Saturday, August 20, 2011

Starfish and Starlily Sin

I don't know why I feel so guilty about picking a flower.

My mom asked me not to pick any of the garden flowers. So for several weeks, I didn't pick any, even though I had been making bouquets before. I only picked one purple petunia.

We were sitting on the porch and I smelled a blend of cantalope (melon) and a flower fragrance and I said I thought it was petunia. So I was thinking about petunia and melon as a perfume.

So they left this morning and I went to the window because the dog was there looking out at me and I felt sorry for it so I walked over and then as I did I saw these new white lilys I haven't seen before. Really large white lilies with a pink speckle like orchids have in the middle. And I didn't pick any because there were only 2 and then one unopened bloom. So I walked over to the huge pot of stargazer lilies and since there were so many of them, I picked one that was crowded. And I smelled it all the way back to my place.

No sooner had I sat down than my parents come rolling up the driveway and they get out of the car and my mom walks right over to the white lilies and stares at them.

Like the Lily Police.

I wasn't going to pick any flowers at all, just on principle, but I was sure she wouldn't mind just one, and then I am telling you, it was like I had committed a huge crime.

My mom compared it to Eve with the apple.

They weren't around the corner watching, they just pulled up right about the same time. I walked back to my place, smelling it and thinking how a perfume could be made with cantalope scent and petunia or with lily or a combination. And I thought as I was looking at it, it looks so much like a starfish. And I started thinking of starfish and this stargazer lily. Not today, but when I had lilies in my house last, I noticed for the first time that the pistol is shaped like a 3 leaf clover.

So since she walked over and looked at them, right out of the car, I said, "I picked a lily." She said, "I know. There were FOUR here." I said, "No, I didn't pick one of those because there weren't that many. There's still 3. I picked a stargazer because there were a lot and I didn't think you would mind."

Anyway, I ended up feeling guilty and then they gave me a new blender for my drinks and juices.

I said thanks and it's in better condition but I'm still going to try the other one because I don't want to waste one if it works.

I felt more guilty about what the future means than really picking the lily. I mean, I thought, oh crap. How did they know? that I might? and my mom is wearing this shirt with the colors of the flowers I have in my place now. So I thought I should have triumphed and then thought, I hope my future isn't doomed. I almost looked at my mom after this long silence and I wanted to ask, "So, does my future look?" But thinking I might sound ridiculous, I said nothing and just stood there. I had said, "I didn't pick any flowers for 2 whole weeks and I wasn't going to, on principle, but I didn't think you'd mind."

And that was when my mom said, "That's what Eve said about the apple." So that's when I stood there, and then I turned to leave because I didn't know how to ask if she could see into a crystal ball. So I felt bad, and I turned to leave and my mom spoke up and said, "How do you like the new blender?" and I said, "It looks good." She said "Have you tried the other one?" and I said, "No, but I'm going to."

(I think it goes with my personality type...that's my excuse. It was God's fault that Eve was an INTP/ENTP. I mean, a boring dependable ISFJ would never have been tempted at all. I'm sure some kids peel the tape off of their presents in the closet to have a peek before Christmas, and some kids never do. I did. I don't think my brother ever even had such an idea. But I peeked and then taped it up again. Fake surprise at Christmas. That doesn't mean I have a bad heart. And Eve was still Numero Uno. They can't take that away from me! she said.)

This morning I had raisin bran and organic milk, and then a slice of my lasanga. I made lasanga last night, and asked my Dad if he wanted a piece and he said, "No thanks." I laughed and said, "You wouldn't like a piece of my wilted lettuce lasanga?"

I made a vegetarian lasanga with wilted lettuce and spinach and then the usual stuff. I was given a large bag of lettuce and I couldn't use it in time so I put it in the freezer to use in a recipe later. And it works. I just sauteed it with the spinach with garlic, onion, and chopped fresh parsley and then layered it instead of the meat. It's good. I made scalloped potatoes the day before, to make use of potatoes. I am trying to let nothing go to waste. Nothing in my fridge. So I am freezing some of the prepared meals to last through the month. I thought about making jam with the pectin. I think you could make jelly beans. Like organic juice jelly beans.

