Thursday, March 17, 2011

Today (impression of Virginia & tech violence now)

This morning I woke up after a long night and had horrible circles under my eyes.

There was still some tech stuff happening when I was at work last night and I believe this is what affected the collagen under my eyes. Nothing else would explain it bc I slept well and ate well yesterday. Everything was fine, and no problems with rude people at all, but still some tech stuff.

Then at one point, it was weird because this guy came in who just slightly resembled Will O'Wales, but in a nurse or medical pants suit. He came in, this medical person, right after I had something done to my heart and chest area. So then my next guest was a medical person and what was weird, was that he said he did facial reconstruction (no IDs) and then I asked where he worked. I asked God about him and got "Virginia." So I thought maybe he'd worked in Virginia. I asked where he'd worked and he said TN and S. Carolina. I clarified by saying, "no other states?" and he said no. Then I later asked him, straight out, "Have you ever been to Virginia?" and he said, "Yes, as a matter of fact, I was born in Richmond, VA." I said, "Did you live there?" and he said yes, he grew up there and then left for his career and hadn't wanted to go back. I said, "I wondered because I kept getting VA about you."

But I was getting Arlington, VA, not Richmond. I guess I should say, I got VA and then I wondered what about VA and CIA sort of came to mind or some kind of organization there. I wasn't sure if it was forensic or what, but it crossed my mind. The only thing that felt positive was VA. The other stuff I was unsure of. So I asked. I guess I was close enough to raise the eyebrows of the couple sitting at a table nearby.

I want my son back. No strings attached.

Later that night there were a few other things involving technology and hardly anyone was around. Then nothing until this morning, when I first sat down at a computer, it was computer 15, and it had to have been the black man who sat in front of me or the white man who sat to my only side, because the computer started buzzing, to where I could put my hand on the desk and feel a very mild vibration and I was feeling one of the various burning sensations. The white guy on the computer next to me, computer 16, said his parents had been in the Army and he was going in. I had a feeling it might be the guy who was directly across from me though. If they are using all their time, they are still there because they signed up for an hour of computer use. It was bad enough to where I had to close down the computer I was at and start over with another one. Where I haven't had this kind of noticeable thing happen. But they should still have about 20 minutes left on their computers so if someone wants to check it out they can.

There was no one behind me and no one to my left side, so the only people in immediate proximity would be the two guys, unless you count sky (as the bird flys) or some other odd factor I wouldn't know about.

It's violence. It's assault. And if someone believes they are not liable for going to jail for it, they are wrong.

I'm going to go back and see if the same people are still on the computers (3rd floor of the library in downtown Nashville). From what I can tell, it's still the same people who are there, FYI.

Someone investigating would only have to check on the computer and see who was on the computers signing up at around 9:10 or so and compare this with other possibilities.
On a lighter note...

I was sort of wondering what was going on yesterday and I think on one small part it was Will O'Wales coverage. I had wondered because I wasn't following any of the news and then saw all these men in blue shirts and blazers and for some reason, P.W. came to my mind. I even had the impression that some people hadn't wanted me to change what I had originally thrown on that morning (blue denim jeans, black long sleeved shirt, and grey shawl). I switched to a cream cableknit and pink scarf and it was like some were happy about it and others not. That sound totally ludicrous--who CARES what I'm wearing, but I intuited it mattered to some for some reason, maybe just prediction's sake.

Then this morning I heard news coverage as I applied my make up but I didn't walk over to look and then I thought, "I should have gone over to see what he was wearing at least." I was already dressed this morning at the gym when I overheard something about earthquakes and NZ (I have good feelings about NZ...I think of it as my personal pig and santa state, inside thing there--maybe it's just the lush imagery and music). So anyway, I had some idea about blue shirt and blazer, which was what I wanted to know, bc I saw it yesterday and thought of it in connection with him, and then I left and got oatmeal from the cafe and as I went around the corner, I saw news coverage, the end bit, about him from a different station. He was wearing blue shirt, black blazer (I think it was black). That was all I looked at. And I noticed, I thought, he looks slightly thin. Face and everything--looking healthy but maybe on the sort of thinner side.

The clip I saw ended when someone gave him a baseball hat to put on and he did. I couldn't tell what the emblem on it was. Probably a horseshoe or something, but with my bad sight, it looked like an "O" and I thought about my son. It is St. Patricks Day and I used to wear green, for fun, on this day but CPS and some others sort of spoiled that by serving me with termination of my parental rights (which is all a fraud, come to find out) on this day. So this morning I had put on the t-shirt I had in my locker, of "O's". It's a white tee with black and grey O's all over it. Then I put on a pink sweatshirt and scarf over this but I think it's going to be a sunny day and I'm hoping it is going to be warm enough to wear just a t-shirt.

