Bad Feeling Tonight

I don't know if my family is on my side, some of them, at all.

Talking to them tonight wasn't what made me feel better. I feel it's probably a mistake to contact them at this point. However, I had such a bad feeling which began at about 10 or 10:30 p.m.

I don't know what was going on and maybe someone was just sad, and possibly, in another country, OR maybe a world event occured, which would make sense because I did see news at that time, about some yellow rope being found in connection with the killing of a child.

So it's very possible it had nothing to do with anything but I was just worried about my son and things in general so called my grandparents but it was weird. My grandmother asked if the "phone was on". Like, recording? so here I am, with my son in mind, and for all I know, no help from them. But I don't know. For once, for the last couple of days, none of the burning sensation and my son's speech was at least very good today in the visit. He seemed more clear minded in general--though a few things concerned me. I DO think there are some issues but I am hesitant to point out where and why.

I went for a walk tonight by the river and it was very peaceful and no one following around but others in general. However, I was walking and felt like it might be one of the last nights I have which is full of so much freedom and I don't know why. I began to feel like although things are bad, all things are possible. I told God what I wanted. I felt it is all attainable. I've sensed a peace in the last few days too.

It is just that for some reason, such a sad and powerful feeling, and I got nervous, wondering what was going on. In a lot of ways, good things happened today.

I also felt my son was maybe doing better but that someone had told him to bite me (and a truck drove by after the visit after he did--which said something very large about a bite).

I feel whatever was going on before today maybe was good, but I got this bad feeling about something but I don't know what it was--it could have been something so unrelated to what is going on.

I started to get a migraine today too so will have to go in tomorrow for shot.

I really felt like maybe the sadness I felt was for something that is overseas or in another country for some reason. I don't know why but that's what I think.

I walked to a hotel to use the computer tonight and this woman comes by in an SUV and just mocking me. 734 CQW. I don't know why I so amused her, but it wasn't fun. Getting better about things like that though. Lots of positive and some negative today. A few people yelling things or hanging out their windows but actually, much more positive today and even real support or expressions of this.

I might have gone overboard about the visitation monitor in my last post. I should read more of her notes and to her credit, it IS very GOOD she is documenting things. This is GOOD! I just worry because if it's just bad now but nothing good about me and only lies, I still will not be getting my son back. I am thankful for those who will be diligent about protecting my son though--and I shouldn't make excuses for people out of fear. I don't know the whole situation, I just know that my son should be with me and that I'm an excellent mother. I saw a few women with the head covering today too and wondered where they were from.

Today a little girl asked me for a hug again. She asked me if I could watch her, babysit her. Cute little girl. The baby the other night, it was very sweet because at one point, she relaxed enough to rest her head against my brow--totally comfortable after first checking me out and being observant. Even the friend watching stopped what she was saying and just looked, and forgot what she was saying.

The craziest thing is that I'm not crazy and I'm an excellent mother and caregiver. Period. I have other obstacles and it's really horrible for both me and my son that we go through this because of some very messed up politics somewhere.

Even with all the bleak and dark night moments, I felt positive, when I was walking along today, and thought about Diana and how this one guy said to her to enjoy her last night of freedom because she would never get it back. I felt like that today in the sense that although the lights were on all over town and changing colors periodically, I felt like I was walking all alone, and by myself, and this was a luxury that I haven't had lately and for whatever reason, I just told myself to enjoy it and to think and focus on things I wanted: my son, and then a career or job of some kind and then when it came to romance, I felt stuck a little bit. I've sensed someone even connecting with me at the most random moments, who isn't even there in person, but I always say to myself, I don't exactly know what would be best for me. I know I would have to be attracted to that person in a variety of ways, but I don't know that I could say "This is who I want" because I'm too afraid, because what if it's not right for ME? but now and then something comes to mind and I think no way and then I just fall back into a kind of peace and rest. To trust things will work out and to walk by faith.

I really felt connected to the idea of positive thinking about my son. It's all unnecessary struggle and wrong, but I have been brought to doubt too and I shouldn't. My thoughts should be absolutely secure and positive, knowing if God is for me, no one can be against me (even if they try). Not that this means no struggle, but to trust.