I had a small slice of that this morning and

grains of bee pollen
ginko biloba leaves
licorice and
yerba mate tea.

I had a lot of citris pectin yesterday.
Maybe it's a bad thing that I took the lily because my mother is wearing this same flower-colored shirt and walking with my Dad who is wearing an Army camo shirt and I don't want to be in the military anymore. I mean, if I can figure out a way to retire myself and my son from torture, I will.

Which is why I'm getting ready to write all the descriptive details about this blond woman who was sent off to Knoxville detention with me, whom they allowed to use me right there in an American facility. Which goes to prove my point that the U.S. owes me and my son compensation.

I just ended up listening to some sermon where the pastor changed the order of the scripture from "truth, life, and way" to "life, truth, and way." No thanks. Truth please. He talked about people who were impatient for Moses to come down from the mountain so they made an idol out of Gold, with Aaron. Which is weird bc on the last station I was listening to, they were announcing Kim Kardashian's wedding and how they're using gold dust instead of rice. Anyway, so I came in at the part where he was talking about how the people wanted to worship idols and rebelled and all went together to melt down gold for making another idol. What I didn't like, was the pastor's switcheroo on the verse.

SO anyway, this morning I thought about this girl my Dad was talking about, who was hit by a truck when she was 16 years old and how everyone sobbed and it was the saddest funeral he'd ever been to. That's what I woke up thinking about. Then I prayed quickly and I did ask to do whatever I had to do that day and that I'd have the right things to say and do and I prayed for my son to be returned to me. I thought about it. What if he was given back to me tomorrow? what would I do? I thought about how we went to the river together and the duck song I sang to him. About taking him down the path in the middle of the blossoming apple orchard, in his little red wagon, The Flyer.

It is time for me to make good on my promises. To reveal identities of U.S. sponsored psychics. And when I rose from the kitchen floor, after lying prostrate for a moment to pray, I thought, the blond today. Write about the blond woman with the lethally long legs.

I stopped and was staring out into the distance for a moment, and noticed this dragonfly in front of me was swimming through the currents of air, sort of dancing and moving back and forth, to the gospel song "Out of the woods he would come." It danced with the exact timing and rhythm of the song. And it went back and forth, just like the music. It was really beautiful. It was suspending itself right in front of me, and at my eye level, it swooped forward, and then backward, and then forward, and then backwards, in perfect time with the music. It is the first time I've ever noticed an insect moving in what seems to be perfect timing to music. It was really cool. It stayed there and made this perfect dance, like a conductor, to the song and then it flew away when the song ended. I've never seen anything like that before. It was perfect.

The other day I was lying in the sun in the middle of tall grasses that look like wheat but I don't know what they are. And I was lying on this blanket and I looked up and there was a young buck about just a few feet away from me. He had these fuzzy velvety horns and at first started away but I didn't move and then he came towards me. He was just a few feet away. Not more than a couple of steps if I were walking. He inched forward curiosly and sniffed to catch my scent in the breeze. Oh, and he just pracned by just now, but now there are 2 of them chasing eachother, no three of them! It's 12:15 p.m and 3 young bucks just skipped past my doorway! Right after I wrote about the one moving towards me to catch my scent. There are 3?! I looked and they were about...I just walked out and measured, about 15-17 natural walking steps from my porch. When I saw the one, it was only one or two steps away. And it moved towards me but then I got nervous a mother might be around and thought about my great-grandmother who was gored by a bull and I think it smelled my fear and he skipped away but kept looking back at me. Then I told my parents and I found out bucks are independent and you don't have to worry about the mother. So maybe if I hadn't been afraid, it would have come even closer to me. But yeah, the one's that ran by, I looked on their heads and all three of them had horns coming up. Or antlers or whatever they are. These 3 that just skipped by went in a row. One, and then another, and then the other. And then they chased eachother after being in even spacing when they ran by.

After that, I went to a vet place to see if I could do volunteer work with animals but I think I have to go to this other place and right now I don't have a way to get there so I don't know when I might be able to do it.