After this, I went to the water fountain next to the library and sat by the water to wait for the library to open. I ended up sitting next to what looked like one popcorn seed or kernel. Which made me think about how much my son likes popcorn and looked forward to my bringing in popcorn for our visits. And I thought about the verse about "with faith like a mustard seed you can move mountains."

I pinched off some of the juniper berries from the juniper tree next to me and flicked it into the water, to smell the scent on my fingers from the juniper and notice 6 cents in the fountain.

This is the weird synchronisty of the morning, for me. For some strange reason, right after I saw the t.v. clip of P.W., or heard it, either the first or second time, I had a small bird come to mind. This wasn't an image at all, it was more like a wandering thought and I didn't know why I thought it but I thought about some very small bird broach or something and "his eye is on the sparrow and I know he watches over me" (the song). I wasn't sure what I was getting or why.

It was weird. Confusing why I would have the idea of some small bird, a broach (later), and then something about this song, which I maybe thought I had come to mind as an attempt to understand or explain to myself a connection to this idea of some bird and possibly, a broach. But I saw a literal bird, not just in jewelry form, and then later, broach.

Then, 20 minutes later, without having a prior plan to sit by the fountain at all, but realizing the library was not yet open and there was time to kill outside, I sat by the fountain and first this robin flew over and perched upon the rim of a large vase or vessel that holds water, and then a small little bird that looked like either a sparrow or a finch. Somehow, it sounds very stupid because of course there are birds outside. Of course. There were 3 that perched today while I sat. A robin, then a sparrow of some kind and I thought of the premonition thing or it shocked me when I saw this one and then another that was more like a brown finch of some kind.

But it was only strange in the sense that it was almost like a premonition (I don't get these very often, if ever). It was like the same kind of bird I saw right before I went outside and randomly ended up sitting outside.

And on any given day, at least in the last several weeks, I have not been that close to birds like this. So it was sort of an exclamation point of some kind because the birds that came up were within a couple of feet from me.

Then, other interesting synchronicity, is that this early morning I could not get out of bed. I tried but kept wanting to sleep in more. When I finally sat up, this woman came by in a kelly green shirt. I laid back down. Then this second woman came in with a kelly green shirt that was the exact same color. Duplicates and then instead of getting one scripture verse from the Y basket today, when I pulled one out, I discovered they were Jacob&Esau linked. Same color and it looked like one verse and then they fell apart in my hand to make two short passages instead of one normal length one. The first one said, "I thank God for my remembrance of you." (philipians) and will have to find exact verse. The second one said something about how he will give you "rest" (matthew). I will later write out the exact verses. Felt like the start to a twin day. I could probably use a 2-4-1 vodka.

On that subject, I have not had one drink at all since I've been in Nashville. Not even one drink, except for taking communion (some kind of wine in the cup).

In Wenatchee, I had a drink now and then because I was being tortured every single day, and there was nothing else to do. I was forced out of everything. It was my own personal Potato Famine.

I still like to have a drink, but I have my times of having the occasional social drink and then I go through long periods of abstinence and I think the reason I feel hesitant to drink at all right now is this idea that I am fasting for my son in some small ways. I was talking to my brother and I'm going on 3 years of celibacy too. I was telling him relationships are like a habit or addition and if they come to an end you go through withdrawals. I was saying it takes time to get things out of your system, like any addiction, and your body has been releasing horomones to reinforce bonds while you're in relationship, so it takes time." I said, "The first 3 months is the hardest" and then I said, joking, "YOU'RE depressed?! I should be depressed. I've been celibate for 3 years. I can't believe it." It's not like I want to be, but having a fling isn't a good idea when I can't trust motives of others at this precarious time and then haven't had time for developing a real relationship either with all the upheaval and fight for my son and restoring my good name.

Wait. Is that right? maybe it's been 2 years? or 3? whenever it was that I broke up with my fiance. That's how long. Met one person after my fiance and it wasn't the best timing or idea and after this, I have had all guards up.

I don't know who is trying to get close to me for their own discovery, to use me, or what, so I haven't allowed anyone to be close to me in that way. I have a good reason to be on-guard. After the "habit" is worked out of the system, it's not that difficult to be a virtual virgin again. I almost started to wonder if I had chemistry with anyone at all. It's like being a dormant volcano. There was one person who I felt chemistry with right away in Nashville, but I had no clue where he was coming from and kept my guard up all the way. He was from Virginia. Some Russian-American-Mexican guy. I never dropped a single clue. Why? Because he was Russian-American-Mexican. hahaaa. Whose side is he going to be on anyway?

