Theme: Refine/dreams & doping again & my music video montage (jewish, muslim, christian)

Dreams. I had lots of them last night, and I don't remember even one. I'm dreaming so fluidly and fast. But nothing must be very important because the important ones you don't forget. Not to say just because you remember, they were important, but usually, the important ones have a msg and you don't forget, even if you can't figure out what the message is.

This morning I got a very large cup of coffee and a donut (shouldn't have had the donut but oh well) and then walked to this bench near a park where the same men were sitting. I said, "You guys were here, in the same spot, yesterday." And they said yeah. Then I said to one of them, "Are you a cop or know a cop that's close to you?" and he said, "No, I'm not a cop." Then added, "My brother is a cop."

Then a large piece of paper was picked up by the wind and stuck to my leg. It curled all the way around my right leg practically, as I stood there and thought, "God, as if I didn't feel pathetic enough." Nothing says homeless like the trash wanting to wrap itself around your leg. Don't fetch the paper, let the paper come to you. Stay warm! Be well!

So I stood there, not moving as this paper was curled around my leg, flagging in the wind and finally said to the men and to no one in particular, as I shook it off. I was waiting for it to fall off but it wouldn't fall. I shook it off and said, "What is this?" as it fell to the ground. "Sandpaper?" I stared. It was like a fine sheet of sandpaper, and I said, drily, "I guess I'm not finished yet." Thinking of the phrase, "please be patient with me, God's not finished with me yet", and then it flipped over and on the other side were two spots, one larger than the other. I said, "Please God" in a flat tone, "Don't give up on me." And then it fluttered away.

Come on! all I need is a little refining. Cough.

Yesterday I did a little reading in the Bible and I've been reading a little more of the Old Testament bc I am so familiar with the New. I probably know a little more than many, just from reading so much, but I definitely know the New Testament better so I've read more of the Old lately. I read about the glory of God, at random, which Ezekiel saw as a rainbow. Then, about an hour later, I walked past this green sedan that had the hood to the trunk popped up and there was this irridescent rainbow across the top of it. Seriously. It was maybe a 1/2 hour to an hour later. It just reminded me of the passage then, about the glory of God.

I read several things last night before having dinner with some people and then I asked God, show me something that is just about you and that you would like me to read and think about right now. I say this sometimes bc sometimes I ask, "God, what do you think about this?" or about my life or people and then I have found there has been this totally inverse response when I have asked God for something about only him and not me. What I have found is that when I have done this, often, it's when I'm not expecting anything for myself, that all of a sudden, this blessing comes attached to my request to know or think of something that isn't about me, but God alone. So then, the hard part about having eaten from the tree of knowledge, is that this "knowledge" presents in my mind so I'm then guarding against asking about God for Himself when I have already seen or known there may be a blessing in it for me. I don't want it to be about me, but how can I ignore the fact that I already have seen where the blessing is? So then, the task seems to be to guard against pride. It's kind of like doing a good deed and then someone gives you something even better in return and then you realize there is this pattern and at some point, you're telling yourself, "Are you still doing this for God?" or "But I know there is a blessing and that's not what I'm going after! but how can I say I don't know good things are in store, possibly, if I ask in this way?" Just knowing, the ability of recognizing and "knowing" is what can lead to pride, and takes away from this ignorant bliss of being self-unaware.

There was no real big revelation with it, this time, that I saw, but all these ideas came to my mind. So I turned at random and landed on some passage, a genealogy passage about priests. So that's what I read. It was inbetween a section about Benjamites and Levites. It was just names and numbers, how many of them there were.
************
This morning I looked up a kaddish and then clicked off, when I realized, Oh. Kaddish is a chant for death. I got one said from Auschwitz. Then I decided to click on a muslim chant, with the idea that God is one, even if others disagree with the context or Jesus, or prophets or whose side God is on. And I picked out one that is called, "Mohammed-I wish." I put the link enclosed to this blog post. There is a piece of art with it but I don't know what it means because, obviously, I can't read Arabic or Farsi or whatever language it's in. Then I clicked on a link she posted with it and it leads to islamic radio in Sydney, Australia and I looked at the site and the boys look like my son.

