Sorry?

Are the torturers sorry for torturing?

I don't believe they are.

Are they sorry for trying to kill me?

No.

Are those who tortured my son sorry for torturing my son?

No.

Is anyone sorry for brutally raping me, drugging me, injecting me with medications I didn't need that they knew ruined the brain, standing in the way of any success? Are they sorry for masterminding a plot to destroy my life?

And now, when they try to point to me and say I am bitter or caustic, or that I seem upset or unpleasant, at any time, ever, have they felt regret? or is it a kind of satisfaction and delirium and desire to point to me in order to distract from their own vulgar and criminal behavior?

I saw a book on a woman's chair at my mother's workplace today. It was something about "mood management". I said out loud, "I wonder if there is a book out there for the mood management of victims of torture."

Those who downplay what my son and I have been through are guilty. Just as those who try to play up the effects of the torture, and end result, are guilty.

And if anyone thinks I should be sorry for anything I've said, when I've only managed to tell the truth, they should be sorry for their own souls.

Human beings have the ability to rise above and transcend the common effects of torture or false imprisonment or degradation, because they are a step above animals. But it is not possible to rise above torture when one is being tortured by the most hateful and cruel and self-loathing, egotistical groups who wave jovially as they drive by as if nothing is happening when they are directly responsible for what is happening and has happened.

How dare anyone suggest I feel empathy for what my telling of the "truth" might do to someone else's reputation.

As if they ever cared about the truth, or the reputation of innocents. And yet they imagine I should take the "feelings" of criminals into account, of those who are supported by criminals, and I should be the one to feel sorry?

I'm sorry that when I was telling the truth about being a victim of incredible harm in this country, and witnessing the rebellion of others against the justice system or truth, and even their own religions' principles, I have "offended" or "injured" the feelings of others?

How dare any you, ever dare to point a corrosive finger that pulled the trigger on multiple occasions, at those you would, who speak up.

It's not pretty. It's not "lovely". It doesn't sound "nice" and no, this truth is far from "beautiful".

But that's not my fault. I didn't create a monstrous story, I am only retelling the facts of the limbs and parts of the body that assembled to create a monstrous story. It's not "beautiful" or tasteful, because it is a story of moral depravity.

If you didn't want to hear the sound of nails on a chalkboard, you should have restrained yourselves and your own children when you were dragging people across your own dirty slate to try to clean it up. You have been the acid and corrosives, the murderers and torturers, and then you actually expect the innocent to pay you a favor and spare you "the details".

You like survival stories as long as you emerge as the survivor. But you cannot stand to hear the testimonies of those who were tortured by you, your friends, or right under your nose. Instead, you dress up, play a part, and hope that today it will not be a part in a horror show. Or, you dance around and hope that bleeding and burning victims of torture don't ask you to walk through the stage without your clothes on. You can stand to commit evil and cruel acts against humanity but you are so small, to put yourselves in any kind of embarassing "scene", is just too much. If you loved to dance in the nude, or display yourselves as window prostitutes and pimps, you might not mind. But you're too busy covering up your seedy operations with suits and conservative dress and uniforms. Besides, no one kills another human being in the nude, do they? Or maybe that's just the uniform for acts of rape, and then you quickly pull up your pants, fasten your belt buckles, and then pull the trigger, while adjusting the cuff links.

You who have participated in a massive account of crime, massive, you love to try to twist events to your favor, by trying to get the innocent to feel sorry for YOU. I am not sorry for telling the truth. It is the truth, and if you can't stomach it, or don't like it, or it scares you, or disgusts you...why should any victim of torture bear YOUR shame? what you love to do, is exploit what you've already known, that the victim is innocent. And since you know innocent victims tend to have huge reserves of empathy and compassion for others, you hope to feed off of that, and hope the victim feels sorry for making anyone else "feel bad". Which is really incredible. It's what allows abusers to keep battering women. This sinister idea of trying to take the painful accusations of a victim, accusations that many find quite dangerous, and make that victim reconsider telling the truth.

It's not about "revenge". I don't want revenge and I've never thought getting "revenge" would be satisfying.

I want justice.

I want the torture to stop and I want those who have participated in torturing me and my son, to be held accountable. I want my son back. I want the truth to be told, however "bad" it may be, in order to protect my son and myself from further and future harm.

If I'm not progressive enough to "smile" and pretend nothing is happening when literally my son and I have been shot up with almost lethal technology and poisoned, and mocked, there is something very seriously wrong with the idea of progress.

I smiled and smiled, and smiled, even in the middle of the worst imaginable things, and I even kept my mouth shut. I tried negotiating. I tried forgiving. I tried apologizing. But do you know what kind of effect this has on criminals? None. They see any sign of what they imagine to look like retreat or weakness, and they take more. Someone who is torturing others or allowing it, by the time they get to the part where they are even willing to do such a thing, they are lost. There is nothing there, in a "reserve", to reach out to, to appeal to. And the worst part, is that the ones who torture the most, are sometimes the smartest, and they are the ones attempting to prey upon the natural reserve of compassion that a normal human being has. Those who torture, are not normal.

They cannot be reasoned with, as one reasons with normal people. And I guess sadly, plenty of normal people go down the slippery slope to abnormal with very little coaching. What's that experiment, about how many "normal" people are willing to electrocute others? Once someone has hardened enough to repeatedly torture other human beings, they are not just newly inducted into the annals of "abnormal psychology." That's where they stay.

So when people expect a victim of torture to "change", or, really, what they're asking, is for the victim to change their story...to suit others...they are still asking that victim to bend and conform to the design that those who are so cold and hard as to be immoveable, have attempted to use for a mold. They are so inflexible and hard, they know they cannot change themselves anymore--they are past the point of no return, and they know that the only way they might be forced to return, is through the law. As long as they know their friends are just as cold and hard and immoveable in the system, they know they are safe. And the ONLY people they start demanding "change" from, are those whose testimonies they don't like.

If a man murders a family, and one family member finds out that same man has a family of his own, is the victim supposed to "change" and not say something "unpleasant" to "spare" the feelings of what...his daughter? If this man goes to jail and loses his ability to support his own family and his daughter feels "bad" about the allegations made by another man's daughter...is it right to tell the victim to shut up? or should the victim and everyone else, feel "too sorry" to tell the sordid truth about what all of the family's alliances have done to others?

I should feel "sorry" for Kate Middleton's "feelings" when her family and supporters have practically murdered my entire family and our reputations and livlihoods? Or anyone else...whose feelings should I be trying to save?

I have a truth to tell, and I am going to tell it. If it hurts someone's feelings, in the periphery, that is unfortunate. But it is not up to the victims to change their story to shield others from an inconvenient or unpleasant truth.