Thursday, March 14, 2013

I Have Never Been Happy In the United States

I have never been happy in the United States.  Neither have my parents.  Since I've been back in Oregon my mother has said a few times, "You had a happy childhood" or sometimes said I've changed or that it's my attitude and some kind of canned response that U.S. government personnel have fed my parents themselves, to feed to me, for years.

So I have just nodded along and said yes, my childhood was happy.  But no, it was not. 

The United States has illegally abused me and tortured me since I was born.  I have never felt happy here and I have always wondered if I was adopted.  I wasn't depressed, I was just never happy.  The U.S. has never been interested in my happiness.  They have never been interested in my rights either, and maybe it wasn't exactly that I wondered if I was adopted by my parents so much as wondering where the U.S. citizenship papers were.  Where's the proof.

Ever since I was little, I was abused and tortured by the U.S. in their shitty program.  They backed off on the torture part from the time they thought I'd know or remember and then reintroduced it in 1992 briefly, and then 1995 as a way of saying, "Now we've really popped her cherry."  I was a virgin, but what I mean by that phrase, is from that point-on, the U.S. felt they had permission and rights to torture me, maybe because now I was an adult.  I was 21 years old.

As a kid, I sensed something was wrong.  I didn't know then that what I was picking up on was my parent's misery and abuse by the U.S.  I didn't run away in 2rd grade, for nothing.  It wasn't over a boy either.  I was not happy because this country gave me zero reasons to think I was actually a U.S. citizen.  I wasn't running away from home--I was running to home, because I was tired of picking up on the U.S. charades and games and profiles they made of me in school.  They were using me and exploiting me and by the 2rd grade, they were trying to push me down.

I used to cry at night all the time.  Sometimes from leg pain, from "growing pangs", but also because I sensed this sadness.  I was always told "It will be better in the morning."  So when is it morning?Because I have lived in Hell my entire life.  This country is Hell and this country is a piece of shit. 

It had nothing to do with depression, and no one ever thought I was depressed.  I lived next door to a psychologist and saw him almost every day while playing with his kids.  I had no idea then that he was a psychologist.  He was a school psychologist, and he also worked for the FBI.  He literally saw me almost every single day.

What I sensed, and picked up on, was that "something is wrong" and how should I have known it was my parents?  I didn't know they were hostages and forced to work for the U.S. and I didn't know there were twins.  So maybe I was crying for the ones who went "wherever they went" when they traded places.  Where did they go?  some underground U.S. prison?

I wasn't that unhappy in kindergarden, even if I had moments, and I wasn't that unhappy in 1st grade, but all through 2nd grade I was miserable.  It shows in my school photos too.  Unhappy.  By that time, teachers were finding ways to pick on me.  I raised my hand enthusiastically in class all the time and I was picked on so much, by being ignored and made to feel it wasn't ladylike, that instead of sitting in front and being the first to raise my hand because I knew the answer, I never raised my hand anymore.  Why should I when I was ignored?  I quit sitting in the front too.  Mrs. Raugust.  What a charmer.  There was nothing good about her class except for candy.  Which is, I'm guessing, how my son feels now with his own education (not that private school would be better because it wouldn't be--not in that area).  I was a know-it-all who loved to learn and I knew the answers because I picked it up quickly.  By 2nd grade I learned that "girls" and especially me, were not treated well if we learned our lessons and knew the answers.  It was in 2nd grade that I realized we were "supposed" to be meek, shy, batting-eyelashes students and only "boys" could be loud or bold.

This country ruined my life with their disgusting political games.

By the time I was in first grade, or 2nd grade, I recognized some horrible sadness that would come up, not from me, but sensing it from somewhere.  The only time it left, is if I was reading a book.  If this country is doing the same disgusting things now that they did then, then there was someone who was supposed to "read" me and do whatever I did, and felt happy reading.  I had fun playing with kids and running around on the playground, but I also remember my parents were not happy, by 1982 and I think it was earlier than that.

My mother used to say her favorite age of kids was "between 9 and 10", when they were "still sweet" but old enough to talk to.  I remember my belongings being stolen from me since about 2nd grade too.  I may have been younger with the sand pail but I don't think so.  That was about the time I was forced to give away my favorite toy that I used all the time, to someone else.  The one with the shovel.  I had to use my hands because my shovel was stolen from me.  Later I borrowed a trowel now and then.  But this country stole everything from me, from my completed homework to my homework before I was able to even turn it in.  By 2nd grade, my homework was stolen from me so I wasn't able to turn it in.  There was no way for it to be stolen inbetween school, the bus, and home.  I didn't go to a daycare. 
Raugust:William C Raugust, Jr, died May 10, 2009, in Moses Lake at age 83. He was born May 30, 1925, in Batum to William C Raugust, Sr, and Reca (Heizelmann) Raugust. He grew up in the Odessa area and graduated from Odessa High School. He then attended Washington State College (Now University), where he received his degree in speech. He was a World War II Air Force veteran. He was the manager of Chief Ready foods and potato manufacturing in Othello for several years. He also loved to build things like grain elevators and homes in the Odessa and Batum areas. He is survived by his wife of 45 years, Cheree Raugust, at the home. As per his request no services will be held. Strate Funeral Home of Davenport is caring for the family.” (Odessa Record: 5-21-2009.