Anyway, so I got up and I was walking over this morning, and as I did I thought about this large boiler that had fallen down the hill along with the trees when they fell, and how I hadn't blogged about this because I thought someone might make it into a bad luck thing, thinking about the movie the boil room or whatever and then seeing this boiler tumble. So I hadn't written anything and the next thing was the stocks and market plunged. I was thinking about this this morning and went in and saw the news and it was right on dow and stocks and uk and us banks and things. (it was weird to see the news bc I'd just been thinking about that).
I have some other things to write about but I just tried to diagnose my mom.

She's been to 3 doctors and none of them can figure out what something (small) is.

I looked at it and felt it and had "vitamin C, plantain (plantago), placenta, and hydrochloric betain" (I think that's it, or a close derivative) come to mind. She asked why, when I said hydrochloric betain, and I said I didn't know, it just came to mind (I was thinking of something to dissolve some property going on). And then I said it looked like something causes by a pair of shoes. She said the closest thing they could come up with was maybe wart, but they didn't know what it was.

So I wondered why I thought of plantain. One thing I read, is that it's good for itching and she did tell me it itches first and then slightly hardens to a rough spot.

So I looked up plantago, form of plantain and it says it's used for skin itching, burning and papulae, which all are factors here.

And no, I haven't read anything from any of the books I have, about plantain. It just came to my mind.

Oh how strange. I just now found another article that says the other name for plantain is "Rib Wort".

The other thing I said to my mom was that it looked like spider bites. That's not what it is, we don't think, but I said this, and I just read about rib wort/plantain. It is used for insect bites, and is sometimes called "Soldier's herb" because it can be used as a field dressing for wounds. It's called "white man's footprint" (which might fit symbolicaly if my parents are also victims of white torture, and I think they are), or "englishman's print" bc the native am.'s said the plant sprang up wherever the white people went. It has many medicinal uses, bee sting, itching for poison oak,...some of the more traditional uses.

I might put an indentation for arrowroot bc it briefly came to mind but I don't think it's for this, but I did see plantain is also called snakeroot.

First I looked up plantago major and now I'm looking up plantago where it says it's used for any kind of itching or external bite, sore, or boils.

It's used in Romania and parts of central europe for sores coming from tight shoes or other foot problems. It's the leaves, not the banana plantain. When I thought of it, I thought of it as leaves, not banana fruit.

I looked up the other things. Hydrochloric betain is used both externally and internally for warts and other things, and Vitamin C is good for everything, arrowroot is good as a foot powder but is not antifungal, though it has some other uses for itching and bites and things, and then placenta--lack of info on placenta but it's good for general health and fights infection and may have a hormonal component that could be beneficial.

My mom said thanks for trying but I don't think I did too badly...?

I just looked up more on placenta. It inhibits fungus and bacteria: Ref Note [Datta, P. & Bhattacharyya, D.; J. Chromatogr. B., 818 , 67-73 (2005).]

Anyway. Not too bad if I do say so myself.

I told my Dad though, that although I look stuff up, I wouldn't want to be a naturopath. If I were that interested, I'd go for regular medicine or pharmacology and then add it as an adjunctive. Some of it is really good, and some of it is hocus pocus, in my opinion.
I found out what a stag party refers to. I told my parents about the 3 stags that went by and asked if they'd seen them. They hadn't and I said, "I don't know why they would all be together like that" and my Dad said that's what young bucks do, they all hang out together and then he said, "Haven't you heard of a stag party?" and I said, "Yeah, but I didn't know that's what it refers to." I said, "So what do they do when they're older?" and he said they find a female and the winner leaves and the others hang out alone. I said, "So if they have stag parties before a wedding, why don't they first have a dual?" My Dad didn't even laugh. I said, "They should have their stag party and then go to a cagefight against eachother and the winner gets the bride (next day: Vegas)" . No one laughed but I was sort of laughing. Later my Dad said something about someone being "long in the tooth" and I said, "Why do they say long in the tooth? because their gums are receding?" and he laughed and said yes and I said, "That's terrible." He laughed more.

Uggh. This woman came onto the radio and said, announcer style, "So what are YOU doing this date night?"