I have my reasons, very good ones, for keeping my distance, and I like it this way for right now--well, I don't, because it feels like a waste, but it is the safest option when I don't know who is trying to get to me, use me, get to another person, or what.
I've been listening to 80s music and then I had clicked on Depeche Mode earlier, wanting a little bit of new wave I guess. I will listen to some worship maybe later.

I had this feeling, a couple of days ago, that almost anything I wanted (except, so far, my son) was possible but then I was too unsure to ask. I got nervous about it. I thought, I really don't know what the best thing to ask for would be with regard to this so I'm not going to make the request. And I didn't and haven't. I have made no demands of God, or even requests, with regard to relationships. I am too afraid of getting what I ask for and what if it's not the best thing or right thing.

My priority is my son

Then after writing about relationships I go back to CNN and see news about Japan and feel guilty for even writing on the topic at all. The "Nuclear fears deepen survivors misery."

This is really random but I tried to apply my mind to nuclear stuff for a moment and cooling and thought about how some countries know how to seed clouds to get rid of snow...wondered what else they could do and then thought how it must be a more direct application that is needed. Then nitrogen oxide came to my mind.

First I was thinking about that liquid stuff that freezes things upon contact and then I looked up nitrogen oxide and it's a component of some nuclear processes and also is present to some degree in acid rain, which then brought the idea to my mind about radioactive stuff getting in the clouds and then raining back down, bringing more than one kind of exposure. But since I first thought about nitrogen oxide, I wonder if there is something in this idea to cool things or something to add that would neutralize something. Not like they haven't thought of it already of course.

I am so ignorant about how things are used, but still I get ideas here and there that turn out to be decent for some reason, or lead to other ideas. I guess nitrogen oxide is mainly what nuclear plants avoid, bc it's harmful to the environment so the nuclear energy takes the place of other energies that would contribute to more nitrogen oxide (which ruins ozone) but maybe in special circumstances like this, something to do with nitrogen oxide could be useful. But I don't know what. Still kind of reading and wondering.

There is something, too, about "Nuclear Winter" on wiki that I avoided reading first but am now reading, about climate changes which can occur if there is a large nuclear detonation (maybe it's different from spill). I read first from The New World Encyclopedia about nitrogen oxide and then wiki about nitrous oxide as well. Thinking about cyrogens too. Liquid nitrogen is a cyrogen.

I looked it up and they use cyrogens in water tanks for nuclear stuff. So my question is, if they're just dumping regular sea water over a site, without any kind of cyrogen, can they add a cyrogen? Just wondering, since they already use this inside the tanks and I'm sure they consider everything but if you're putting a plant out, and want to cool it down immediately and not just salvage it, but put out the fire, so to speak, can't someone pour out cyrogens? or would this be dangerous to the environment and air or toxic? or ruin the plant entirely and someone wants to try to preserve as much as possible? Anyway, I'm not the expert. I wonder about nitrous oxide though too, if you can add it to combat worse forms of it that are dangerous.

I just got an email from my mother, sent by her friend, of some photos but larger, and they're gorgeous. Amazing. They're horrific but they are gorgeous in the sense of still capturing an odd beauty but showing the devastation.

I saw the first one, of the woman sitting around the rubble and my first thought, was how shocking and bad it is. Then my second thought was "that looks like me forced to live in Wenatchee". It's a hispanic friend who sent it and the captions are in Spanish and the photos are incredible. I wish I could figure out how to upload a link from an email. Not sure but I might try.

Need to eat and then come back to this and some other work as well, that I have to get done today.
I got back and tried to sign into a computer that was by the window but it wouldn't allow me to sign in, even though I was on time and had the right ID. So I ended up at a different one but I had wanted to be by the window since it's so nice out today.

I was looking at these photos and I don't know how to put them online. There is a bird featured in one of them but it's not a small bird as I thought my impression was of.

I don't think I will be able to make it to a meeting for the prison ministry this week but I am likely to set up another time, within a week, to find out what their grant money needs are. Right now I have a curfew and since I'm not technically working for them, on this one project, yet, I would have to show that this is what I'm doing. But if I get more information, and get started, it shouldn't be a problem. And then too, I am thinking if I can show that my intent is to work on a grant or project, I might be able to get authorization. I was trying to get shifts changed to attend, which wasn't a problem, but then I realized I still have to have other authorization to extend my curfew. It's not a curfew that has anything to do with a program of any kind, of course, it's just a rule at the women's place I am at, and it's for everyone, whether they are in a program for something or not. The only exception is for work and I don't know that they would consider going to a meeting work unless it is established someone can say I'm writing a grant, and therefore, "working" and getting information for this work.

If I can't go tonight, I will go next week.


Anonymous said...

I must admit that I am your biggest fan. I would really appreciate it if you would take the time to email me.


Mama said...

Dear Brian,

How big is big?