I was being deliberately obstructed from reaching my potential, even in public school, from 1982 forward.  If it was earlier, and I'm sure it was, I don't remember as much.  In 3rd grade, with Mrs. Rosenow, my homework was always stolen or taken out of my papers before I got home, or missing later.  It was every single week.  For all of her speech about "creativity" that first day, the rest of the year was like a trip on acid.  She was writing up extensive profiles on me and she even showed one to me once.  She was going through some cabinet and I happened to see 'more' than I was supposed to, or she didn't care or didn't think I'd notice.  There was this huge file on me.  It wasn't normal school documents either.  It was government documents. It had files on me from kindergarden up to that grade.  I was told they were keeping information on me.  None of the other kids had files that large.  I had thought I was going to see a report card, or CAT tests (California Acheivement Test), or even a write up about work or attitude, but no, it was a huge file with government documents about me, describing every single thing I did.  It was like Anne Craine/Crane's CPS "visitation notes" of my son.  Pure, 100% non-consensual research by the U.S. government on children.  There were notes about things I said or did in class, and no, it wasn't the time Mr. Martinez showed me one test.  This was a whole different kind of file.  I think it was Rosenow's class when I saw it but it was possibly Raugust.  It was a female teacher, and I saw United States criminal interference and exploitation (now, that's how it looks) documented.  It was MKUltra.  Anything anyone might want to know, in military or CIA intelligence, was there.  It was like embassy cables but on a kid.  One of my teachers showed me everything and I don't think I've mentioned it like this before.  I have mentioned one thing but not the other.

I don't know why that teacher allowed me to see it.  I didn't ask, and no other kid had a file like that, that I could see, but I don't know.  I was being reported on, from everything from my favorite color to what clothes I liked to wear, to what I said that day, who I played with, and my personality and habits.  I actually think it is even possible I saw this file in 1st grade, with Mrs. Kaplan but I don't think so.  I think it was Raugust or Rosenow. 

It was not normal school information that a teacher makes about a student, and the reason I remember it, is because I knew this, even back then and it was such a shock it impressed my memory permanently.

 In 3rd grade I further felt pressured not to raise my hand and excel in class.  She ignored me, even more than Raugust.  It was with Rosenow that most of my homework started disappearing.  She even acted surprised, "Where is your homework Cameo?" and yet I think she knew where it was and what had happened to it.

I believe I was 9 years old when I was in a Community College play as well, and videotaped to humilitate me and for observation purposes.  It was Big Bend Community College, which was the college that served the U.S. military Army and Air Force.  They had a large pilot program and it was next to a major international airport.  I tried out for a play and got a role and they videotaped it.  Out of all the videotaping they did, with live and recorded feed, they saved 2 hours of me at the end of the play, making a fool out of myself, knowing I did not know it was being recorded, and they distributed it to every single person in the play and whoever wanted it in the community.

It was done to humiliate me and for purposes of making fun of me. That camera was set up for weeks, every single day, and I wasn't in front of it all the time, and they included 2 hours where I was goofing off with a friend or on my own, having never seen live playback before. In the background, others knew, because you can tell from the looks on their faces and the smirks and smug looks. When it was handed to us, the man said, "There's a little something extra I think you might like at the end of the play." It sounded like someone handing over a kiddie porn.  Then Wayne Freeman wrote on my play program, "If you don't become a STAR one day I will be surprised!"  As a kid I thought he was making a nice comment.  Now, as an adult, and knowing about these forms of humiliation, what did he mean to imply to my parents?  Porn Star?  at the end I'm flipping up my skirt and showing my pantaloons and mooning the camera repeatedly.  It was a dance thing we were taught there but it's over and over.  If you don't become a star one day.  2 hours of humiliating footage of me, taken without my knowledge or consent, when I was a kid.

So what else has this country done.  As a kid, when I saw what was on the back I didn't laugh or think it was funny.  I was mortified and humiliated.

Shirley Sandberg was the one who gave my mother a "mammy" with a skirt that sat on top of a toaster. It had a dress that matched the colors of my dress for my 1st grade school photo. 

I had been publicly humiliated with a videotaping, had my homework stolen constantly to prevent my grades from being higher, and the same teacher that was taking out my homework (Rosenow) was mocking my parents saying I should have an I.Q. test done because I appeared to be "gifted".  They already knew.  I lived next to the fucking school and FBI psychologist.