Thanks, but not dating, by choice and AMEN to that. I'd rather watch dragonflies dancing to music and young bucks skipping around on pasture. I feel no dissatisfaction, whatsoever, at not "dating". I have no desire, at all, to meet someone or date or do anything "romantic" or game-y.

My "game" is right here in nature. There is enough wild game right here to keep an eye on. I don't need to be part of drunken orgies with people rolling around naked on white carpets. Wall to wall solid white carpet. Nice, but no thanks.

So anyway, when I give my testimony about what has happened to me, it is not because I envy others. It's because I've been tortured, and am still a victim of torture, along with my son, and I think it's disgusting and I"ve almost died several times from assassination attempts as well.

I want my son back. I will get back to the blond in a moment.

The funniest thing that happened today was when I came into the house, still stirring my cup of tea. I had just seen the dragonfly conducting to this song on the radio, and the 3 bucks running past me and I went inside to see if anyone else had seen what I had seen. So they're sitting in chairs watching t.v. and on the computer and I was standing in the doorway and I had this white mug in my hands and this silver tea strainer where it's like a teaspoon strainer and I had put yerba mate in it and was still stirring it around.

So I was standnig there in rolled up leg dark jeans and a blouse and my hair up. I said, "Did you see those bucks?" and they said no they hadn't and then I was told what a stag party was and I said, still stirring, "Oh! and I saw a dragonfly that was dancing to the song on the radio."

My Dad said, "What do you have in that tea?"

I said, laughing, "No! I'm serious. It was really dancing in time to the music."

Last night I had gone into the kitchen to grab some basil leaf and pepper bc I forgot to buy them at the store for my lasanga. So I took out a plate and started cracking black pepper and I poured a mound of basil leaf onto the plate. I was asked what I was getting and I showed it and then was told the pile was going to blow away in the wind. I said it wouldn't, so I left the house with one hand covering this pile of green chopped up leaves, and I started grinning, as I was walking this plate with the green pile over to my place. Then I was in my kitchen listening to AM talk radio and making lasanga and I went around the corner and looked at my sign that said "BYE BYE miss HOOTERS (Oliver waves)" and I started laughing while the radio guy was talking to someone who called in by the name of Christa. I started thinking about Oliver and how he would one day be older and know what hooters was and I looked at the sign again, "Oliver waves" and cracked up laughing suddenly thinking of a different scenario. And I thought of Camilla Parker and I don't know why and then a caller came on named "Diane" and I was cooking in the kitchen, cracking up over and over, looking at this sign and then I looked at the pile of basil on the plate and thought about Princess Diana smoking a joint while cooking. All of it hit me all at once, this goofiness of laughing over my sign and then how walking across the lawn with my hand covering this pile of basil made me think of someone walking across the lawn with a pile of weed, smirking about it.

It is really not funny to tell it, but in the moment, it was really, really funny.

I had not taken anything and I still have not had a drink. My entire little bottle of vodka went straight to the milk thistle and it's sitting there for a month until it's a real tincture, to be used only for medicinal reasons.

I had chewed on some ginko, had some anise seeds, and yerba mate and that was it. Then, after I was done laughing, I poked a hole into the pile of basil, licked my one finger, and then added the pile to the sauteed garlic and onions which were browning in olive oil.

I think what also hit me was thinking about how I had drawn my son's nose in my sketch and it looked like a pig nose and I had just gone to the vet's that day to volunteer and there was this big ceramic face of a pig on the wall, right behind the doctor. And I don't know...the whole combination had me laughing and laughing, and I would stir and chop something up and then come around the corner and look at the sketch and crack up laughing again.

I sort of did feel high and for absolutely no reason, well not high, but laughing as much as I might if I were and I couldn't stop. I think it was a combination of what was on the radio and then thinking about certain things and the timing of when I looked around at the sign I have up. I should upload it. It's not even a good drawing. I did it really fast so of in a bad mood "SO THERE! YEAH! OLIVER WAVES!" and then later I looked at it and thought, that is funny.

I just uploaded it but it's in the wrong spot.

But I angrily penned it and then a day later or so I was walking to the vet's and right in front of me, looking over the doctor's shoulder, a pig. And I thought, "It looks like the picture I drew of Oliver. How in the world did I end up giving him a pig nose?"

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