My son, I think, looks like he could be white, mexican, or esp., middle eastern, italian. He could almost blend into any of the different cultures because of his features. He looks like some of the boys on the site (by the heading of Ya Tayba) and then I went down to the bottom of the page and there are drummers and an "O" on a sign in the background and it made me think of him because of the o, and because he told me he likes drums best, for musical instruments. At least for now, that's what he says. And I felt good energy with looking up that song. Then I looked up the poster and it's from "aicp1" and she describes herself, in occupation, as: Student of Knowledge. The motto on her blog is "Allah exists without a place" which is true, I think, with most religions agreeing God cannot be contained and is everywhere. I think God honors projects to make something beautiful in his name, using our talents for his glory, but I also think it's true that we agree, essentially, maybe his favorite place to be is in our hearts. The woman at the bottom of the page with the drummers is in black and green and holds up an Australian flag. I'll put up the other kaddish I found too,, with the link, just because I looked it up, but this one with song i wish I felt good energy with especially, for today.

And I got some kind of impression, but maybe it was my imagination, that someone, a man, thought or said, in shock, "There is a God." I don't know what that's about but that's an impression I had. Maybe an agnostic or atheist person or something?
*********************
The bad news is that I was doped up again. Without my consent. My eye is droopy today because of it and yesterday and the day before, and I told my mother yesterday, before I ever got the droopy eye, that I was postive something was added to my food or drink. And then today I have the droopy eye. I had dinner with some people last night but that wasn't it, I don't think.

I noticed feeling odd and that something wasn't right immediately before I came to Texas, when I was still in TN. It was the day or two right before I left, about 1 day before I left. I was given something to eat and that's when I reported extreme and severe stomach cramping. Which is one thing I appeared at ER in TX for.

I don't want to live in the U.S.

At every single turn, my rights have been disrespected.

I asked my parents too, again, "Are either one you appointed to be 'guardians' for me for medical things?" and they acted offended but I said, "No doctor writes about having talked to "the guardian" or "patient and/or guardian" in the medical records of an ADULT unless there is some kind of court appointment. My mom kept saying no and I said, "Throughout this entire record written by this woman (in TX) she keeps referring to a "guardian" or talks about having talked to the patient and or guardian. If there wasn't a guardian, she'd just say patient. Why even mention "guardian" if the person is an adult? I got denials.

I said, "Well either there is a guardian, or she wanted me to think there was, or she wouldn't have even included "guardian" in her report." If there is a guardian, a doctor might add they spoke to that person for legal reasons besides. They would want to cover their bases, by mentioning they offered certain tests to "patient and/or guardian". She lied about a lot of things, including checking my swelling of my arm when she didn't.

My arm is still swollen, by the way. It's been 2 weeks. Something isn't right and yet I don't think the right views were taken, on X-ray, of this part. I will give it another week, but something isn't right still.

But why would this doctor say she offered lumbar puncture test/CT to the "patient and/or guardian" unless she ran this by a guardian? She certaintly didn't run it past me. And she felt she could lie about me and what she did with me and get away with it too. Because she lied about doing a physical exam of my arm.

I believe I was given something in TN, right before I left for TX and then I also noticed something odd after eating a PBJ sandwich yesterday. I wasn't sure about it, but all of a sudden, I had eaten different things and no problem and then I ate this PBJ I was given and suddenly there was this antihistamine effect and I wondered what had been in the PBJ.

I don't want to live here.

I have people still illicitly medicating me and experimenting with me while I have been in the middle of attempting to fight for custody of my son.

HOW THE HELL do you think it's POSSIBLE for me to FIGHT FOR MY SON while I'm being falsely arrested numerous times, kept out of work, and MEDICATED repeatedly?

This has not put me at a MAJOR disadvantage?

