that aren't there. I have a creative mind and I'm an artist and I see things in the mind's eye, when it comes to color, and don't even TRY to make ME sound like you think I'm nuts when I know you don't think this." So then he said I said I saw "colors of cars" and I said, "Yeah, like right now, there are 4 cars in front of us that are all red and white and I think that's a normal observation to make. If I see one gold car after the other after the other, and there's a ton of them, that's not abnormal to notice."

(and why would he think this is a problem for having my son...He was claiming the real problem was that I didn't have 'work' or finances to support my son and he knows it's because I've been blacklisted in the area and no one will hire me unless I go along with some group. So, I told him, why not just help me with a lawyer and that lawyer can help me get even my unemployment claim going? I told my father that it's not like I didn't have work because I didn't try hard enough to get work, and that shouldn't keep me from getting my son. I said if they just helped with a lawyer, like they promised, everything would level out and I should be able to get my son. What I realized, is that they don't want me to have my son, or they're getting something out of refusing to support me in this.)

I said, "I don't think Oliver is 'fine' when he says at every visit he wants to stay with me and see me more." I asked my Dad what he was doing in Vancouver, which is why I had the psych eval, and wondered if he'd gone over there to talk to that woman and try to disparage me. I started wondering if I should try to send her over some of my own information, so she has a better idea of what the real story is.

I told my Dad, "Have you seen the marks on Oliver?" and he tried to dismiss it as from playing. I said it wasn't from playing and any normal investigator would be able to see that.

Oh, as a lovely sidenote, my father pulls up in this yellow car, and then twice, when he's backing up or going around, he stops in front of some black car with the license plate ending in "WIJ".

I told my father I just wanted my son, but they don't care. He told me to my face that he didn't want to help me with a lawyer, to show what the truth is, because he doesn't want me to have my own son.

There is something in it for him and my mother. Because there is no other reason they would do this.

I said I could easily get work out of the area and that all kinds of people, from even different countries, told me not to go back to Washington state. I kept saying I had to, because otherwise I'd be accused of abandoning my son but they told me no, if I went back I would be trapped and lose my son because people would assure I couldn't get on my feet financially. I told my father this, and said, "Now how did all these people, from even different countries, who for some reason took a slight notice in me and my son, how did they know this?" They were right. I should have stayed longer on the East Coast to make money and then slammed Wenatchee with a lawsuit from a private attorney back East. But I couldn't bear to be away from my son longer and didn't want to leave him alone, when others were saying he needed protection, my protection. So I went back, all for my son.

Every single thing I have done, has been for my son.

My mother and father could do one thing, I told my Dad, which would help me get Oliver back and that was just to help with a lawyer, at this last minute. But my father came over here specifically to let me know he hated me.

I don't call giving your daughter a bunch of crappy food as a message, and telling her you only have "10" left for her, "love".

They don't know what love is.

I swear to God, either someone is threatening greater harm to my son if he's with me, or my own family is getting paid off.

My Dad finally claimed to telling me what he thought I needed. I said, "Okay then, what do I need to do to get my son back?" and he said "You need someone to pray for you, to be released from oppression. Satan has a hold on you."

I said, "So who is Satan? the "red" people or the "blue" people?" and he claimed he meant in general. So I said, "So you're saying I just need someone to pray for me to be 'delivered' from oppression"? I said, "I'm going to get killed and you know it." and my father said, dramatically, "I rebuke that in the name of Jesus." I said, "Oh really? so what 'church' do I need to go to? Which one? Who should I give my 10% to, my 'dues' to?" and he wouldn't say anything. That's when I said why don't we go for a walk and it was then that he admitted he didn't care what the truth was, he didn't want me to have a decent lawyer and didn't want the truth to be known either.

So I ran off and then got to the house, and looked at the "food" he brought in.

It all makes me very, very, sad for my son. My son is an absolute victim in this and he is going to be raised up within a family of gangsters who don't even care if he's hurt or not and will force him to be a part of their own system.

I told my Dad I didn't want any trouble for anyone. I just wanted my son, and, I said, why is there such a monumental force against my HAVING my son? What is this huge effort all about? Why is it this big of a deal. I said I wanted my son and to be independent and able to make money on my own merit, regardless of "affiliation" and that if no one would give me a chance in Washington, I knew I could do it somewhere else.

Then, today, I saw my own father giving these "looks" to others, behind my back, like he was nodding with them and going along with them, and I was the one outside of the loop. He knows all of this. We got back to the house, and the guy who owns this place I guess, put a spoon turned down outside next to the walk and then a knife on my counter downstairs. I guess this is supposed to mean, that stupid idea of "grain? or rain?" I've seen this symbolic stuff with the silverware before and God knows what it's from but someone hacked into my laptop one time and wrote "You expectin' grain or rain?" Like, do you want to eat or not, bc the people here try to control even that.

What he probably doesn't know, or maybe he knows more than I think if he's throwing all these messages at me, is that there is a hell of a lot more I could say. I don't even think HE knows the half of it.

The only other time my Dad got nervous as all was when I talked about how I knew God, the real God in heaven, cared about what was going on, and that if he helped me and my son I would pray for blessings for him and I knew it would come to pass. I told my Dad that even if it appeared God wasn't doing much for me, I knew he cared about me and knew I was faithful to him because he wouldn't give me the gifts he's given me if he didn't. I feel those who bless me, eventually, will be blessed, and that those who do wrong to me and my son, maybe not right away, but eventually, God will avenge.

I have decided to publish something I wrote a day ago or two, which I wasn't going to publish but I'm publishing it now, as my P.S. and ending to this post. It is labled under "thinking about my son (not to publish)" from 1/16/10 and I had saved it only in draft form after writing, as I've done sometimes in the past. It is a sort of thought torwards my son and prayer to God.