They were stealing my homework by that point, and lowering my grade over it, and they already had a huge file on me that had far more information than any one-time I.Q. test, and I had lived next-door to the school psychologist, who I saw, by seeing his kids, almost every day.

The other people we were around when things disappeared were the Sandbergs and the Fallons.

I ended up being so defeated in school, by racketeering teachers who worked for the U.S.,  and others, that despite my ability to learn and finish work in class before anyone else, I was stuck there, to daydream and figure out how to solve math equations ahead of the teacher because I was so bored.  Of course, my report cards didn't reflect the truth and my homework was disappearing.  The few times I turned it in, I remember a few times, Mrs. Rosenow claiming she never got it.  I had turned it in the same place everyone else turned it in.  I remember exactly how she looked and what she wore when she told me this and I knew she was lying.  One time it was a long-sleeved ivory colored blouse, and she stood there with her glasses and lied.  I'm pretty sure it was her and not Raugust though 2nd grade is when I first noticed my homework disappearing. 

 I do not want my son raised and educated in this country.

That is just up to age 9.  It does not include being tortured as a baby and given LSD after MKUltra was supposedly discontinued, when neither of  my parents used any substances.  They were gifte prophetically and the government held them hostage to be psychics and needed their minds, therefore they didn't drink alcohol, smoke, or do anything that altered their mental state.  Around that time I was also babysat by a man.  Nothing happened except that I sat on his lap in the rocking chair and I remember he acted weird.

About Cheree Raugust, I put up information about her husband, and here is his mother and father.  I remember she was always talking about "William" in class.  William was her husband.  I was seated at the back of the class, next to her coat closet.  William's mother was Canadian and his father was Russian.  At the end of class, before recess, she always went back to her coat closet, opened the door, and there was a square mirror there.  She put on her clip earrings.  She didn't wear any kind of earrings except for clip-ons.  She didn't have pierced ears as I remember, and she had larger ear lobes.  I remember this because she was always putting on and taking off her earrings as she stood in front of the mirror and adjusting them.  She did this every day.  I asked her one time why she only wore clip-ons.  Mostly, she wore short-length gold hoops that were thicker and I believe she wore a large diamond ring.  I remember a ring because her hands were always there with the candy jar during class.  She put on her lipstick, and while she did so, she talked to me, sometimes to the class.  I remember feeling uncomfortable in my seat sometimes, in her class, and I started to wonder what was in the closet behind me. She had a long solid camel-colored coat.  I almost wanted to yank it open and look, and I tried looking around it, but couldn't see anything.  I remember I was being fried.  A few times there were even noises from the closet so I thought it was coming from that direction.  I can now, as an adult and knowing what things are better, say I am very sure it was more U.S. technology torture, and it was being directed against me as a child in 1982, in 2nd grade, in Mrs. Cheree Raugust's class.

Kate Middleton and her parents can go to Hell.

Raugust, Reca, (d. 1989; b. 1899; TS; OC; obit) “Reca Raugust, (89).—Passed away Feb 20, 1989 in Ritzville, Wa. Her home, Odessa, WA. Survived by two daughters, Wilma Partain, Kent, WA, Betty Fox, Yakima, WA; one son, William C Raugust, Jr., Moses Lake, WA; 10 grandchildren; 13 great-grandchildren; numerous nieces and nephews. Preceded in death by her husband, W. C. Raugust, 1970, and two daughters, Trudie Hull, 1962, and Margaret Ann Heinemann, 1988. Active in Church and Community and enjoyed Bowling and Gardening. Funeral Service, Friday, Feb 24, 1989 at 11 a.m. Heritage UCC Sanctuary, Odessa, WA. Rev John Branden, officiating. Interment, Odessa Cemetery. Strate Funeral Home in charge.” (scrapbook obit) “Reca Raugust of Ritzville and Odessa, born July 9, 1899 in Saskatchewan, Canada to Christian and Christina Heizelman, passed away last week. She moved with her family from Canada in 1903 to the Ruff area west of Odessa, where she gained her schooling, and she worked at Luhers Department Store in Odessa prior to her marriage. She was confirmed in 1913 at the Warden Congregational Church. She was married in Ruff to William C. Raugust on April 25, 1919, and they made their home in Batum where he operated the Farmers Warehouse Co. Three children, Trudie, Wilma and Bill Jr. were born there. The family moved to Odessa in 1927 when Mr. Raugust established the Odessa Trading Co. Two daughters, Betty and Margaret, were born here. Active through her life in her church, Mrs. Raugust was also an avid bowler and gardener. Preceded in death by her husband and by daughters Trudie and Margaret, she is survived by a son, William C Raugust Jr. of Moses Lake; by two daughters: Wilma Partain of Kent and Betty Fox of Yakima; and by 10 grandchildren, 13 great grandchildren, and numerous nieces and nephews. Funeral service was held Feb 24 from the Heritage United Church of Christ, Odessa, Rev John Branden officiating. Vault interment followed at the Odessa Cemetery.” (Odessa Record: 3-02-1989)