While claiming to be "helping" me, they screw me up while they stall and delay to keep the clock ticking for insurance companies to make sure my son loses his rights to compensation for medical damages he incurred at childbirth. The time marches on while I am defamed and others have time to tweak their stories and steal and destroy evidence.

I am about to leave this country for humanitarian reasons if not political asylum. I have FAR more than I even need, to prove claim for residence in another country for humanitarian reasons. Political asylum would be much more difficult, but even that is not impossible. For humanitarian cause all I have to show is the repeated jailings, forced non-consensual medications, violations of privacy and abuse. For political asylum, I could even probably come up with enough evidence for this, even though it's almost unheard of, coming from the U.S.

I'm not kidding. I was fine, all day and yesterday and then all of a sudden, I ate this PBJ I was given and suddenly my sinuses were clearing up and I could smell all kinds of things. PBJ's are not magical sandwiches. It was something inside of it and it wasn't bread, nor was it peanut butter, nor was it the jelly or jam.

Then these guys came over to talk to me. I had some impression of one of them in a white lab coat and he said no, he wasn't a doctor. I asked if he was from Stanford and he said no but when I asked, I had thought he was from NY. No one told me he was living in CA. But his son lived in NY and I assumed or thought he did as well but I kept getting "Stanford". And then later that evening, when we met for dinner, they told me he lived in California.

He lives in CA and I just so happened to randomly get some idea that he was connected to Stanford. And I had thought I was told he was from NY but I still had the impression of Stanford.
*****************
I put on the link for the kaddish I found. It's above. Then I found out, "Oh, it's a chant for dead people? great." It's from poster "rebezra" and the featured blog is one for NY bongos to "wake up the people". I look over at my coffee cup that I got from the 7-11 and it says in bold:

WAKE UP!

from a poster with israel, about bongos, to a pakistani or arabic poster with drums.

Anyway, my cup sleeve that says WAKE UP says: WAKE UP to coffee and a donut for less dough.

Where can I do that? God is maybe telling me to find The Donut-Man.
*****************
So i'm looking for a hassidic chant then, and I landed on one for kabbalah but I'm not really a fan of it. So I don't want to click on it. I think Kabbalah is like the wiccan side of Judaism and most truly orthodox don't agree with it, with use of pendulems and heebee-jeebee rituals. If someone is a prophet, they might look for signs or do weird things, yeah, but the weirdest thing will be how God speaks to them, not some kind of chain of symbolic voodoo rites. That's my opinion. Maybe I don't know everything, but that's just what I think. I landed on Avenue Malkenu by Kabbalah Dream Orchestra.

Going to just skip and find something else and then find a different Muslim chant and then christian and then who knows.

I went to a random one and sort of was across from hassidic chant in NY but paused and I might go back but then went to random again and it was the same song as one I found a few days ago, the song of the Oppressed, by the same singer: link number 3. then the orthos in NY, link 4. Link 5, ethiopian muslim chant--menzuma. If you listen to the clapping rhythm of the hassidic jews and then the bongos of the muslim chant, they are the same time rhythm. And both clips use a faster rhythm and then slowed down too. Kind of interesting. If you go back and forth between them, they have symmetry. They have the exact same elements of rhythm. And the bongos sound like bongos and clapping too, like the clapping of the Hassidic Jews in NY. anyway, I didn't know what was on these clips. I just picked them out randomly.

Then I heard something in my other ear (no headphone) on t.v. about Christian blessing and then the news with Robert Gates came on. And Gates is talking right now, on Fox news.

I went to "pentecostal christian" and was going to choose a song and the one I got at random was a Malay christian song by the poster "blessbob". Oh it's malayalam, from a pentecostal Eastern Indian christian church. link 6. I have no clue what they're singing but I put it up anyway.

Then I looked up "blessbob" and a video comes up, "in the name of the Lord" and I watched the whole thing and at the end there is a blessing and prayer for Divine Intervention. It lists verses from psalms and "Lord, we need your protection" and then a blessing and prayer. The only words I understand in the whole song are "Hallelujah". link 7. it's from Kerala, India and has a web channel called "powervision".

