Wednesday, June 8, 2011

music and other & medication without consent (again)

I have to comment on this song..."the blowers daughter" by damien rice on O. I really like it. I picked out the irglov and hansle duo and just a lot of nice songs. I thought for a split second I would guess what someone was wearing but I didn't think or focus or pray at all and I thought I had something and then it was just the man outside the office as it turned out (maybe). I thought, "okay what's harry's shirt" and I thought it was just plain black short sleeved. probably wrong and no prayer first, so I don't think it's right. But then I went out to grab a cup of tea and there was a man there wearing the same kind of shirt. Of a totally different nationality too, so no connection, but I think it was maybe like getting something random before seeing it, as I did before going to the jail (seeing the file cabinet and the finger printing machine with someone's fingers over it). I didn't try to guess about anyone else bc I wasn't even focusing or praying about harry's and just idle for a moment...

looking up news and things.

It was cute to hear my son was enjoying watching this Disney movie "Tangled". I looked it up and it made me smile as this morning I washed my hair in the sink and then it was all tangled and I was drawing a comb through it for awhile, to untangle. Sometimes I don't even use a comb, just throw my hair up. But this morning, for the first time in months, I used a comb. Otherwise, I separate my hair with my fingers, for rollers or to just put up. Seriously, I don't think I've used a comb or brush on it for at least 1 full month and it was sort of cute to think of my son watching this movie as I had finally used a comb to work through tangles today. Then I twisted it up into a knot and fixed it to the back of my head. I am trying to curl it everyday, per my fast to God, but there is a jubilee here and there for the wandering homeless who are shut out of even the shelters, I think. ?

like "lament" by balmorea on "river's arms". If that's the one..a piano piece.

I believe I was possibly medicated again.

I will know in a day or two for sure.

I was just have noticed that I was finally starting to come out of the fog and normal hair was just starting to grow like normal again and my energy level was back. I had more clarity and focus and finally started working on a timeline with very good progress.

All of a sudden, it was gone and I believe it's due to medication. I had the same feeling as I did the time last, and I think something was possibly done. I lost my focus, energy, and drive and haven't even felt or been able to work on the timeline with the same clarity.

I think of the comment from Princess Diana, about "every time I came up for air, I was pushed down again" and can say just a few days ago, this quote came to me in a whole new way. I suddenly thought of it and related to it in how perfectly it describes my perpetually being medicated against my will and without consent, tortured, and jailed on false arrest while I have always been the innocent party and the victim. Every single time I just start to feel like normal again, I have someone drugging me and it is exactly like this. I rise, am rising, to surface, and then I am blugeoned with a hammer.

I found a song called "Thou hast doves eyes" after looking up the movie "Tangled". I watched the flower song from tangled and incantation for healing. Then I watched some songs in arabic and christian music and then went to random pick a song in hassidic about "oppression" over and over. And then from there, from the song of oppression or hassidic chant, thought, draw my eye to the next one and I didn't know what to pick. looked and looked and then it came to mind, "with one look of your have captured my heart with one look of your eye." and so I typed this in and found a 17th century song with flowers on the video like that of the flower in the tangled movie and then the next one I chose was by Abraham Joliet and I really like it. Sort of a very light glimmer song. Short. and descending like the scene in "the piano". the one that is of a chant about oppression made me think of the law against officers in Tennessee (or FBI) from using official oppression to deprive someone of a right. but of course, more than that.

overall, most of the day was such a suprise to be normal and safe and without torture. until this evening about 15 minutes ago, but it quit. i watched "her warfare is accomplished" .

on news, read from al jazeera about palestinian children. Good article about the kids there. And I watched the video from zawahiri but would like to see the full version rather than the CNN edited version. the guys commenting said he was just faking approval of the uprisings in the middle east to gain favor but then I read his bio and he himself had been tortured in Egypt while a prisoner, so I don't necessarily think he's being insincere. I tried to find pakistani music too but there wasn't anything on pandora. The other thing, did you know Pakistan had a woman president in 1970 or the 1970s? and we have this idea that they do not have respect for women, but in many ways they do. I also read and agreed that muslims are not all the same. they don't all agree with eachother.

Then I had "amar" come to mind so I clicked on a link that featured Julia Roberts. Turns out to be eat, pray, love. One of my best friends always recommended that book to me but I never looked it up, and never saw the movie. but, tonight I saw the trailer...

(and yo ho ho, may be living in one very shortly!)

I decided to pray and ask to be directed to something that would have meaning to someone else and I went to my bible first. I got "Teacher (rabbi), where are you staying?" they asked. "Come, and you will find out!" and Jesus leads them to his living quarters and has his first disciples. He first looked behind him and saw them following and said, "What are you doing?" basically. It was the 10th hour. Luke 2:37-39.

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