Raugust, William C., (d. 12-17-1970; b. 1895; TS; OC; dc) “Raugust, William Christian. Died: 12-17-1970, Odessa, WA. Mother: Louise Janke. Father: Christian Raugust. Spouse: Reca Heizelmann. Buried: Odessa Cemetery, Odessa, WA.” (Lincoln Co Health death card)

“Odessa’s leading businessman, W. C. Raugust, died at the local hospital early Thursday morning following a two-month illness and hospitalization. He had suffered a stroke in October. Hospitalized here at first, he was later transferred to Spokane for therapy, but was returned to Odessa recently. Last rites for the 75 year old pioneer businessman, farmer and former state senator were conducted Saturday afternoon at the United Congregational church, Rev B. M. Schafer officiating. Duets were sung by Delores and Delbert Cook, accompanied by Mrs. Schafer. Mrs. Cook was organist for the service. An honor guard of eight State Troopers, headed by the Spokane District Capt and Sheriff Clarence E. Coley and three deputies were on hand Saturday afternoon for the last rites at the church and cemetery. Pall bearers were Albert, Ray and Dennis Laib, Ben Bartalamay, Reuben Scheller and Ed Borgens. Honorary pall bearers selected for the service were Henry Scheller, Ed Salo, E. J. Wachter, Rev Albert Hausauer, Rev R. Kirschenmann, R. E. Suchland, William Wenz, Howard Phillips, William Jessett, Fred Weishaar, Rudolph Raugust, Robert Hoefel and Con Schlimmer. William C. Raugust was born in Eigenheim, Bessarabia, Russia on March 13, 1895. His parents migrated to America in May 1899 and settled on a homestead 12 miles southwest of Odessa near Batum from 1912 to 1914. He attended Blair Business College at Spokane from 1912 to 1915, where he washed dishes and worked in a restaurant to earn his way through school. In 1915, after harvest, he took a job with Dan Mayer at Batum as a bookkeeper and manager. Mr. Mayer had a grain warehouse and lumber yard. In 1916 at the age of 20, Raugust organized the Farmers Grain and Lumber Company and bought the business from Mr Mayer. After harvest of 1917 he resigned his post to go into the army. Not passing the examination he took a post with the Fisher Flouring Mills in Seattle as bookkeeper. Early in 1918 he joined the Navy and was discharged in 1919. The major part of his service was spent at the University of Washington and Harvard University. He returned to the Batum firm in 1919. He was married April 10, 1919 to Reca Heizelman at the Ruff Congregational Church. The couple had five children graduate from OHS. They celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary here in 1969. Among his other activities, Mr. Raugust organized the Farmers Supply Co of Ritzville in 1944, selling in 1962. He organized other corporations, served on the Odessa school board as a director and chairman of the board; served Odessa as councilman and mayor; president of the Odessa Chamber of Commerce; commander of the American Legion. During WW II he was county chairman of the National War Fund, USO. Collections were as much as $4000 a year from Lincoln County. For twenty-four years he was a member of the Washington Legislature, seventeen years in the State Senate from which he retired three years ago when his legislative district was eliminated. For seventeen years he was a member of the Western Policy Committee on Highways for the 15 western states, and was considered an authority on highway legislation. Raugust road near Moses Lake was named in his honor. For 17 years he was a chairman of the General Conference of Congregational Churches and School of Theology at Yankston, SD. He was a member of the board of trustees of the United Theological Seminary, Twin City, MN, and on the board of trustees of the United Church of Christ of Washington and North Idaho. Locally he was chairman of the board of deacons of the United Congregational Church. The Raugusts traveled widely throughout the world, recent trips by him being to Australia and New Zealand, then Alaska after his retirement from full-time management of the Odessa Trading Co three years ago. Survivors of the OTC president include his wife, Reca, at the home; a son, William C Raugust Jr, of Moses Lake; three daughters, Mrs. Wilma Partain of Kent; Mrs. Elizabeth Fox of Washington, DC; and Mrs. Margaret Heinemann of Ritzville; 10 grandchildren and 2 great grandchildren. A daughter, Mrs. Gertrude Hull, died in 1962. Other survivors include two brothers, Rudolph of Davenport; and Arthur Schaal of Olympia; four sisters, Mrs. Anna Kanzler, Olympia; Mrs. Tena Knodel, Oregon; Mrs. Martha Reiman, Colville, Idaho; and Hilda Schruggs, Spokane.” (Odessa Record: 12-24-1970)

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