music: Maps & Oliver & Forgiving the Enemy

I first listened to a song that cut off but I looked it up because I liked it. "Maps" and it starts out, "Pack up, I'm straight...pack up..." and goes on with "wait" and "maps" and refrain of "They don't love you like I love you." over and over. Made me think of my son. No one loves my son the way I do. No one. I never have told him this. I have preferred to tell him, "A lot of people love you" and not limit his understanding of love as only with me, but I know in my heart, that I am the only one who loves him completely. I am the only one.

Saying, "There are a lot of people who love you" and "So many people love you" is not a lie. It's true, but it is like not getting to the point. In a target with my love as the bullseye, the center of the truth is this: "No one loves you Oliver, the way your mother loves you." I am the bullseye.

So it's not a lie to say "So many people love you" but it's missing the mark.

I say this, because I try to be respectful of others and their love for him and it's good for him to know he is not alone. However, on the scale, I know God loves him most, and then it's me and there is no one else that loves him like I do. No one.

The other day he accidentally picked up the phone and said, "You have a kid?" when I told him I keep a Thomas the train with me that is just like the one he has, to think of him. Before this, I carried one of his baby shoes with me. One with a little giraffe on leather. I said to answer his question, "No, I don't have any other kids--just you, and you're the only one I want! I don't want any other kids and I don't play with any other kids either! You're my only kid."

He wanted to know because he wondered why I had a toy with me. I told him it was to think of him. And then he got so excited about this idea that after he left to watch a movie he really wanted to watch, he ran back and said "I want to talk to Mama again!" and said very fast, "Mama, I have a Thomas the train t-shirt too!" I wonder if he wanted to know if I also had a Thomas the train t-shirt.

As for my saying I didn't want any other kids, that's not true. I would like to have more kids and would be happy with his having a brother or sister. But there is no good reason to say this to him when he's 5 years old and wonders why his mother is not with him.

I think through every single thing I say to my son. I carefully choose my words and think about how they will be interpreted through his understanding.

I wanted him to really believe I had a Thomas the Train like his so I said, "I press the button and it lights up and says: Hello! I'm Thomas!" "And it says, "Cinders and ashes!" "And I press the button and think about you." And he interrupted excitedly and said, "Yes! I think that's the one I have!" and I kept repeatedly, in the same voice and rhythm the voice has for the train:

"Hello! I'm Thomas!"

"Cinders and ashes!"

I actually had it my bag because I had ordered one for him online and it was shipped and then I was going to return the other one I had thought I was wrapping to mail myself. But I had it in my bag and on April 29th, I took it out and had it in front of my computer and thought, "I think I'm just keeping this, to be a connection to my son."

I just decided, "I've been toting this around and why not just keep it?" so I was sitting there in the middle of the night and I took it out of the packaging and pressed the button on it for the first time: "Hello! I'm Thomas!" I pressed it again. "Cinders and ashes!" and thought, "I don't know what the cinders and ashes is about but my son probably does. I think that's all it says. I've never heard another phrase. There are 2 phrases that it repeats and when you press down on the button it says something and the headlights in the front turn on like a mini-flashlight.

I just looked it up now. It's a exclamation of surprise or shock that the engines in the Thomas series use around eachother (like, "Oh my!").

So my son told me about his T-shirt that he got and waited to hear what I said and then went to the movie he really wanted to watch.

In the meantime, I saw a few men in wheelchairs today. I had just been on the phone and saying, "I cannot live this way" and it's true. And what has been done to me to force me to live like a homeless person is not forgiveable. There are things that happen because someone is lazy or it's their own fault, and then there are things that happen because some group is corrupt. Then I saw the men in wheelchairs and thought about my saying, "I cannot live this way" and in context with their being in wheelchairs and how they might think the same thing sometimes. But then I thought, "There is a difference between accepting what you cannot possibly control or change, or accepting something that should and can be different."

For example, the serenity prayer about accepting what cannot be changed and having wisdom to know the difference between what is impossible to change and what is not impossible.

It is impossible to change some things. For example, if I were without legs, I would expect I could not ever change that. I cannot grow a new leg. I can get prothesis, but it is foolish to think I will have my legs back.

When it comes to what has been done with my son and my reputation...there is not one thing that can't be changed.

The only thing that I cannot change, is the time that has gone by. I will never share my son's 2nd, 3rd, 4th birthdays and for this, I will not and do not believe God will forgive the State of Washington and others involved.

If I loved my son less, I would "let it go" and I would not fight.

I will fight to the death.

And I have already been fighting to the death, and been tortured almost daily for it, persecuted and defamed, and in my own country.

I woke up in the homeless shelter this morning and thought, "If I were in another country, or a refugee in another country, this might be about what I could expect. In the country where I was born and where I was very successful until corrupt parties brought me down, it's not okay and it's not acceptable."

This never would have happened if The State of Washington had not committed crime. My entire life history and timeline shows success on my record, until they damaged me and my son in childbirth and then took my child from me while I was still recovering from medical injuries that were being denied and covered up.