Ummm...Kinda afraid of where to go next. maybe this is a good stopping point, y'think? Tempted to keep doing a random search, out of curiosity, but that was a good note...SO...weird though. Blessbob made me think of my Dad (of course! and god bless him), and then at the same time there was Bob Gates to the side, giving his last interview. I don't know what the deal is with the gray car driving all around in the video. Gates was wearing gray, but anyway, no, I"m not nuts.

I just sewed up tears in my jeans with gray thread. My jeans, 1 pr I have worn over and over, started to tear and I had a sewing kit with me so I repaired the tears with gray thread on the top where the denim was more faded and gray blended best, and then dark blue at the bottom for a couple of holes where the denim was darker and dark blue blended best. Then, right after I did this, while singing in the hot tub, I went to a church and someone gave me a shirt that was made with a decorative trim of the same colors, gray and navy/midnight blue.

I smelled it and thought, "It smells Russian" but who knows. It reminded me of the pit smell of the woman medical professional in Wenatchee who was from Moscow and whose BO smelled like mine. I was like, "I have Russian BO?" Anyway, I washed it and wore it and also, someone knew that I needed a short sleeve shirt and I had asked God for at least one too.

I had a style in mind too and thought about it and had said, "God I need a shirt" and then after I sewed up my jeans, I got the shirt that matched what I had asked for.

It wasn't an exact idea I had in mind, except for a specific style. I had thought, "I need a short sleeve shirt, maybe sort of loose and blousy and a little longer to partially cover my backside (falling to mid hip) this shirt was the exact same form I had in mind. AND it had the same color of threads I had just used to stitch my jeans up with. And it also made me think of this sunset I saw in TN before I left, where the sun was going down and at first was in a ^ like a triangle coming from the sun and then it split into 3 parts from the ^ with 3 streams of light, still in a ^ shape and I noticed and then this shirt has that same design on the lower half--a ^ with 3 sections.

Sort of meant-to-be.

1. same form of shirt I thought would be good for the weather and that I considered in my mind,
2. matched the design of the sunset I noticed when I left TN for TX, the day before.
3. same color of threads I had just used to stitch up my jeans.

I didn't directly pray to God, "God, I need a shirt" I just thought, sort of to God and sort of to myself, "It's hot here and I might have to buy a shirt at a thrift store...maybe something like..." and thought about what kind would be all-purpose and would be okay with my 1 pr. of jeans and everything and I had the form in my mind then and then I got the same shirt. And what's even stranger, is I got it just a few hours after I had stitched my jeans up with the same thread and then I randomly went to a building and a woman gave it to me. It was totally random that I ended up in that building at that exact same time.

Then my jeans tore again and I stitched them again, better this time.

I decided, "I am not going to allow my jeans to tear into flaps like what happened once in Wenatchee" so I sewed everything up as soon as it happened.
****************
I looked at pentecostal christian again and chose one with 2 pink roses since I saw the same thing at the Adolfus hotel when I've been there.

Oh, and guess what? I saw a photo of Queen E there yesterday too. The first day I was there, I never saw it. I just went there to eat right after the video of the woman kissing the scarf and I went to the french room and ended up next to a painting with the same design. Then the second time, yesterday, I went there to eat again and this time I saw a photo of Queen Elizabeth and read she had once stayed there at that hotel and it was a photo of her with a letter. Also, Marilyn Monroe stayed there and some others.

link 9. looked up Hawaii's calvary assembly of god's 50th anniversary but the music was disabled so I'm going to something else.

link10. randomly to a clip with something about 50 again, and hillsong worship but the music is disabled and it won't allow me to post the link. from Jesus Charismatic Assembly of God (Brgy 9 Bacarra, Ilocos Norte), "Now is the time to worship" and link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qz_R6peOCoI. I don't know what's happening to the music but it's disabled again, on my end at least. but this is another link from hillsong: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b0p636xeDVU&feature=related. I don't know what they're saying here, but here's a sign team doing a worship performance: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=STRRZ0R5Xkg.

