I have decided in the last couple days that my fast is now of my unbelief, which is one of the hardest things to fast, I'm finding. Time and place for everything but trying to wake up in the morning, pray a short prayer and say, "I will not do everything perfectly. I don't know how some of the things I do affect myself or others, but I am going to trust that for some reason, I will be led to walk where I should go and do what I should do. Even if I make mistakes, to believe God will hold all things together and to not worry or take second thought." (like that verse about how can we add one cubit to our lives with worry.) So, then when I feel I've done something wrong or something isn't working out, remembering, "You already prayed and you entrusted this day to God. Believe it."
Which is hard but something to go back to and recall. And then I have had moments of feeling like giving up, which is probably a new struggle that came up just to flout what I am trying to do.
Even with what I say, not everything will be "right" or perfect, but if it's at least halfway alright, and I'm trying to do my part, believing the rest will be covered. I guess, by grace.
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I think some psychic kids came into the workplace yesterday, and adults maybe. Just sensed it a little.
Sometimes I feel so awkward and don't know the right thing to say, or I feel boring but other times I find myself joking and quipping. I wish I were just relaxed all the time. I sometimes have no clue what is coming from me. Like the round table comment and how I'd make it exciting. After finding out he had a British accent for real, I think I was not very exciting at all. Sort of "haha...that was FUNNeee,..um...oh my gosh, weird. I made a round table comment (first time ever) to someone who I didn't even know had a British accent...uh, um, eh, I don't know what to say now."
One night this Italian group asked if I'd take a photo of them and I was happy to do it and had been tired all night. They looked a little worried or tense too, for some reason, just a little bit. All of a sudden, I was facing them with the camera and wanted a genuine smile from them so I said, "Well, do you want funny? or do you want serious?" A woman said in her light Italian accent, "Funny." So I said, in this NY style Italian way, "Whaddya think? You think I look FUNNY or somethin'?!"(or do I look funny to you?! something like that) and they burst out laughing and I did too. Then I thought to myself, "I don't know what just came out of me."
Yesterday I was serving this couple and I saw them and I thought, "That man makes me think of a science professor." I asked if either were teachers and they said he was. I asked what kind and he taught art. I said to them I had this idea he was a professor of some kind but I had thought science. I said, "Do you deal a lot with anatomy in your classes?" and he blushed and said yes and said they discuss how muscles are connected to the bone and everything. Then I asked the woman what she did (I don't usually ask people this question) and she said she was an administrator for The Department of Social and Health Services. They asked if I was a little bit psychic. I thought, "I wish more people could see me like this and see that I'm normal but I have a small gift sometimes and just return my son." I mean, nothing I said was psychotic or schitzo. I didn't make "random associations" that were not true or irrational. My ideas were in keeping with reality even if they were a little bit different. And it is also true that my son and I have been tortured too. It may sound difficult to believe, but it is true.
I want him returned to me and want a criminal investigation.
Anyway, other things that came to mind which I might comment on and then I have to go:
Yesterday, an impression of a man or young man making a motion with his hand and arm like a triumph thing where one makes a fist and then bends the elbow and thrusts the arm inwards. For example, like playing at a pinball machine. You pull the lever and how the arm goes in as you're pulling the lever. I thought it had to do with a game of some kind. Pool, pinball, or something else. It was at 11:15 I believe. I would have to look it up bc I wrote it down.
No dreams last night.
I should comment, about the last dream and then going to the clearance section that morning and finding boxes of hair color--It wasn't like they always have hair color on sale there. I go there all the time, almost every day or every other day, and check the clearance items and it was the first day they had ever had hair dye on clearance. And it was one row of 1 kind of blond color and then one row of 1 kind of brunette, and this right after my dream about the princess figurines that were only 2 hair colors: one kind of blond and one kind of brunette. So it was sort of weird. I've gone to that store for about 3 months almost every day now and never have they had hair color on clearance, and certaintly not matching a dream I'd just had. So it was truly unique.
I guess there is more but I will have to write later.
I guess another quip that came out of me that I didn't expect myself:
This guy came into work in a Superman shirt. A grown young man with a girlfriend. They sat down and he couldn't decide and was texting on his phone or something. after he said he couldn't decide and was still texting, I said, "That's okay, I know you're on call for your next rescue or whatever"--and then added, since I'd already commented on his shirt earlier, "--I thought it was going to be a 'to-go' order." I said it drily. Then he laughed out loud and ordered.
Most of the time I am not very clever.
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