I do not forgive any of them. When the U.S. sends out troops to kill Taliban or other people, in Libya or elsewhere, what is Panetta saying to them. "Forgive your enemies." ? Did Panetta make the sign of the cross and pray for the forgiveness of Osama bin ladin before he ordered the hit? Did he pray for forgiveness for the actions of the U.S. against people in detention who were being systematically tortured? What does the military read to the troops before a big attack? "Pray for those who persecute you and do good to them and thereby you will heap coals upon their heads." and then I'm sure the chaplain adds to this the Lord's prayer, "And forgive us our trespasses as we forgive our tresspassors."

I forgive you as I pull the trigger?

So what are we to conclude? No one who is military will have their sins forgiven by God?

I guess God will just skip right on over the prayers of the military, for not "forgiving the enemy."

I guess Obama is screwed too, because he didn't forgive Osama bin ladin or Libyans.

The christians over in Russia and Ireland are going to hell because they killed people and didn't forgive them. They're at least not having their sins forgiven. All those Protestant and Catholic militia killers in Ireland? Sorry guys. You didn't forgive your enemy did you?

All of the Jewish and Muslim whose religions say to forgive others and pray for their enemies...well, I guess they too will not have their sins forgiven. All the Protestants and Catholics in the United States who have advocated for invasion of countries, well, clearly, you did not "forgive" your enemy for 9-11. Sigh. How mean of you. And unfortunately for you, your "Father's Prayer" is hitting the glass ceiling. God doesn't hear you.

Don't you remember? You have told ME to "forgive" my enemy. Don't you remember which verse you quoted? If you recall, you have told me to "let it go" "move on" "forgive" and "pray for those who despitefully use you" and "forgive us our trespasses as WE forgive others"...

Which "others"? Is this a conditional prayer? We just forgive SOME of the enemies? Or are our sins only forgiven if we forgive the sins of ALL our enemies?

The United States climbed poles to celebrate the assassination of Osama bin ladin. When they climbed the pole I think, but I can't remember, there was a flag being waved and on it it said, "Forgive your enemies" and everyone was chanting, in grand unison:

"We FORGAVE Osama! WE Forgave Osama! We forgave Osama!" and they swigged beer and drank whiskey and rum and gin and broke bottles of red wine to celebrate and shouted in Washington D.C., "Our Sins Are Forgiven! Our Sins Are Forgiven!" as the other group intersects "Our Sins Are Forgiven" with "We Forgave Osama!" and "We forgave The Taliban!"

Here is the Lord's Prayer, and "Gentlemen, may God be with you" says the Commander:

"And forgive us our trespasses as we forgive The Taliban".
"And forgive us our trespasses as we forgive Ghadafi"
"And forgive us our trespasses as we forgive Al Quaeda"
"And forgive us our trespasses as we forgive The Ulsters"
"And forgive us our trespasses as we forgive The FBI"

And Gentlemen, may God be with you, as we do good to The Taliban. Today, we have Orders from Leon Panetta to do good to those who despitefully use you and this is how we're going to win and heap coals upon their heads--by doing good. So this is our plan of attack men and women. Today everyone is grabbing a gift basket with the celophane wrapped around it. YOU! Sir, you, the one whose wife was killed by a member of Taliban, you are going to lay down your gun and take up this basket and you are going to present the basket of goodies to a member of Taliban. You, sir, who had your son tortured as a POW, while your son is still receiving electrical shocks and being torn from limb to limb, you are giving this basket to the man in Mexico or wherever you said this is happening (bc I forgot) and you're giving him this basket and I want you to give him a big hug too. And you, whose kids were jailed in prison and spit on and whose kids were taken from them, who cares the hell that they destroyed your son's potential and robbed you of everyone you own--you're taking the gift basket to the corrupt officials. They will never admit they did anything wrong. They will never turn themselves in. You will never your kid back unless they are investigated, but you are going to give up your only child to them. Because it's better for you to "forgive your enemy".

The argument others would make, for war, and NOT FORGIVING is this:

We are only defending ourselves.

Do you not think I have a right to defend Oliver Garrett and have criminals investigated?

Or are you going to start applying your logic to the U.S. military and everyone else, and say every person who pushes for change is "Not forgiven" "Not a christian" "Not having their sins forgiven"?

If "Doing good to others and praying for your enemies and letting it go" works so well, why does every country in the world have an ammunition stockpile? Where the diplomats can't get anywhere, and good relations don't get anywhere, and someone is being tortured and degraded, do you think God despises and looks down on a mother who refuses to "forgive" her enemies and the enemies of her son?

My enemies are not forgiven. They are also not forgotten.

If they want to be forgiven, they can atone for their sin and crimes, and compensate us for over 5 years of damages.

There is a time to "accept what cannot be changed" and there is never a time to "be stupid and stupidly surrender to something that SHOULD and CAN be changed."

Change?

I'm not the one who needs to change.

And I am not stupidly forgetting and forgiving crimes against me and my son. I am not stupidly allowing others to try to cement my reputation now and in history, as a mentally ill woman when I'm not mentally ill. I'm not allowing The Willamette Week to continue with its constant publication and republication (continual damages) of a slanderous article to go on ad nauseum, without retraction and without being sued in the future. And anyone who continues to assault me and my son and despitefully use us, for any reason, will be held accountable. Anyone trying now to head off the inevitable by keeping me down, will build further counts of assault and crime against themselves.

I do not forgive you.

I do not forgive your friends that support you.

And I do not believe you are forgiven by God.

You will get your gift basket with the cellophane when the guards give you visitation rights.