I guess I'll put 2 more. Here's one: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zfkOp5JUPoY&feature=related.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kh0TC6Er92o&feature=related

It was my headphones. The music was disabled on a video that wasn't authorized but then I realized it was my headphones so I fixed it.

Anyway. Happy Father's Day Dad! And Happy Father's Day to the other Fathers too.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oCwDtSFMjdw&feature=related. Another song I clicked on.

And then I wanted a scripture verse at random so I prayed and then randomly picked something out and it was this, Philipians 1:6, "Being confident of this, that he who began good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." (sand away? umm, thinking now that I'm glad it was fine sandpaper and not the rougher kind? PLEASE, let it be a good sign!) and then I looked at this author's page and what kinds of books she writes: http://www.christianbook.com/Christian/Books/cms_content/1234173170?page=560362&sp=67484&event=1001RNF8190311001

Strong Tower: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dtL7GV7ivHU&feature=related

Switched from youtube to pandora and skipped to the song "Oh How He Loves Us" by David Crowder band.

Then looked up "scripture verses, glory of god" and got something from H.P. Smith on the conception of the glory of god but couldn't open it so went to other random and it was a site that listed 7 scriptures about glory of god but then I clicked and 3 are there. 2nd Corinth. 4:6, about the light, Psalm 19:1, about nature displaying the glory of God (behind every design is a designer), and Matthew 5:16, about light.http://barnabasleadership.wordpress.com/2007/09/17/seven-scripture-verses-and-comments-on-the-glory-of-god/.

I kept trying to find something about HP Smith but I couldn't find much. He's from the 1800s. I found him. His name is Henry Preserved Smith and he's a theologian. I first got a link to an article by him about the "The Scriptural Conception of the Glory of God".

Goodness. As soon as things start coming in fluidly there is always a detractor or group that wants to usurp what God is doing. Coming in to say things to annoy me, or mock me, and right now, it's like water off of my back because nothing anyone says can touch me. If God chooses to move, nothing will obstruct his work. Nothing, and it is in these moments that I feel surrounded by a protective shield which takes the insults and they bounce right back where they came from.

I just put on Pandora again and one of my favorite songs came on, Hosanna and it's one that's live from BERLIN, GERMANY! Go Germany. It's from Hillsong United. I really love this song and then I thought, while reaching for my Bible, "God, give me a verse right now" and I picked it up and turned at random, onto the same theme...about God completing his work.

It is from the Book of Daniel. I came across this:

"Those who are wise will instruct many, though for a time they will fall by the sword or be burned or captured or plundered. When they fall, they will receive little help, and many who are not sincere will join them. Some of the wise will stumble, so that they may be refined, purified, and made spotless until the time of the end, for it will still come at the appointed time." Daniel 11:33-35.

And I just feel it is this small section alone that is speaking to the theme of God as a refiner of our character.

Oh my gosh. I just read the rest of this end passage. Right before the refining passage, it talks about "With flattery he will corrupt (someone else, the deciever) those who have violated the covenant but the people who know their God will firmly resist him."

Then there is the verse about the wise being refined.

Next it talks about the king or ruler who exalts himself brought down by pride and then the end times:

12. At that time Michael, the great prince who protects your people, will arise. There will be a time of distress such as has not happened from the beignning of nations until then. But at that time your people--everyone whose name is found written in the book--will be delivered.

Multitudes who sleep in the dust of the earth will awake: some to everlasting life, others to shame and everlasting life, others to shame and everylasting contempt. Those who are wise will shine like the brightness of the heavens, and those who lead many to righteousness, like the stars for ever and ever. But you, Daniel, close up and seal the words of the scroll until the time of the end. Many will go here and there to increase knowledge. Then I, Daniel, looked, and there before me stood two others, one on this bank of the river and one on the opposite bank. One of them said to the man clothed in linen, who was above the waters of the river, "How long will it be before these astonishing things re fulfilled?"

