What I Would Change About Myself

I'm exhausted, having felt humiliated by calling first and then being directed to go to Georgetown's legal clinic, and then having security guards coming in and they wouldn't even tell me what the reports were. They just wanted to see my ID. But one of the women at the Women's Clinic asked the guards to go up--THREE of them, and the other woman there who was with me the whole time just stared in astonishment as well. Then I was told all these people were telling the guards to check on me and I was doing nothing but visiting the clinic.

So actually, I wrote about that already, but I actually had tears in my eyes. I put my sunglasses on, as I was escorted out for "not having an appointment" after I'd been instructed to go in freely, to the OPEC office and then was directed to the Women's Rights office. After that, I was just using a computer at one of the free stations and they were all available. I felt very sad that I do have people always trying to cause problems for me, when I've done nothing wrong, and that it was the Jesuit school where I had the problems again. It just makes me wonder, in general. I've stayed with and met some really wonderful Catholic people, Colombian, and no problems at all, and yet there is just a group of people who are incapable of being normal. For whatever reason.

Then I got totally lost trying to drive back home. I was on Prince William's highway, and thinking I'd never heard of this freeway before. So then I find out I'm in Prince William county and I got pulled over by police along with 2 other cars, for being in the HOV lane. I didn't even know what that was. It's for carpool only but in the NW it says "carpool" or something. I didn't get a ticket and he just warned all of us and was really nice, and he told me I was WAY out of the way of Germantown, where I was going. He said I was heading to Florida. I looked at my tank of gas on 1/4 tank and was thinking I hope I have enough to get back. I had to turn around at the Quantico exits. I was in Quantico, VA.

I finally got home and I'm wiped out. I got no legal advice, but did speak with this one nice man who listened and as I was talking it out, I realized I probably need to file for an extension for medical reasons, which I've plenty of documentation
for. I could pretty much file a huge motion for how it was improper to make me be pro se when I had extensive medical PHYSICAL problems, which Wenatchee didn't listen to. I'm trying to find a way to stay in the area to get on my feet enough to go back to Wenatchee with things lined up. I can't go back right now, as is, with absolutely nothing and my once-fiance leaving the country and the financial situation is now different.

I'm back on Percocet and this time, Valium again. I took one Percocet today and no Valium. The Valium is for muscle relaxant and I think it is far superior to Flexeril. Flexeril is just a killer. It slows me down so badly I can't function and my mouth is dry for 3 days. I feel awful on it. I still have plenty of Flexeril left. Valium helps with muscle stuff but it seems milder. I don't use it during the day, but only as needed at night. Will probably help me sleep better if I need it. The Percocet definitely helps. When I went into ER last night I was in so much pain and they gave me a Valium and a shot of morphine or something for pain and told me I HAD to see a back specialist who could maybe give me cortisone shots and then I could work. They think I should be able to work IF I get the cortisone and proper pain treatment. So I'm really looking forward to that, because last night I was making plans to look for work, and then I was crying because my back totally went out and I thought--"I'm a frickin' invalid". I cannot help it if physical stuff holds me back but it's frustrating. I'll probably have to file for some kind of insurance though, because it has to be done...I cannot avoid going to an
ortho, said the docs and I agree.

I was also pissed this "Jonathan" asshole from ADA spouted off in a comment, making assumptions and degrading me and then pretending, in a condescending way, that "there's no harm" in "getting help" or "shame". Yeah, I'd get help if I needed it and frankly, what this post is titled to underscore, is the fact that while HE and some others I've complained about and written about, would like to think I need medication, or rather, want others to believe this...

I like myself the way I am and I'm not taking any kind of medication to "curb" my writing. That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. While they're at it, maybe they could give me an "anti-activist" and an "anti-feminist" pill too. These people are idiots. While Johnathan spends the average THREE hours a day watching T.V., I choose to write. Pick your fucking poison.

An ADA lawyer, of all things, harassing someone who writes in with a valid complaint, and tries to belittle my claims of discrimination for refusal to accomodate physical injuries, and he just goes off. And seriously, I do not watch much T.V. and prefer to WRITE, and one would think that instead of aimlessly tuning out and vegging in front of T.V. one should be commended for choosing to write out thoughts, ideas, poems, and other journalistic things.

The Johnathans of the world do not convince me the U.S. is a modern, self-correcting, country. What's the title of that one book...A Confederacy of Dunces. I don't know what the book's about, but I love the title.

What would I medicate myself for? or with? I would medicate for physical PAIN, period. I have no "emotional pain" for which I need medication, and my statements are truthful and honest. If I "ramble", it's evidence of thought. I am writing down my thoughts, and horrid to think though I must, that people like Johnathan are a blank slate with nothing going in and nothing coming out either. He must not ever think, daydream, contemplate, philosophize, and laugh to himself about situational humor. He must not be a creative person, period.

He's a fucking administrative whore.

So really, this is to say, if anyone is thinking they are going to "corral" me, or "reform" me, or "tame" me, or "tone" me down, think again. I like myself the way I am and I celebrate the fact I answer to no one and that I treat everyone, in any position, high or low, equally. If you're an idiot, I'm not going to sugarcoat it honey, just because you work for the government, or are rich, or have more money or power than me. And if you're poor and an idiot, or mean, I'm not going to sugarcoat superstition, or hysteria, or the tendency of non-wordly individuals to try to blacklist anyone who refuses to conform to their standards of brown-nosing boredom.

Take me as I am, or not at all. This chick is liberated and no fucking medication is going to keep me from speaking my mind, as I see fit.

And, if that means I am confined to having secret lovers because no one is capable of taking me on in my own form, so be it. I'll then whisper my ideas into theirs and persuade them to change the world from the inside. I don't need to be a public wife figure.

Don't wait for me to change, and don't count on it either. It's all only going to get worse, this freedom and liberation of thought. Those who don't want to be named, should keep themselves out of trouble, rather than attempting to neutralize their enemies with drugs.

As for actual things I WOULD like to change, this would only be to have the right medical care so I'm able to work without being in pain, and get surgeries I need if I need them, and to have my health. Also, I would like to finish my college degree, further my education both scholastically and in-the-world at large. My son is, of course, priority. Aside from these things, and being involved in music and art somehow, and remaining a writer, I am happy with my life. For a career, I would choose some kind of activism or humanitarian type of work. Whether that means having a law degree or not, I don't know. If I could make a living in art and music, I would choose this instead.

I like work where I am helping others, and part of this, for me, is reporting misconduct or incompetence when I come across it, either personally or from a distance. I am not going to change. I will always blow a whistle where I believe it should be blown, and I will choose to expose, by name, and in truth, those who are a disgrace to the public interest and whose objectives have become corrupt.

I want an underground railroad for those who come forward about horrid crimes or corruption, who cannot count on the U.S. form of "witness protection". I want an employment agency for latinos or those who come to the country and need work but don't speak the language. For opportunities for people in other countries. For accountability for government agencies which have become lazy, ingrained, and non-cooperative with the people. For a total and full reversal of the state of the justice system. For peace between countries, based on commonalities, art & music, the preservation of all of our unique cultures and heritages, and for the sake of our children.

World Peace, but not as Miss America. lol.