I regret something that I just said to someone. Not to insult them, but a feeling of wanting someone in the U.S. who is high up to feel pressured to return my son to me. At the expense of someone who is probably innocent too. So I regret this, it is hard not to be upset over the way my son and I are treated when someone should, I feel, just fix this.
Basically, my sentiment was a rash outburst about how, if people in the U.S. are allowed to treat me and my son so badly and hold us hostage when we are U.S. citizens, and then say we have to go through "a judicial process" before anything is corrected, when it's already been 2+ years of trauma to me and my son, I expressed a feeling of WHY then would the U.S. expect Iran to be any different with their hostages?
I have been a hostage in my own country.
My son has been hostage from his own mother.
But it is wrong for me to express anything like this, even if it's just one of those rash and upset outbursts, because regardless of what is done to me, and how unjust things have been, I should never wish for the same for another person.
And, I don't. I really don't. I just sometimes wonder what in the world is going on. I mean, does it really come down to having to put pressure on others so that they get what THEY want, instead of people just trying to do the right thing, no matter?
People turn into pawns and I know my son and I have been pawns.
I don't want bad to happen to others, but I wonder at WHY in the world there is some big group, political maybe, lobbying so hard for one hostage but my son and I have been tortured like this.
My lawyers on both of my cases, with my appeal for my son and this misdemeanor thing, seem to be stalling. I rarely hear from the misdemeanor one, when this is extremely important, and then the other one doesn't seem to be willing to obtain the records I need to prove New Discovery and have my visits restored with my son and just overturn this. She could be applying for these records right now and she's telling me she has to wait over a month and it will be a "slow process".
Why does she need to wait to start requesting records when her job is to appeal on new evidence from records?
There is no reason to delay, unless someone is actually HOPING that I will be blocked by getting the records I need if I'm screwed over on the other case (misdemeanor).
I know people higher up know a little about what is going on.
And then, just yesterday I was at the bookstore and someone just started up the burning thing on my laptop again and then quit. It was only for about 10 minutes but THEN someone was there to try something that affected my neck and I could feel it. It wasn't really strong like in Bainbridge, but it was the same kind of thing, just much much milder.
The mold thing happened and explains a LOT. But there were some other things that have happened too. I feel I'm being blocked from even reporting things and being able to send it to the right people.
I would like to see U.S. diplomats and others working hard for me and my SON, just as much as this woman in Iran and the others, who of course, I hope the best for, all things considered.
I feel like maybe I ate or drank something I shouldn't have last night or this morning because I am sluggish and took a nap and my level of energy had been improving drastically. It might be from something else. I don't know.
Anyway, I want to help others. But I really don't feel I can do this if I don't even have faith with what's happened with me and my son. Really incredible things though, on some levels. On some other levels, like the image I had and then today.
It wasn't that man, by the way (octavian). But it was a similar sort of impression as what I saw on the painting, but in real life, and focus or prayer over a smooth kind of object. It was not a bedroom scene either. It wasn't sexual in nature at all.
I sort of want to say who it was, but I can't. I might be able to hint at it in some way and they should know. I mean, how weird would it be if there was more than one person doing that? Or, what if they weren't at all and somehow I got it crossed with someone else?
It was a flash of one person and then next, I saw that person doing this, but because it was "first" this one person and then the second minute, it was this impression of what they were doing, I don't know if it would be consistent. It felt consistent. But then too, what does it mean? or do I have eyes of another person who was directly across from them? or what? or was it something to confuse me that wasn't from a good source? I didn't have that feeling, but how do iI know for sure? Was this person trying to send something to me? intentionally? or were they oblivious, or..? confusing.
I sort of want to say it was maybe more like wood, but I looked up sceptres bc I wanted to know what they looked like, just in case. All the "sceptres" I saw had more ornamentation and sharp things on it...I mean, points, naturally, from wings or crowns and other things. Whatever it was, I first thought gold but then wood. One or the other and smooth on the top, with some kind of knob that was different from the rest of it.
I don't feel like I can say who. I can't do it right now because I don't know how to say it right or discreetly but so other people wouldn't say it was them or wasn't them or whatever. I don't know how to yet and it might be one of my "half-right" impressions too. I will write something but I don't know how to yet.
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I did consider today, and yesterday, that with regard to the vibe that's been off and on, so deep heavy and sad, (last couple of weeks) I thought maybe some of it is upcoming 9-11 remembrance stuff too. I have been waking up thinking about my son always though. Some of it isn't just my son though...I don't think. I want to leave room for other possibilities.
I guess I should say who it looked like or I might have worse problems. I don't know if it is good to leave it open for someone else to claim, but then too, it would be good to clarify if my perception is just totally off or if it intersected with someone else.
It was William of Wales.
However, that said, I probably got it confused with something else somehow. And, I don't know whose perspective I might have had, in seeing this. Was it a photo? or something happening in real life? did I confuse it with someone else? It could have had something to do with someone else maybe or maybe it was just a photo someone flashed out but for some reason, it didn't seem to be a photo. That was why I sort of looked at sceptres but it didn't fit any of them. It seemed like something more humble maybe but the focus was of concentration,, prayer, or something private. I don't imagine it ever being done publicly. Maybe with a small group or one other person.
I've sometimes crossed my wires though and it didn't have anything to do with me either. It was like a personal thing for this person, whoever it was. Maybe it was something from the past even, or something present-time, or future. I felt present but I don't know.
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uh oh this is not good. I just started cracking up laughing at the whole revelation and idea of it and I swear someone must be laughing too or cracking jokes because I suddenly can't stop laughing and I had to turn the page I was on, online bc it was a sad page, and here I was laughing about this other thing. I didn't want anyone to walk past me and see that and think I was a sicko. I should find out what time it is...It was about 4:20-4:35 p.m. when I just cracked up laughing about it.
But really, it is so very likely it was someone else. And I reaaaally don't think it's a good idea to assume completely that it was about him because it seems my son only suffers more when I bring these things up.
And then that said, I sensed him crying (4:45 p.m. therreabouts) but maybe that was my imagination. But I had the mother's instincts as I was just talking to some people from Colombia. I didn't know there was anyone from Colombia here. Anyway. This guy said a priest was here from Colombia who left and a couple of lawyers (who I don't think I've met).
Anyway, I thought no one from Colombia was here. It doesn't matter, one way or the other. Whatever exists in this state doesn't change anything for me or my son, or at least hasn't. Unless I don't know about something or know who has tried to protect my son. I know I've been tortured along with my son here and almost killed too. Most of the people deliberately targeting, it seems, are white but I don't know. It's not just one race or group. I don't know. Anyway. I just don't know anything.
I do know some people have done a lot of good, against odds, and are probably unthanked. I try to say think you when I can.
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