The man clothed in linen, who was above the waters of the river, lifted his right hand and his left hand toward heaven, and I heard him swear by him who lives forever, saying, "It will be for a time, times and half a time." When the power of the holy people has been finally broken, all these things will be completed."

I heard, but I did not understand. So I asked, "My lord, what will the outcome of all this be?" He replied, "Go your way, Daniel, because the words are closed up and sealed the time of the end. Many will be purified, made spotless, and refined, but the wicked will continue to be wicked. None of the wicked will understand, but those who are wise will understand."

Then I wanted to look up fine art. So I got the idea of Melchizedek and found one by Peter Paul Ruben, a Flemish man persecuted for converting from Catholicism to Protestantism, who fled to Belgium. The Meeting of Abraham and Melchizedek.

I sort of thought about where I should go next and "art" and "Melchizedek" came to mind. So I typed in, paintings of Melchizedek. And what came up was The Meeting of Abraham and Melchizedek.

I don't understand it all. I went to the wiki on Melchizedek. The wiki on Melchizedek is super heavy, even for me. A lot of symbolism. I wonder why I had it brought to mind about Melchizedek when I was led to Daniel's passage first. I'll probably read and reread this wiki on Melchizedek. I found the Rubens' painting first and then on wiki there is another rendition as well. The Ruben's tapestry is in the national gallery in Washington D.C.

There are others. I've been looking up paintings of Melchizedek and there is the sacrifice of him, and offerings, and several. One where I can't see it, by William Hunt, led to a section about water from the rock and then I found something about "place of rest" which sort of corresponds to what I was reading in the Book of Daniel, the end line is: "As for you, go your way till the end. You will rest, and then at the end of the days you will rise to receive your allotted inheritance."

Here is the link to "The Smitten Rock" (following Melchizedek):http://www.victorianweb.org/religion/type/ch2.html

I didn't find a Hunt Melchizedek painting but I found one for light of the world and like how the moon! is used for the halo. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Hunt_Light_of_the_World.jpg

I found it. William Hunt's stained glass interpretation of Melchizedek. I found it on some orthodox catholic irish clover site. I looked for it everywhere and right now, with google, the victorian web won't pull it up so I found it here, but not in color: http://orthodoxcatholicnew.tripod.com/id4.html. I looked up William Hunt and he is said to have been evangelical.

Sort of fun to look up different connections to scripture and art.

Oh cool. I just found an excellent site with lots of listings. It is www something and has the Alexander master and several others I've never seen (never thought to look up actually).http://www.biblical-art.com/biblicalsubject.asp?id_biblicalsubject=51&pagenum=1

I don't know. I went random with the art and didn't look but directed the cursor to a random biblical topic for art and landed on David, Saul, and Solomon from I Kings and then did it again and ended up on art for "God's Promise to David". and then found something about a covenant which I looked up through Bible Basics study 3.5--the promise to David.http://www.biblebasicsonline.com/english/Study03ThePromisesofGod/0305PromiseToDavid.html.

I like this song by Switchfoot, "Always".

The other verse I flipped to at random while looking things up, was Psalms. From Daniel to psalms and I found this: Yet he saved them for his name's sake, to make his mighty power known. He rebuked the Red Sea, and it dried up; he led them through the depths as through a desert. He saved them from the dhnad of the foe; from the hand of the enemy he redeemed them. from Psalms 106

The energy seems really good. I will have to study more later. I need to eat.

The last thing I turned to, flipping back, landed on Aaron in the passage of The Day of Atonement which corresponds to the end times and purification, through all the other passages I found today.

To him who sits on the throne and to the Lamb be praise and honor and glory and power, for ever and ever! The four living creatures said, "Amen" and the elders fell down and worshiped. Revelations 4:13. Leaving off here with the song "Hungry" by Kutless.